Anonymous wrote:We recently moved to the suburbs, and they are everywhere. Some of the kids are in travel lacrosse and soccer and they are in FIRST grade. They all have the same exact huge white SUV. It was hilarious the other day because a few of them ran into each other at the grocery store and were talking obnoxiously about their vacations while standing in line at Aldi. Anyway, once I got to the parking lot, they were all talking and loading their groceries. They all have the exact type of car a HUGE white SUV. My first car in high school was a Prius. Dh wants an SUV but I am adamant about having a sedan. We have two kids, and it's fine. Do these people not care about global warming? We had an earthquake a week ago, killing thousands of people. Driving these huge cars is such a waste and global warming contributes to more earthquakes. I went from living in an apartment to this. It's such a big change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We recently moved to the suburbs, and they are everywhere. Some of the kids are in travel lacrosse and soccer and they are in FIRST grade. They all have the same exact huge white SUV. It was hilarious the other day because a few of them ran into each other at the grocery store and were talking obnoxiously about their vacations while standing in line at Aldi. Anyway, once I got to the parking lot, they were all talking and loading their groceries. They all have the exact type of car a HUGE white SUV. My first car in high school was a Prius. Dh wants an SUV but I am adamant about having a sedan. We have two kids, and it's fine. Do these people not care about global warming? We had an earthquake a week ago, killing thousands of people. Driving these huge cars is such a waste and global warming contributes to more earthquakes. I went from living in an apartment to this. It's such a big change.

OMG, you are me! We went from a small house to an apartment and now a huge house in the burbs. Things are different here! Everyone has a freaking large SUV with a BMW/LEXUS/ blah blah sign on their car.

It's almost like the people who buy huge houses in the burbs don't care about their carbon footprint

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care about the SUV’s specifically but yes these types of people are why I don’t really have good friends. I can’t relate to them at all - we are friendly acquaintances and that’s it.

I feel the same about the ski trips out west, home remodels, country clubs, private schools, etc. It’s just never ending for many of these families and I feel like an alien visiting a foreign land I don’t understand. And I’ve been here 15 years.

This, I don't get any of it. It's a values system I wasn't raised with and don't understand.

The thing in the OP I most relate to is that feeling when you notice that a bunch of the people around you all have the exact same thing, like there was a memo that went out. It reminds me of this one woman on my neighborhood listserv who sometimes posts things like, "Ok y'all, what shoes are we all buying for the littles now? Are Natives still in or have people found something better?" It is always extremely jarring to me because she's not asking for a recommendation, she wants to know what "everyone" is doing so that she can do it too. This is such a strange way to go through life, it would not occur to me. When I see her posts, I always click on them so I can read them and the responses, it's like being Jane Goodall or something. Fascinating, but something I observe from a distance.

PP and yes this exactly. It’s a whole mindset, not just the SUV. I feel like such an imposter and so out of place. I think “my people” are probably somewhere in rural New England but I hate the cold and winter so no idea where I will go when my kids finish HS. Thank goodness my DH gets it and gets me. If not I would be totally lost.

I sound like my mother but, with that kind of attitude you are destined to fail. There are all kinds of people everywhere. If you want to 'find' your people then you need to make yourself open and to a degree vulnerable. It sounds as if you are going in with a chip on your shoulder and judging people before you even speak to them. If you want people not to judge you on superficial things then you need to not judge others on superficial things. I am friends with all different kinds of people from the super fancy Real Housewives type to the no make up, leggings crowd. They are all good people and beneath our clothing choices, we have a lot of things in common and a lot of fun. I show up to their fancy things in what I can muster and they overdress for my BBQ - what bonds us is our interests, our kids, our passions, our experiences. You are missing a lot of joy in your life if you just write off a whole group of people based on assumptions.

Nah. I tried that for many many years. Then I turned 40 and decided I didn’t want to spend my valuable free time with people I don’t like and have nothing in common with. So I just stopped and I am much happier. I have a few friends that get it - many are older and at different life stages but I prefer that to the vapid and shallow. I am much more at peace now than I ever was trying to twist myself into a pretzel to care about what they all care about. I certainly don’t want to spend 20 minutes discussing the color and door profile of your new cabinets.

I'm confused how you're over 40 and drove a Prius in high school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care about the SUV’s specifically but yes these types of people are why I don’t really have good friends. I can’t relate to them at all - we are friendly acquaintances and that’s it.

I feel the same about the ski trips out west, home remodels, country clubs, private schools, etc. It’s just never ending for many of these families and I feel like an alien visiting a foreign land I don’t understand. And I’ve been here 15 years.

This, I don't get any of it. It's a values system I wasn't raised with and don't understand.

The thing in the OP I most relate to is that feeling when you notice that a bunch of the people around you all have the exact same thing, like there was a memo that went out. It reminds me of this one woman on my neighborhood listserv who sometimes posts things like, "Ok y'all, what shoes are we all buying for the littles now? Are Natives still in or have people found something better?" It is always extremely jarring to me because she's not asking for a recommendation, she wants to know what "everyone" is doing so that she can do it too. This is such a strange way to go through life, it would not occur to me. When I see her posts, I always click on them so I can read them and the responses, it's like being Jane Goodall or something. Fascinating, but something I observe from a distance.

PP and yes this exactly. It’s a whole mindset, not just the SUV. I feel like such an imposter and so out of place. I think “my people” are probably somewhere in rural New England but I hate the cold and winter so no idea where I will go when my kids finish HS. Thank goodness my DH gets it and gets me. If not I would be totally lost.

I sound like my mother but, with that kind of attitude you are destined to fail. There are all kinds of people everywhere. If you want to 'find' your people then you need to make yourself open and to a degree vulnerable. It sounds as if you are going in with a chip on your shoulder and judging people before you even speak to them. If you want people not to judge you on superficial things then you need to not judge others on superficial things. I am friends with all different kinds of people from the super fancy Real Housewives type to the no make up, leggings crowd. They are all good people and beneath our clothing choices, we have a lot of things in common and a lot of fun. I show up to their fancy things in what I can muster and they overdress for my BBQ - what bonds us is our interests, our kids, our passions, our experiences. You are missing a lot of joy in your life if you just write off a whole group of people based on assumptions.

Nah. I tried that for many many years. Then I turned 40 and decided I didn’t want to spend my valuable free time with people I don’t like and have nothing in common with. So I just stopped and I am much happier. I have a few friends that get it - many are older and at different life stages but I prefer that to the vapid and shallow. I am much more at peace now than I ever was trying to twist myself into a pretzel to care about what they all care about. I certainly don’t want to spend 20 minutes discussing the color and door profile of your new cabinets.

I'm confused how you're over 40 and drove a Prius in high school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you went from living in an apartment to a suburban house (that takes up yard space and more resources than your old apartment) and you’re upset that people aren’t conforming to you and your standards?

Who do you think you are, exactly?

Wrong. I live in a town house. No yard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care about the SUV’s specifically but yes these types of people are why I don’t really have good friends. I can’t relate to them at all - we are friendly acquaintances and that’s it.

I feel the same about the ski trips out west, home remodels, country clubs, private schools, etc. It’s just never ending for many of these families and I feel like an alien visiting a foreign land I don’t understand. And I’ve been here 15 years.

This, I don't get any of it. It's a values system I wasn't raised with and don't understand.

The thing in the OP I most relate to is that feeling when you notice that a bunch of the people around you all have the exact same thing, like there was a memo that went out. It reminds me of this one woman on my neighborhood listserv who sometimes posts things like, "Ok y'all, what shoes are we all buying for the littles now? Are Natives still in or have people found something better?" It is always extremely jarring to me because she's not asking for a recommendation, she wants to know what "everyone" is doing so that she can do it too. This is such a strange way to go through life, it would not occur to me. When I see her posts, I always click on them so I can read them and the responses, it's like being Jane Goodall or something. Fascinating, but something I observe from a distance.

PP and yes this exactly. It’s a whole mindset, not just the SUV. I feel like such an imposter and so out of place. I think “my people” are probably somewhere in rural New England but I hate the cold and winter so no idea where I will go when my kids finish HS. Thank goodness my DH gets it and gets me. If not I would be totally lost.

I sound like my mother but, with that kind of attitude you are destined to fail. There are all kinds of people everywhere. If you want to 'find' your people then you need to make yourself open and to a degree vulnerable. It sounds as if you are going in with a chip on your shoulder and judging people before you even speak to them. If you want people not to judge you on superficial things then you need to not judge others on superficial things. I am friends with all different kinds of people from the super fancy Real Housewives type to the no make up, leggings crowd. They are all good people and beneath our clothing choices, we have a lot of things in common and a lot of fun. I show up to their fancy things in what I can muster and they overdress for my BBQ - what bonds us is our interests, our kids, our passions, our experiences. You are missing a lot of joy in your life if you just write off a whole group of people based on assumptions.

Nah. I tried that for many many years. Then I turned 40 and decided I didn’t want to spend my valuable free time with people I don’t like and have nothing in common with. So I just stopped and I am much happier. I have a few friends that get it - many are older and at different life stages but I prefer that to the vapid and shallow. I am much more at peace now than I ever was trying to twist myself into a pretzel to care about what they all care about. I certainly don’t want to spend 20 minutes discussing the color and door profile of your new cabinets.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The funniest thing about this thread is all the people patting themselves on the back for their perceived virtue, and castigating others for their lack of virtue, really and truly believe that individual changes matter one iota with respect to climate change. They don't. If it makes you feel better, fine, but if you really believe that driving an Accord as opposed to a Suburban changes anything at all, you don't have two brain cells to rub together.

I disagree. The thread isn't even just about SUVs and the environment. The thread is about how it's hard to be friends with people who engage in this kind of competitive consumerism and lifestyle. It's not that people drive SUVs, it's that ALL the families in this particular group drive the same SUVs. Their kids do the same activities to the same degree. They wear the same clothes. The go on the same vacations.

I don't want to be friends with people like that either. Because they are communicating to me that they value not only these specific things (large vehicles, travel sports, conspicuous consumption) but also that they value being part of the group that does it. And that makes me nervous. If I became friends with those women, would I suddenly feel like I needed an SUV or to dress my kids a certain way or to travel to certain places just to fit in? I don't want to do things just to fit in. On the other hand, I also don't want to constantly be the outlier in a group, the one person who doesn't do the thing that everyone else does. It's fine to be an outlier sometimes, everyone is. It sucks to be a permanent outlier, "the weird one."

Which is why I value a community where you don't see that kind of sameness. I bet if OP encountered a group of moms at the grocery store and one or two of them had SUVS, one one of them was talking about travel soccer while the others clearly didn't do it, where they were dressed differently for their various lives/jobs/hobbies, she wouldn't have had this reaction, even if she doesn't like SUVs in general. Maybe the two moms with SUVs have big families, maybe one of them is a florist and needs it for transport, who knows.

But when EVERYONE is doing the same thing, you know that some people are just doing it because it's what people do. It's off-putting. I wouldn't want to be friends with them either, and I have friends who drive SUVs, and friends who's kids are in travel sports. But I also have friends who aren't, and I can't imagine a situation where I would be around a group of moms I know and we'd all be driving the same car, talking about the same activity, wearing the same clothes, etc. First off, that sounds boring. But also I just seek out more diversity in my relationships than that.

You are calling everyone weak-minded and conformist, and yet you are so afraid that you won't be able to resist the clarion call of the white SUV that you refuse to befriend people who drive them? Who is the sheep, yeesh

I didn't call anyone weak-minded and conformist, those are your words. I explained what I view to be the problem with a very homogenous group, and the pressures it puts on newcomers to conform. I, like almost all humans, want to fit in -- it's part of our social drive. But a homogenous group requires conformity to fit in, whereas a divers group does not. Thus I prefer a diverse group, where I will experience less pressure to change my behavior to match the rest of the group, because everyone has accepted a certain degree of difference as normal.

It's interesting to me that you read my post (or at least part of it), and assumed I was saying that everyone except me is weak-minded and conformist. I wonder why your brain incorrectly leapt to that conclusion even though I don't say that anywhere in my post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care about the SUV’s specifically but yes these types of people are why I don’t really have good friends. I can’t relate to them at all - we are friendly acquaintances and that’s it.

I feel the same about the ski trips out west, home remodels, country clubs, private schools, etc. It’s just never ending for many of these families and I feel like an alien visiting a foreign land I don’t understand. And I’ve been here 15 years.

This, I don't get any of it. It's a values system I wasn't raised with and don't understand.

The thing in the OP I most relate to is that feeling when you notice that a bunch of the people around you all have the exact same thing, like there was a memo that went out. It reminds me of this one woman on my neighborhood listserv who sometimes posts things like, "Ok y'all, what shoes are we all buying for the littles now? Are Natives still in or have people found something better?" It is always extremely jarring to me because she's not asking for a recommendation, she wants to know what "everyone" is doing so that she can do it too. This is such a strange way to go through life, it would not occur to me. When I see her posts, I always click on them so I can read them and the responses, it's like being Jane Goodall or something. Fascinating, but something I observe from a distance.

PP and yes this exactly. It’s a whole mindset, not just the SUV. I feel like such an imposter and so out of place. I think “my people” are probably somewhere in rural New England but I hate the cold and winter so no idea where I will go when my kids finish HS. Thank goodness my DH gets it and gets me. If not I would be totally lost.

I sound like my mother but, with that kind of attitude you are destined to fail. There are all kinds of people everywhere. If you want to 'find' your people then you need to make yourself open and to a degree vulnerable. It sounds as if you are going in with a chip on your shoulder and judging people before you even speak to them. If you want people not to judge you on superficial things then you need to not judge others on superficial things. I am friends with all different kinds of people from the super fancy Real Housewives type to the no make up, leggings crowd. They are all good people and beneath our clothing choices, we have a lot of things in common and a lot of fun. I show up to their fancy things in what I can muster and they overdress for my BBQ - what bonds us is our interests, our kids, our passions, our experiences. You are missing a lot of joy in your life if you just write off a whole group of people based on assumptions.

Nah. I tried that for many many years. Then I turned 40 and decided I didn’t want to spend my valuable free time with people I don’t like and have nothing in common with. So I just stopped and I am much happier. I have a few friends that get it - many are older and at different life stages but I prefer that to the vapid and shallow. I am much more at peace now than I ever was trying to twist myself into a pretzel to care about what they all care about. I certainly don’t want to spend 20 minutes discussing the color and door profile of your new cabinets.

I'm confused how you're over 40 and drove a Prius in high school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy your Prius

I no longer have a Prius. That was in high school and I pointed that out because that's how I grew up. It was very important to my parents that I don't contribute to global warming so hence the Prius. Big SUVs are so wasteful. That's a fact Americans love to ignore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care about the SUV’s specifically but yes these types of people are why I don’t really have good friends. I can’t relate to them at all - we are friendly acquaintances and that’s it.

I feel the same about the ski trips out west, home remodels, country clubs, private schools, etc. It’s just never ending for many of these families and I feel like an alien visiting a foreign land I don’t understand. And I’ve been here 15 years.

This, I don't get any of it. It's a values system I wasn't raised with and don't understand.

The thing in the OP I most relate to is that feeling when you notice that a bunch of the people around you all have the exact same thing, like there was a memo that went out. It reminds me of this one woman on my neighborhood listserv who sometimes posts things like, "Ok y'all, what shoes are we all buying for the littles now? Are Natives still in or have people found something better?" It is always extremely jarring to me because she's not asking for a recommendation, she wants to know what "everyone" is doing so that she can do it too. This is such a strange way to go through life, it would not occur to me. When I see her posts, I always click on them so I can read them and the responses, it's like being Jane Goodall or something. Fascinating, but something I observe from a distance.

PP and yes this exactly. It’s a whole mindset, not just the SUV. I feel like such an imposter and so out of place. I think “my people” are probably somewhere in rural New England but I hate the cold and winter so no idea where I will go when my kids finish HS. Thank goodness my DH gets it and gets me. If not I would be totally lost.

I sound like my mother but, with that kind of attitude you are destined to fail. There are all kinds of people everywhere. If you want to 'find' your people then you need to make yourself open and to a degree vulnerable. It sounds as if you are going in with a chip on your shoulder and judging people before you even speak to them. If you want people not to judge you on superficial things then you need to not judge others on superficial things. I am friends with all different kinds of people from the super fancy Real Housewives type to the no make up, leggings crowd. They are all good people and beneath our clothing choices, we have a lot of things in common and a lot of fun. I show up to their fancy things in what I can muster and they overdress for my BBQ - what bonds us is our interests, our kids, our passions, our experiences. You are missing a lot of joy in your life if you just write off a whole group of people based on assumptions.

Nah. I tried that for many many years. Then I turned 40 and decided I didn’t want to spend my valuable free time with people I don’t like and have nothing in common with. So I just stopped and I am much happier. I have a few friends that get it - many are older and at different life stages but I prefer that to the vapid and shallow. I am much more at peace now than I ever was trying to twist myself into a pretzel to care about what they all care about. I certainly don’t want to spend 20 minutes discussing the color and door profile of your new cabinets.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care about the SUV’s specifically but yes these types of people are why I don’t really have good friends. I can’t relate to them at all - we are friendly acquaintances and that’s it.

I feel the same about the ski trips out west, home remodels, country clubs, private schools, etc. It’s just never ending for many of these families and I feel like an alien visiting a foreign land I don’t understand. And I’ve been here 15 years.

This, I don't get any of it. It's a values system I wasn't raised with and don't understand.

The thing in the OP I most relate to is that feeling when you notice that a bunch of the people around you all have the exact same thing, like there was a memo that went out. It reminds me of this one woman on my neighborhood listserv who sometimes posts things like, "Ok y'all, what shoes are we all buying for the littles now? Are Natives still in or have people found something better?" It is always extremely jarring to me because she's not asking for a recommendation, she wants to know what "everyone" is doing so that she can do it too. This is such a strange way to go through life, it would not occur to me. When I see her posts, I always click on them so I can read them and the responses, it's like being Jane Goodall or something. Fascinating, but something I observe from a distance.

PP and yes this exactly. It’s a whole mindset, not just the SUV. I feel like such an imposter and so out of place. I think “my people” are probably somewhere in rural New England but I hate the cold and winter so no idea where I will go when my kids finish HS. Thank goodness my DH gets it and gets me. If not I would be totally lost.

I sound like my mother but, with that kind of attitude you are destined to fail. There are all kinds of people everywhere. If you want to 'find' your people then you need to make yourself open and to a degree vulnerable. It sounds as if you are going in with a chip on your shoulder and judging people before you even speak to them. If you want people not to judge you on superficial things then you need to not judge others on superficial things. I am friends with all different kinds of people from the super fancy Real Housewives type to the no make up, leggings crowd. They are all good people and beneath our clothing choices, we have a lot of things in common and a lot of fun. I show up to their fancy things in what I can muster and they overdress for my BBQ - what bonds us is our interests, our kids, our passions, our experiences. You are missing a lot of joy in your life if you just write off a whole group of people based on assumptions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The funniest thing about this thread is all the people patting themselves on the back for their perceived virtue, and castigating others for their lack of virtue, really and truly believe that individual changes matter one iota with respect to climate change. They don't. If it makes you feel better, fine, but if you really believe that driving an Accord as opposed to a Suburban changes anything at all, you don't have two brain cells to rub together.

I disagree. The thread isn't even just about SUVs and the environment. The thread is about how it's hard to be friends with people who engage in this kind of competitive consumerism and lifestyle. It's not that people drive SUVs, it's that ALL the families in this particular group drive the same SUVs. Their kids do the same activities to the same degree. They wear the same clothes. The go on the same vacations.

I don't want to be friends with people like that either. Because they are communicating to me that they value not only these specific things (large vehicles, travel sports, conspicuous consumption) but also that they value being part of the group that does it. And that makes me nervous. If I became friends with those women, would I suddenly feel like I needed an SUV or to dress my kids a certain way or to travel to certain places just to fit in? I don't want to do things just to fit in. On the other hand, I also don't want to constantly be the outlier in a group, the one person who doesn't do the thing that everyone else does. It's fine to be an outlier sometimes, everyone is. It sucks to be a permanent outlier, "the weird one."

Which is why I value a community where you don't see that kind of sameness. I bet if OP encountered a group of moms at the grocery store and one or two of them had SUVS, one one of them was talking about travel soccer while the others clearly didn't do it, where they were dressed differently for their various lives/jobs/hobbies, she wouldn't have had this reaction, even if she doesn't like SUVs in general. Maybe the two moms with SUVs have big families, maybe one of them is a florist and needs it for transport, who knows.

But when EVERYONE is doing the same thing, you know that some people are just doing it because it's what people do. It's off-putting. I wouldn't want to be friends with them either, and I have friends who drive SUVs, and friends who's kids are in travel sports. But I also have friends who aren't, and I can't imagine a situation where I would be around a group of moms I know and we'd all be driving the same car, talking about the same activity, wearing the same clothes, etc. First off, that sounds boring. But also I just seek out more diversity in my relationships than that.

You are calling everyone weak-minded and conformist, and yet you are so afraid that you won't be able to resist the clarion call of the white SUV that you refuse to befriend people who drive them? Who is the sheep, yeesh

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy your Prius

I no longer have a Prius. That was in high school and I pointed that out because that's how I grew up. It was very important to my parents that I don't contribute to global warming so hence the Prius. Big SUVs are so wasteful. That's a fact Americans love to ignore.

You and your family sound insufferable. We have a Prius AND a big big SUV. A Prius can’t tow my horses around a yes the horses fart and probably contribute to glow or warming too. You are ridiculous. Live your life and let other people live theirs. You have no idea why people do what they do or whether they tells you anything about their values. You just don’t.

Hit a nerve? Driving a huge suv does tell you something about people's values. "Live your life and let others waste, pollute, consume, blah blah. It's the American way. Go America!

And you know what. Yeah. Go America. It’s the best and most free country in the world and we are sending so much help and care to turkey right now so why don’t you just shut up for half a beat and be incredibly grateful that you are here and not there. If you don’t like the American way, leave.

This comment is ironic because last night when a man was shooting people at Michigan State for no freaking reason and college kids were cowering in their dorm rooms and parents where frantically trying to find out if they were okay, I thought to myself: this isn't freedom.

You think freedom is driving your giant SUV. I think freedom is not worrying about being hit by a giant SUV, or my kid being run over by one.

I'd freaking love to leave this stupid country.

Anonymous wrote:What do you consider a huge SUV? A Toyota Highlander or Honda Pilot or are we talking Suburbans and Escalades?