Anonymous wrote:OP, people on this thread are awful. You should however wash your hands of the situation. It’s simply not your problem - let this woman die however she dies, don’t go back there or have anything to do with her care, and don’t feel guilty at all. You’ve done so much more than you should have and are a very good person.

Thank you. After a horrendous stomach flu, I got on a plane Sunday and came home. I told the social worker the day before to take me off the call list. She called yesterday despite, after calling my elderly mother, who is recovering from a heart attack and stroke, to try and get information about where my aunt should go after she dies. I said I had NO idea, that my aunt is convinced she will miraculously recover and always has, that she’s made NO plans for after her demise. I said to call the medical powers of attorney listed, not me, and I will work with my OWN family on any details, if needed, as I am close to them. I reiterated that when my aunt does pass, she has given power of attorney to the Executor of the will, who she has known four months, and to call her. She did manage a will, even though she thinks it will not be necessary.

I woke up all night with nightmares, thinking I was still back there in the middle of this hell.

OP, people on this thread are awful. You should however wash your hands of the situation. It’s simply not your problem - let this woman die however she dies, don’t go back there or have anything to do with her care, and don’t feel guilty at all. You’ve done so much more than you should have and are a very good person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a really hard position to be in and I can't believe the amount of grief you're getting from people insisting you MUST have misheard the social workers and lawyers you talked to, there MUST be a simple and straightforward answer. It's the "Job's friends" reaction - this sounds so bad, it must be your fault!

My MIL died of pancreatic cancer a few months ago and it was really terrible but awfully fast. I hope your aunt is able to patch together enough help to get through these last days. Everything you do contributes even though it shouldn't all be on you.

I think it’s was OP’s insistence that there is a simple solution, and the social workers aren’t offering it because as a profession they are mean, lazy, and stupid that ruffled people’s feathers.

There isn’t a good solution. I am sorry that you are going through this, OP. I wish you the best, and I hope this situation with your aunt gives your parents some clarity when it comes to their care so that you don’t go through this again.

I don’t blame people for lashing out at a system that doesn’t work. That thread on the 70 year olds taking care of the 97 year old is horrifying.

Since when does a solitary social worker = the system? Lashing out at the system = calling your state rep/senator, protest in front a of federal building, etc.

This has been a problem forever, but folks prefer voting in elected officials who prefer to give tax cuts to the wealthy rather than create safety nets for our most vulnerable.

Social workers advice but they don't do any caretaking or things like placements. Someone is expecting way to much and that situation needs a nursing home.

Agree. OP may be doing more harm than good in this situation. Showing up in this instance means more than simply showing up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a really hard position to be in and I can't believe the amount of grief you're getting from people insisting you MUST have misheard the social workers and lawyers you talked to, there MUST be a simple and straightforward answer. It's the "Job's friends" reaction - this sounds so bad, it must be your fault!

My MIL died of pancreatic cancer a few months ago and it was really terrible but awfully fast. I hope your aunt is able to patch together enough help to get through these last days. Everything you do contributes even though it shouldn't all be on you.

I think it’s was OP’s insistence that there is a simple solution, and the social workers aren’t offering it because as a profession they are mean, lazy, and stupid that ruffled people’s feathers.

There isn’t a good solution. I am sorry that you are going through this, OP. I wish you the best, and I hope this situation with your aunt gives your parents some clarity when it comes to their care so that you don’t go through this again.

I don’t blame people for lashing out at a system that doesn’t work. That thread on the 70 year olds taking care of the 97 year old is horrifying.

Since when does a solitary social worker = the system? Lashing out at the system = calling your state rep/senator, protest in front a of federal building, etc.

This has been a problem forever, but folks prefer voting in elected officials who prefer to give tax cuts to the wealthy rather than create safety nets for our most vulnerable.

Social workers advice but they don't do any caretaking or things like placements. Someone is expecting way to much and that situation needs a nursing home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a really hard position to be in and I can't believe the amount of grief you're getting from people insisting you MUST have misheard the social workers and lawyers you talked to, there MUST be a simple and straightforward answer. It's the "Job's friends" reaction - this sounds so bad, it must be your fault!

My MIL died of pancreatic cancer a few months ago and it was really terrible but awfully fast. I hope your aunt is able to patch together enough help to get through these last days. Everything you do contributes even though it shouldn't all be on you.

I think it’s was OP’s insistence that there is a simple solution, and the social workers aren’t offering it because as a profession they are mean, lazy, and stupid that ruffled people’s feathers.

There isn’t a good solution. I am sorry that you are going through this, OP. I wish you the best, and I hope this situation with your aunt gives your parents some clarity when it comes to their care so that you don’t go through this again.

I don’t blame people for lashing out at a system that doesn’t work. That thread on the 70 year olds taking care of the 97 year old is horrifying.

Since when does a solitary social worker = the system? Lashing out at the system = calling your state rep/senator, protest in front a of federal building, etc.

This has been a problem forever, but folks prefer voting in elected officials who prefer to give tax cuts to the wealthy rather than create safety nets for our most vulnerable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a really hard position to be in and I can't believe the amount of grief you're getting from people insisting you MUST have misheard the social workers and lawyers you talked to, there MUST be a simple and straightforward answer. It's the "Job's friends" reaction - this sounds so bad, it must be your fault!

My MIL died of pancreatic cancer a few months ago and it was really terrible but awfully fast. I hope your aunt is able to patch together enough help to get through these last days. Everything you do contributes even though it shouldn't all be on you.

I think it’s was OP’s insistence that there is a simple solution, and the social workers aren’t offering it because as a profession they are mean, lazy, and stupid that ruffled people’s feathers.

There isn’t a good solution. I am sorry that you are going through this, OP. I wish you the best, and I hope this situation with your aunt gives your parents some clarity when it comes to their care so that you don’t go through this again.

I don’t blame people for lashing out at a system that doesn’t work. That thread on the 70 year olds taking care of the 97 year old is horrifying.

OP hasn't even looked into it and is just assuming aunt is not eligible.

I thought OP said upthread she did look into it and was told no due to private pensions and SS?

Stop being clueless. If a nursing home costs $10-12K a month and aunt is bringing in $3-4K with pension and SS, they qualify. As long as the nursing home costs more monthly than the income as she has little in assets, she qualifies. OP doesn't know or care.

OP here. The clueless one is you. My aunt (once again) is not long-term. She isn’t expected to last the week. She’s comatose right how and in hospice where she belongs. They thought she was stable and tried to get me to bring her home. Good thing I held my ground. Apparently her bladder is mostly blocked and she was in raging pain last night and vomiting. They finally got a catheter in on the third try with the third nurse. If she had been home, she would have had a horrendous death. They had to take emergency measures. You keep speaking as if she is long-term. She isn’t and doesn’t meet that criteria.

Long term is the name of the program. It doesn’t matter if she is there a day or a week. Stop prolonging her life. Let her pass. She belongs in a hospital.

She won't go to the hospital. She is prolonging her own life

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a really hard position to be in and I can't believe the amount of grief you're getting from people insisting you MUST have misheard the social workers and lawyers you talked to, there MUST be a simple and straightforward answer. It's the "Job's friends" reaction - this sounds so bad, it must be your fault!

My MIL died of pancreatic cancer a few months ago and it was really terrible but awfully fast. I hope your aunt is able to patch together enough help to get through these last days. Everything you do contributes even though it shouldn't all be on you.

I think it’s was OP’s insistence that there is a simple solution, and the social workers aren’t offering it because as a profession they are mean, lazy, and stupid that ruffled people’s feathers.

There isn’t a good solution. I am sorry that you are going through this, OP. I wish you the best, and I hope this situation with your aunt gives your parents some clarity when it comes to their care so that you don’t go through this again.

I don’t blame people for lashing out at a system that doesn’t work. That thread on the 70 year olds taking care of the 97 year old is horrifying.

OP hasn't even looked into it and is just assuming aunt is not eligible.

I thought OP said upthread she did look into it and was told no due to private pensions and SS?

Stop being clueless. If a nursing home costs $10-12K a month and aunt is bringing in $3-4K with pension and SS, they qualify. As long as the nursing home costs more monthly than the income as she has little in assets, she qualifies. OP doesn't know or care.

OP here. The clueless one is you. My aunt (once again) is not long-term. She isn’t expected to last the week. She’s comatose right how and in hospice where she belongs. They thought she was stable and tried to get me to bring her home. Good thing I held my ground. Apparently her bladder is mostly blocked and she was in raging pain last night and vomiting. They finally got a catheter in on the third try with the third nurse. If she had been home, she would have had a horrendous death. They had to take emergency measures. You keep speaking as if she is long-term. She isn’t and doesn’t meet that criteria.

Long term is the name of the program. It doesn’t matter if she is there a day or a week. Stop prolonging her life. Let her pass. She belongs in a hospital.

She should be in the hospital.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a really hard position to be in and I can't believe the amount of grief you're getting from people insisting you MUST have misheard the social workers and lawyers you talked to, there MUST be a simple and straightforward answer. It's the "Job's friends" reaction - this sounds so bad, it must be your fault!

My MIL died of pancreatic cancer a few months ago and it was really terrible but awfully fast. I hope your aunt is able to patch together enough help to get through these last days. Everything you do contributes even though it shouldn't all be on you.

I think it’s was OP’s insistence that there is a simple solution, and the social workers aren’t offering it because as a profession they are mean, lazy, and stupid that ruffled people’s feathers.

There isn’t a good solution. I am sorry that you are going through this, OP. I wish you the best, and I hope this situation with your aunt gives your parents some clarity when it comes to their care so that you don’t go through this again.

I don’t blame people for lashing out at a system that doesn’t work. That thread on the 70 year olds taking care of the 97 year old is horrifying.

Then push back through your Congressional representation. Yelling at social workers isn't the answer; they don't make the rules. The system sucks, so fight the people who create and maintain it.

I'm sorry you're going through this, too, OP, and I hope when you have the time you can get some professional help to process the experience.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you have to let people make and live with their decisions. Maybe that is what the social worker was trying to tell you?

(I do agree that the social worker industry is not set up to consider economic limits in care unless the patient qualifies for Medicaid or state program)

I wouldn't limit this to the "social worker industry" - part of the reason there is Medicare/aid is that there has been a long term elder care crisis in this country. Those programs may a difference for many, but not for all. Appears that OP's aunt may fall in the latter category.

Sometimes you have to let people make and live with their decisions. Maybe that is what the social worker was trying to tell you?

(I do agree that the social worker industry is not set up to consider economic limits in care unless the patient qualifies for Medicaid or state program)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a really hard position to be in and I can't believe the amount of grief you're getting from people insisting you MUST have misheard the social workers and lawyers you talked to, there MUST be a simple and straightforward answer. It's the "Job's friends" reaction - this sounds so bad, it must be your fault!

My MIL died of pancreatic cancer a few months ago and it was really terrible but awfully fast. I hope your aunt is able to patch together enough help to get through these last days. Everything you do contributes even though it shouldn't all be on you.

I think it’s was OP’s insistence that there is a simple solution, and the social workers aren’t offering it because as a profession they are mean, lazy, and stupid that ruffled people’s feathers.

There isn’t a good solution. I am sorry that you are going through this, OP. I wish you the best, and I hope this situation with your aunt gives your parents some clarity when it comes to their care so that you don’t go through this again.

I don’t blame people for lashing out at a system that doesn’t work. That thread on the 70 year olds taking care of the 97 year old is horrifying.

OP hasn't even looked into it and is just assuming aunt is not eligible.

I thought OP said upthread she did look into it and was told no due to private pensions and SS?

Stop being clueless. If a nursing home costs $10-12K a month and aunt is bringing in $3-4K with pension and SS, they qualify. As long as the nursing home costs more monthly than the income as she has little in assets, she qualifies. OP doesn't know or care.

OP here. The clueless one is you. My aunt (once again) is not long-term. She isn’t expected to last the week. She’s comatose right how and in hospice where she belongs. They thought she was stable and tried to get me to bring her home. Good thing I held my ground. Apparently her bladder is mostly blocked and she was in raging pain last night and vomiting. They finally got a catheter in on the third try with the third nurse. If she had been home, she would have had a horrendous death. They had to take emergency measures. You keep speaking as if she is long-term. She isn’t and doesn’t meet that criteria.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a really hard position to be in and I can't believe the amount of grief you're getting from people insisting you MUST have misheard the social workers and lawyers you talked to, there MUST be a simple and straightforward answer. It's the "Job's friends" reaction - this sounds so bad, it must be your fault!

My MIL died of pancreatic cancer a few months ago and it was really terrible but awfully fast. I hope your aunt is able to patch together enough help to get through these last days. Everything you do contributes even though it shouldn't all be on you.

I think it’s was OP’s insistence that there is a simple solution, and the social workers aren’t offering it because as a profession they are mean, lazy, and stupid that ruffled people’s feathers.

There isn’t a good solution. I am sorry that you are going through this, OP. I wish you the best, and I hope this situation with your aunt gives your parents some clarity when it comes to their care so that you don’t go through this again.

I don’t blame people for lashing out at a system that doesn’t work. That thread on the 70 year olds taking care of the 97 year old is horrifying.

OP hasn't even looked into it and is just assuming aunt is not eligible.

I thought OP said upthread she did look into it and was told no due to private pensions and SS?

Stop being clueless. If a nursing home costs $10-12K a month and aunt is bringing in $3-4K with pension and SS, they qualify. As long as the nursing home costs more monthly than the income as she has little in assets, she qualifies. OP doesn't know or care.

Wake up naysayers:

https://www.thecaregiverspace.org/dying-home-not-cracked/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a really hard position to be in and I can't believe the amount of grief you're getting from people insisting you MUST have misheard the social workers and lawyers you talked to, there MUST be a simple and straightforward answer. It's the "Job's friends" reaction - this sounds so bad, it must be your fault!

My MIL died of pancreatic cancer a few months ago and it was really terrible but awfully fast. I hope your aunt is able to patch together enough help to get through these last days. Everything you do contributes even though it shouldn't all be on you.

I think it’s was OP’s insistence that there is a simple solution, and the social workers aren’t offering it because as a profession they are mean, lazy, and stupid that ruffled people’s feathers.

There isn’t a good solution. I am sorry that you are going through this, OP. I wish you the best, and I hope this situation with your aunt gives your parents some clarity when it comes to their care so that you don’t go through this again.

I don’t blame people for lashing out at a system that doesn’t work. That thread on the 70 year olds taking care of the 97 year old is horrifying.

OP hasn't even looked into it and is just assuming aunt is not eligible.

I thought OP said upthread she did look into it and was told no due to private pensions and SS?