Anonymous
05/02/2018 16:47
Subject: Re:Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Anonymous wrote:
I guess we'll have to disagree on this. I don't think the birth parent gets to decide on behalf of the adoptee that the adoptee will maintain his/her birth as a secret. The good news is that modern technology being what it is, people should now understand that the person they are placing for adoption might come back later, and add that fact into their decisionmaking.
NP
You are talking about different spheres of information.
And adopted person should not be made to keep their birth a secret. They should not have to keep the fact that they were adopted a secret. But whether a specified, particular woman gave birth to a child is information that belongs to that woman.
I'd argue that similarly, whether a given child was born to a particular family is their information, not the family's. So if it got down to it, for example, if your father was a mass murderer, you should have privacy and control over the fact you -- an identified person -- were born to him. The family shouldn't be able to "out" you if you have chosen not to reveal that information.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 16:31
Subject: Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My cousin found her birth mother and got dragged into a nasty situation. The birth mother was still an addict when she found her, but she didn't know this initially. The mother's boyfriend, also an addict, saw that my cousin had lived a pretty good, privileged life and threatened her. Kind of along the lines of, if you don't give us $$, we'll hurt your family type of threats. She had to get the police involved and both got arrested. Then the birth mother's other kids showed up and started harassing my cousin for having their mom arrested. In person harassing, like showing up at her house, and online as well. All any of them wanted was $$ from her. She even had people contacting her on Facebook with messages like, "hey, I heard you're Larla's daughter. You know she owes me $400 right?" and she was pretty terrified for about a year after she found her birth mother.
She really regrets finding her birth mother now. She has three adopted kids of her own (two open, 1 closed) and she's pretty terrified that the one who was a closed adoption will want to start looking when she turns 18 and will find something kind of along the lines of what she found.
A situation, however awful, but not at all typical. In this case, the adoptee can just easily get a restraining order. Most situations I see, and there are many, are just businesslike and politely cordial.
There may be a generational issue, too. Older adoptions had more to do with unplanned pregnancies, societal norms, etc. Later adoptions have more to do with other issues.
I disagree. How do you know whether that is typical or not? My sister is adopted, always assumed her parents were teenagers when she was born. Well she found them when she grew up, turned out they weren’t teenagers and they were in fact married, had already had several other kids and her father was incarcerated when she was born so they put her up for adoption. And guess what? Both parents have been in and out of prison ever since, dabble in drugs, tried to get money from my sister. Don’t buy the fantasy that all children give up for adoption come from young teen lovers and squeaky clean lives but had the misfortune of getting pregnant young.
Did your sister's situation involve threats, arrests, and her being terrified for a year?
Yes. Happy now?
Anonymous
05/02/2018 16:27
Subject: Re:Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I don't know if this situation has brought my sister peace or more questions. But since I wrote my post, she's found everyone including birth father and it's not a happy story regarding any of them. Surprisingly my sister looks more like my family than any of them.
But this thread has made me anti adoption.
Really? Because your sister had a bad experience, you are now anti-adoption? It’s like saying a woman dies from an abortion and now you’re anti-abortion.
People who are adopted usually have unhappy stories surrounding their existence. That’s why they were placed for adoption. No one is perfectly happy with a perfect life and puts their kid up for adoption. There is a reason why.
I am sorry it has gone badly for your sister. She needs counseling to deal with the aftermath.
Btw, I’m an adoptee and I am in reunion with my birth family, so I speak from experience with the good, the bad, and the ugly.
You’re so missing the point.
A woman losing her life to abortion (which is exceedingly rare, when access to medical abortion is available) is not the norm.
Adopted or not... do you think most people actually have an easy family life? Unhappy surroundings are the standard for a lot of people. Being adopted doesn’t hold the standard on this.
Yes, many people have difficult family and personal lives but adoption ads another layer to it that you are missing.
Until you’re not adopted, and have no more excuses in your life.
Run your life as yours. Seriously.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 16:24
Subject: Re:Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I don't know if this situation has brought my sister peace or more questions. But since I wrote my post, she's found everyone including birth father and it's not a happy story regarding any of them. Surprisingly my sister looks more like my family than any of them.
But this thread has made me anti adoption.
Really? Because your sister had a bad experience, you are now anti-adoption? It’s like saying a woman dies from an abortion and now you’re anti-abortion.
People who are adopted usually have unhappy stories surrounding their existence. That’s why they were placed for adoption. No one is perfectly happy with a perfect life and puts their kid up for adoption. There is a reason why.
I am sorry it has gone badly for your sister. She needs counseling to deal with the aftermath.
Btw, I’m an adoptee and I am in reunion with my birth family, so I speak from experience with the good, the bad, and the ugly.
You’re so missing the point.
A woman losing her life to abortion (which is exceedingly rare, when access to medical abortion is available) is not the norm.
Adopted or not... do you think most people actually have an easy family life? Unhappy surroundings are the standard for a lot of people. Being adopted doesn’t hold the standard on this.
Yes, many people have difficult family and personal lives but adoption ads another layer to it that you are missing.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 16:19
Subject: Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Honestly, with the expansion and popularity of these DNA testing kits, there really is no such thing as a closed adoption anymore.
THAT should scare pro-lifers as it will lead to more abortions, IMO.
THAT should scare pro-lifers as it will lead to more abortions, IMO.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 16:14
Subject: Re:Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I don't know if this situation has brought my sister peace or more questions. But since I wrote my post, she's found everyone including birth father and it's not a happy story regarding any of them. Surprisingly my sister looks more like my family than any of them.
But this thread has made me anti adoption.
Really? Because your sister had a bad experience, you are now anti-adoption? It’s like saying a woman dies from an abortion and now you’re anti-abortion.
People who are adopted usually have unhappy stories surrounding their existence. That’s why they were placed for adoption. No one is perfectly happy with a perfect life and puts their kid up for adoption. There is a reason why.
I am sorry it has gone badly for your sister. She needs counseling to deal with the aftermath.
Btw, I’m an adoptee and I am in reunion with my birth family, so I speak from experience with the good, the bad, and the ugly.
You’re so missing the point.
A woman losing her life to abortion (which is exceedingly rare, when access to medical abortion is available) is not the norm.
Adopted or not... do you think most people actually have an easy family life? Unhappy surroundings are the standard for a lot of people. Being adopted doesn’t hold the standard on this.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 15:51
Subject: Re:Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Who wouldn't be anti-adoption knowing that the rights/privacy of the mother cannot be protected anymore.
Who knows what the next advancement will be in technology, you can already track down who you want via DNA or at least find family.
IF someone wants an open adoption i doubt their minds will change, however, if someone wants a closed one? That is literally nonexistent at this point. Yeah, for a short period of time until the kid can google and swab their own mouth.
Many times adoption is not an easy decision the way it is and the mother usually either struggles her whole life or moves on and builds a new one. Either way, there is likely little chance she wants to be found 18 years later and be 'mom' to someone who she chose not to have in her life to begin with.
i am interested in how adoptive parents feel about all of this. Before the child usually had no avenue to find the birth family so they only had the adoptive one. Now, their child will likely know and be able to find their bio family. What does that do to the adoptive one?
Who knows what the next advancement will be in technology, you can already track down who you want via DNA or at least find family.
IF someone wants an open adoption i doubt their minds will change, however, if someone wants a closed one? That is literally nonexistent at this point. Yeah, for a short period of time until the kid can google and swab their own mouth.
Many times adoption is not an easy decision the way it is and the mother usually either struggles her whole life or moves on and builds a new one. Either way, there is likely little chance she wants to be found 18 years later and be 'mom' to someone who she chose not to have in her life to begin with.
i am interested in how adoptive parents feel about all of this. Before the child usually had no avenue to find the birth family so they only had the adoptive one. Now, their child will likely know and be able to find their bio family. What does that do to the adoptive one?
Anonymous
05/02/2018 15:44
Subject: Re:Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I don't know if this situation has brought my sister peace or more questions. But since I wrote my post, she's found everyone including birth father and it's not a happy story regarding any of them. Surprisingly my sister looks more like my family than any of them.
But this thread has made me anti adoption.
Really? Because your sister had a bad experience, you are now anti-adoption? It’s like saying a woman dies from an abortion and now you’re anti-abortion.
People who are adopted usually have unhappy stories surrounding their existence. That’s why they were placed for adoption. No one is perfectly happy with a perfect life and puts their kid up for adoption. There is a reason why.
I am sorry it has gone badly for your sister. She needs counseling to deal with the aftermath.
Btw, I’m an adoptee and I am in reunion with my birth family, so I speak from experience with the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 14:38
Subject: Re:Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Anonymous wrote:I think there should be some way to contact a neutral 3rd party and they reach out to the other side. if the feeling is mutual and both want to know about the other, then information is shared.
You get into tricky situations that are tricky when extended family is found but maybe not the birth mother or father.
I do feel that men and women have a right for their medical information to remain private and the lats i looked a pregnancy was a medical condition.
While i feel for the children who want to know where they came from, they have to respect that the mother/father chose not to have them in their life for a reason. Maybe financial, medical, situational, whatever.
I don't think anyone has a right to know their biological family. Don't they get some background/medical information from the adoption agency about their biological parents? I know my cousin did (well my aunt/uncle did when they adopted her) they found out the bio mom was addicted to cocain, had diabetes and the dad's family had a history of alcoholism among other things. My cousin knows that medical history but does not know the people themselves (because it was a closed adoption)
That exists in some states. It's called a confidential intermediary.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 14:34
Subject: Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I don't know if this situation has brought my sister peace or more questions. But since I wrote my post, she's found everyone including birth father and it's not a happy story regarding any of them. Surprisingly my sister looks more like my family than any of them.
But this thread has made me anti adoption.
Are you willing to tell us something about the family background and birth circumstances?
I’m not surprised that your sister would look more like you family. If the birth family were of a certain socioeconomic background with its cultural behaviors and your sister grew up much more comfortably off in a happier family life, her having completely different diets, attitudes and body languages will make her appear physically closer to your parents than her birth parents.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 14:15
Subject: Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
OP here.
I don't know if this situation has brought my sister peace or more questions. But since I wrote my post, she's found everyone including birth father and it's not a happy story regarding any of them. Surprisingly my sister looks more like my family than any of them.
But this thread has made me anti adoption.
I don't know if this situation has brought my sister peace or more questions. But since I wrote my post, she's found everyone including birth father and it's not a happy story regarding any of them. Surprisingly my sister looks more like my family than any of them.
But this thread has made me anti adoption.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 14:02
Subject: Re:Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
How shitty to take away yet another basic human right as a woman. First limit her right to contraception, then make abortions all but impossible to get, and advocate "adoption!!!!" but if she chooses that she still has to have her life ripped apart in a few years time.
When does a woman (or man) get to have their choices respected and upheld? A CLOSED adoption is that. CLOSED. DO NOT CONTACT.
When does a woman (or man) get to have their choices respected and upheld? A CLOSED adoption is that. CLOSED. DO NOT CONTACT.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 14:00
Subject: Re:Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
I think there should be some way to contact a neutral 3rd party and they reach out to the other side. if the feeling is mutual and both want to know about the other, then information is shared.
You get into tricky situations that are tricky when extended family is found but maybe not the birth mother or father.
I do feel that men and women have a right for their medical information to remain private and the lats i looked a pregnancy was a medical condition.
While i feel for the children who want to know where they came from, they have to respect that the mother/father chose not to have them in their life for a reason. Maybe financial, medical, situational, whatever.
I don't think anyone has a right to know their biological family. Don't they get some background/medical information from the adoption agency about their biological parents? I know my cousin did (well my aunt/uncle did when they adopted her) they found out the bio mom was addicted to cocain, had diabetes and the dad's family had a history of alcoholism among other things. My cousin knows that medical history but does not know the people themselves (because it was a closed adoption)
You get into tricky situations that are tricky when extended family is found but maybe not the birth mother or father.
I do feel that men and women have a right for their medical information to remain private and the lats i looked a pregnancy was a medical condition.
While i feel for the children who want to know where they came from, they have to respect that the mother/father chose not to have them in their life for a reason. Maybe financial, medical, situational, whatever.
I don't think anyone has a right to know their biological family. Don't they get some background/medical information from the adoption agency about their biological parents? I know my cousin did (well my aunt/uncle did when they adopted her) they found out the bio mom was addicted to cocain, had diabetes and the dad's family had a history of alcoholism among other things. My cousin knows that medical history but does not know the people themselves (because it was a closed adoption)
Anonymous
05/02/2018 13:58
Subject: Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.
Closed adoption.
Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.
I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.
Your sister needs to leave them all alone.
Most were closed. Many were at the behest of the mother's family who were embarrassed. Nope, she is entitled to know everything about her birth, who she is related to, and anything pertinent. She is not entitled to a relationship, though.
Your "misunderstanding" is that she was not a puppy to be sold. She deserves ALL information regardless of archaic laws. You are sorely misunderstood.
So get an order for medical information and leave them alone.
You cannot force someone to share their life story.
I met a woman, an adult adoptee. She insisted on pushing through, finding birth mom and getting her answers. Who is bio dad and why adoption? Who are the rest of my family? Well, bio dad is the S.O.B who kidnapped and raped bio mom. Not long after the adoptee got the answers she felt entitled to, bio mom killed herself. Now the adoptee has no answers. Her half siblings would have nothing to do with her. They knew nothing until she showed up.
Leave people alone when they have no interest. You have no clue what you could be dredging up.
This. Sister has no right to anything beyond that, if she even has that. Comparing adopted to kids to puppies, by the way, is disgusting.
Sure, it does sound disgusting, doesn't it? And yet, that is how children were processed. You got it.
Um, no. That's not what I said. What was the alternative in these situations? Forcing the mother to keep a child she didn't want? Having an abortion? Adopting the baby to a loving family to give him/her a chance at a nice life? That's not processing the child like a puppy, dick.
Let me guess, you're "pro life"?
Not a dick, not pro-life, not a child. I am a very left leaning progressive in favor of choice. I am older than your mother, likely. But if you find right leaning philosophies such as pro -life, difficult, why can't you see the hypocrisy in your own argument? The years of secrets and subjugation are over. What about the #Metoo movement? Why should these men be protected? Are you looking at the whole picture or are you just upset about a secret in your family that you don't want to deal with because you feel threatened about your family narrative?
You would do well to also engage rationally and with clear articulation without the insults, lack of punctuation and grammar, and wholesale denigration based on your one example.
I'd worry about your incomprehensible word salad, rather than my punctuation and grammar.
Anonymous
05/02/2018 13:04
Subject: Closed Adoption and found the birth mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?
Isn’t this a matter of perspective?
Well, they are different rights with different social implications.
A person does not necessarily have the right to have no one find out they gave birth.
Some countries have decided that a person DOES have the right to know their own medical history and relatives.
What do you mean, the right to know their relatives? Knowing is a two-way street. Knowing they exist, OK. But if I don't want to know someone, you can't make me .