Anonymous wrote:I just need to vent. My parents divorced right before retiring two years ago.

My mother is healthy, happy, has a nice boyfriend she is enjoying traveling with all over. My father sort of fell apart healthwise and has no friends or relatives (all dead beside his children).

I've tried to explain to my mother how difficult it has been for us. We both have jobs and small children and live a few hours away from our dad. But it's sort of like this awkward thing she refuses to acknowledge is happening. I am pissed because my father's health has gone sideways and my sister and I are stuck trying to care for him, which I know is awful, but there is a small part of me who thinks [b]couldn't you have just finished this gig, ma?[b]

Here's an example. My sister cannot take off to help my father recuperate from surgery. So, I take a few days and help get him settled in a rehab center. In the midst of this, my husband has a work crisis that forces him to travel. We were able to get my mother in law to come down to help with our kids, but logistically, it was stressful. During this whole time, my mother knows what is going on and basically ignores every mention of my father and the logistical mess we were in. Like changes the subject to her next cruise with her boyfriend, which is nice and I'm happy for, but the complete absence of empathy or anything helpful is making me resentful.

I don't know what to think. Venting has helped though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

But does that mean the mother can completely check out on her daughters while they handle things and expect them to treat the mom like nothing is going on? That's what so crazy about the situation. I think it's telling when people say divorce doesn't impact your kids or they are happier. This is one example of why it sucks to have divorced parents, particularly when one parent takes the position you just posted.

Anyway, the father is dead, so I don't know what the mother can do to right things. She basically killed her relationship with her kids because she couldn't handle her ex dying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

While she is not being as "kind" as your neighbor, your neighbor does not have the risk of reaaally helping out. Whereas your mom is in denial because she is at risk of getting involved. Sure she is selfish, but remember your own kids when you are sick and they STILL want you to care for them hand and foot or take them somewhere fun? You are acting like that kid. As a caregiver to your kids yourself, how do you not get it that she wants to, and is entitled to act as she's doing? Plus jeez, you're saying it's terminal, matter of months. Hang in there for a few months, jeez. Has your mom not sacrificed years and years parenting you? Do you really have a child or did you just enter parenthood. After I became a mom and realized the innate sacrifices a mom goes through just to be an ok mom and keep a kid alive and happy, I got deeper appreciation for my mom. Like another PP said, based on your entitled attitude, I think your mom must have provided you with anything and everything. I am not being kind to you, but put yourself in her shoes!!!!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad died a few days after Christmas. It was incredibly difficult, he was very, very sick and out of it (morphine), but I do have a sense of peace for him. His body is gone, but I can still feel him with me at times.

We've gone through the difficult stuff. Funeral. Cleaning out the house, selling his home (which just went under contract) and explaining things to the kids who are old enough to realize what's happened. My husband has been a rock during the ordeal, but I can see the toll on myself and my sister. I swear we've aged ten years in one and I've lost so much weight that I've begun drinking ensure (eating has been difficult). My dad was the youngest one of his side of the family, the last living of that generation, so it's weird for me and my sister to be it for that side of the family. It's all surreal.

My mother was unhelpful during this whole thing. After realizing that the man wouldn't likely see New Year's, she opted to take a cruise during Christmas with friends and went to South America. To give us our space in her words. I didn't need space. I needed my mother, but that's a whole another story.

I don't know where the future will go with us, me and her. She skipped the funeral and hasn't done anything, but simply say sorry for your loss when I informed her he passed. I'm angry, but I cannot tease out whether it's the loss of my father or the abandonment of my mother during the difficult times that is fueling it.

She wrote me a very, very long email about her desire to visit, to see the Cherry Blossoms and to do various things around DC. She's begun calling and leaving long messages in a sing-songy voice. She's pretending everything's fine. It's not. I haven't responded, but that's mostly because I don't know what to say...

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry for your loss.

Your mom sounds like she is losing it. She may be having a hard time coming to grips with her own aging and mortality. Facing your dad's passing may be just too much for her. So she is ignoring it--not attending the funeral, going on the trip, acting like everything is normal....Death is the Big Test.

And it's not just death, additionally she may be very conflicted about the divorce, her relationship with your dad, how everything ended--it may just be overwhelming emotionally and she is just not equipped to handle it.

I can understand why it's so disappointing. Talking with a therapist sounds like a really good idea. The thing to remember is our parents are human. It's sad when we see their weaknesses and blind spots.

I don't think you have to join your mom in la-la land and pretend along with her, but it would be a shame if you lost your whole relationship with her. I think a therapist can help you understand how to be honest and maintain your sense of yourself while interacting with your mother.