Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

Bro, this is everyone who stayed married longer than 5 years. What did you think was going to happen?

If you grew up somewhere more "comfortable" and "fun", your dad was just taking his licks and running interference for the kids' sake. A saint, in other words.

What? My house growing up was comfortable and fun and our house now is as well. I don't nag my husband because we both participate and can have conversations about what needs to be done and then we divide and conquer. We discussed what kind of a life we wanted to have before we got married and then we executed it. Together.

When we were dating we saw each other's houses - we knew how the other one lived. Obviously kids compound the problem but neither of us has been shocked about how the other one lives. My husband knows I'm more Type A than he is, so I've relaxed some of my standards and he's upped some of his. I know my husband is better at researching options for things, so he takes on the brunt of that work. He knows I'm better at keeping the calendar organized, so I do that (but we obviously both follow it). In other words, we figured out who we both were, what we both wanted, if we could achieve it, and then we did. So yeah, our house is comfortable and fun (which I feel like I can say with confidence knowing that our kids and their friends describe it exactly that way), due to BOTH of us.

The bolded is the key, IMO.

I see SO MANY women on this board who think that their (usually higher) standards are absolutely non-negotiable.

I’m sure there are men who do nothing, but there are a LOT of extremely rigid, controlling women in these dysfunctional marriages, too.

"And they weren't like this when you were dating? When you stayed over at their place they didn't freak out about you leaving your toothbrush sitting on the side of the sink?"

No, he was not like this when we were dating. Yes, he didn't freak about [insert items x, y, and z.] In all seriousness, thank you for letting me let this out here. Thoughts appreciated.

Anonymous wrote:He quits you you quit him. Don't do any of this fawning crap.

Agree.

Don’t prop up or accommodate dysfunction, cut them out.

Anonymous wrote:I thought the “quiet quitting” trend was during Covid.

It seeded during Covid and seems to be in the blooming stage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

This is brilliant, by the way. We had this growing up because both my parents worked pretty intense jobs that required travel so we had a lot of help so that they didn't spend time on things like laundry or mowing the lawn and instead we spent a lot of time as a family. My husband and I have a scaled-down version of this now, not because one of us is a slacker, but because we're both busy and we prioritize spending our time with our kids and the family and this lets us do that by focusing only on work while they're at school.

Anonymous wrote:The "bro" is a woman, just to be clear. It's everything: how cleaning/organizing is done, etc., etc. Feels their way or the highway for some subjective things. Tried to communicate.

And they weren't like this when you were dating? When you stayed over at their place they didn't freak out about you leaving your toothbrush sitting on the side of the sink?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

Bro, this is everyone who stayed married longer than 5 years. What did you think was going to happen?

If you grew up somewhere more "comfortable" and "fun", your dad was just taking his licks and running interference for the kids' sake. A saint, in other words.

What? My house growing up was comfortable and fun and our house now is as well. I don't nag my husband because we both participate and can have conversations about what needs to be done and then we divide and conquer. We discussed what kind of a life we wanted to have before we got married and then we executed it. Together.

When we were dating we saw each other's houses - we knew how the other one lived. Obviously kids compound the problem but neither of us has been shocked about how the other one lives. My husband knows I'm more Type A than he is, so I've relaxed some of my standards and he's upped some of his. I know my husband is better at researching options for things, so he takes on the brunt of that work. He knows I'm better at keeping the calendar organized, so I do that (but we obviously both follow it). In other words, we figured out who we both were, what we both wanted, if we could achieve it, and then we did. So yeah, our house is comfortable and fun (which I feel like I can say with confidence knowing that our kids and their friends describe it exactly that way), due to BOTH of us.

Anonymous wrote:I think a calendar that allocates household and parenting responsibilities on a predictable basis, with the mutual understanding that you can't schedule anything when you are responsible for the kids without asking your spouse or co-parent to cover for you, would go a long way. Like, he has Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday nights and Monday and Wednesday mornings, and if he wants to plan a coffee meeting, a work conference, or go to a Capitals game, he asks his wife well in advance if she can cover for him or a trade, and if she can't accomodate a trade, he finds a babysitter, with a limit on how much babysitting time they think is okay for their family. If someone is being taken advantage of, then you put a system in place to address it. Basically, they need a parenting agreement within the marriage to stop the conflict on this issue.

I'm not OP and this is how our schedule works (although not rigidly with a calendar, we just anticipate that we'll trade off days and then discuss what each week looks like), but I get the feeling that OP and others are married to men who would just...not read your calendar and just not care.

He quits you you quit him. Don't do any of this fawning crap.

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent.

At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore.

I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family.

I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids?

I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Sounds good. He definitely already opted out of adulting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love all the people in this thread acting like what they are doing is radical, and then describing a spouse who has already quiet quit. My guess is that a lot of these posters gave up on being fun and attractive, probably earned less, took less good care of themselves, and then the husbands quiet quit. And they don't see the irony. Might as well just get divorced.

Most lucid analysis so far.

+1000000 their dh already quiet quit

OP. This is exactly right. I missed the obvious. He quit a long time ago.

He quit family life. Which includes the kids spouse, home responsibilities.
Perhaps he never did any of that. You didn’t notice until there was more. Plus maybe he’s a net negative in the house - slob, rude, careless, breaking things, lies or hides things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

There's no such thing as a nag. There's only men who refuse to listen the first 30x.

There are nags. I know some, and I am a woman who generally agrees that the majority of men can do much better. However, there are nags, and interestingly enough, the nags tend to have better husbands. Looks like nagging only works when it's excessively. Looks like most men will do a certain percentage of things you remind them to do. Let's say 40%. If you ask for 1 thing, they will attempt it. If you ask for 100, they will do 40. If you ask for 10, they will do 4. So women who spend all day asking get more stuff done.

There is a t-shirt at one of those tacky beach shops that makes me laugh. It says something like, "When I say I'm going to do something, you don't need to remind me every 6 months."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love all the people in this thread acting like what they are doing is radical, and then describing a spouse who has already quiet quit. My guess is that a lot of these posters gave up on being fun and attractive, probably earned less, took less good care of themselves, and then the husbands quiet quit. And they don't see the irony. Might as well just get divorced.

Most lucid analysis so far.

+1000000 their dh already quiet quit

OP. This is exactly right. I missed the obvious. He quit a long time ago.

My uninvolved work addict, screen addict husband hit the wall and ignored us all after kid 2.

Then we all ignored him back, he flailed around a couple times a week when he tried to do something, then eventually accused everyone of not supporting him and left.

At least by then the kids were in middle school and could tak better care of themselves and call a spade a spade. He takes them to dinner occasionally and a summer vacation. Continues to buy them whatever they whine for.

Otherwise he’s too busy & important with work, per him.

Once age 14 the kids can choose where to live here.

Anonymous wrote:Been there doing that. He hasn't noticed yet

It took six months for my husband to notice.