I think any man who can’t figure out how to make his wife wife want it organically (or accept why she doesn’t at that particular time) and has to demand it is very insecure. Feeling rejected and incapable can hurt a lot. Easier to blame someone else for not providing your needs than to own your own feelings.

Definitely the world would be a better place if women had more agency and knowledge of their sexuality and men of their emotions. Generalizing, but there are few more destructive forces in the world than a man out of touch with his feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Nice strawman. I reject “sporadic sex for years” and you interpret that as “all the sex I can get exactly when I want it”. How hard is it to find 20 minutes per week to sustain your marriage? Again I say: life is too short for monogamy with a selfish “sporadic” wife for years.

I'm a new poster, but this is what my husband meant. He said he needed sex multiple times per day and any rejection by me for any reason made him feel bad. He said if I couldn't accommodate him, he would be forced to go outside the marriage. We're divorcing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

How old were the kids when the sex got good again?

Life is too short for a man to wait around with “sporadic sex for a few years”

That’s fine, but not everyone feels that way. It was worth it for us!

Same thing happened to me. It was just a bump in the road. Long term nbd.

I honestly think this goes back to male-focused sex. If men and women were acculturated into understanding that women’s desire is central to sex, it wouldn’t be that hard to understand the reality that it’s normal if sex decreases when you have young kids in the house. It’s just dispiriting that a man’s #1 priority is “all the sex I can get exactly when I want it!” instead of the family or relationship as a whole. Especially when we’re not talking about zero sex but sporadic sex (I’m assuming 2-3x/month).

Nice strawman. I reject “sporadic sex for years” and you interpret that as “all the sex I can get exactly when I want it”. How hard is it to find 20 minutes per week to sustain your marriage? Again I say: life is too short for monogamy with a selfish “sporadic” wife for years.

That's not a strawman argument. It's the crux of the problem.

So why is the wife automatically selfish in your eyes? What have you done to show her you love her? Do you listen to her and care for her? Or do you treat her like crap, criticize her all day then expect to get serviced? Because from your tone, you sound like a jerk who doesn't understand female desire. It's not about finding 20 minutes a week it's about feeling loved and cherished.

And what about love for goodness sake?? Don't you love her??

You also may be bad in bed. I love my husband. He treats me like a queen and is also amazing in the sack. We are so looking forward to the kids going back to school and our work from home days when we can really go for it during our lunch breaks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

How old were the kids when the sex got good again?

Life is too short for a man to wait around with “sporadic sex for a few years”

That’s fine, but not everyone feels that way. It was worth it for us!

Same thing happened to me. It was just a bump in the road. Long term nbd.

I honestly think this goes back to male-focused sex. If men and women were acculturated into understanding that women’s desire is central to sex, it wouldn’t be that hard to understand the reality that it’s normal if sex decreases when you have young kids in the house. It’s just dispiriting that a man’s #1 priority is “all the sex I can get exactly when I want it!” instead of the family or relationship as a whole. Especially when we’re not talking about zero sex but sporadic sex (I’m assuming 2-3x/month).

Nice strawman. I reject “sporadic sex for years” and you interpret that as “all the sex I can get exactly when I want it”. How hard is it to find 20 minutes per week to sustain your marriage? Again I say: life is too short for monogamy with a selfish “sporadic” wife for years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

How old were the kids when the sex got good again?

Life is too short for a man to wait around with “sporadic sex for a few years”

That’s fine, but not everyone feels that way. It was worth it for us!

Same thing happened to me. It was just a bump in the road. Long term nbd.

I honestly think this goes back to male-focused sex. If men and women were acculturated into understanding that women’s desire is central to sex, it wouldn’t be that hard to understand the reality that it’s normal if sex decreases when you have young kids in the house. It’s just dispiriting that a man’s #1 priority is “all the sex I can get exactly when I want it!” instead of the family or relationship as a whole. Especially when we’re not talking about zero sex but sporadic sex (I’m assuming 2-3x/month).

Agree about female desire and pleasure. Lots of guys have no clue how to satisfy a woman and aren't open to being taught.

Also, in lots of these posts- the men never mention love. It's not oh I love my wife so much she means the world to me I just want to have sex to rekindle our connection. No it's just temper tantrums from demanding man-toddlers who want to get their rocks off. So I can't imagine they are very loving husbands or honestly even any good in bed. The selfishness comes through loud and clear in these posts.

And if this offends you or makes you defensive-- you need to look hard in the mirror. I know your first instinct will be to lash out at me but some introspection is needed, my dude.

Get rid of the expectation of fidelity by the higher libido partner & I think some of the dysfunction over sexual expectations within the marriage would work itself out.

Yeah,
The focus our society puts ono sex is crazy.
I like sex. I like chocolate. I don't whine and complain if my DH doesn't bake me a chocolate cake everyday. Sometimes he does bake me something yummy but I certainly don't demand it or expect it just to happen everytime I want it. I think he would find that a real turnoff adn likely not want to do that for me anymore.
Similar to sex. If either one of us demanded it or gave an ultimatum I think that would kill the marriage long before a decrease in drive ever would. It is about understanding WHY the decrease is there, respecting when it is something you can't change (illness, workstress etc) and helping out when you can (not pulling your weight, weight gain, lack of sleep, not feeling appreciated etc)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

How old were the kids when the sex got good again?

Life is too short for a man to wait around with “sporadic sex for a few years”

That’s fine, but not everyone feels that way. It was worth it for us!

Same thing happened to me. It was just a bump in the road. Long term nbd.

I honestly think this goes back to male-focused sex. If men and women were acculturated into understanding that women’s desire is central to sex, it wouldn’t be that hard to understand the reality that it’s normal if sex decreases when you have young kids in the house. It’s just dispiriting that a man’s #1 priority is “all the sex I can get exactly when I want it!” instead of the family or relationship as a whole. Especially when we’re not talking about zero sex but sporadic sex (I’m assuming 2-3x/month).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

How old were the kids when the sex got good again?

Life is too short for a man to wait around with “sporadic sex for a few years”

That’s fine, but not everyone feels that way. It was worth it for us!

Same thing happened to me. It was just a bump in the road. Long term nbd.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

How old were the kids when the sex got good again?

Life is too short for a man to wait around with “sporadic sex for a few years”

That’s fine, but not everyone feels that way. It was worth it for us!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

How old were the kids when the sex got good again?

Life is too short for a man to wait around with “sporadic sex for a few years”

boy them’s some great family values you have!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

How old were the kids when the sex got good again?

Well to be clear the sex was always good…it was just irregular. When the youngest was 3 we began to make it happen every day, with the exception of illness/cramps etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

Speak for yourself. I'm a woman in my mid 50s and I really crave novelty. I'd take it with my husband, but he likes to do things the exact same way every time. We're way too familiar with each other. Doesn't help me at all

Oh honey that's not novelty you crave. Your husband is selfish and bad in bed. The bolded means he is NOT a good lover.

I tend to agree. DH and I do it the exact way every single time and have for years (well, one of two ways: our laying down routine and our shower routine). I am surprised to say it hasn’t gotten old after, like 12 years when we fell into this routine. I know a lot of women do really crave novelty and that is totally normal, but I find myself happy with doing the same old thing again and again, probably because we are both so satisfied at the end. DH would do anything I asked for and I do anything he asks for. I think that novelty can be hot and make up for something you would otherwise want, like lots of foreplay, but I’m not sure people know that they could really be content with doing the exact same thing over and over again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

How old were the kids when the sex got good again?

Life is too short for a man to wait around with “sporadic sex for a few years”

Anonymous wrote:We only had sporadic sex for a few years during the little kid stage. DH never gave an ultimatum, likely because I had a lot of work/parent/kid stress going on.

Anyways, he waited it out and now we have sex every day. It’s fabulous. I’m so thankful that he didn’t whine or try to have a serious talk about it - that’s just so unattractive.

How old were the kids when the sex got good again?