Anonymous
10/26/2023 19:44
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think in most cases the grandparents recognize they are in a difficult position after the divorce of their child and grandparents go out of their way, wringing their hands, to try to be neutral and get everyone to show up and enjoy each other's company at family events. It is not a normal human reaction for a parent to turn against their child over even infidelity. Telling a grandparent you won't come unless they exclude your parent/their child is an unkind gesture to your grandparent, who, more than anyone, wants to love and support all parties. So, find another outlet for your hard feelings.
So, it's up to the young adults to suck it up and make sure the optics are still good. They need to put aside their hurt and comfort to make the two cheating adults feel better about themselves? Some family values! I guess it was too much to ask for the adults to do the right thing so we can only hope their children are better people.
The whole point about the post-above is that you're putting the host in a bad position. No grandparent wants to choose between their child and their grandchild. They're going to feel very distressed and resent whomever asks them to make a choice. If, as an ACOD, you don't want to go, just make up an excuse and don't go. Otherwise, you're playing the role of a bully on a power trip and your grandparents are in your direct line of fire.
I suspect this is a troll post by an ACOD who is contemplating boycotting a family party. The OP's story and later disclosure is entirely unbelievable.
Who put the host in a bad position? That's right, their wayward son who couldn't keep his pants zipped. Not the grandkids.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 17:59
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
It's up to the brother and his current wife / AP to suck it up and do what's right for all the kids.
Which means the brother and new chosen family go to the new wife's family, and the two older kids go to their dads family. Their father chose to blow things up, not them.
Which means the brother and new chosen family go to the new wife's family, and the two older kids go to their dads family. Their father chose to blow things up, not them.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:35
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think in most cases the grandparents recognize they are in a difficult position after the divorce of their child and grandparents go out of their way, wringing their hands, to try to be neutral and get everyone to show up and enjoy each other's company at family events. It is not a normal human reaction for a parent to turn against their child over even infidelity. Telling a grandparent you won't come unless they exclude your parent/their child is an unkind gesture to your grandparent, who, more than anyone, wants to love and support all parties. So, find another outlet for your hard feelings.
So, it's up to the young adults to suck it up and make sure the optics are still good. They need to put aside their hurt and comfort to make the two cheating adults feel better about themselves? Some family values! I guess it was too much to ask for the adults to do the right thing so we can only hope their children are better people.
The whole point about the post-above is that you're putting the host in a bad position. No grandparent wants to choose between their child and their grandchild. They're going to feel very distressed and resent whomever asks them to make a choice. If, as an ACOD, you don't want to go, just make up an excuse and don't go. Otherwise, you're playing the role of a bully on a power trip and your grandparents are in your direct line of fire.
I suspect this is a troll post by an ACOD who is contemplating boycotting a family party. The OP's story and later disclosure is entirely unbelievable.
The dad and his AP are the ones who put the host in a bad position. It's not everyone else's fault if they're unwilling to be a doormat about it. And the grandparents need to look at how they raised their son.
Again, this is all because the OP read a text message that wasn't intended for her. As all ACOD know, don't ask questions or go snooping unless you're sure you want to know the answer.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:21
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think in most cases the grandparents recognize they are in a difficult position after the divorce of their child and grandparents go out of their way, wringing their hands, to try to be neutral and get everyone to show up and enjoy each other's company at family events. It is not a normal human reaction for a parent to turn against their child over even infidelity. Telling a grandparent you won't come unless they exclude your parent/their child is an unkind gesture to your grandparent, who, more than anyone, wants to love and support all parties. So, find another outlet for your hard feelings.
So, it's up to the young adults to suck it up and make sure the optics are still good. They need to put aside their hurt and comfort to make the two cheating adults feel better about themselves? Some family values! I guess it was too much to ask for the adults to do the right thing so we can only hope their children are better people.
The whole point about the post-above is that you're putting the host in a bad position. No grandparent wants to choose between their child and their grandchild. They're going to feel very distressed and resent whomever asks them to make a choice. If, as an ACOD, you don't want to go, just make up an excuse and don't go. Otherwise, you're playing the role of a bully on a power trip and your grandparents are in your direct line of fire.
I suspect this is a troll post by an ACOD who is contemplating boycotting a family party. The OP's story and later disclosure is entirely unbelievable.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:18
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
Anonymous wrote:I think in most cases the grandparents recognize they are in a difficult position after the divorce of their child and grandparents go out of their way, wringing their hands, to try to be neutral and get everyone to show up and enjoy each other's company at family events. It is not a normal human reaction for a parent to turn against their child over even infidelity. Telling a grandparent you won't come unless they exclude your parent/their child is an unkind gesture to your grandparent, who, more than anyone, wants to love and support all parties. So, find another outlet for your hard feelings.
Again, OP saw the adult kids feelings in a private text message. No one said they gave their grandparents an ultimatum. They could easily have told the grandparents they can’t attend because they’re going to their mom’s but will see them the next day. Expecting adult kids to fake it and pretend all is well just for the sake of appearances is worse than respectfully declining an invitation.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:15
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
Anonymous wrote:I think in most cases the grandparents recognize they are in a difficult position after the divorce of their child and grandparents go out of their way, wringing their hands, to try to be neutral and get everyone to show up and enjoy each other's company at family events. It is not a normal human reaction for a parent to turn against their child over even infidelity. Telling a grandparent you won't come unless they exclude your parent/their child is an unkind gesture to your grandparent, who, more than anyone, wants to love and support all parties. So, find another outlet for your hard feelings.
So, it's up to the young adults to suck it up and make sure the optics are still good. They need to put aside their hurt and comfort to make the two cheating adults feel better about themselves? Some family values! I guess it was too much to ask for the adults to do the right thing so we can only hope their children are better people.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:11
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
I think in most cases the grandparents recognize they are in a difficult position after the divorce of their child and grandparents go out of their way, wringing their hands, to try to be neutral and get everyone to show up and enjoy each other's company at family events. It is not a normal human reaction for a parent to turn against their child over even infidelity. Telling a grandparent you won't come unless they exclude your parent/their child is an unkind gesture to your grandparent, who, more than anyone, wants to love and support all parties. So, find another outlet for your hard feelings.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:10
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
Anonymous wrote:It has been 5 years and they are adults. They get invited but they decide if they're coming.
Like it or not the "other woman" and her kids are family and, at some point, you get past it to at least be able to be at forced family events. If they don't want to, FINE, and you'll see them the next day or whatever.
I say this as a kid whose parents divorced when I was an adult (very ugly). My DH whose parents divorced b/c of infidelity (among other things) and the "other person" has been married to the "cheater" for 20+ years. At some point we told them we are having 1 event for things and they can come or not. But, we are not doing multiple (baptisms, birthdays, wedding parties, thanksgivings, etc. whatever) and if they do come, they are expected to be civil. If they cannot, they can leave or will be asked to leave.
I get that this sh-- can be traumatic. I get it more than you know. But, at some point you have to move past it for your own health and well-being. You don't have to like, accept, want to be around the "other woman", but you should be able to be in the same room to say a civil hello (barring things like abuse, violence, etc., which negates all the above).
It might change after a while, but to expect it of a 19-year-old is unrealistic. That person has been through a lot already, at a sensitive and emotional age.
The more you pressure them and violate their boundaries, the less likely they are to get over it. All you can do is try to make your holidays low-pressure and enjoyable so that they want to come. If the AP and stepkids are simply awful and nobody enjoys being around them, there's not much you can do about that.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:06
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
Nope, the first kids who are actually related to you didn't create this situation. I would invite them and your brother, but the step family is not invited.
The new wife / AP has her relatives plus her ex's relatives the kids probably want to see. No need for them to be at your house.
Maybe after awhile this will change, but the new step family needs to hang out with their family of origin, if they are still alive.
The new wife / AP has her relatives plus her ex's relatives the kids probably want to see. No need for them to be at your house.
Maybe after awhile this will change, but the new step family needs to hang out with their family of origin, if they are still alive.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 16:01
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
It has been 5 years and they are adults. They get invited but they decide if they're coming.
Like it or not the "other woman" and her kids are family and, at some point, you get past it to at least be able to be at forced family events. If they don't want to, FINE, and you'll see them the next day or whatever.
I say this as a kid whose parents divorced when I was an adult (very ugly). My DH whose parents divorced b/c of infidelity (among other things) and the "other person" has been married to the "cheater" for 20+ years. At some point we told them we are having 1 event for things and they can come or not. But, we are not doing multiple (baptisms, birthdays, wedding parties, thanksgivings, etc. whatever) and if they do come, they are expected to be civil. If they cannot, they can leave or will be asked to leave.
I get that this sh-- can be traumatic. I get it more than you know. But, at some point you have to move past it for your own health and well-being. You don't have to like, accept, want to be around the "other woman", but you should be able to be in the same room to say a civil hello (barring things like abuse, violence, etc., which negates all the above).
Like it or not the "other woman" and her kids are family and, at some point, you get past it to at least be able to be at forced family events. If they don't want to, FINE, and you'll see them the next day or whatever.
I say this as a kid whose parents divorced when I was an adult (very ugly). My DH whose parents divorced b/c of infidelity (among other things) and the "other person" has been married to the "cheater" for 20+ years. At some point we told them we are having 1 event for things and they can come or not. But, we are not doing multiple (baptisms, birthdays, wedding parties, thanksgivings, etc. whatever) and if they do come, they are expected to be civil. If they cannot, they can leave or will be asked to leave.
I get that this sh-- can be traumatic. I get it more than you know. But, at some point you have to move past it for your own health and well-being. You don't have to like, accept, want to be around the "other woman", but you should be able to be in the same room to say a civil hello (barring things like abuse, violence, etc., which negates all the above).
Anonymous
10/26/2023 15:50
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
If this is because someone wants "all the grandkids there", then you can negotiate time slots to minimize overlap. If you do this politely, they may agree. But what you can't do is blame the first family kids for this situation or expect them to have no boundaries and put up with whatever crap their father dishes out. They did not create this situation!
But you'll end up with the step kids in your pictures. Is it worth it?
But you'll end up with the step kids in your pictures. Is it worth it?
Anonymous
10/26/2023 15:48
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
This happened in my family. My dad said he wanted all of his grandkids there (they rarely see all of them at once at this point). Brother's new wife was not invited. My brother was invited and was going to come, but changed his mind at the last minute. That's on him. He got a divorce a year later anyways. He made the choice and regrets not going (it was a week long family summer vacation).
Anonymous
10/26/2023 15:44
Subject: WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
OP, I still do not understand why this is your problem to solve! They will come or they won't. They're not obligated to come. Do you have a specific reason that this is so important to you? You're not even the host of this.
If you'd like to maintain a relationship with these young adults, you can make other plans to spend time with them. And I suggest that if you do actually want a relationship with them, you refrain from pressuring them to do things they don't want to do. They are allowed to have boundaries for how their father treats them. And they don't have to suck it up to keep other people happy or maintain the illusion of a happy family. They've put up with enough already. If you're looking to blame someone for this situation, you can blame your brother and his AP.
If you'd like to maintain a relationship with these young adults, you can make other plans to spend time with them. And I suggest that if you do actually want a relationship with them, you refrain from pressuring them to do things they don't want to do. They are allowed to have boundaries for how their father treats them. And they don't have to suck it up to keep other people happy or maintain the illusion of a happy family. They've put up with enough already. If you're looking to blame someone for this situation, you can blame your brother and his AP.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 15:42
Subject: Re:WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This isn't the only time of the year you are seeing your nieces and nephews, right? You are reaching out to them at other times of the year and having them to dinner or lunch or something.
This questions jumps out to me as you mention you want to see them, but then this implies you might not see them otherwise.
The divorce has obviously been hard on them. They probably need more support than they've been getting and they feel insecure, and they are hurt. Very hurt.
I don't agree with their behavior as adults, this is their own form of bullying and it's about power. And they are looking to extract their own form of vengeance on their father.
I'm not sure what the solution is, but I think everyone should be invited. Those who decide not to attend for their own reasons should be respected, but there should be effort to see them at another time.
The voice of reason.
Only reasonable to the side chick, other woman types. Gross.
Anonymous
10/26/2023 15:39
Subject: Re:WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children
Anonymous wrote:This isn't the only time of the year you are seeing your nieces and nephews, right? You are reaching out to them at other times of the year and having them to dinner or lunch or something.
This questions jumps out to me as you mention you want to see them, but then this implies you might not see them otherwise.
The divorce has obviously been hard on them. They probably need more support than they've been getting and they feel insecure, and they are hurt. Very hurt.
I don't agree with their behavior as adults, this is their own form of bullying and it's about power. And they are looking to extract their own form of vengeance on their father.
I'm not sure what the solution is, but I think everyone should be invited. Those who decide not to attend for their own reasons should be respected, but there should be effort to see them at another time.
The voice of reason.