Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL. When she visits, I basically hide in my room to avoid her. The last few times she visited, I went nuclear on DH after she left. I was mad at him for weeks. I told DH that if she visits, he must take time off and entertain her and he cannot stay here with me and the kids while he is at work. I also said that she should visit his brother next. BIL just moved close to us and bought a new home with extra bedrooms. It has now been over a year since MIL visited. DH has gone up to visit his mother twice.

I was ready to divorce DH over this. I wanted to go to counseling. We have talked about this at nauseam. DH has acknowledged his mother is difficult. He also acknowledged that his own brother doesn’t want to deal with his mom, which is why he doesn’t want to host her either. He acknowledges how unfair and why I would be upset being stuck with his mom who both he and his brother also don’t want to be around. I feel heard.

Sounds like a great outcome! Too bad it had to come to a screaming match before he finally smartened up.

Oh it is still a point of contention. He literally just mentioned a few days ago how his mother is not allowed to visit. I reminded him that his brother can host her and she can visit or she can visit when DH can host his mother. DH and BIL talked about how BIL can host his mom next over a year ago. BIL agreed but he obviously doesn’t want to.

I'm OP and this is also very similar to our situation. We've been through all that kind of thing over the years. Currently BIL will not even be in the same room with MIL, much less host her. But I do remember how, when I tried a zero tolerance policy and there was all the screaming and shouting and so on, followed by me leaving DH until he promised no more MIL in our house, that he never stopped being resentful over it and bringing it up every once in a while. Stay firm, though - you give an inch, and she'll be back in there. I mean, don't even blink.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the DH's family from South Asia?

How do South Asian-American women deal with MILS like this? Please give this poor foreigner OP some tips on how it’s done.

I'm the Pakistani poster from before and most MIL arent like this anymore. Also read some Jhumpa Lahiri to get some insight. a lot of people are imposing cultural mores from pre-partition or something on unsuspecting foreigners or kids raised here and using the excuse that this is our culture when no-one behaves like this in modern day South Asia except illiterates from the village who are constantly needing intervention from NGOs and government task forces.

I know some women who are stuck living with unpleasant MILs, waiting for citizenship and stuff like that BUT usually the husbands are super aware that their home life is being affected and try to make it up to their wives by spending time with them, helping out around the house without being asked b/c they know that if MIL hears the DIL ask, it'll cause unpleasantness and MEN of all cultures are more conflict avoidant and cowardly in relationships compared to women. They'll also accede to requests like creating a sitting area in the master with a lock on it and the family hangs out there away form the unpleasant in laws, or they set up the MIL with her own space. also will go on mini family breaks and leave the MIL behind- go out for sushi or something that she thinks is gross and cant eat. A lot of people will also go on regular weekly date nights and expect the MIL to feed the tween and clean up after them. No-one puts up with this stuff anymore- its very out dated and ppl are tryin to take advantage of ignorance and saying it's cultural' when the culture back home has also moved on from this lack of boundaries, lack of privacy and hierarchical nonsense.

you can also just lean into her cleaning and cooking and laundry ways and explicitly tell her what you want done- basically treat her like the help. after dinner, go to your private sitting area with your husband and son and watch tv while she cleans up. if she follows you- get up and go to the kitchen and clean up by yourself with music on. either way you get some respite from her. Also get locks for closets and doors ! in South Asia, f something isn't purposefully Locked up and nailed down, doors closed and locked- they are fair game. other people will not respect your privacy yuo have to be vigilant about creating private zones and policing them with locks.

Anonymous wrote:Wait OP are you the one w the MIL who rearranged the entire kitchen while you were out? I remember reading that thread around the end of last year. Do you stand to inherit a ton from her/that side of the family that you very much need or something? If not….SNIP. DON’T show your kids that you will accept this kind of disrespect and screaming. It’s abuse. Don’t normalize it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL. When she visits, I basically hide in my room to avoid her. The last few times she visited, I went nuclear on DH after she left. I was mad at him for weeks. I told DH that if she visits, he must take time off and entertain her and he cannot stay here with me and the kids while he is at work. I also said that she should visit his brother next. BIL just moved close to us and bought a new home with extra bedrooms. It has now been over a year since MIL visited. DH has gone up to visit his mother twice.

I was ready to divorce DH over this. I wanted to go to counseling. We have talked about this at nauseam. DH has acknowledged his mother is difficult. He also acknowledged that his own brother doesn’t want to deal with his mom, which is why he doesn’t want to host her either. He acknowledges how unfair and why I would be upset being stuck with his mom who both he and his brother also don’t want to be around. I feel heard.

Sounds like a great outcome! Too bad it had to come to a screaming match before he finally smartened up.

Oh it is still a point of contention. He literally just mentioned a few days ago how his mother is not allowed to visit. I reminded him that his brother can host her and she can visit or she can visit when DH can host his mother. DH and BIL talked about how BIL can host his mom next over a year ago. BIL agreed but he obviously doesn’t want to.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a poster who has posted commisserating with OP and my MIL is German not South Asian

Anonymous wrote:OP, I asked a few days back why your husband reneged on his promise that she couldn’t stay with you. You never responded. Can you answer why?

Your MIL sounds mentally ill and the real issue here is that your husband is sacrificing the well being of your family habit to accommodate her.

I’m starting to think this isn’t real.

Anonymous wrote:OP is probably afraid of losing face in social circle here and relatives back home and also of divorce. People would paint her as a mean women who can't tolerate her MIL, without knowing reality. Family back home would push a lot as this really works well for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the DH's family from South Asia?

How do South Asian-American women deal with MILS like this? Please give this poor foreigner OP some tips on how it’s done.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I asked a few days back why your husband reneged on his promise that she couldn’t stay with you. You never responded. Can you answer why?

Your MIL sounds mentally ill and the real issue here is that your husband is sacrificing the well being of your family habit to accommodate her.

I’m starting to think this isn’t real.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you can’t just tell your husband no.

Because this is some weird cultural problem that the rest of us can't help with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL. When she visits, I basically hide in my room to avoid her. The last few times she visited, I went nuclear on DH after she left. I was mad at him for weeks. I told DH that if she visits, he must take time off and entertain her and he cannot stay here with me and the kids while he is at work. I also said that she should visit his brother next. BIL just moved close to us and bought a new home with extra bedrooms. It has now been over a year since MIL visited. DH has gone up to visit his mother twice.

I was ready to divorce DH over this. I wanted to go to counseling. We have talked about this at nauseam. DH has acknowledged his mother is difficult. He also acknowledged that his own brother doesn’t want to deal with his mom, which is why he doesn’t want to host her either. He acknowledges how unfair and why I would be upset being stuck with his mom who both he and his brother also don’t want to be around. I feel heard.

Sounds like a great outcome! Too bad it had to come to a screaming match before he finally smartened up.

Oh it is still a point of contention. He literally just mentioned a few days ago how his mother is not allowed to visit. I reminded him that his brother can host her and she can visit or she can visit when DH can host his mother. DH and BIL talked about how BIL can host his mom next over a year ago. BIL agreed but he obviously doesn’t want to.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I asked a few days back why your husband reneged on his promise that she couldn’t stay with you. You never responded. Can you answer why?

Your MIL sounds mentally ill and the real issue here is that your husband is sacrificing the well being of your family habit to accommodate her.

I’m starting to think this isn’t real.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've stopped waiting for DH to prioritize my needs re his family and instead just take control now and don't feel guilty if there are hurt feelings in the process

I'd call her up and say "i'm sorry DH said it was good to visit again, but its not a good time for us and we will need to reschedule. there is too much going on and it'd be overwhelming to have another visit right now. one week in july would work great though but we have to cancel now"

she can be upset, who cares. dh can be upset but he brought it upon himself

I'd bet a million oreos that mil will not hear one word of this and will be on a plane even sooner.

OP here, yes, this is true. There is a language issue (which I sometimes think is deliberate), and a general inability to communicate like a normal human, plus the fact that she doesn't even tell us when she's coming sometimes. She's here now, which came as a total shock to me, as I was upset about the prospect of her arriving a few weeks from now. But....knock knock, guess who's back, a flutter of the hands and something about snow, and even DH looked somewhat crestfallen to see her. I'm heading to my mom's for a couple days right now. I flat out lied and said she's sick and needs me.

So instead of telling your husband how upset you are, you lied to him.
Instead of standing up for yourself, you lied to him.
Instead of accomplishing anything of value, you lied.

This would have been a really great conversation jumping off point with you and DH.

If it's even real.