Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DC was bulliied in preschool by a non-verbal child (who was aggressive with all of the classmates). Fast forward to K, new school and an awful bullying situation with toxic classroom setting. DC (and classmates) traumatized by the situation. A previously happy child learned to modify own behavior so as to prevent incidents- or get the the bullies kicked out.

Fast forward to another school year- and most of the challenges have been overcome by a thoughtful support plan by the school involving teachers, administrators and outside support. But not perfect- there still can be triggers that cause my DC to react inappropriately.

Do we discuss this with other parents? No. this is for privacy considerations, the same as other families do not discuss their child's concerns and issues with the entire class.

Children report one side of a story- and a finite moment in time. Hear out the school, advocate for your child, and learn what supports are there for you, your child's teacher, and the rest of the class. Don't presume families aren't trying ... we've been on both sides of the equation- and trust me- neither side is fun.

And your DC? Most likely not an angel- as I can tell you how their actions and micro aggressions contribute to the negative consequences.

I'll continue working with my kiddo- hope you will with yours. Have an issue? Take it up with the school, not me.

Hello again PP, responsibility-abdicating mom to a budding sociopath. Get it, you are actually responsible for your kid. Control your kid and get him or her the proper help to stop hurting others. No one has a trumped-up excuse to assault others - NO ONE.

Hmm, I see one poster with signs of being a selfish sociopath ... and it's not the PP with the aggressive child. Sounds like she worked very hard with the school, teachers, and outside therapists on the situation and did exactly the right thing. Again, if it were a simple matter of "controlling" a child, nobody would be here arguing.

PP, you should grovel that you yourself need help and may exhibit signs of being a selfish sociopath. If you got your kiddo the help he needs, there wouldn't be a problem. But you can't realize that because in your abstract world all this is normal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with special needs and my child doesn't create problems for other students. If anything I'm more concerned that my child would be a victim.

Because of my child's vulnerability, I definitely feel the need to know that the family of an aggressive child (SN or not) is on top of the case and reinforcing the message that bullying is wrong.

You personally (not just your child) would owe my child and my family an apology. It's really not enough to expect the school to manage it - they aren't in session 24x7. You have more time with your child than they do.

As a special needs parent, I'd expect you to also know that changing behavior isn't as simply as "reinforcing a message", and also that for the very young ones, it's not actually "bullying" because there's no intent behind it. Go ahead and ask for the apology, but realize that it has to do with YOU feeling better, and not about putting the focus where it needs to be (the school supporting the classroom.)

And that's important, because I'm the one that has to be calm and comfort my child. My child was abused by yours, and you want to walk away and expect the school to do your work for you. It's not like that. I have to comfort my child - which means you owe to society to help make up for the harm your child has caused. If all I feel is anger and fear because of your child and the problem that you unleashed on us, then I can't effectively do both my job and yours - which is trying to make up for your mistake.

Ok, I'll grovel if you really think it makes that much of a difference. But you're really not getting this. These are behaviors caused by immaturity or special needs or a classroom that's not well managed. It's not the parents' "mistake." Not any more than your child's needs are your "mistake." Yes, I agree that it's my responsibility to help my child change his behavior ... but that doesn't happen by apologizing to you. Apologizing to you does actually zero to change my child's behavior. You're looking for justice/vindication, not actually to do anything that helps my child change (or helps/forces the school to provide resources). I get that it's more compelling to make people grovel, though.

Seriously. We work exceptionally hard to make sure DC doesn't interfere with other kids' educational process. However, sometimes it has happened over the years. My concern is helping DC process that properly with the help of the school, make any changes together that need to be made. Often if something happened with another kid, that would be followed by an extra session or 2 beyong the weekly sessions with the therapist, perhaps a trip to the psych to check med levels and discuss, tons of working through the feelings and appropriate reactions at home, not to mention the OT, PT, Speech sessions already being attended. I don't hit my kids and we don't yell, hit, throw things at home. We're not modeling this behavior and DC didn't see it anywhere else.

If you don't blame me for my DC's disabilities, I won't blame YOU for yours. Maybe that 1/2 glass of wine you drank when you didn't know you were pregnant yet made it happen? No? Of course not! We are super fortunate that the impact to other kids was largely minimal and ended years ago as a result of tons of therapy, maturity, getting to a school that understood the problems. Many of the problems stemmed from schools that didn't understand these disabilities and set DC up for failure and other kids taking advantage of my kid to get an entertaining rise out of DC. I never blamed any of the other kids and worked with the school to better follow the IEP and BIP while supporting from every other angle.

Just like you're working with your kiddo we worked and are continuing to work with ours. You cannot begin to imagine a developmental disability that involves your child doing harm to another, just as I cannot imagine my child not reading 3 years early, doing math 5 years ahead, etc. Schools DO NOT understand the ABC's of behavior and how to help support our kiddos who have trouble controlling their emotions. It is H--- on Earth for us parents and I thank goodness every day that DC has largely gotten past that horrible stage of his life.

Never once did I think it was MY fault, though. So no, I'm not going to apologize to you for my DC's disabilities.

^^^ PP, when a kid starts beating on your kid, tell me I don't understand and that it's OK and it's just the school's fault. That kid the aggressor wasn't special needs but evidently had a lot of issues at home. You think everyone grows up in a stable household? When grown-ups commit violent acts, is that not their fault and maybe the police or councilmembers should have been nicer? Yes the school needs to provide a safe and nurturing environment, but parents have responsibility there too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with special needs and my child doesn't create problems for other students. If anything I'm more concerned that my child would be a victim.

Because of my child's vulnerability, I definitely feel the need to know that the family of an aggressive child (SN or not) is on top of the case and reinforcing the message that bullying is wrong.

You personally (not just your child) would owe my child and my family an apology. It's really not enough to expect the school to manage it - they aren't in session 24x7. You have more time with your child than they do.

As a special needs parent, I'd expect you to also know that changing behavior isn't as simply as "reinforcing a message", and also that for the very young ones, it's not actually "bullying" because there's no intent behind it. Go ahead and ask for the apology, but realize that it has to do with YOU feeling better, and not about putting the focus where it needs to be (the school supporting the classroom.)

And that's important, because I'm the one that has to be calm and comfort my child. My child was abused by yours, and you want to walk away and expect the school to do your work for you. It's not like that. I have to comfort my child - which means you owe to society to help make up for the harm your child has caused. If all I feel is anger and fear because of your child and the problem that you unleashed on us, then I can't effectively do both my job and yours - which is trying to make up for your mistake.

Ok, I'll grovel if you really think it makes that much of a difference. But you're really not getting this. These are behaviors caused by immaturity or special needs or a classroom that's not well managed. It's not the parents' "mistake." Not any more than your child's needs are your "mistake." Yes, I agree that it's my responsibility to help my child change his behavior ... but that doesn't happen by apologizing to you. Apologizing to you does actually zero to change my child's behavior. You're looking for justice/vindication, not actually to do anything that helps my child change (or helps/forces the school to provide resources). I get that it's more compelling to make people grovel, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with special needs and my child doesn't create problems for other students. If anything I'm more concerned that my child would be a victim.

Because of my child's vulnerability, I definitely feel the need to know that the family of an aggressive child (SN or not) is on top of the case and reinforcing the message that bullying is wrong.

You personally (not just your child) would owe my child and my family an apology. It's really not enough to expect the school to manage it - they aren't in session 24x7. You have more time with your child than they do.

As a special needs parent, I'd expect you to also know that changing behavior isn't as simply as "reinforcing a message", and also that for the very young ones, it's not actually "bullying" because there's no intent behind it. Go ahead and ask for the apology, but realize that it has to do with YOU feeling better, and not about putting the focus where it needs to be (the school supporting the classroom.)

And that's important, because I'm the one that has to be calm and comfort my child. My child was abused by yours, and you want to walk away and expect the school to do your work for you. It's not like that. I have to comfort my child - which means you owe to society to help make up for the harm your child has caused. If all I feel is anger and fear because of your child and the problem that you unleashed on us, then I can't effectively do both my job and yours - which is trying to make up for your mistake.

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with special needs and my child doesn't create problems for other students. If anything I'm more concerned that my child would be a victim.

Because of my child's vulnerability, I definitely feel the need to know that the family of an aggressive child (SN or not) is on top of the case and reinforcing the message that bullying is wrong.

You personally (not just your child) would owe my child and my family an apology. It's really not enough to expect the school to manage it - they aren't in session 24x7. You have more time with your child than they do.

As a special needs parent, I'd expect you to also know that changing behavior isn't as simply as "reinforcing a message", and also that for the very young ones, it's not actually "bullying" because there's no intent behind it. Go ahead and ask for the apology, but realize that it has to do with YOU feeling better, and not about putting the focus where it needs to be (the school supporting the classroom.)

I have a child with special needs and my child doesn't create problems for other students. If anything I'm more concerned that my child would be a victim.

Because of my child's vulnerability, I definitely feel the need to know that the family of an aggressive child (SN or not) is on top of the case and reinforcing the message that bullying is wrong.

You personally (not just your child) would owe my child and my family an apology. It's really not enough to expect the school to manage it - they aren't in session 24x7. You have more time with your child than they do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DC was bulliied in preschool by a non-verbal child (who was aggressive with all of the classmates). Fast forward to K, new school and an awful bullying situation with toxic classroom setting. DC (and classmates) traumatized by the situation. A previously happy child learned to modify own behavior so as to prevent incidents- or get the the bullies kicked out.

Fast forward to another school year- and most of the challenges have been overcome by a thoughtful support plan by the school involving teachers, administrators and outside support. But not perfect- there still can be triggers that cause my DC to react inappropriately.

Do we discuss this with other parents? No. this is for privacy considerations, the same as other families do not discuss their child's concerns and issues with the entire class.

Children report one side of a story- and a finite moment in time. Hear out the school, advocate for your child, and learn what supports are there for you, your child's teacher, and the rest of the class. Don't presume families aren't trying ... we've been on both sides of the equation- and trust me- neither side is fun.

And your DC? Most likely not an angel- as I can tell you how their actions and micro aggressions contribute to the negative consequences.

I'll continue working with my kiddo- hope you will with yours. Have an issue? Take it up with the school, not me.

Hello again PP, responsibility-abdicating mom to a budding sociopath. Get it, you are actually responsible for your kid. Control your kid and get him or her the proper help to stop hurting others. No one has a trumped-up excuse to assault others - NO ONE.

Hmm, I see one poster with signs of being a selfish sociopath ... and it's not the PP with the aggressive child. Sounds like she worked very hard with the school, teachers, and outside therapists on the situation and did exactly the right thing. Again, if it were a simple matter of "controlling" a child, nobody would be here arguing.

Anonymous wrote:For those who have Netflix (isn't that everyone?) there's a gripping film titled "We Need to Talk About Kevin."



As the parent of a child with SN, I was afraid to watch it. My fear was that bullying behavior beyond a child's control would feature prominently. I was wrong. The fearless Tilda Swinton went where few people could to explore the distance and separation between a dangerous child and the parent's culpability. At what point do you stop ignoring the warning signs? What can you tolerate? What is the cost?

Wow, talk about an over-reaction and complete misunderstanding of the actual situation. Parents of special needs kids (or other kids) who are acting out in preschool/K generally work very hard to address the issue. The point here is that the other parents in the class have very little to gain by focusing on the need for an apology by the parents. Because in most cases, the parents are working very hard to remedy the situation. The people you should focus on are the SCHOOL, because they are the ones that control resources that can help the situation. The parent of the aggressive child simply cannot fix the situation without a lot of support from the school. Likely, they have some degree of anxiety, ASD, language delay, or ADHD, that makes them more reactive to the school setting and less able to control their impulses. They are not sociopaths or murderers! They are kids with DISABILITIES who need support. And for the very young kids in preschool (the new 3s) it's actually developmentally normal to still engage in some physical aggression (which research shows peaks between 2-3, then tapers off). If the teacher does not have appropriate strategies to deal with this normal phase of child development, then it can turn into a situation where the behavior gets worse and not better. (Note - by "normal" I don't mean "good." I just mean that it's to be expected in some cases and not related to a disability, and teachers should have strategies to deal with it short of requiring a full-on IEP.)

If after all of this you're still focused on the parent's "culpability" then you're missing a huge piece of the picture of actually solving the problem. Believe me, if parental guilt and culpability alone could solve these issues, there would be no issue. You wouldn't believe the guilt and culpability I felt in this situation. But I get it, easier and feels better to just be blaming and superior than actually think about the totality of the situation.

For those who have Netflix (isn't that everyone?) there's a gripping film titled "We Need to Talk About Kevin."



As the parent of a child with SN, I was afraid to watch it. My fear was that bullying behavior beyond a child's control would feature prominently. I was wrong. The fearless Tilda Swinton went where few people could to explore the distance and separation between a dangerous child and the parent's culpability. At what point do you stop ignoring the warning signs? What can you tolerate? What is the cost?

Anonymous wrote:My DC was bulliied in preschool by a non-verbal child (who was aggressive with all of the classmates). Fast forward to K, new school and an awful bullying situation with toxic classroom setting. DC (and classmates) traumatized by the situation. A previously happy child learned to modify own behavior so as to prevent incidents- or get the the bullies kicked out.

Fast forward to another school year- and most of the challenges have been overcome by a thoughtful support plan by the school involving teachers, administrators and outside support. But not perfect- there still can be triggers that cause my DC to react inappropriately.

Do we discuss this with other parents? No. this is for privacy considerations, the same as other families do not discuss their child's concerns and issues with the entire class.

Children report one side of a story- and a finite moment in time. Hear out the school, advocate for your child, and learn what supports are there for you, your child's teacher, and the rest of the class. Don't presume families aren't trying ... we've been on both sides of the equation- and trust me- neither side is fun.

And your DC? Most likely not an angel- as I can tell you how their actions and micro aggressions contribute to the negative consequences.

I'll continue working with my kiddo- hope you will with yours. Have an issue? Take it up with the school, not me.

Hello again PP, responsibility-abdicating mom to a budding sociopath. Get it, you are actually responsible for your kid. Control your kid and get him or her the proper help to stop hurting others. No one has a trumped-up excuse to assault others - NO ONE.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if there is a correlation between a rise in aggression in DCPS classrooms and DCPS's push to decrease paying for private placements. Many of the private schools are for emotional/behavioral challenges and those students are by far the most expensive to educate b/c they need such a low teacher/student ratio for safety reasons.

Not sure there is a rise in aggression. Pretty sure there is a rise in parents who were raised in wealthy, mostly suburban school districts trying out DCPS and being surprised about the experiences and needs of some of their kids' classmates.

Is this the soft bigotry of low expectations? Or do you honestly believe that parents from wealthy, mostly suburban school districts are the only ones with an expectation of good behavior and urban parents can't do any better?

Too bad the kids are too young to covertly film on their cell phones. Bullies are everywhere, just look at United Airlines. Without hard evidence people try to get away with anything.

My DC was bulliied in preschool by a non-verbal child (who was aggressive with all of the classmates). Fast forward to K, new school and an awful bullying situation with toxic classroom setting. DC (and classmates) traumatized by the situation. A previously happy child learned to modify own behavior so as to prevent incidents- or get the the bullies kicked out.

Fast forward to another school year- and most of the challenges have been overcome by a thoughtful support plan by the school involving teachers, administrators and outside support. But not perfect- there still can be triggers that cause my DC to react inappropriately.

Do we discuss this with other parents? No. this is for privacy considerations, the same as other families do not discuss their child's concerns and issues with the entire class.

Children report one side of a story- and a finite moment in time. Hear out the school, advocate for your child, and learn what supports are there for you, your child's teacher, and the rest of the class. Don't presume families aren't trying ... we've been on both sides of the equation- and trust me- neither side is fun.

And your DC? Most likely not an angel- as I can tell you how their actions and micro aggressions contribute to the negative consequences.

I'll continue working with my kiddo- hope you will with yours. Have an issue? Take it up with the school, not me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The exact same thing happened to my daughter at a Cap Hill School. The principal has an incentive to brush things under the rug, as they are judged on rubrics that include school environment and safety. This makes bad leaders deny, instead of reply. In our case, the classroom teacher was told that she was not allowed to speak to parents. The teacher ended up quitting. We had to sue DCPS to get our daughter transferred to another school. We ended up moving our daughter to Ludlow Taylor, which was just fine. Pull your kid now, before they develop a bad attitude about school in general. Go above the teacher's head. Tell your council member. You can sue in superior court if need be, it got us some satisfaction and did not cost much.

Glad you got a good resolution. You should know that teachers and principals can't talk to you about individual students because their privacy is protected under FERPA. They CAN tell you about incidents involving your child. They can also tell you more generally about supports in the classroom. I can say, based on my experience of this (from the other side) that if the principal and teacher do not IMMEDIATELY put into place some evidence-based, supportive measures (which they ought to be able to tell you about, because they will involve full-classroom management, and not the individual student) then things are likely not going to change. OTOH if a parent is not able to deal at all with a few conflicts along the way with other kids (especially in PK), then public school may not be the right choice.

Wow, no one here is talking about a few mere conflicts. We're talking about serious abuse.

Yes, the incidents here sounds serious. But there's a range of stuff that happens, from developmentally appropriate (if not desirable) fights among 3 year olds, to the actual bullying described by OP.