My brother cheated and married the other woman. My former SIL has cut off all relationships with anyone who agrees to meet with, speak to etc my brother’s wife. I really miss my former SIL but my brother’s wife comes to Tgiving, Xmas etc. and I can’t just not see her. I can’t begin to fathom the pain my brother caused her but she goes out of her way to prevent him and his wife from spending any extra time with their child. She hires babysitters for work trips, puts him in aftercare etc even when my brother would like to have the child with him. She has taken out a restraining order against my brother’s wife preventing her from going on the property - so child handoffs are on the street if my brother can’t do them. I’m angry at my brother and SIl’s behavior and how they went about things, but I keep thinking how much nicer it would be for the child (who now has younger siblings) to have MORE people showing him love and support, not fewer. People aren’t all good or all bad - my SIl made a moral decision I wouldn’t make or emulate, but she loves her stepchild deeply. Also, Op, it’s another family member but no one can (or should) replace mom.

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband had an affair that lasted several years. We recently divorced and I found out he is still with her. I suspect they are going to get married. My question is how do I prevent her from being around my child? Can I somehow go back to court to renegotiate our child custody agreement? My child is 13 Is there any way they can go before a judge and say they don't want to be around her?
Please help!

Tell your kid to be nasty to her.

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband had an affair that lasted several years. We recently divorced and I found out he is still with her. I suspect they are going to get married. My question is how do I prevent her from being around my child? Can I somehow go back to court to renegotiate our child custody agreement? My child is 13 Is there any way they can go before a judge and say they don't want to be around her?
Please help!

You can't. The child's father has the right to be with whoever he wants. Now, unless the "other woman" is unfit to be around a child...then you MIGHT have a case. Otherwise, you just sound bitter. Move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had some sleep and put the wine down and reread your messages. I hear you, I hear you. I'm going to take the high road and Hope that this woman will be good to my child. The infertility remarks will really mean and unnecessary I'm just hurt. I thought I was over all of this when the divorce was final, but hearing they were moving in together opened up new wounds. I didn't know he was still with her. I knew he was seeing someone but all my energy has been thrown into work and my child because I've read books about the effects of divorce on young children. It's not a good feeling when your husband leaves you for someone else. The fact that he's been with her for more than a decade means that there's probably some kind of substance to the relationship and I can't just pretend she was one of the many that he would run through in the past. I love my child very much and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. I've made an emergency therapy appointment that I am thankfully able to do via video chat. I'm trying really hard not to feel like this man stole my life I don't recognize myself I wasn't always this bitter..... I appreciate all the advice.

Good for you! I'm the poster whose ex never really saw the kids again. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you are much better off without this man as your husband. Anyone who could lie to you for so long and live a double life is not someone you want making your health/ money and nursing home decisions when you're old. It is much better to lose him now, when you are younger and can still rebuild your life, than when you are 70 or sick. Go to the therapist. Fake it till you can make it. Keep prioritizing your daughter's well-being and do not DO NOT pretend some great, wonderful person got away. He's not. At some point, sit and write a list of all his faults and all the jerky things he did and whenever you start feeling sorry for yourself and thinking she got such a good guy, pull out that list and remind yourself who he really is. It'll get better. Your self-esteem is just beaten up right now but you'll realize you deserve someone who can be honest.

NP here, I've been divorced for several years and for a similar reason. What PP above wrote really helped me. It does help to remind yourself that someone great did not get away. Reframing it that is helpful. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, your daughter is a teen and won't want to spend her weekends with a traitorous father and and his moral-free mistress.

Sign her up for a bunch of weekend activities. ALso, since he is the typical male, he won't really want to take up his weekends with his kid.

My bet is 1 year from now, visits with dad and the vapid woman will be few and far between.

No. How childish.

New poster here who is divorced with older kids who did well. This advice is SPOT ON. Her daughter needs to be kept busy with friends and role models and activities and support so she can feel normal and be shielded from broken-hearted/fragile moms, cheating dads, and mistresses.

I have no idea how the father will react, but this is very good advice.

No it is not good advice it is using your child as a pawn to get back at your ex You can dress it up and call it a million different things , but when it comes down to it, it's an attempt to alienate the child from her father because you ( rightfully) have hurt feelings.

It is very good advice. The child needs to be kept busy to feel normal and maintain social contacts and stay as far away from grieving mothers and cheating fathers.

And I'm not the person who originally gave her this advice. I'm a divorced mother who is 100 percent against parental alienation. (And by the way, this isn't parental alienation at all. Please do not throw around that term unless you know what it means legally. You sound like an idiot.)

It's terrible advice signing DD up for a bunch of activities, she's not already in on the weekends so she can't see her da, because gf might be there has nothing to do with the well being of a child. I might be an idiot ,but you're a witch who is messing up her kids because she's angry. You being angry at your ex no matter how justified doesn't give you the right to try to destroy the relationship with the father.. It's the kid that will suffer. and you'll suffer in the future once your kid figures out what you did. See a therapist, bitch to your friends and stop messing up your kids.

Bugger off. My kids are doing great, thank you, and they are all off to college. My divorce was a decade ago, and my kids have never been dragged into anything and they are certainly not messed up.

No one here said to destroy a relationship with a father. I said to keep kids busy during and after a terrible divorce like this one.

I don't know who you are accusing of being a witch, but I said the kid needs to stay busy and maintain social contacts and not be dragged into this mess. You need to learn how to read.

I don't know what else happened in your life to make you be so nasty, and so bitter, but I hope you have a good evening.

Have a fabulous evening!

Anonymous wrote:I have had some sleep and put the wine down and reread your messages. I hear you, I hear you. I'm going to take the high road and Hope that this woman will be good to my child. The infertility remarks will really mean and unnecessary I'm just hurt. I thought I was over all of this when the divorce was final, but hearing they were moving in together opened up new wounds. I didn't know he was still with her. I knew he was seeing someone but all my energy has been thrown into work and my child because I've read books about the effects of divorce on young children. It's not a good feeling when your husband leaves you for someone else. The fact that he's been with her for more than a decade means that there's probably some kind of substance to the relationship and I can't just pretend she was one of the many that he would run through in the past. I love my child very much and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. I've made an emergency therapy appointment that I am thankfully able to do via video chat. I'm trying really hard not to feel like this man stole my life I don't recognize myself I wasn't always this bitter..... I appreciate all the advice.

OK, I'm the PP who called you a terrible person. I'm sorry I said that. Calling infertility "karma" was a terrible thing for you to say, but saying something terrible is not the same thing as being a terrible person. I've said terrible things in my life, too, when I was hurt and lashing out. To be 100% honest: I recognize what you said about pain making you bitter. After I lost my 4th pregnancy, I felt like the bottomless pain had turned me into a horrible person, and it was yet another thing that infertility had stolen from me. I hated the person I'd become. Over the years, I felt my own sense of balance and decency coming back, but apparently all it takes is a nasty DCUM post for me to turn into that person again. We both still have some healing to do.

It sounds like you are on the right path. It really seems like what you lost wasn't this guy, but the life and dream of what you thought your life with him could be. He is no great prize. His character is obviously... not there. I am sure it doesn't feel like you're better off without him, but I hope that someday at the other end you'll feel that way... because you deserve better. Even if you, like me, have your nasty and vengeful moments. You deserve honesty and respect, which he did not give you.

That's great that you found an online therapist. It sounds like you know that top priority needs to be making this smooth for your child, not obstructing her. I know it will hurt if and when she develops a relationship with the OW, but believe me, NOTHING in the universe can replace your role in her life. Nothing. If the OW loves her, it's just another person to love and support your child. And someday she (or he, though for some reason I've been imagining your child as a daughter) will look back and say "Damn, my mom was a class act. It must have killed her to always be so polite and supportive about OW, but she cared about me more than her own feelings."

Best of luck to you.

First, OP, I commend you for coming back to this a few different times and reflecting on the advice/comments you've been given here. Not everyone would have the grace to admit that they have realized that they were making mistakes. And good for you for making a therapy appointment, too. I think you're going to find it so useful to speak to someone about all of this.

Second, if you are reading this thread and you've never been through this, consider yourselves lucky. And if you have and you've never had any of these negative thoughts - you're a better person than I am. Feeling like I lost my husband to the OW was tough. Feeling like I could potentially lose my kids to her, well...that cut me in a way that I've never felt before. Seeing her in the passenger seat as my ex drives, watching my kids pile in the back and go off on an adventure with them that I'm not a part of...that's caused me some indescribable pain. Sometimes it feels like someone just plucked me out of his life and inserted her in my spot.

But...guess what? I can keep crying and complaining about it, but it's not going to change anything. The phrase "it is what it is" is overused, but sometimes, it fits. This is one of those situations. The OW is not a horrible person. Clearly, she has some different morals than I do, but she treats my children very well, and she genuinely seems to like them as people. It's not her fault that my marriage broke apart. She didn't make vows to me, HE did. As much as it's easier and sometimes more comfortable to place the blame squarely on her, he's most at fault. But honestly, it doesn't even matter - because my kids love their father and need to be with him, and whether I like it or not, he comes with OW as a package deal.

It's taken me a while to be able to live without this pain weighing me down. In time, it will come for you, too. There are still moments where I get a sharp twinge of hurt, but it's less frequent and passes more quickly than it used to. Therapy helps. Finding things to look forward to when I don't have the kids with me helps. Talking with friends helps. Find whatever you can to make you happy and less focused on the OW. I promise it will get easier.

Anonymous wrote:I have had some sleep and put the wine down and reread your messages. I hear you, I hear you. I'm going to take the high road and Hope that this woman will be good to my child. The infertility remarks will really mean and unnecessary I'm just hurt. I thought I was over all of this when the divorce was final, but hearing they were moving in together opened up new wounds. I didn't know he was still with her. I knew he was seeing someone but all my energy has been thrown into work and my child because I've read books about the effects of divorce on young children. It's not a good feeling when your husband leaves you for someone else. The fact that he's been with her for more than a decade means that there's probably some kind of substance to the relationship and I can't just pretend she was one of the many that he would run through in the past. I love my child very much and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. I've made an emergency therapy appointment that I am thankfully able to do via video chat. I'm trying really hard not to feel like this man stole my life I don't recognize myself I wasn't always this bitter..... I appreciate all the advice.

He didn't steal your life, you have many years ahead of you, and hopefully, in therapy you'll be able to work out why you stayed with a man who disrespected you for 13 years and never tolerate the same again. As pp said he's not a good man, and you deserve better. Things will be better, you will be okay and your daughter will be too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had some sleep and put the wine down and reread your messages. I hear you, I hear you. I'm going to take the high road and Hope that this woman will be good to my child. The infertility remarks will really mean and unnecessary I'm just hurt. I thought I was over all of this when the divorce was final, but hearing they were moving in together opened up new wounds. I didn't know he was still with her. I knew he was seeing someone but all my energy has been thrown into work and my child because I've read books about the effects of divorce on young children. It's not a good feeling when your husband leaves you for someone else. The fact that he's been with her for more than a decade means that there's probably some kind of substance to the relationship and I can't just pretend she was one of the many that he would run through in the past. I love my child very much and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. I've made an emergency therapy appointment that I am thankfully able to do via video chat. I'm trying really hard not to feel like this man stole my life I don't recognize myself I wasn't always this bitter..... I appreciate all the advice.

Good for you! I'm the poster whose ex never really saw the kids again. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you are much better off without this man as your husband. Anyone who could lie to you for so long and live a double life is not someone you want making your health/ money and nursing home decisions when you're old. It is much better to lose him now, when you are younger and can still rebuild your life, than when you are 70 or sick. Go to the therapist. Fake it till you can make it. Keep prioritizing your daughter's well-being and do not DO NOT pretend some great, wonderful person got away. He's not. At some point, sit and write a list of all his faults and all the jerky things he did and whenever you start feeling sorry for yourself and thinking she got such a good guy, pull out that list and remind yourself who he really is. It'll get better. Your self-esteem is just beaten up right now but you'll realize you deserve someone who can be honest.

Agree. OP, you are better off without him even if it doesn’t seem like it right now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am a child of multiple divorces spurned by infidelity. Please get a therapist and get over your ex. Growing up stewed in parental resentment was hell.

Multiple divorces??? Yikes. How did that happen? How many parents cheated?

Both bio parents cheated at some point but my dad cheated on every wife.

That's horrible. What kind of people are your parents????

I think that parental resentment was only part of the problem there. Cheating was the problem. What was wrong with your father that he cheated on every wife? how many wives did he have?

Crazy.

Cray-Cray!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ he was faithful until year 14 of marriage. It was the same age are firstborn was (8) when his alcoholic cheating dad blew up the family. He was seriously messed up for several years. A lot of times midlife is when childhood issues emerge.

*our

Therapists call it a “trigger” time

You are such a fckin mess. You vomit this garbage everywhere here! Get a grip. Go away.

Anonymous wrote:I have had some sleep and put the wine down and reread your messages. I hear you, I hear you. I'm going to take the high road and Hope that this woman will be good to my child. The infertility remarks will really mean and unnecessary I'm just hurt. I thought I was over all of this when the divorce was final, but hearing they were moving in together opened up new wounds. I didn't know he was still with her. I knew he was seeing someone but all my energy has been thrown into work and my child because I've read books about the effects of divorce on young children. It's not a good feeling when your husband leaves you for someone else. The fact that he's been with her for more than a decade means that there's probably some kind of substance to the relationship and I can't just pretend she was one of the many that he would run through in the past. I love my child very much and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. I've made an emergency therapy appointment that I am thankfully able to do via video chat. I'm trying really hard not to feel like this man stole my life I don't recognize myself I wasn't always this bitter..... I appreciate all the advice.

Good for you OP ! Glad to hear it. This is how you win! Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, your daughter is a teen and won't want to spend her weekends with a traitorous father and and his moral-free mistress.

Sign her up for a bunch of weekend activities. ALso, since he is the typical male, he won't really want to take up his weekends with his kid.

My bet is 1 year from now, visits with dad and the vapid woman will be few and far between.

No. How childish.

New poster here who is divorced with older kids who did well. This advice is SPOT ON. Her daughter needs to be kept busy with friends and role models and activities and support so she can feel normal and be shielded from broken-hearted/fragile moms, cheating dads, and mistresses.

I have no idea how the father will react, but this is very good advice.

No it is not good advice it is using your child as a pawn to get back at your ex You can dress it up and call it a million different things , but when it comes down to it, it's an attempt to alienate the child from her father because you ( rightfully) have hurt feelings.

It is very good advice. The child needs to be kept busy to feel normal and maintain social contacts and stay as far away from grieving mothers and cheating fathers.

And I'm not the person who originally gave her this advice. I'm a divorced mother who is 100 percent against parental alienation. (And by the way, this isn't parental alienation at all. Please do not throw around that term unless you know what it means legally. You sound like an idiot.)

It's terrible advice signing DD up for a bunch of activities, she's not already in on the weekends so she can't see her da, because gf might be there has nothing to do with the well being of a child. I might be an idiot ,but you're a witch who is messing up her kids because she's angry. You being angry at your ex no matter how justified doesn't give you the right to try to destroy the relationship with the father.. It's the kid that will suffer. and you'll suffer in the future once your kid figures out what you did. See a therapist, bitch to your friends and stop messing up your kids.

Bugger off. My kids are doing great, thank you, and they are all off to college. My divorce was a decade ago, and my kids have never been dragged into anything and they are certainly not messed up.

No one here said to destroy a relationship with a father. I said to keep kids busy during and after a terrible divorce like this one.

I don't know who you are accusing of being a witch, but I said the kid needs to stay busy and maintain social contacts and not be dragged into this mess. You need to learn how to read.

I don't know what else happened in your life to make you be so nasty, and so bitter, but I hope you have a good evening.

Anonymous wrote:I have had some sleep and put the wine down and reread your messages. I hear you, I hear you. I'm going to take the high road and Hope that this woman will be good to my child. The infertility remarks will really mean and unnecessary I'm just hurt. I thought I was over all of this when the divorce was final, but hearing they were moving in together opened up new wounds. I didn't know he was still with her. I knew he was seeing someone but all my energy has been thrown into work and my child because I've read books about the effects of divorce on young children. It's not a good feeling when your husband leaves you for someone else. The fact that he's been with her for more than a decade means that there's probably some kind of substance to the relationship and I can't just pretend she was one of the many that he would run through in the past. I love my child very much and the last thing I want to do is hurt them. I've made an emergency therapy appointment that I am thankfully able to do via video chat. I'm trying really hard not to feel like this man stole my life I don't recognize myself I wasn't always this bitter..... I appreciate all the advice.

Good for you! I'm the poster whose ex never really saw the kids again. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you are much better off without this man as your husband. Anyone who could lie to you for so long and live a double life is not someone you want making your health/ money and nursing home decisions when you're old. It is much better to lose him now, when you are younger and can still rebuild your life, than when you are 70 or sick. Go to the therapist. Fake it till you can make it. Keep prioritizing your daughter's well-being and do not DO NOT pretend some great, wonderful person got away. He's not. At some point, sit and write a list of all his faults and all the jerky things he did and whenever you start feeling sorry for yourself and thinking she got such a good guy, pull out that list and remind yourself who he really is. It'll get better. Your self-esteem is just beaten up right now but you'll realize you deserve someone who can be honest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, your daughter is a teen and won't want to spend her weekends with a traitorous father and and his moral-free mistress.

Sign her up for a bunch of weekend activities. ALso, since he is the typical male, he won't really want to take up his weekends with his kid.

My bet is 1 year from now, visits with dad and the vapid woman will be few and far between.

No. How childish.

New poster here who is divorced with older kids who did well. This advice is SPOT ON. Her daughter needs to be kept busy with friends and role models and activities and support so she can feel normal and be shielded from broken-hearted/fragile moms, cheating dads, and mistresses.

I have no idea how the father will react, but this is very good advice.

No it is not good advice it is using your child as a pawn to get back at your ex You can dress it up and call it a million different things , but when it comes down to it, it's an attempt to alienate the child from her father because you ( rightfully) have hurt feelings.

It is very good advice. The child needs to be kept busy to feel normal and maintain social contacts and stay as far away from grieving mothers and cheating fathers.

And I'm not the person who originally gave her this advice. I'm a divorced mother who is 100 percent against parental alienation. (And by the way, this isn't parental alienation at all. Please do not throw around that term unless you know what it means legally. You sound like an idiot.)

It's terrible advice signing DD up for a bunch of activities, she's not already in on the weekends so she can't see her da, because gf might be there has nothing to do with the well being of a child. I might be an idiot ,but you're a witch who is messing up her kids because she's angry. You being angry at your ex no matter how justified doesn't give you the right to try to destroy the relationship with the father.. It's the kid that will suffer. and you'll suffer in the future once your kid figures out what you did. See a therapist, bitch to your friends and stop messing up your kids.

Bugger off. My kids are doing great, thank you, and they are all off to college. My divorce was a decade ago, and my kids have never been dragged into anything and they are certainly not messed up.

No one here said to destroy a relationship with a father. I said to keep kids busy during and after a terrible divorce like this one.

I don't know who you are accusing of being a witch, but I said the kid needs to stay busy and maintain social contacts and not be dragged into this mess. You need to learn how to read.