Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 13:05     Subject: Re:BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
We have a lake home. When we first got it my bff told her daughter(who was doing an internship at the hospital and needed a place to stay) that she could stay there. There is something about a second home that ppl
Think it’s open for business for anyone who wants it. Husbands barber asked if he could stay
FOr free.
We actually rent it out. The only ppl who stay for free are our own kids.
No one has the code but husband and I.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 11:47     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP & update
DH did talk to his sister earlier in week and she first presented her DHs brother & family being there as total misunderstanding, no big deal. We did learn that they had had this visit them/stay over when they were using our house w/our permission - which while I personally would have mentioned and probably I, not necessarily my DH, would have been fine with. When DH pressed point of our invitation have always been clear (listing days/dates) his sister was ‘we assumed it was a little wishy washy’ (Urghh we’ve ALWAYS been specific!!) She acted like it was protecting our interests that they’d told them that since THEY weren’t coming the other family should just treat house like a camp with a toilet and pool - and not go in house. And she pointed out that they left as soon as we came. Because it was a call, not in person, DH felt like he made his points and will follow up when we see them - actually tomorrow at a cousin’s house.
We’re still doing Labor Day but my DH says he’s done with them using house without us. We’re not going to make some big announcement-but obviously they took our generosity as a sense of ownership we never intended.


New poster. Glad you're still doing Labor Day. MANY PPs don't seem to understand, or don't care, that the cousins are close. You and DH are doing the right thing NOT to make the cousins pay for this incident by axing a tradition they anticipate and enjoy. You are modeling for the kids that "scorched earth"/estrangement/"cutting people off" is not a mature reaction and that kids should not have to experience fallout from what were terrible decisions by adults. Good for you and DH. I'd add, though -- please try to keep further discussion of this out of the kids' earshot. They already are surely well aware of all the upset; your own kids were there when the strangers were at the house. I would try to ensure that this doesn't turn into a constant sore spot the kids hear about over and over. Yes, it IS a sore spot, but it shouldn't have to be one that takes up the kids' mental real estate.


I totally agree.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 11:46     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP & update
DH did talk to his sister earlier in week and she first presented her DHs brother & family being there as total misunderstanding, no big deal. We did learn that they had had this visit them/stay over when they were using our house w/our permission - which while I personally would have mentioned and probably I, not necessarily my DH, would have been fine with. When DH pressed point of our invitation have always been clear (listing days/dates) his sister was ‘we assumed it was a little wishy washy’ (Urghh we’ve ALWAYS been specific!!) She acted like it was protecting our interests that they’d told them that since THEY weren’t coming the other family should just treat house like a camp with a toilet and pool - and not go in house. And she pointed out that they left as soon as we came. Because it was a call, not in person, DH felt like he made his points and will follow up when we see them - actually tomorrow at a cousin’s house.
We’re still doing Labor Day but my DH says he’s done with them using house without us. We’re not going to make some big announcement-but obviously they took our generosity as a sense of ownership we never intended.


New poster. Glad you're still doing Labor Day. MANY PPs don't seem to understand, or don't care, that the cousins are close. You and DH are doing the right thing NOT to make the cousins pay for this incident by axing a tradition they anticipate and enjoy. You are modeling for the kids that "scorched earth"/estrangement/"cutting people off" is not a mature reaction and that kids should not have to experience fallout from what were terrible decisions by adults. Good for you and DH. I'd add, though -- please try to keep further discussion of this out of the kids' earshot. They already are surely well aware of all the upset; your own kids were there when the strangers were at the house. I would try to ensure that this doesn't turn into a constant sore spot the kids hear about over and over. Yes, it IS a sore spot, but it shouldn't have to be one that takes up the kids' mental real estate.


I think it just teaches the cousins we must quickly forgive poo boundaries and disrespect. I would cancel and just see them other times. I agree with only letting them use house when you are there and do not give them any codes.


I think seeing them on Labor Day does the right thing for the kids: it keeps them out of it. You don't drag your kids into grown up drama when you don't need to. There's no reason to think the kids are going to learn the lesson you think you're teaching will sink in at this point. What you'll teach them is "when parents are stupid, the kids are punished." Why do kids need to learn that?
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 11:00     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
This entire situation is NUTS!!!!!
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 10:01     Subject: Re:BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
it doesn't seem like OP or her DH have had a frank discussion yet with them about expectations. Not that I blame OP or her DH in any way, since I think OP's expectations are absolutely the norm. I just think it would be best for all if they said to the BIL very clearly: We're upset that you offered our house to someone without our permission and that you invited guests to our house while you were there without our permission. Please understand that anyone using our house--including you--will need to clear it with us in advance, and we need to be aware of all people that will be at the home. We thought that was pretty clear before, so we do not feel comfortable allowing you to use the home without us there from now on. Then you can move past it after you clear the air.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 09:48     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP & update
DH did talk to his sister earlier in week and she first presented her DHs brother & family being there as total misunderstanding, no big deal. We did learn that they had had this visit them/stay over when they were using our house w/our permission - which while I personally would have mentioned and probably I, not necessarily my DH, would have been fine with. When DH pressed point of our invitation have always been clear (listing days/dates) his sister was ‘we assumed it was a little wishy washy’ (Urghh we’ve ALWAYS been specific!!) She acted like it was protecting our interests that they’d told them that since THEY weren’t coming the other family should just treat house like a camp with a toilet and pool - and not go in house. And she pointed out that they left as soon as we came. Because it was a call, not in person, DH felt like he made his points and will follow up when we see them - actually tomorrow at a cousin’s house.
We’re still doing Labor Day but my DH says he’s done with them using house without us. We’re not going to make some big announcement-but obviously they took our generosity as a sense of ownership we never intended.


New poster. Glad you're still doing Labor Day. MANY PPs don't seem to understand, or don't care, that the cousins are close. You and DH are doing the right thing NOT to make the cousins pay for this incident by axing a tradition they anticipate and enjoy. You are modeling for the kids that "scorched earth"/estrangement/"cutting people off" is not a mature reaction and that kids should not have to experience fallout from what were terrible decisions by adults. Good for you and DH. I'd add, though -- please try to keep further discussion of this out of the kids' earshot. They already are surely well aware of all the upset; your own kids were there when the strangers were at the house. I would try to ensure that this doesn't turn into a constant sore spot the kids hear about over and over. Yes, it IS a sore spot, but it shouldn't have to be one that takes up the kids' mental real estate.


I think it just teaches the cousins we must quickly forgive poo boundaries and disrespect. I would cancel and just see them other times. I agree with only letting them use house when you are there and do not give them any codes.


+1

Totally agree.

The above would model dysfunctional family dynamics. Very old school. We know better than to do that now.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 09:47     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP & update
DH did talk to his sister earlier in week and she first presented her DHs brother & family being there as total misunderstanding, no big deal. We did learn that they had had this visit them/stay over when they were using our house w/our permission - which while I personally would have mentioned and probably I, not necessarily my DH, would have been fine with. When DH pressed point of our invitation have always been clear (listing days/dates) his sister was ‘we assumed it was a little wishy washy’ (Urghh we’ve ALWAYS been specific!!) She acted like it was protecting our interests that they’d told them that since THEY weren’t coming the other family should just treat house like a camp with a toilet and pool - and not go in house. And she pointed out that they left as soon as we came. Because it was a call, not in person, DH felt like he made his points and will follow up when we see them - actually tomorrow at a cousin’s house.
We’re still doing Labor Day but my DH says he’s done with them using house without us. We’re not going to make some big announcement-but obviously they took our generosity as a sense of ownership we never intended.


New poster. Glad you're still doing Labor Day. MANY PPs don't seem to understand, or don't care, that the cousins are close. You and DH are doing the right thing NOT to make the cousins pay for this incident by axing a tradition they anticipate and enjoy. You are modeling for the kids that "scorched earth"/estrangement/"cutting people off" is not a mature reaction and that kids should not have to experience fallout from what were terrible decisions by adults. Good for you and DH. I'd add, though -- please try to keep further discussion of this out of the kids' earshot. They already are surely well aware of all the upset; your own kids were there when the strangers were at the house. I would try to ensure that this doesn't turn into a constant sore spot the kids hear about over and over. Yes, it IS a sore spot, but it shouldn't have to be one that takes up the kids' mental real estate.


NP. Totally respect your position, but disagree. I think it’s good for the kids to see boundaries modeled and how to manage a second home. It’s not a relationship I’d be interested in maintaining.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 09:41     Subject: Re:BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
Wow appreciate the update. I really thought it had been an innocent misunderstanding—now you know sister and BIL have been abusing this privilege all along.
Though it’s irrelevant, I do wonder if sister and BIL were being hounded by the brother to stay there? Or did they think of this bright idea on their own?
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 09:36     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
Anonymous wrote:I would have felt bad for the people in the house, who presumably had been assured it was fine to come.

Ouch. So awkward.


They knew it was not fine. They are just like the BIL. Sneaky and entitled.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 09:19     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is OP & update
DH did talk to his sister earlier in week and she first presented her DHs brother & family being there as total misunderstanding, no big deal. We did learn that they had had this visit them/stay over when they were using our house w/our permission - which while I personally would have mentioned and probably I, not necessarily my DH, would have been fine with. When DH pressed point of our invitation have always been clear (listing days/dates) his sister was ‘we assumed it was a little wishy washy’ (Urghh we’ve ALWAYS been specific!!) She acted like it was protecting our interests that they’d told them that since THEY weren’t coming the other family should just treat house like a camp with a toilet and pool - and not go in house. And she pointed out that they left as soon as we came. Because it was a call, not in person, DH felt like he made his points and will follow up when we see them - actually tomorrow at a cousin’s house.
We’re still doing Labor Day but my DH says he’s done with them using house without us. We’re not going to make some big announcement-but obviously they took our generosity as a sense of ownership we never intended.


New poster. Glad you're still doing Labor Day. MANY PPs don't seem to understand, or don't care, that the cousins are close. You and DH are doing the right thing NOT to make the cousins pay for this incident by axing a tradition they anticipate and enjoy. You are modeling for the kids that "scorched earth"/estrangement/"cutting people off" is not a mature reaction and that kids should not have to experience fallout from what were terrible decisions by adults. Good for you and DH. I'd add, though -- please try to keep further discussion of this out of the kids' earshot. They already are surely well aware of all the upset; your own kids were there when the strangers were at the house. I would try to ensure that this doesn't turn into a constant sore spot the kids hear about over and over. Yes, it IS a sore spot, but it shouldn't have to be one that takes up the kids' mental real estate.


I think it just teaches the cousins we must quickly forgive poo boundaries and disrespect. I would cancel and just see them other times. I agree with only letting them use house when you are there and do not give them any codes.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 09:14     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t disinvite them to Labor Day because of the kids. That being said, I would insist on a sit down to discuss the breach of trust.

Install ring doorbells and change the codes monthly.

Liability isn’t just about the pool either - they could have slipped and fell, experienced an injury inside the home etc.


The cousins can see eachother during other times. I would not have the gathering. I would not let them use the house again. They took advantage of generosity and could have gotten you sued.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 01:31     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
I can't imagine ever doing that with my in-laws lake house. Our very close friends once asked if they and her parents could stay there overnight to go to a funeral. My husband asked his parents and they said yes. It didn't even occur to us to not ask permission first. Our friends had been invited guests with us many times over the years, several times on major holidays when my in-laws were there. Even so, they asked our permission and we cleared it with the homeowners first. OF COURSE.

I can't imagine any scenario where I'd do what your BIL did.
Anonymous
Post 07/31/2022 00:25     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
Anonymous wrote:This is OP & update
DH did talk to his sister earlier in week and she first presented her DHs brother & family being there as total misunderstanding, no big deal. We did learn that they had had this visit them/stay over when they were using our house w/our permission - which while I personally would have mentioned and probably I, not necessarily my DH, would have been fine with. When DH pressed point of our invitation have always been clear (listing days/dates) his sister was ‘we assumed it was a little wishy washy’ (Urghh we’ve ALWAYS been specific!!) She acted like it was protecting our interests that they’d told them that since THEY weren’t coming the other family should just treat house like a camp with a toilet and pool - and not go in house. And she pointed out that they left as soon as we came. Because it was a call, not in person, DH felt like he made his points and will follow up when we see them - actually tomorrow at a cousin’s house.
We’re still doing Labor Day but my DH says he’s done with them using house without us. We’re not going to make some big announcement-but obviously they took our generosity as a sense of ownership we never intended.


New poster. Glad you're still doing Labor Day. MANY PPs don't seem to understand, or don't care, that the cousins are close. You and DH are doing the right thing NOT to make the cousins pay for this incident by axing a tradition they anticipate and enjoy. You are modeling for the kids that "scorched earth"/estrangement/"cutting people off" is not a mature reaction and that kids should not have to experience fallout from what were terrible decisions by adults. Good for you and DH. I'd add, though -- please try to keep further discussion of this out of the kids' earshot. They already are surely well aware of all the upset; your own kids were there when the strangers were at the house. I would try to ensure that this doesn't turn into a constant sore spot the kids hear about over and over. Yes, it IS a sore spot, but it shouldn't have to be one that takes up the kids' mental real estate.
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2022 22:10     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Weird follow-up.


Totally disagree. OP I will happily read updates about this for the next several years.


Me, too. And I disagree with the PP that some big announcement is warranted. OP and DH will just not share any dates they won’t be using the house. Ever. The sister/BIL abused their generosity and felt a sense of ownership that they didn’t have.


We’ll then you need a good lock to the pool area and cameras. I guarantee they will expect to stay there again. They will probably bring it up over Labor Day manipulating that you’ll want to avoid a blow up with the kids there.

It’s less drama to just matter of factly tell them in advance of the future change.


Thankfully they can change the codes at any time and just not give them to SIL.

OP, thanks for updating us. That answers the question about why BIL's brother felt like going there might be an option . . . they'd been before. And yeah, I wouldn't be happy about someone using my vacation home and me never knowing.

We got to our vacation house last week (which is a temporary place while we rebuild our regular place) and there was this horrible stain (it looked like when a zit explodes and bleeds a little) on the top sheet AND bleeding through to the fitted sheet. When we are not here the construction crew for our rebuild will be here because otherwise they have to drive 1.5 hours each way every day. But we have an agreement that we will leave each other clean sheets.

My husband was like, "Are you SURE they didn't change the sheets? How could you tell?" I was like [side eye]. "YES I'm sure."

I also use a totally different quilt when we are here because I do not know these people.

Should I leave them dirty sheets tomorrow?
Anonymous
Post 07/30/2022 22:04     Subject: BIL offered our vacation home to his brother
OP: we had to move to a policy of no one using our beach house when we weren’t there too. We had to state it the first time someone asked but after that it wasn’t a problem ever again. HTH