Anonymous
11/25/2022 22:15
Subject: Re:Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Give them a lavish "Farewell Party". Make a bonfire of all the pictures and momentos. List out the stupid things they did. Also serve pizza with sriracha sauce.
We gotta find a better name for it! It's sort of like a mix of Festivus and Farewell. FareFestWell? Farevivus?
Farewellivus!
OP, how did your holiday go?
Anonymous
11/25/2022 21:54
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
How did it go, OP?
Anonymous
11/25/2022 21:52
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yep, OP is done propping them all up.
They’ll adjust and hopefully step up.
Meanwhile, YELLOW ROCK them.
What does this mean?
Be short and sweet
Redirect them to their adult son
Refer to court orders and terms, really their son should do that if it even affects them whatsoever.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 21:48
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yep, OP is done propping them all up.
They’ll adjust and hopefully step up.
Meanwhile, YELLOW ROCK them.
Wtf is yellow rock??
Did you mean gray rock??? lol.
Yellow rock is what your lawyer will tell you to do and only via recorded texts and emails. No calls or in person communication necessary and only discuss kid logistics or needs.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 13:26
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.
I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?
In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.
+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."
PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.
Wow, you are twisting. She is not obligated to host a bunch of entitled people. And of course she is cooking a meal, I am sure just like any other night, she has to feed the kids holiday or not.
These people are just upset they will have to cook their TG dinner themselves, or go out and pay big bucks to eat out on a holiday.
This is not true. They want to see the grandkids on Thanksgiving. They’ve said as much to OP’s parents (which was hugely out of line of course). This isn’t about cooking a dinner.
They live in DC - why are they not offering to cook the dinner themselves and host it?
It doesn't sound like the OP would go. In my opinion, she is being churlish and self-centered. I would want my kids to see as many relatives as possible. But that's me. I would put the kids before my own needs. Again, that's me.
OMG, SHE SAID HER KIDS DON'T CARE AND THE GRANDPARENTS ARE LOCAL THEY SEE THE KIDS ALL THE TIME. LEARN HOW TO READ YOU DUMMIES.
Are you the OP?
Nope, I just think a lot of you are taking this very personally and it's super weird.
I think a lot of posters here will see things differently when they're older and have grandchildren. Life is indeed a very complicated learning process about family relationships and forgiveness.
I’ll definitely assume that my piss poor communicator son will be the same to me and any lady he marries. And probably to his future kids too.
Oh well. I intend to be besties with his wife!
To the pp
Don't count on being besties. You may get a dil that wants nothing to do with you. You can have all good intentions but you never know what will happen.
Anonymous
11/21/2022 02:50
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think they're panicking because they're finally having to confront that the divorce is real. And if your STBX has failed to communicate with them about Thanksgiving, I understand that they would be annoyed. They probably didn't ask him because they didn't realize there was any change that they needed to ask about.
Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want with them in the future. If you want to be invited to some Christmas stuff, think how you can behave now to make that more likely.
It's normal for the grandparents to get anxious about a divorce. They're probably going to be seeing less of their grandchildren, forever, especially if their son doesn't do a good job facilitating it. Nobody here is getting the family they wanted-- not you, not the kids, and not the grandparents. The sooner they accept that, the better.
I have told them before that they have access to kids any time. Their cousins can call them, text them, whatever. But yes, the holidays will now be separate. Birthdays or graduations can be together but it is now for the kids to invite them. I don't think I have to go that extra mile. I do want to have my own holidays with MY children. It is not too much to ask. I look forward to not cooking dinner for 25+ people, some of whom have outrageous diets. I look forward to not spending a lot of money on just food. I look forward to actually relaxing this holiday season.
Anyone with a shred of EQ would realize that OPs comment about seeing the kids anytime is not literal. Do the ILs expect to go on vacation with OP and her kids? Do they want to go to OP’s family reunion? As we’ve seen from OPs post, though, the ILs are missing that shred.
You have told them they have access to the kids on Thanksgiving day, then. You have to be clear. Don’t say “any time” if you don’t mean it.
Anonymous
11/20/2022 15:47
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
OP-I read through this thread. Most of the responses were bananas!
I say this as someone who just divorced. In fact, last Thanksgiving was the first holiday we did separately. And I posted on DCUM about how HAPPY I was that I was no longer having to factor in the ex in laws! It was GREAT just going over to my folks with the kids!!!
And some people here responded like they are to you. Who knows what their problem is? (jealousy) Look-you are separated. Take your kids and do your own plans. You do not owe the inlaws a THING. THEIR SON can handle them. WHO CARES what they 'want' to do?
OP, honestly, not dealing with the inlaws anymore has been one of the BEST parts of the divorce. It removed a whole layer of stress. BTW I also have local inlaws who make little effort to see my kids either!
I say this as someone who just divorced. In fact, last Thanksgiving was the first holiday we did separately. And I posted on DCUM about how HAPPY I was that I was no longer having to factor in the ex in laws! It was GREAT just going over to my folks with the kids!!!
And some people here responded like they are to you. Who knows what their problem is? (jealousy) Look-you are separated. Take your kids and do your own plans. You do not owe the inlaws a THING. THEIR SON can handle them. WHO CARES what they 'want' to do?
OP, honestly, not dealing with the inlaws anymore has been one of the BEST parts of the divorce. It removed a whole layer of stress. BTW I also have local inlaws who make little effort to see my kids either!
Anonymous
11/20/2022 10:34
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
If they show up uninvited, I suggest pbjs to go.
Anonymous
11/20/2022 10:34
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Let your folks know it’s ok to not answer. Your in-laws are out of line.
They can host on alternate days if they absolutely need to have a celebratory moment with the kids. We often do that with our extended family anyway. Not everyone can gather day of. We attend a few “thanksgiving” dinners in November, not always on the official date. We see different parts of family Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing Day as well.
They’ll need to adapt expectations and roles if they want a postcard holiday.
They can host on alternate days if they absolutely need to have a celebratory moment with the kids. We often do that with our extended family anyway. Not everyone can gather day of. We attend a few “thanksgiving” dinners in November, not always on the official date. We see different parts of family Christmas Eve/Day/Boxing Day as well.
They’ll need to adapt expectations and roles if they want a postcard holiday.
Anonymous
11/20/2022 10:11
Subject: Re:Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Give them a lavish "Farewell Party". Make a bonfire of all the pictures and momentos. List out the stupid things they did. Also serve pizza with sriracha sauce.
We gotta find a better name for it! It's sort of like a mix of Festivus and Farewell. FareFestWell? Farevivus?
Anonymous
11/20/2022 09:35
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yep, OP is done propping them all up.
They’ll adjust and hopefully step up.
Meanwhile, YELLOW ROCK them.
Wtf is yellow rock??
Did you mean gray rock??? lol.
NP. Google “yellow rock”—it is, indeed, a different strategy.
Anonymous
11/20/2022 09:16
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yep, OP is done propping them all up.
They’ll adjust and hopefully step up.
Meanwhile, YELLOW ROCK them.
Wtf is yellow rock??
Did you mean gray rock??? lol.
It’s a different strategy, using somewhat similar principles. I didn’t know what it was either and had to look it up too.
Anonymous
11/20/2022 09:15
Subject: Re:Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Give them a lavish "Farewell Party". Make a bonfire of all the pictures and momentos. List out the stupid things they did. Also serve pizza with sriracha sauce.
Anonymous
11/20/2022 09:14
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yep, OP is done propping them all up.
They’ll adjust and hopefully step up.
Meanwhile, YELLOW ROCK them.
Wtf is yellow rock??
Did you mean gray rock??? lol.
Google is your friend.
Yellow rock is the nicer version of gray rock. Gray rock but with extra pleasantries.
Anonymous
11/20/2022 00:36
Subject: Almost former ILs still want their "party"
Anonymous wrote:Yep, OP is done propping them all up.
They’ll adjust and hopefully step up.
Meanwhile, YELLOW ROCK them.
Wtf is yellow rock??
Did you mean gray rock??? lol.