What has completely killed me this year is that my kids couldn't even be bothered to do anything for Mother's Day. They are now 14 and 18 years old, but could not be bothered to even go to 7-11 or somewhere to buy me a chocolate or to even give me a little surprise.
My husband rarely bothers with my birthday, Valentine's Day, our anniversary. and if he does, it's usually the least he has to go to make it passable. That being said, I always give them nice birthdays, buy them little chocolates/treats/gifts every now and then.
But it's the realization they disregarded Mother's Day like my husband is what hurt the most.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband explicitly what I wanted several weeks ago. We also discussed our Father’s Day plans in the same discussion.

I would love for him to intuit that I need to sleep in, want breakfast from this particular bakery, and want it delivered to me in bed before we go to see my sister and her children, then he takes off with our kids to see his mother while I relax with my sister. But it’s really unlikely that he’ll do so and frankly I’m in my 30s and don’t need to settle for some kind of half-assery, so my make my wishes known up front.

Why? Why on earth would you expect that he would know the exact thing you want to do for Mother's Day? Do you know exactly what he wants to do for Father's Day? Why wouldn't you be willing to be clear about what you want rather than expecting someone to read your mind and then be upset when they do it wrong? It's like you people are setting your husbands up to fail a test or something.

I know exactly what my husband wants for Father’s Day: Golf with our teen sons, grilling outside, and a bj later that night.
I can also tell you what every woman wants for Mother’s Day: something cute from the kids, a meal that she doesn’t have to prepare, a card with something nice written in it, and some time alone to relax.

None of this is hard.

I can also tell you that my husband does NOT want me to come to him the Saturday before Father’s Day and ask him to plan the day out.

+1. Haha this is spot on for what DH and I both want on mothers/Father’s Day.

I don’t see why people wouldn’t take advantage of a day to appreciate their spouse. And, presumably, people who have been together long enough to have kids have some idea of what each other find enjoyable or relaxing. Right…?

Because I'd rather my spouse and I appreciate each other regularly.

To me, the people who are unhappy about whatever they did or didn't get on Mother's Day are generally unhappy in their marriages. I love my spouse and we have a great marriage, so I don't get upset about birthdays or other holidays. We get each other stuff randomly throughout the year and discuss our wants and needs on a regular basis, so any single "day" doesn't carry more weight than another.

I hate when people act like those are the only two options. Especially on Valentine's day.

Like its either: tell them you love them every day but ignore valentine's day OR be cold and distant all year but go over the top of Feb 14th.

As if there isn't a middle ground where you appreciate and love them everyday but also use the opportunity to put it into words and express that love in a new way.

Why can't that be done at any time? Valentine's Day is often inconvenient. So, for that matter, is Mother's Day - for whatever reason our child's sport almost always has a competition out of town on that day. My husband took me out for a fancy dinner the weekend before because that was when we didn't have other plans. I'm just saying being rigid about the particular day seems silly to me. But if you want a grand profession of love on Valentine's Day then that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband explicitly what I wanted several weeks ago. We also discussed our Father’s Day plans in the same discussion.

I would love for him to intuit that I need to sleep in, want breakfast from this particular bakery, and want it delivered to me in bed before we go to see my sister and her children, then he takes off with our kids to see his mother while I relax with my sister. But it’s really unlikely that he’ll do so and frankly I’m in my 30s and don’t need to settle for some kind of half-assery, so my make my wishes known up front.

Why? Why on earth would you expect that he would know the exact thing you want to do for Mother's Day? Do you know exactly what he wants to do for Father's Day? Why wouldn't you be willing to be clear about what you want rather than expecting someone to read your mind and then be upset when they do it wrong? It's like you people are setting your husbands up to fail a test or something.

I know exactly what my husband wants for Father’s Day: Golf with our teen sons, grilling outside, and a bj later that night.
I can also tell you what every woman wants for Mother’s Day: something cute from the kids, a meal that she doesn’t have to prepare, a card with something nice written in it, and some time alone to relax.

None of this is hard.

I can also tell you that my husband does NOT want me to come to him the Saturday before Father’s Day and ask him to plan the day out.

+1. Haha this is spot on for what DH and I both want on mothers/Father’s Day.

I don’t see why people wouldn’t take advantage of a day to appreciate their spouse. And, presumably, people who have been together long enough to have kids have some idea of what each other find enjoyable or relaxing. Right…?

Because I'd rather my spouse and I appreciate each other regularly.

To me, the people who are unhappy about whatever they did or didn't get on Mother's Day are generally unhappy in their marriages. I love my spouse and we have a great marriage, so I don't get upset about birthdays or other holidays. We get each other stuff randomly throughout the year and discuss our wants and needs on a regular basis, so any single "day" doesn't carry more weight than another.

Pp I actually completely agree with you that I see Mother’s Day/holiday complaints as part of a larger relationship problem. I also think it’s completely fine to want a low key approach since you are typically satisfied in your marriage.

I just think it’s sad that there are people relying on a day with the hopes that their spouse will do something nice for them. And then are berated by posters for wanting their spouse to be considerate. It has to be terrible to have a spouse who doesn’t make an effort on a regular basis or on a “special day” and has no idea how to make their partner happy. But, to your point, 100% a relationship problem, not a Mother’s Day specific problem.

I don't think anyone deserves to be berated, but I also think there's some benefit to telling people that if they are relying on Mother's Day as the singular day all year that their spouse will be kind and do something for them, they are likely setting themselves up for failure.

If your husband doesn't even wish you a Happy Mother's Day (unless you have both agreed to completely ignore the holiday), then I think you probably have issues in your marriage that should be worked out in therapy. Venting on DCUM isn't going to get you to a better place. However, if it makes you feel better to get it off your chest or makes you feel less alone when you see other posts like yours, then carry on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband explicitly what I wanted several weeks ago. We also discussed our Father’s Day plans in the same discussion.

I would love for him to intuit that I need to sleep in, want breakfast from this particular bakery, and want it delivered to me in bed before we go to see my sister and her children, then he takes off with our kids to see his mother while I relax with my sister. But it’s really unlikely that he’ll do so and frankly I’m in my 30s and don’t need to settle for some kind of half-assery, so my make my wishes known up front.

I think people are really different on this. I don’t really have any wishes other than that DH think about what might (realistically) make me happy.

Yeah that’s just it. I’m not setting some arbitrary “you think about what will make me happy” metric. He could think for hours and get it wrong. Why set a test when the only person who is impacted by the results is me?

It isn’t a test. He couldn’t think for hours and get it wrong.
If he thought about it for an hour, then he would get it right. Because him thinking about it IS what I want.
There is nothing for me to tell him to do. I can buy my own breakfast from a particular bakery or even have it delivered if I don’t want to get out of bed. No need for a middle man. I want him to think about me. I would rather have something that isn’t my favorite that he genuinely thought about and thought I would like.

You sound exhausting.

Why? I mean, my kids do this. My mom and sister do. My friends do. I do it for DH, the kids, my family, and my friends.

What’s so exhausting about thinking about someone else and doing something they might like?

Because I bet the PP won't ever be happy with whatever her husband comes up with. He won't have spent enough time thinking about her. She sounds exhausting.