Anonymous
02/20/2026 21:02
Subject: Re:DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Why would she?
Anonymous
02/19/2026 15:04
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:Just to provide some financial realities. My father had 24/7 in home help managed by an elder care manager and paid $24K a month.
My MIL lived in a very expensive assisted living facility selected by my BIL. We questioned that decision. He said he would pay for it if/when my MIL ran out of funds. After 10 years he asked us to chip in. He told us that if we could not share the cost, he would move my MIL to a less expensive facility which seemed cruel to do to a 90 year old women. So we chipped in and over the next 6-7 years we ended up contributing over $250K. Stupid BIL should have listened to us when we questioned his choice originally.
We held the line after $100k and got ostracized from the family for it. You can't win with these pushy enmeshed older siblings.
Anonymous
02/19/2026 15:01
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.
It doesn’t sound like your wife loves you as much as you love her if she can’t respect your family.
Sounds like his wife has healthy boundaries and knows her limits. My mother allowed her senile MIL to move in with us (four young kids, husband and a dog) when we were overseas and it almost killed her and she had to give him an ultimatum that either his mother went or she did. He moved his mom back to the states and put her in a nursing home. My mom resented him until the day she died for putting her through it.
Anonymous
02/19/2026 14:39
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.
Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?
It's exhausting.
OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.
You had kids to wipe your butt when you got old?
I didn't have kids. Made plans.
Genuinely curious. How will you be protected if you get dementia?
DP, but I promise to make sure I’m dead before that happens.
You could fall and hit your head going to the bathroom. Happened to my sharp, fit MIL. Instant dementia.
Anonymous
02/18/2026 19:44
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.
It doesn’t sound like your wife loves you as much as you love her if she can’t respect your family.
Anonymous
02/17/2026 19:35
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.
Then respect her desires and don’t move your mother in.
Anonymous
02/16/2026 19:40
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.
Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?
It's exhausting.
OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.
You had kids to wipe your butt when you got old?
I didn't have kids. Made plans.
Genuinely curious. How will you be protected if you get dementia?
Enough dementia and I won't care. Better than chaining a kid to my butt.
Same.
Anonymous
02/14/2026 22:26
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Just to provide some financial realities. My father had 24/7 in home help managed by an elder care manager and paid $24K a month.
My MIL lived in a very expensive assisted living facility selected by my BIL. We questioned that decision. He said he would pay for it if/when my MIL ran out of funds. After 10 years he asked us to chip in. He told us that if we could not share the cost, he would move my MIL to a less expensive facility which seemed cruel to do to a 90 year old women. So we chipped in and over the next 6-7 years we ended up contributing over $250K. Stupid BIL should have listened to us when we questioned his choice originally.
My MIL lived in a very expensive assisted living facility selected by my BIL. We questioned that decision. He said he would pay for it if/when my MIL ran out of funds. After 10 years he asked us to chip in. He told us that if we could not share the cost, he would move my MIL to a less expensive facility which seemed cruel to do to a 90 year old women. So we chipped in and over the next 6-7 years we ended up contributing over $250K. Stupid BIL should have listened to us when we questioned his choice originally.
Anonymous
02/14/2026 20:54
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:It's like I tell my my children when they ask if we can have another baby, or get a dog. I say, adding new family members to our home is something that Dad and I both need to agree on. If we BOTH think the answer should be yes, after we discuss it privately, then and only then it's a yes. If either one of us has any hesitations, or if either one of us thinks the answer should be a no, or even a maybe- then the answer is no!
Your wife said no, so, it's a no!
This.
Anonymous
02/14/2026 20:18
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
It's like I tell my my children when they ask if we can have another baby, or get a dog. I say, adding new family members to our home is something that Dad and I both need to agree on. If we BOTH think the answer should be yes, after we discuss it privately, then and only then it's a yes. If either one of us has any hesitations, or if either one of us thinks the answer should be a no, or even a maybe- then the answer is no!
Your wife said no, so, it's a no!
Your wife said no, so, it's a no!
Anonymous
02/14/2026 20:13
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.
Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?
It's exhausting.
OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.
You had kids to wipe your butt when you got old?
I didn't have kids. Made plans.
Genuinely curious. How will you be protected if you get dementia?
Enough dementia and I won't care. Better than chaining a kid to my butt.
Anonymous
02/14/2026 19:15
Subject: Re:DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
I don’t blame her.
Anonymous
02/13/2026 21:20
Subject: Re:DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:and then follow through. Promises mean nothing without the action to back them up. In my family of origin it would be all promises and all lies.Anonymous wrote:You need to solemnly swear to your wife that if your mother moves in, you will be solely responsible for the caregiving and you won’t expect her to lift a finger.
These "promises" never work. There are only a few men who'd be willing and able to take care of their mother. Did he participate in childrearing, like hands on, cleaning and cooking, organizing activities, going to doctors? If no, they're not going to do it now. My DH was inviting his mom and brother to stay at the beginning of our marriage (at different times), and then promptly took off to office as he had "so much work". I was literally stuck with them, because it felt unpolite to also take off. We women are stupid. After having to clean, cook and entertain as a proper host, I now simply refuse any and all of his "guests". I said that I'd take off for the days he invites, and I totally would. Btw his brother still raves about the winery tour I organized over 10 years later.
When my parents needed caring, I just quit work. I was unmarried and felt that family should come before money.
This is not realistic for 99% of people, not just because of money, but they have other obligations and quite frankly, interests. Also, once married, most consider their family to be their spouse and kids, not parents. I personally would never do it. How did you survive?
Anonymous
02/13/2026 19:51
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.
Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?
It's exhausting.
OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.
You had kids to wipe your butt when you got old?
I didn't have kids. Made plans.
Genuinely curious. How will you be protected if you get dementia?
DP, but I promise to make sure I’m dead before that happens.
Anonymous
02/13/2026 19:50
Subject: DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.
Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?
It's exhausting.
OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.
You had kids to wipe your butt when you got old?
I didn't have kids. Made plans.
Genuinely curious. How will you be protected if you get dementia?