Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I'm the OP of the "Adult Failure to Launch DD Stealing from Me" thread. My daughter (now 24) graduated from a liberal arts college full of entitled students (think Oberlin/Wesleyan-type school) with a BA in English when we encouraged her to major in something more lucrative. So now, of course, she's unemployed and blaming us for all of her problems, both with mental health and with being unemployed. She doesn't live with us, thankfully -- she lives in a medium COL city in a different part of the country with a college friend.

She wouldn't visit us over the holidays because she's convinced that DH and I were "controlling her financially all throughout college by making college funding contingent on me attending church when I don't believe in God" and that we "only know how to control her financially and don't have any real relationship with your only daughter except for one that consists of financial control" and that we've "ruined her with generational trauma" and all this ridiculous psychobabble that she unfortunately has picked up from her therapist (who is convinced, wrongly, that we're the root of all of her problems, but I digress).

Keep in mind that my daughter is extremely unlikable, entitled, and irritating. She's never been in a relationship in her life, because she has an EXTREMELY unlikeable personality and is borderline overweight (she's 5'6' and 155 lbs, which is unhealthy at her age). She's been unemployed and "searching for a job" since she graduated from college in May.

I emphasized to her that maybe 9 months of "searching for a job" has shown that her strategy has been ineffective, and she needs to go back to school for a more lucrative degree than her BA in English if she wants a chance of getting a normal office job. But she REFUSES, because she's entitled, delusional, and extremely narcissistic.

And she keeps begging me and DH for money (we refuse) or to help her financially to buy a used car (we also refuse).

Has anyone else dealt with this? TIA!

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I'm the OP of the "Adult Failure to Launch DD Stealing from Me" thread. My daughter (now 24) graduated from a liberal arts college full of entitled students (think Oberlin/Wesleyan-type school) with a BA in English when we encouraged her to major in something more lucrative. So now, of course, she's unemployed and blaming us for all of her problems, both with mental health and with being unemployed. She doesn't live with us, thankfully -- she lives in a medium COL city in a different part of the country with a college friend.

She wouldn't visit us over the holidays because she's convinced that DH and I were "controlling her financially all throughout college by making college funding contingent on me attending church when I don't believe in God" and that we "only know how to control her financially and don't have any real relationship with your only daughter except for one that consists of financial control" and that we've "ruined her with generational trauma" and all this ridiculous psychobabble that she unfortunately has picked up from her therapist (who is convinced, wrongly, that we're the root of all of her problems, but I digress).

Keep in mind that my daughter is extremely unlikable, entitled, and irritating. She's never been in a relationship in her life, because she has an EXTREMELY unlikeable personality and is borderline overweight (she's 5'6' and 155 lbs, which is unhealthy at her age). She's been unemployed and "searching for a job" since she graduated from college in May.

I emphasized to her that maybe 9 months of "searching for a job" has shown that her strategy has been ineffective, and she needs to go back to school for a more lucrative degree than her BA in English if she wants a chance of getting a normal office job. But she REFUSES, because she's entitled, delusional, and extremely narcissistic.

And she keeps begging me and DH for money (we refuse) or to help her financially to buy a used car (we also refuse).

Has anyone else dealt with this? TIA!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that you clearly don’t like her. I feel bad for her. She needs to free herself from you to get it together.

And if you actually forced her to attend church as an adult, in order to receive college tuition…that was 1,000% wrong.

NP

I know manners of parents “bribing” their teens to do things that are positive and good for the teen.

Most teens don’t know what’s good for them, especially when they view the easiest and best option to stay home on a screen.

Me too.
$5 a date
$2 a rebound
Alo sweatshirt for A in algebra
College funding for going to church
New sneakers for doing chores consistently

With the exception of the last one, which is essentially an allowance, this is all just horrible parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

She should not have stolen from you, but she sounds desperate. I mean, she's buying necessities not frivolous items.

Who tells their own DD they are totally pathetic? I feel for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that you clearly don’t like her. I feel bad for her. She needs to free herself from you to get it together.

And if you actually forced her to attend church as an adult, in order to receive college tuition…that was 1,000% wrong.

NP

I know manners of parents “bribing” their teens to do things that are positive and good for the teen.

Most teens don’t know what’s good for them, especially when they view the easiest and best option to stay home on a screen.

Me too.
$5 a date
$2 a rebound
Alo sweatshirt for A in algebra
College funding for going to church
New sneakers for doing chores consistently

You know parents who pay their children to go out on dates? What?

Yes, shy needy girl was told she’d get $5 a pop for going on a date in HS. To work on socialization skills. She didn’t go on any and didn’t date in high school. So that was the end of that.

You didn’t realize how stupid that idea was before you tried it? And you blame her?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, we do NOT give DD money. No way. She is on our health insurance, so her therapist bills our health insurance for their sessions. I don't like this since it means that DH and I are basically funding her to insult me to a third party.

However, we found out over the weekend that DD was able to hack into my Amazon prime account on Sunday (She guessed my password because it's a combination of her and DS's names and my favorite animal -- I changed the password as soon as I found out, obviously). DD had the AUDACITY to spend $50 of MY hard-won paycheck to buy toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and toilet paper because she can't afford to buy these things with her own salary.

I told her upfront today that I do NOT respect her as a person and view her as TOTALLY PATHETIC because she can't even find a job that pays her enough to buy basic needs like shampoo, which even a high school drop out is able to do.

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I'm the OP of the "Adult Failure to Launch DD Stealing from Me" thread. My daughter (now 24) graduated from a liberal arts college full of entitled students (think Oberlin/Wesleyan-type school) with a BA in English when we encouraged her to major in something more lucrative. So now, of course, she's unemployed and blaming us for all of her problems, both with mental health and with being unemployed. She doesn't live with us, thankfully -- she lives in a medium COL city in a different part of the country with a college friend.

She wouldn't visit us over the holidays because she's convinced that DH and I were "controlling her financially all throughout college by making college funding contingent on me attending church when I don't believe in God" and that we "only know how to control her financially and don't have any real relationship with your only daughter except for one that consists of financial control" and that we've "ruined her with generational trauma" and all this ridiculous psychobabble that she unfortunately has picked up from her therapist (who is convinced, wrongly, that we're the root of all of her problems, but I digress).

Keep in mind that my daughter is extremely unlikable, entitled, and irritating. She's never been in a relationship in her life, because she has an EXTREMELY unlikeable personality and is borderline overweight (she's 5'6' and 155 lbs, which is unhealthy at her age). She's been unemployed and "searching for a job" since she graduated from college in May.

I emphasized to her that maybe 9 months of "searching for a job" has shown that her strategy has been ineffective, and she needs to go back to school for a more lucrative degree than her BA in English if she wants a chance of getting a normal office job. But she REFUSES, because she's entitled, delusional, and extremely narcissistic.

And she keeps begging me and DH for money (we refuse) or to help her financially to buy a used car (we also refuse).

Has anyone else dealt with this? TIA!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that you clearly don’t like her. I feel bad for her. She needs to free herself from you to get it together.

And if you actually forced her to attend church as an adult, in order to receive college tuition…that was 1,000% wrong.

NP

I know manners of parents “bribing” their teens to do things that are positive and good for the teen.

Most teens don’t know what’s good for them, especially when they view the easiest and best option to stay home on a screen.

Me too.
$5 a date
$2 a rebound
Alo sweatshirt for A in algebra
College funding for going to church
New sneakers for doing chores consistently

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that you clearly don’t like her. I feel bad for her. She needs to free herself from you to get it together.

And if you actually forced her to attend church as an adult, in order to receive college tuition…that was 1,000% wrong.

NP

I know manners of parents “bribing” their teens to do things that are positive and good for the teen.

Most teens don’t know what’s good for them, especially when they view the easiest and best option to stay home on a screen.

Me too.
$5 a date
$2 a rebound
Alo sweatshirt for A in algebra
College funding for going to church
New sneakers for doing chores consistently

You know parents who pay their children to go out on dates? What?

Yes, shy needy girl was told she’d get $5 a pop for going on a date in HS. To work on socialization skills. She didn’t go on any and didn’t date in high school. So that was the end of that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that you clearly don’t like her. I feel bad for her. She needs to free herself from you to get it together.

And if you actually forced her to attend church as an adult, in order to receive college tuition…that was 1,000% wrong.

NP

I know manners of parents “bribing” their teens to do things that are positive and good for the teen.

Most teens don’t know what’s good for them, especially when they view the easiest and best option to stay home on a screen.

Me too.
$5 a date
$2 a rebound
Alo sweatshirt for A in algebra
College funding for going to church
New sneakers for doing chores consistently

You know parents who pay their children to go out on dates? What?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that you clearly don’t like her. I feel bad for her. She needs to free herself from you to get it together.

And if you actually forced her to attend church as an adult, in order to receive college tuition…that was 1,000% wrong.

NP

I know manners of parents “bribing” their teens to do things that are positive and good for the teen.

Most teens don’t know what’s good for them, especially when they view the easiest and best option to stay home on a screen.

Me too.
$5 a date
$2 a rebound
Alo sweatshirt for A in algebra
College funding for going to church
New sneakers for doing chores consistently

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance.

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to (this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church.

Yikes. You reveal a lot about yourself in those two sentences.

The fact that you view watching your kid's activity a waste of time I'd disgusting but the bigger concern in every single one of your posts is the idea that you keep saying you're doing things for her own good- as though you always know best and she's doesn't know ( because she's clearly so pathetic) what is good for her. If we were talking about making a kid get vaccinated despite not liking needles, sure, but all your examples are just you sharing how you think your way is best ( tech jobs, specific schools, specific activities, specific foods, church, etc) and that you hold the fact that you paid for her childhood ( um don't all parents expenses unless they cant afford to?) Over her any time she objected to your preferences. I get why the therapist would want you to validate her perspective. And as someone who has led dbt groups- the goal isn't to validate the invalid- but to find the kernel of truth you do understand and let them know you get it. " yea I know team sports are hard for you and you didn't like going- I get that you're frustrated we didnt make it optional" - you don't need to agree with someone to validate. I can validate someone's fear of vomit without agreeing that vomit it scary. If you still want a relationship with your daughter I do think trying to find the kernel of truth in her perspective would go a long long way

THIS is why I hate therapists. More BS about how we, as HER PARENTS, are not the ones who know best for her.

Since you've led DBT groups, I'm assuming you're familiar with how immature and entitled people with BPD can be. Yes, we cannot let DD assume normal age-appropriate decisions because she's done NOTHING but shown us again, and again, year after year, DBT group after DBT group (Yes! You people are ineffective!), that she CANNOT handle adult responsibilities.

So yes, we are going to dictate her adult life for her. Because she lacks the maturity and executive functioning skills to really succeed at anything of her own volition (including her insane, delusional, navel-gazing "poetry" that everyone in our family rolls their eyes at).

Munchausen syndrome by proxy

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Factitious_disorder_imposed_on_another

Leave your kid alone OP. You sound like an overbearing and pathetic parent with the way you’ve described things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s sad that you clearly don’t like her. I feel bad for her. She needs to free herself from you to get it together.

And if you actually forced her to attend church as an adult, in order to receive college tuition…that was 1,000% wrong.

NP

I know manners of parents “bribing” their teens to do things that are positive and good for the teen.

Most teens don’t know what’s good for them, especially when they view the easiest and best option to stay home on a screen.