Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not good. Does she have any cognitive or mental issues that her parents are aware of? Is she doing drugs? It certainly sounds like some misguided teen cry for help. Was she abused in college, by step dad or a relative? What is she going to do? Be homeless? Sounds like she lacks faculties to help herself.

I have thought about this endlessly over the past month. My husband and I have talked about it at great length. He and his ex have seen a therapist about it - none of us can come up with an answer. My step daughter is smart and funny and she used to be more social. As her friends progressed in life, they left her behind (that's a pretty solid consensus we all agree upon). Her two closest friends ended up going to Ivy league schools - all I can guess is that she felt pressured to succeed like so many kids in this area (although my husband and his ex are both pretty laid back) and that pressure just led her straight into a brick wall. My intuition at this point is that she thinks it is too late and life has passed her by. Her friends from HS are either in grad school or working. I think as each day passes she realizes its getting harder for her to reverse course and that's what is keeping her stuck.

She's still so young, but I can relate in some ways because when I was her age I felt like my course in life was set out for me (looking back I can see how easy it is to change tack, study something new, embark on a career etc in your early 20s).

I was really against having her move in at first because I just felt like it was a for landing for her and an avoidance tactic. I still think she's avoiding things, but I don't know what to say - she literally has nowhere to go. I guess she could try to stay with her grandfather (my husband's ex father) but again, its just another soft landing place for her? And i'm not sure it is fair to ask him to take her in?

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. Has she been evaluated for depression? What does she do with her time?

I might advocate taking her in if she agreed to mental health treatment - whether it's medication, cognitive behavioral therapy or whatever. If she won't agree to that, it'd be a no. She may need to truly understand she has nowhere to go, no way to feed herself before she "wakes up" and gets it.

I get that your husband/EX W's therapist thinks they should stand firm, but is there some future re-evaluation?

Hi OP.

The "why's" don't matter. Just push forward. Big picture Dad and Bio Mom and you are really to be commended for being on the same page.

Consider temp service....Dad or Bio Mom or you take her
to several temp services to fill out an application.

They will have her in a job in a day or so. It might
be an office job or it might be retail. Have one of the
adults drive her around to the temp services so you
know applications get filled out.

If she moves back with Dad, bio Mom or grandfather
she needs to be out of the house and filling out
applications every day. I'd tell her a minimum of
10 applications a day and to give you a list daily
of where she has applied. Several applications is
not acceptable. She needs to walk around the mall
and fill out an application at each place.

Then she can start filling out applications at the restaurants
in the area. Every one starts somewhere in a job.

Then have her fill out applications at all of the hotels
in the area. They are always hiring desk clerks.

School board has a lot of jobs that only require
high school education.

Then have her apply at the hospitals. The hospitals
will train her to push patients around in wheel chairs.

If she stays with grandfather she needs a job too.

Once she gets the job going Dad and Bio Mom should
stand together that she pays some rent, cell phone
fee, cable fee etc to wherever she is staying:
Dad, Bio Mom or grandfather. I wouldn't charge
too much, kind of a token amount to encourage
her to save up so she can move out with new friends
she meets.

Great job on Dad, Bio Mom and you standing together.

Be aware this situation is not uncommon on our society.
It seems to be more common in young males.
They want to game all night on the computer and not
work jobs.

God Bless, you have a big heart, thinking of you.

Anonymous wrote:That is not good. Does she have any cognitive or mental issues that her parents are aware of? Is she doing drugs? It certainly sounds like some misguided teen cry for help. Was she abused in college, by step dad or a relative? What is she going to do? Be homeless? Sounds like she lacks faculties to help herself.

I have thought about this endlessly over the past month. My husband and I have talked about it at great length. He and his ex have seen a therapist about it - none of us can come up with an answer. My step daughter is smart and funny and she used to be more social. As her friends progressed in life, they left her behind (that's a pretty solid consensus we all agree upon). Her two closest friends ended up going to Ivy league schools - all I can guess is that she felt pressured to succeed like so many kids in this area (although my husband and his ex are both pretty laid back) and that pressure just led her straight into a brick wall. My intuition at this point is that she thinks it is too late and life has passed her by. Her friends from HS are either in grad school or working. I think as each day passes she realizes its getting harder for her to reverse course and that's what is keeping her stuck.

She's still so young, but I can relate in some ways because when I was her age I felt like my course in life was set out for me (looking back I can see how easy it is to change tack, study something new, embark on a career etc in your early 20s).

I was really against having her move in at first because I just felt like it was a for landing for her and an avoidance tactic. I still think she's avoiding things, but I don't know what to say - she literally has nowhere to go. I guess she could try to stay with her grandfather (my husband's ex father) but again, its just another soft landing place for her? And i'm not sure it is fair to ask him to take her in?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is not good. Does she have any cognitive or mental issues that her parents are aware of? Is she doing drugs? It certainly sounds like some misguided teen cry for help. Was she abused in college, by step dad or a relative? What is she going to do? Be homeless? Sounds like she lacks faculties to help herself.

PP. I suppose any reason is possible.

What practical, concrete steps would you suggest for OP to move forward? Specifics?

I was more commiserating. Did OP mention if they suggested community college? If not, I would insist that she enrolls full time at a local community college, in lieu of working right now, and keep up with it and get some associate degree. But, perhaps that was already given a shot?

Anonymous wrote:That is not good. Does she have any cognitive or mental issues that her parents are aware of? Is she doing drugs? It certainly sounds like some misguided teen cry for help. Was she abused in college, by step dad or a relative? What is she going to do? Be homeless? Sounds like she lacks faculties to help herself.

PP. I suppose any reason is possible.

What practical, concrete steps would you suggest for OP to move forward? Specifics?

That is not good. Does she have any cognitive or mental issues that her parents are aware of? Is she doing drugs? It certainly sounds like some misguided teen cry for help. Was she abused in college, by step dad or a relative? What is she going to do? Be homeless? Sounds like she lacks faculties to help herself.

What does she say about not working? Or does she insist that she’s “trying” to find a job but can’t? Why can’t she get a retail job for now as a stop-gap, to help pay the bills?

I wonder what her long-term plan is. Why doesn’t she have more than one friend? It’s good your DH and his ex are a united front. They should’ve done this before now.

I would really like to hear suggested next steps from the posters who indicated all you needed was to smile and believe in her.

What next, specifically? Do you say anything about the yelling? What to say to avoiding either therapy or the job? Maybe a plate of warm oatmeal cookies?

Anonymous wrote:OP checking in for more advice. My husband and his ex got together and agreed the rules should be the same at our house. He insisted my step daughter start working so she left and has been staying with a friend. Now the friend’s parents have told her she needs to leave and can’t stay there anymore. They didn’t directly say that she was a freeloader but that’s what they implied. None of us are sure what to do. My husband and his ex are standing firm that she can’t live with either of them if she won’t work. They’re meeting her this morning to discuss the future (after she packs up her stuff and leaves her friend’s house). She should definitely be in therapy to figure out why she is so resistant to work, so resistant to growing up - but she refuses that too. It’s cold and she has no other friends, nowhere to go. I think we should take her back in at this point but my husband and his ex saw a therapist who said they need to stay united and not cave.

You are very kind, but the therapist is correct. Nobody should be enabling this girl.no excuse for her not to get some.job. plus obviously someone is giving her money. Someone is feeding her, buying her tampons, and sustaining her basics. This need to stop as well.

OP checking in for more advice. My husband and his ex got together and agreed the rules should be the same at our house. He insisted my step daughter start working so she left and has been staying with a friend. Now the friend’s parents have told her she needs to leave and can’t stay there anymore. They didn’t directly say that she was a freeloader but that’s what they implied. None of us are sure what to do. My husband and his ex are standing firm that she can’t live with either of them if she won’t work. They’re meeting her this morning to discuss the future (after she packs up her stuff and leaves her friend’s house). She should definitely be in therapy to figure out why she is so resistant to work, so resistant to growing up - but she refuses that too. It’s cold and she has no other friends, nowhere to go. I think we should take her back in at this point but my husband and his ex saw a therapist who said they need to stay united and not cave.

Yelling at her dad is a no go since she is living for free. Insist (to your husband) that her yelling at him ya a deal breaker.

Is she in drugs or depressed?

Yep, she needs to fly the coop. She’s an adult.

OP here - it is going very poorly. She's fighting with her Dad a lot now (no surprise, she was trying to get out from under her mom who was basically nice enough - just wanted her to get a job). Dad has the same approach - she can live with us but needs to get a job. She bristles when he brings it up and sometimes straight up yells at hm to stop pressuring her. Our house is like a pressure cooker now.

Anonymous wrote:OP - she moved in. It's going ok. Taking it day by day. No job yet, but she has filled out some applications, so that's a start.

Dang OP...I feel sorry for you. Make sure to set boundaries and don't be bullied in your own home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bio parents do for young adult kids in these situations. My BIL bought his DS, 22 a house where he lives with his 20 year old sister. Closer to sister's college. Nephew is working at a small store, has issues too, learning and parents were also legally separated. His dd is in college and going slowly to intern for some political career. Both bio parents are on board with this arrangement, as BIL can afford it and their kids need help. Nobody has criticized their decision or told them to kick the adult kids to the curb. There is no step parents involved. We are all glad BIL is taking care of his son and daughter, and hope thing will work out after college didn't. They are not immigrants, white Americans for generations. This is a story I see in any families, my dd is here for the weekend from college to get some sleep. My ds in college worked one summer and earned a ton, one summer he was struggling with depression and anxiety(he has been struggling since 4 years old with these, I post on SN forum a lot) and we encouraged him to get treatment and not to work, he trained for his sport(college athlete) and he recovered and is now doing really well as a junior in college. This is what bio parents do, we never give up on our kids. Do we wish things were better, yes, but we help all the time as much as we can. One day, OP, you will do all this for your bio kid, try to be emphatic for your husband and his daughter. Nobody wants their kids to fail, but when they do we pick up the pieces, we always pick up the pieces as long as we live, if we are a normal functioning loving family.

This has nothing to do with the topic. Adult child is living with mom. Mom is not kicking her out. The adult child you are referring to is working and needs support. Different situation.

Not different at all. It isn't like nephew was working the whole time. There was the drugs and not doing anything period of time too. OP's stepdd needs support, OP would not blink and do all this for her kid, she just doesn't get it yet. She is jealous of her dh's dd. It makes her look petty and insecure.

Support to . . . not get a job or go back to school?

No, she doesn't need support. She needs to take steps toward adulthood, which she is trying to *avoid* by switching from Mom's house to Dad's house. That shouldn't be encouraged or enabled.