Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:How many responses are from 50-60 years old with a 95 year old parent married to a loving wife in her 60s?

Why does the age of the parent’s spouse factor in with how often someone checks in with their own parent?

+1 seriously!

If the concern is genuinely that they might be dying, then if matters because they have someone else who is able to take care of them in the vast majority of circumstances. Whatever happened here is the outlier, not a normal experience for someone in their 60s.

DP.

Thank you for your very clinical response.

+1 unemotional and unfeeling. We often see and hear of people left alone in nursing homes with fewvor no family visits or calls. Very sad.

What’s sad is that they often are simply reaping what they’ve sown, but because they’re old, you assume they’re the neglected victims.

I only know how I would treat elderly parents and grandparents. No one in our extended family would die and remain on the floor with no one knowing an out the death for weeks. If you think keeping a distance and not contacting someone for weeks is appropriate for your family members, then so be it.

*But I'm in my 40s and honestly I guess I don't know how I'd truly act two decades from now. I'll check back when I'm 65 and my 95 year old absentee father has a wife my age.

My FIL is in his 90s. FIL has never shown much warmth towards us and has never gone out of his way for us. When they come to town, it's to visit his wife's family. They don't even bother to ping us to let us know they're in town. He didn't contribute a dime towards our house or other expenses, but you can be sure he and his wife have funded her DC's lifestyle. He has a lot of charm and is a lot of fun. He was a public figure in his day.

I expect if FIL or his wife find themselves needing help, they will call her DC. They wouldn't think of calling us. I've let them know they can call us if they need anything. We're a plane ride away, but closer than her DC or other siblings.

Does DH call his dad? He's hesitant to call.They don't have a relationship. Maybe DH could have tried harder, but he did put in an effort when he was younger, and it was not reciprocated. Like I said, they come to town, but don't bother letting us know they're here.

I think things get awkward when parents are married to a step-parent. The dynamic changes. I wouldn't dream of not contacting an elderly parent, but my parents were very different.

Anonymous wrote:Frankly he's 1) a guy 2) a dad who worked hard during his children's youth and 3) men supremely value their independence. I don't see anything odd with his children's assumed lack of involvment.

This!

We can all agree it's unusual and maybe not so great and worthy of judgment to not look in on parents who raised you, loved you, and worked to have a great relationship with you.

I posted upthread about how my kids' dad is basically an absentee father- who they do not feel negatively about and do not wish ill upon.
He doesn't care to know anything about their lives and hardly contacts them- but they should check in constantly on him when he's an old man? It is very easy to imagine this is the relationship between Gene and his children / grown grandchildren.

Anonymous wrote:This dcum response is so interesting because 75% of the posters in the eldercare forum hate their parents and think adult children have zero responsibility or obligation to their parents.

Well, I don't post there and I do post here because I'm not conflicted about caring for my aging parent. I she annoying sometimes? Yes, but I am grateful for the fact that she raised me, and I think about how I would want my children to treat me.

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Anonymous wrote:How many responses are from 50-60 years old with a 95 year old parent married to a loving wife in her 60s?

Why does the age of the parent’s spouse factor in with how often someone checks in with their own parent?

+1 seriously!

If the concern is genuinely that they might be dying, then if matters because they have someone else who is able to take care of them in the vast majority of circumstances. Whatever happened here is the outlier, not a normal experience for someone in their 60s.

DP.

Thank you for your very clinical response.

+1 unemotional and unfeeling. We often see and hear of people left alone in nursing homes with fewvor no family visits or calls. Very sad.

What’s sad is that they often are simply reaping what they’ve sown, but because they’re old, you assume they’re the neglected victims.

I only know how I would treat elderly parents and grandparents. No one in our extended family would die and remain on the floor with no one knowing a out the death for weeks. If you think keeping a distance and not contacting someone for weeks is appropriate for your family members, then so be it.

Other people’s family relationships aren’t your business. If you can’t distinguish between your family dynamics and someone else’s family dynamics you shouldn’t be interacting with people in any type of professional capacity.

Welcome to DCUM where opinions about other people and their business abound, including yours!

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:How many responses are from 50-60 years old with a 95 year old parent married to a loving wife in her 60s?

Why does the age of the parent’s spouse factor in with how often someone checks in with their own parent?

+1 seriously!

If the concern is genuinely that they might be dying, then if matters because they have someone else who is able to take care of them in the vast majority of circumstances. Whatever happened here is the outlier, not a normal experience for someone in their 60s.

DP.

Thank you for your very clinical response.

+1 unemotional and unfeeling. We often see and hear of people left alone in nursing homes with fewvor no family visits or calls. Very sad.

What’s sad is that they often are simply reaping what they’ve sown, but because they’re old, you assume they’re the neglected victims.

I only know how I would treat elderly parents and grandparents. No one in our extended family would die and remain on the floor with no one knowing a out the death for weeks. If you think keeping a distance and not contacting someone for weeks is appropriate for your family members, then so be it.

Other people’s family relationships aren’t your business. If you can’t distinguish between your family dynamics and someone else’s family dynamics you shouldn’t be interacting with people in any type of professional capacity.

This dcum response is so interesting because 75% of the posters in the eldercare forum hate their parents and think adult children have zero responsibility or obligation to their parents.

Anonymous wrote:
My husband calls his mother once a month. She calls him once a month. On average.

I think it's very common for adult children to have an infrequent sort of communication style with their elderly parent, even when they all get along. Some people just aren't the communicative sort!

My parents love me, but if I called them every day that would change fast. I guess there's a tiny chance that that means they die a little earlier, but they're adults and can make that choice.

Anonymous wrote:
My husband calls his mother once a month. She calls him once a month. On average.

I think it's very common for adult children to have an infrequent sort of communication style with their elderly parent, even when they all get along. Some people just aren't the communicative sort!

I was this way with my parents for a long time. They were very social and busy. The calls slowly grew more frequent as they aged, until I was either at their house or talking to them on the phone daily before they died.

My husband calls his mother once a month. She calls him once a month. On average.

I think it's very common for adult children to have an infrequent sort of communication style with their elderly parent, even when they all get along. Some people just aren't the communicative sort!

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many responses are from 50-60 years old with a 95 year old parent married to a loving wife in her 60s?

Why does the age of the parent’s spouse factor in with how often someone checks in with their own parent?

+1 seriously!

If the concern is genuinely that they might be dying, then if matters because they have someone else who is able to take care of them in the vast majority of circumstances. Whatever happened here is the outlier, not a normal experience for someone in their 60s.

DP.

Thank you for your very clinical response.

+1 unemotional and unfeeling. We often see and hear of people left alone in nursing homes with fewvor no family visits or calls. Very sad.

What’s sad is that they often are simply reaping what they’ve sown, but because they’re old, you assume they’re the neglected victims.

I only know how I would treat elderly parents and grandparents. No one in our extended family would die and remain on the floor with no one knowing a out the death for weeks. If you think keeping a distance and not contacting someone for weeks is appropriate for your family members, then so be it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many responses are from 50-60 years old with a 95 year old parent married to a loving wife in her 60s?

Why does the age of the parent’s spouse factor in with how often someone checks in with their own parent?

+1 seriously!

If the concern is genuinely that they might be dying, then if matters because they have someone else who is able to take care of them in the vast majority of circumstances. Whatever happened here is the outlier, not a normal experience for someone in their 60s.

DP.

Thank you for your very clinical response.

+1 unemotional and unfeeling. We often see and hear of people left alone in nursing homes with fewvor no family visits or calls. Very sad.

What’s sad is that they often are simply reaping what they’ve sown, but because they’re old, you assume they’re the neglected victims.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many responses are from 50-60 years old with a 95 year old parent married to a loving wife in her 60s?

Here's the thing: this situation went horribly wrong. If his three kids took turns checking in every couple of days (so, each makes a call once a week) then the possibility his death of dehydration on the floor of his home might have been eliminated as someone would have noticed that he / his wife were not in touch.

That seems like it would have been a good thing.

That said, each of us can learn from this, if we're open to it, to avoid letting our elderly parents end up in this kind of situation.

If your situation with your parent is so bad that you don't actually care if they die of dehydration on the floor of their hallway, then great! Don't call. But, the rest of us (who think our parents deserve basic human dignity, even in death) might want to learn from someone else's experience to avoid our parents ending up in such a situation.

It's interesting to see how quickly we switch between "I'm not judging" and the bolded, which is very judgemental. NP.

I'm the poster you're replying to. I never said that I wasn't judging the kids. I very much am.

Good to know. I'd rather die of dehydration on the floor than have raised you, but maybe your mom feels differently.

100% agreed, PP. These people are ghouls.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many responses are from 50-60 years old with a 95 year old parent married to a loving wife in her 60s?

Why does the age of the parent’s spouse factor in with how often someone checks in with their own parent?

I mean… his wife was their age and she possibly dropped dead of a heart attack or stroke. How often was he calling his kids to make sure they were still alive?

In all seriousness, you folks judging his kids (who are complete strangers to you) are absolutely horrible people and I feel sorry for YOUR kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband calls his mother (dad died ten years ago) weekly. There’s 7 kids. They each take a day.
Would think they maybe could have done something like this.

so his mother is alone

Yes but lives in an independent living facility.