Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has zero drive. The last time I tried to have sex with him it did feel like I was molesting him. I stopped and have been loathe to initiate again. It’s been a year and a half. I don’t think he’s noticed.

You haven't figured out that he's gay, have you.

Anonymous wrote:My husband has zero drive. The last time I tried to have sex with him it did feel like I was molesting him. I stopped and have been loathe to initiate again. It’s been a year and a half. I don’t think he’s noticed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

From someone who had lost desire (but got it back with new man), for me anyway, it's not that I was indifferent to sex...it was that it actually felt violative, rapey, repulsive. To have someone penetrate you when your hormones are saying "no!" just made me feel so used. None of this makes sense to the person who still has a sex drive, I know. And I'm not defending it -- it's usually the deathknell of a marriage if sex still matters to one spouse. Just explaining that you can't equate it to any old chore. It's so much more primal than that, in a negative way.

Truth

Anonymous wrote:My husband has zero drive. The last time I tried to have sex with him it did feel like I was molesting him. I stopped and have been loathe to initiate again. It’s been a year and a half. I don’t think he’s noticed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

From someone who had lost desire (but got it back with new man), for me anyway, it's not that I was indifferent to sex...it was that it actually felt violative, rapey, repulsive. To have someone penetrate you when your hormones are saying "no!" just made me feel so used. None of this makes sense to the person who still has a sex drive, I know. And I'm not defending it -- it's usually the deathknell of a marriage if sex still matters to one spouse. Just explaining that you can't equate it to any old chore. It's so much more primal than that, in a negative way.

Truth

Again I say to any wife who is with a husband you resent and sex feels violative, rapey, repulsive..... stand up, find the door, and JUST LEAVE already !! Do not stay with a man you despise. That is not a sex or desire or libido thing at all.

Oh wait you are still there? Then grant him a hall pass, otherwise suck it up buttercup. Chose carefully because nobody likes a complainer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

From someone who had lost desire (but got it back with new man), for me anyway, it's not that I was indifferent to sex...it was that it actually felt violative, rapey, repulsive. To have someone penetrate you when your hormones are saying "no!" just made me feel so used. None of this makes sense to the person who still has a sex drive, I know. And I'm not defending it -- it's usually the deathknell of a marriage if sex still matters to one spouse. Just explaining that you can't equate it to any old chore. It's so much more primal than that, in a negative way.

Truth

Anonymous wrote:It is not rare for men with active sex lives to cheat. Cheating is about opportunity more often that it's about need.
(Look, I'll out myself as someone who had sex with married men twenty years ago. I haven't since I was 25 and I know how terrible it is, but I can't undo it. I am sharing this to shut up all the men who claim that they only cheat because they're desperate). They were all crazy about their wives, and had very active sex lives. Shared all the details with me. They had sex with me because they could. Because it was exciting. Because of the novelty. And FWIW, back then I wouldn't have had sex with a guy like the whiners in this thread. Desperation isn't hot on single men, and it certainly isn't appealing on men who are cheating on their wives. Maybe these desperate sexless husbands who cheat are cheating with desperate sexless wives, because I can promise you that a single woman who only cares about fun and her own pleasure to the extent that she'll even sleep with a married man, is going to be completely turned off by a man as bitter and resentful as the ones here.

Anonymous wrote:It is not rare for men with active sex lives to cheat. Cheating is about opportunity more often that it's about need.
(Look, I'll out myself as someone who had sex with married men twenty years ago. I haven't since I was 25 and I know how terrible it is, but I can't undo it. I am sharing this to shut up all the men who claim that they only cheat because they're desperate). They were all crazy about their wives, and had very active sex lives. Shared all the details with me. They had sex with me because they could. Because it was exciting. Because of the novelty. And FWIW, back then I wouldn't have had sex with a guy like the whiners in this thread. Desperation isn't hot on single men, and it certainly isn't appealing on men who are cheating on their wives. Maybe these desperate sexless husbands who cheat are cheating with desperate sexless wives, because I can promise you that a single woman who only cares about fun and her own pleasure to the extent that she'll even sleep with a married man, is going to be completely turned off by a man as bitter and resentful as the ones here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

From someone who had lost desire (but got it back with new man), for me anyway, it's not that I was indifferent to sex...it was that it actually felt violative, rapey, repulsive. To have someone penetrate you when your hormones are saying "no!" just made me feel so used. None of this makes sense to the person who still has a sex drive, I know. And I'm not defending it -- it's usually the deathknell of a marriage if sex still matters to one spouse. Just explaining that you can't equate it to any old chore. It's so much more primal than that, in a negative way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.