Anonymous wrote:Quiet quitting has its own emotional baggage but after on and off marriage therapy and years of clashing over his lack of interest, I see my husband is willing to put time and effort into everything except me and kids. I suggest going out one evening, he's too busy. I try to get us to sit down for a chat, he's too tired. The kids want to play a game, he's reading. But one of his friends calls, or he is asked by a vague acquaintance to help with something, and he miraculously has the time. I have a good job so I can support myself and only 1 kid left at home and will graduate soon from high school. Right now I want to do a year of therapy and make sure my reasoning is sound. I know it's never just one person's fault, but I also know it does take two to fix things. And right now, there's just one of us trying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.

He noticed, but assumed you were busy and forgot. Nobody is perfect and he knew you are running non stop, so no need to jump in with additional oversight. Then it became a pattern, but he didn’t want to start a fight by asking about you not doing things that you have always done.

In other words, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on so will just shush up and stay for the free childcare, cooking, cleaning, scheduling.

Yup. Men who are “afraid to start a fight” are really little boys afraid to talk about anything. They can’t express their needs, can’t see their wife’s needs and act like little babies at the slightest expression of dissatisfaction at home, in the relationship, or in bed. I can’t think of anything that dries me up more than a man like this.

It’s more like picking fights worth having, most of the women in my life fight about little things and avoid dealing with the major issues. Why create unnecessary animosity when there are bigger issues to tackle?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.

He noticed, but assumed you were busy and forgot. Nobody is perfect and he knew you are running non stop, so no need to jump in with additional oversight. Then it became a pattern, but he didn’t want to start a fight by asking about you not doing things that you have always done.

In other words, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on so will just shush up and stay for the free childcare, cooking, cleaning, scheduling.

Nope probably just avoiding the explosion brewing inside you and he has enough drama at work, looking for a little peace at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

What was your DH’s childhood and cultural background like that he grew up expecting this?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.

He noticed, but assumed you were busy and forgot. Nobody is perfect and he knew you are running non stop, so no need to jump in with additional oversight. Then it became a pattern, but he didn’t want to start a fight by asking about you not doing things that you have always done.

In other words, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on so will just shush up and stay for the free childcare, cooking, cleaning, scheduling.

Yup. Men who are “afraid to start a fight” are really little boys afraid to talk about anything. They can’t express their needs, can’t see their wife’s needs and act like little babies at the slightest expression of dissatisfaction at home, in the relationship, or in bed. I can’t think of anything that dries me up more than a man like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.

He noticed, but assumed you were busy and forgot. Nobody is perfect and he knew you are running non stop, so no need to jump in with additional oversight. Then it became a pattern, but he didn’t want to start a fight by asking about you not doing things that you have always done.

In other words, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on so will just shush up and stay for the free childcare, cooking, cleaning, scheduling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.

He noticed, but assumed you were busy and forgot. Nobody is perfect and he knew you are running non stop, so no need to jump in with additional oversight. Then it became a pattern, but he didn’t want to start a fight by asking about you not doing things that you have always done.

In other words, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on so will just shush up and stay for the free childcare, cooking, cleaning, scheduling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

What, pray tell, was "his share of the parenting"? Sounds like you are lazy AF.

"Pray tell" (????) Are you in 5th grade? I mean, I laughed out loud at this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.

He noticed, but assumed you were busy and forgot. Nobody is perfect and he knew you are running non stop, so no need to jump in with additional oversight. Then it became a pattern, but he didn’t want to start a fight by asking about you not doing things that you have always done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

What, pray tell, was "his share of the parenting"? Sounds like you are lazy AF.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

Bro, this is everyone who stayed married longer than 5 years. What did you think was going to happen?

If you grew up somewhere more "comfortable" and "fun", your dad was just taking his licks and running interference for the kids' sake. A saint, in other words.

What? My house growing up was comfortable and fun and our house now is as well. I don't nag my husband because we both participate and can have conversations about what needs to be done and then we divide and conquer. We discussed what kind of a life we wanted to have before we got married and then we executed it. Together.

When we were dating we saw each other's houses - we knew how the other one lived. Obviously kids compound the problem but neither of us has been shocked about how the other one lives. My husband knows I'm more Type A than he is, so I've relaxed some of my standards and he's upped some of his. I know my husband is better at researching options for things, so he takes on the brunt of that work. He knows I'm better at keeping the calendar organized, so I do that (but we obviously both follow it). In other words, we figured out who we both were, what we both wanted, if we could achieve it, and then we did. So yeah, our house is comfortable and fun (which I feel like I can say with confidence knowing that our kids and their friends describe it exactly that way), due to BOTH of us.

The bolded is the key, IMO.

I see SO MANY women on this board who think that their (usually higher) standards are absolutely non-negotiable.

I’m sure there are men who do nothing, but there are a LOT of extremely rigid, controlling women in these dysfunctional marriages, too.