Anonymous
02/09/2023 12:31
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.
My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.
My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.
Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.
This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.
Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.
I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.
Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”
Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.
What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?
This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.
I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!
Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.
Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.
What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.
Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.
Yeah, btdt, no thanks.
Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.
Agreed but the problem with masking is people will say they are into these things and do them and then just drop them rather than being authentic.
Well that’s not actually what masking is as discussed in the literature. And I’m sure you’d be totally accepting if they were up front!
Anonymous
02/09/2023 12:31
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
I’d start inviting friends and family over all the time. For the social interaction and role modeling how to talk and be with people, for the children.
Ramp up the socializing, OPs H can stay home or n the basement if he’s tapped out.
Ramp up the socializing, OPs H can stay home or n the basement if he’s tapped out.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 12:21
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.
My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.
My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.
Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.
This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.
Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.
I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.
Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”
Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.
What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?
This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.
I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!
Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.
Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.
What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.
Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.
Yeah, btdt, no thanks.
Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.
Hold up.
Isn’t the HFA ASD person imposing their views on OP and the whole family.
The don’t like most things or can’t do most things so unless Op truly does bother her and his role, they all sink to the lowest denominator: Doing nothing.
Don’t you see. He is doing exactly what he wants, whenever he wants. Ignoring all responsibilities or obligations to others. What a privileged way to live, only thinking of oneself morning, noon, and night.
+100, and having someone cater to his needs completely at the expense of her own happiness. An abuser's dream!
Anonymous
02/09/2023 12:20
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Detach from any emotions or normal expectations of him.
This is not possible in a marriage. What you describe is a roommate situation. That's not what I want. I'm trying to save my marriage if it's possible.
Why does this burden have to fall squarely on your shoulders? He's presumably an equal partner in this relationship and he's not pulling his weight. He doesn't care, but likely enjoys the status that being a married/family man affords him at work. Why prop up his ego for nothing in return?
She already realizes the above and agrees. We all do.
Then what? Are kid involved - that gets hairy fast with a solo ASD parent.
She says she loves him. Does she love him him, or the idea and status of being married and having a warm body in the house? Or fear of change? Or loss of self due to being married 25 years to someone who doesn’t take an interest in her or life?
She wants a game plan. Lots of posters gave her one. But the happy marriage one will look differently it will be Happy OP, with him tagging along longer or separate.
That's not a marriage, that's having a violent, emotionally abusive roommate (based on OP's prior comments ~p 4) who OP now needs to control as much or more than the kids. Being an ASD child is even worse in such an environment.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 12:05
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.
My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.
My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.
Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.
This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.
Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.
I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.
Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”
Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.
What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?
This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.
I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!
Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.
Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.
What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.
Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.
Yeah, btdt, no thanks.
Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.
Hold up.
Isn’t the HFA ASD person imposing their views on OP and the whole family.
The don’t like most things or can’t do most things so unless Op truly does bother her and his role, they all sink to the lowest denominator: Doing nothing.
Don’t you see. He is doing exactly what he wants, whenever he wants. Ignoring all responsibilities or obligations to others. What a privileged way to live, only thinking of oneself morning, noon, and night.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 12:01
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.
My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.
My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.
Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.
This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.
Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.
I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.
Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”
Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.
What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?
This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.
I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!
Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.
Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.
What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.
Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.
Yeah, btdt, no thanks.
Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.
There really is not a relationship. There’s no talking, no caring, no sharing, no doing.
Don’t conflate codependency and enabling as a healthy or functional relationship.
Life and relationships get easier and healthier when you have similar abilities to communicate, behave, function. Otherwise it’s a parent/child “relationship” amongst a spouses or adults.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 11:57
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.
My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.
My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.
Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.
This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.
Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.
I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.
Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”
Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.
What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?
This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.
I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!
Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.
Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.
What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.
Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.
Yeah, btdt, no thanks.
So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?
Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!
Yes it's nice you finally figured that out
You just having reading comp issues.
Pp figured it out after the first Xmas gift exchange, trip around town, or like third silent dinner. They don’t do gifts, don’t care about activities and don’t talk or interact. It’d be fatiguing and exhausting to carry that or lug them around. Thus PP quit trying and does that herself or with other people who do actually care and appreciate it.
I feel bad for those people figuring out the underlying AsD issue 15-30 years after the fact. They just have been going crazy wondering WTF was going on.
Now that Op knows what she is dealing with, she can make a plan and it feel bad doing the plan.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 11:53
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Detach from any emotions or normal expectations of him.
This is not possible in a marriage. What you describe is a roommate situation. That's not what I want. I'm trying to save my marriage if it's possible.
Why does this burden have to fall squarely on your shoulders? He's presumably an equal partner in this relationship and he's not pulling his weight. He doesn't care, but likely enjoys the status that being a married/family man affords him at work. Why prop up his ego for nothing in return?
He's not an equal partner. At least not in the same way. They have different roles and husband and wife and different abilities. It sounds like he is caring in his own way and brings in money. That's what he's capable of.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 11:52
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Detach from any emotions or normal expectations of him.
This is not possible in a marriage. What you describe is a roommate situation. That's not what I want. I'm trying to save my marriage if it's possible.
Why does this burden have to fall squarely on your shoulders? He's presumably an equal partner in this relationship and he's not pulling his weight. He doesn't care, but likely enjoys the status that being a married/family man affords him at work. Why prop up his ego for nothing in return?
She already realizes the above and agrees. We all do.
Then what? Are kid involved - that gets hairy fast with a solo ASD parent.
She says she loves him. Does she love him him, or the idea and status of being married and having a warm body in the house? Or fear of change? Or loss of self due to being married 25 years to someone who doesn’t take an interest in her or life?
She wants a game plan. Lots of posters gave her one. But the happy marriage one will look differently it will be Happy OP, with him tagging along longer or separate.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 11:41
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.
My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.
My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.
Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.
This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.
Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.
I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.
Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”
Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.
What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?
This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.
I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!
Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.
Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.
What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.
Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.
Yeah, btdt, no thanks.
Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.
Agreed but the problem with masking is people will say they are into these things and do them and then just drop them rather than being authentic.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 11:41
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Detach from any emotions or normal expectations of him.
This is not possible in a marriage. What you describe is a roommate situation. That's not what I want. I'm trying to save my marriage if it's possible.
Why does this burden have to fall squarely on your shoulders? He's presumably an equal partner in this relationship and he's not pulling his weight. He doesn't care, but likely enjoys the status that being a married/family man affords him at work. Why prop up his ego for nothing in return?
Anonymous
02/09/2023 11:38
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.
My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.
My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.
Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.
This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.
Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.
I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.
Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”
Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.
What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?
This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.
I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!
Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.
Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.
What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.
Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.
Yeah, btdt, no thanks.
So basically you make no effort to do things they like, get mad that they like different things, and believe that they are the ones who lack social graces. Do I have that right?
Wrong again. Read it again.
They dont like to travel, eat out, do sporty stuff, talk during meals, so we don’t do those things with them any longer.
We hang out, watch tv, eat, eat dessert, read books, take walks. They get utility out of that and I don’t have to try to lead dinner conversations or plan an activity. Win win!
Yes it's nice you finally figured that out
Anonymous
02/09/2023 11:36
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP and these recent posts all ring so true for me.
My MIL and BIL have tried their best to ignore me for 25 years and when they’re with my husband, the three of them don’t interact with anyone else. Like: my children and I siting at the table with them. It’s soooo bizarre but I also have come to realize that they are each other’s safe place.
My FIL and MIL never did anything with their children or tried to engage with them. They basically had them work in the family biz and that was family time.
Being married to me has really opened my DH up to what a family can be and to what emotional connection is but he still struggles with it daily and is beyond socially awkward.
This is exactly what happened to me when we took DH's parents out to a very nice restaurant in the city where they live. DH's mom sat next to me and across from her only grandchildren, and said not a single word to us. She spent the entire meal speaking with DH (who sat next to her) and to her other son and her husband. The four of them were in their own little world. When I pointed this out to DH, he hadn't even noticed it. I told him I was never taking his parents out to dinner again, and we haven't. It was humiliating to me, but I don't think his mom even realized what she was doing. I think all four of them are on the spectrum, but DH presents better and is more successful in his career. And he's married to me, which gives him the appearance of a NT person, which he is not.
Interesting. So you think the correct response to neurodiverse behavior is to declare yourself “humiliated” and refuse to ever go out with them again. Wow NT behaviors just seem so normal and kind.
I only take people to nice dinners if they appreciate it, have back & forth conversations, and don’t neglect others around the table. You could even call it quid pro quo in PP’s case.
Oh god. Getting major narc/borderline vibes. “You didn’t pay enough attention to meeeeee at dinner, you are so evil and bad! I will never ever be seen in public with you!”
Between a borderline and a person with autism, I will always pick the latter.
What does whatever you wrote have to do with the woman whose MIL and BIL ignore her and the grandchild for an entire dinner and just talk to themselves?
This person who wrote the weird narc post is a troll. Other than trolling, I have no idea why this person is posting on this thread. S/he has nothing to say to the OP.
I wrote that. And yes I stopped taking my aspie in laws in beach trips, day trips, nice restaurants, and nice gifts. They never cared about the gifts or experiences and they don’t care that the only person in the lives who does them, stopped offering them up. They don’t care and now I don’t either. Win, win!
Loccidtane lotions gift? MIL gave them to her cleaning lady. I rec’d a plastic hair brush.
Beach trip with our family? I was asked “how do you know this is a top 10 beach, you haven’t been to the others, it’s just an article”.
What’d you think about our cool day trip to annapolis? Silence, no thank you even.
Let’s go to this great German restaurant! Get there, FIL asks for a pizza.
Yeah, btdt, no thanks.
Yes lifeand relationships get so much easier when we don't impose our views on others.
Anonymous
02/09/2023 11:31
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
OP, your marriage is ONLY one part of your life. You need to do some serious work on yourself. It is the only way through. You need a rich, full life that doesn't involve him. He is not holding you back from this - you are. People in marriages adjust to all kinds of things - spouses being gone, spouses overseas for long periods in the military, spouses who become disabled. Work on yourself
Anonymous
02/09/2023 10:39
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
She needs to grieve.
Read books on ASD/Nt couples.
Get stronger and more self care, focus in herself more.
Find friends and support. Start telling close family and friends what yours going through. MANY get it.
This will prob take one full year, depending on how busy you are. But you will come out of knowing yourself and your spouse better than anyone and better than himself. He will be predictable, you will see the patterns, the triggers, the shortcomings. Maybe you will see some strengths- he will wake up early and do stuff on a list, he can drive the kids around while in work calls, he can cook a meal with blue apron pics/ instructions, etc.
Read books on ASD/Nt couples.
Get stronger and more self care, focus in herself more.
Find friends and support. Start telling close family and friends what yours going through. MANY get it.
This will prob take one full year, depending on how busy you are. But you will come out of knowing yourself and your spouse better than anyone and better than himself. He will be predictable, you will see the patterns, the triggers, the shortcomings. Maybe you will see some strengths- he will wake up early and do stuff on a list, he can drive the kids around while in work calls, he can cook a meal with blue apron pics/ instructions, etc.