Anonymous
02/06/2021 10:16
Subject: Re:Husband making comments about my dad's will
I think your DH could have been more tactful about it but I don't interpret his comments as coming only from a place of greed but rather of practicality. Everyone on this thread who has been through a similar situation is telling you that there could be major complications down the line if you don't know what your parents wishes are and what they have planned in the event of their death. It's not just about the inheritance (though I can tell you my mother would roll over in her grave if she knew her money was going to my dad's new wife after he died).
For example, do you know who is designated to make health decisions in the event he is unable? If it's you, do you know his wishes? Does he have money set aside for healthcare, funeral expenses, etc? Is there a burial plot? All of these things are important and could save you a lot of heartache later when you are having to duke it out with the new wife. Let me give you a personal experience. When my grandfather died, my dad was at the funeral home with my step-grandmother (they were married 8 years) and when the funeral director asked how the bill would be paid, she said, without ever mentioning it to my dad, that they would be splitting it 50/50. My dad was very taken aback but in the throes of grief, went along with it and paid half. Come to find out years later, my grandfather took out a life insurance policy to pay for those expenses and SHE was the beneficiary. The money that was used to pay my dad's half of those expenses was also my mother's money. So unless you and your husband have separate finances, this IS his business too.
For example, do you know who is designated to make health decisions in the event he is unable? If it's you, do you know his wishes? Does he have money set aside for healthcare, funeral expenses, etc? Is there a burial plot? All of these things are important and could save you a lot of heartache later when you are having to duke it out with the new wife. Let me give you a personal experience. When my grandfather died, my dad was at the funeral home with my step-grandmother (they were married 8 years) and when the funeral director asked how the bill would be paid, she said, without ever mentioning it to my dad, that they would be splitting it 50/50. My dad was very taken aback but in the throes of grief, went along with it and paid half. Come to find out years later, my grandfather took out a life insurance policy to pay for those expenses and SHE was the beneficiary. The money that was used to pay my dad's half of those expenses was also my mother's money. So unless you and your husband have separate finances, this IS his business too.
Anonymous
02/06/2021 09:16
Subject: Re:Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I posted here because I literally have no one else to talk to about this. I know for a fact that if I tell anyone in my family they will think less of my husband. No matter how I tell the story, showing concern about your family’s share in a living person’s will just isn’t a good look in my family. I can’t tell my dad - he has been through enough. I feel like I have eaten all my feelings and now they are eating me. Hence the attempt to unload. Thank you to everyone who offered compassion and balanced advise. Some of the posts were truly though provoking, even if I didn’t agree with them.
I have decided that asking my dad about his will goes against who I am - but I also understand from folks who have posted here that those are not everyone’s values. People have different perspectives on life - that’s how life works. I feel more accepting of my husband and how he might evaluate the situation. We are not the same person, and that’s ok.
You are either a troll or just someone verrryyyyy condescending. Seriously, people on here post all the time about talking to elderly parents about their finances. It is sometimes uncomfortable and awkward but a necessary part of life. Dying without a will can lead to all kinds of unnecessary complications.
It’s a part of caring for your parent to make it clear what their end of life financial AND medical wishes are. Unless someone has a history of trying to grab your daddy’s assets why would you assume the worst about your husband? Why would you assume that other people have ‘ different’ values because they know it is imperative to handle this aspect of life? Or that it is dictating what a grown man like your dad is supposed to do?
All you had to say to your husband was’ nope, did not discuss and I don’t feel comfortable doing so’, but I get why you asked’
But no, you make it about him being wrong and your are a much better person. Seriously, get over yourself.
I said people have different perspectives on life not that one perspective is better. I also didn’t say one set of values is better - some people may value being practical more others may value emotional aspects. A number of posts here pointed that out. I didn’t understand why it’s condescending to say what I said but agree to disagree. Again, thanks to posters who helped.
Anonymous
02/06/2021 09:00
Subject: Re:Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I posted here because I literally have no one else to talk to about this. I know for a fact that if I tell anyone in my family they will think less of my husband. No matter how I tell the story, showing concern about your family’s share in a living person’s will just isn’t a good look in my family. I can’t tell my dad - he has been through enough. I feel like I have eaten all my feelings and now they are eating me. Hence the attempt to unload. Thank you to everyone who offered compassion and balanced advise. Some of the posts were truly though provoking, even if I didn’t agree with them.
I have decided that asking my dad about his will goes against who I am - but I also understand from folks who have posted here that those are not everyone’s values. People have different perspectives on life - that’s how life works. I feel more accepting of my husband and how he might evaluate the situation. We are not the same person, and that’s ok.
You are either a troll or just someone verrryyyyy condescending. Seriously, people on here post all the time about talking to elderly parents about their finances. It is sometimes uncomfortable and awkward but a necessary part of life. Dying without a will can lead to all kinds of unnecessary complications.
It’s a part of caring for your parent to make it clear what their end of life financial AND medical wishes are. Unless someone has a history of trying to grab your daddy’s assets why would you assume the worst about your husband? Why would you assume that other people have ‘ different’ values because they know it is imperative to handle this aspect of life? Or that it is dictating what a grown man like your dad is supposed to do?
All you had to say to your husband was’ nope, did not discuss and I don’t feel comfortable doing so’, but I get why you asked’
But no, you make it about him being wrong and your are a much better person. Seriously, get over yourself.
Anonymous
02/05/2021 22:09
Subject: Re:Husband making comments about my dad's will
OP here.
I posted here because I literally have no one else to talk to about this. I know for a fact that if I tell anyone in my family they will think less of my husband. No matter how I tell the story, showing concern about your family’s share in a living person’s will just isn’t a good look in my family. I can’t tell my dad - he has been through enough. I feel like I have eaten all my feelings and now they are eating me. Hence the attempt to unload. Thank you to everyone who offered compassion and balanced advise. Some of the posts were truly though provoking, even if I didn’t agree with them.
I have decided that asking my dad about his will goes against who I am - but I also understand from folks who have posted here that those are not everyone’s values. People have different perspectives on life - that’s how life works. I feel more accepting of my husband and how he might evaluate the situation. We are not the same person, and that’s ok.
I posted here because I literally have no one else to talk to about this. I know for a fact that if I tell anyone in my family they will think less of my husband. No matter how I tell the story, showing concern about your family’s share in a living person’s will just isn’t a good look in my family. I can’t tell my dad - he has been through enough. I feel like I have eaten all my feelings and now they are eating me. Hence the attempt to unload. Thank you to everyone who offered compassion and balanced advise. Some of the posts were truly though provoking, even if I didn’t agree with them.
I have decided that asking my dad about his will goes against who I am - but I also understand from folks who have posted here that those are not everyone’s values. People have different perspectives on life - that’s how life works. I feel more accepting of my husband and how he might evaluate the situation. We are not the same person, and that’s ok.
Anonymous
02/05/2021 21:53
Subject: Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:I guess your husband asked because you did not.
Older parents and finances are something to be considered.
If your husband has not been trying to get your father’s money all this time why would you not understand that this was a question out of concern and Not greed.
I didn’t ask because I didn’t see it as my place to ask. For reference, my husbands parents are in their late 70s and have still not created a will. They mentioned that to me once and asked my advice - I did tell them that if they don’t create a will it leads to a lot of complications downstream. That’s is. I’ve never brought up the will again and never will. I’ve already given them my best advise.
Anonymous
02/05/2021 21:48
Subject: Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:One thing that may matter is whether some of the money your dad now has comes from your mom's earnings or her family's money. If so, who would she want inheriting that money when your dad dies and is that how the will is set up?
After my mother’s death, her assets went to my father. My father’s will currently divides his assets 50/50 between the two children. If he wants to make a change to that, it’s up to him. I will wait for him to tell me so and respect his decision on what to do with his and my mother’s money. Again, I’m just not sure I have a right to my mother’s money or his money especially because my mother willed it to him.
Anonymous
02/05/2021 21:11
Subject: Husband making comments about my dad's will
One thing that may matter is whether some of the money your dad now has comes from your mom's earnings or her family's money. If so, who would she want inheriting that money when your dad dies and is that how the will is set up?
Anonymous
02/05/2021 20:24
Subject: Husband making comments about my dad's will
I guess your husband asked because you did not.
Older parents and finances are something to be considered.
If your husband has not been trying to get your father’s money all this time why would you not understand that this was a question out of concern and Not greed.
Older parents and finances are something to be considered.
If your husband has not been trying to get your father’s money all this time why would you not understand that this was a question out of concern and Not greed.
Anonymous
02/05/2021 17:42
Subject: Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:
My mom has always said that a man takes care of the kids of the woman he is having sex with - whether they are his kids or not. I’ve seen this play out time and time again over my 40+ years.
Sage words. I've seen this play out in my 50+ years as well.
Same. This has happened to 3 of my friends in the last 2 years. Dad's new wife inherited everything, and a couple wouldn't even let the kids have some sentimental family items.
Anonymous
02/05/2021 17:28
Subject: Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What in the world is wrong with making sure that the money stays in the family? Money that was earned by the parents. Money is freedom and time. It's not about greed.
I come from a family of means going back generations. The money is preserved for future generations purposefully. It's not about greed. There is not lavish spending. It's about respect for those who left it and it's about security for the family who has survived them.
It not your place to tell your parents what they do with their money.
+1
And definitely not OP's DH's place to tell his FIL (from whom he would not inherit) what to do with his money.
I am not saying OP should tell her dad what to do. I am saying OP should not be naive. She needs to have a conversation with her dad about it.
And no, the stepmom and kids are NOT family at this age when it comes to generational wealth. That money was OP's mom's too.
She can have all the conversations she wants. Dad is going to dance to the tunes of the woman he’s currently sleeping with.
That maybe, but that would be my dad's choice. I am just not sure I agree with treating grown men like they are kids, and that we need to make sure they do this or that. Early on I did raise with my dad the possibility of him rushing into things and not thinking things through. He told me he had in fact thought things through and that being with someone who was close to the family already will mean that my mother's memory remains alive. I happen to agree, but even if I didn't at some point you have to respect other people's choice in doing what makes them happy. Disagree but commit.
Anonymous
02/05/2021 17:18
Subject: Re:Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
...
With regard to my father's new wife - she is a friend of the family. We have known her for a long time.
But in your first post you said:
Anonymous wrote:
To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."
None of this makes sense.
Thank you. I don't know if this is a Troll or not. She was never a friend of the family if that's true, lol. You don't hit on your friends, nor marry them.
If your mother recently died last year then when the heck did they start dating OP? While your mother was still alive and sick?
Her husband I suspect is disgusted as most would be if all this is true. Yes maybe "dad" knew her a long time....
I am having trouble understanding your assumptions. I really like my new step mother. I have known her for a long time. She was divorced when I was a teenager and brought up her two boys on her own. Both boys are successful professionals now. My mother died mid-year last year. How long people date is varies and not to mention culturally dependent. Some people date for years and decide not to marry, some people date for 3 months and decide to tie the knot. I have seen both kinds of marriage succeed and fail.
I made the point in my original post that my mother's family have given their blessings. "Disgusted" is a strong word in any context, but especially in this one.
NP. You seem articulate and compassionate...but you’re losing me at the above where you say you don’t understand the assumptions. PP is clearly implying your dad was having an affair with this woman while your mom was ill. You know that’s what they’re implying.
Oh I see it now. The double quote on the last sentence should have been on "knew" not on dad. I was wondering what the double meaning of dad might be. This advise isn't really useful to me, unfortunately.
But now that I understand it, it does serve the purpose of being amusing.
Anonymous
02/05/2021 17:15
Subject: Re:Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
...
With regard to my father's new wife - she is a friend of the family. We have known her for a long time.
But in your first post you said:
Anonymous wrote:
To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."
None of this makes sense.
Thank you. I don't know if this is a Troll or not. She was never a friend of the family if that's true, lol. You don't hit on your friends, nor marry them.
If your mother recently died last year then when the heck did they start dating OP? While your mother was still alive and sick?
Her husband I suspect is disgusted as most would be if all this is true. Yes maybe "dad" knew her a long time....
I am having trouble understanding your assumptions. I really like my new step mother. I have known her for a long time. She was divorced when I was a teenager and brought up her two boys on her own. Both boys are successful professionals now. My mother died mid-year last year. How long people date is varies and not to mention culturally dependent. Some people date for years and decide not to marry, some people date for 3 months and decide to tie the knot. I have seen both kinds of marriage succeed and fail.
I made the point in my original post that my mother's family have given their blessings. "Disgusted" is a strong word in any context, but especially in this one.
NP. You seem articulate and compassionate...but you’re losing me at the above where you say you don’t understand the assumptions. PP is clearly implying your dad was having an affair with this woman while your mom was ill. You know that’s what they’re implying.
Oh I see it now. The double quote on the last sentence should have been on "knew" not on dad. I was wondering what the double meaning of dad might be. This advise isn't really useful to me, unfortunately.
Anonymous
02/05/2021 17:12
Subject: Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:tell him that you expect nothing from your father's estate. I have family that is banking on something while I am taking care of my own finances so I don't have to worry about that.
It is your father's estate, he can donate it all to some charity or leave it all to the new wife. bottom line is your husband is looking for a payday.
+1
How much are we talking, OP?
I am not comfortable sharing amounts, sorry. It isn't pittance, or the conversation would not have come up.
Why? I dont get this. You shared much more info than that. Nobody here knows you so why not?
Agree to disagree. Love, OP
Anonymous
02/05/2021 17:09
Subject: Re:Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
...
With regard to my father's new wife - she is a friend of the family. We have known her for a long time.
But in your first post you said:
Anonymous wrote:
To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."
None of this makes sense.
Thank you. I don't know if this is a Troll or not. She was never a friend of the family if that's true, lol. You don't hit on your friends, nor marry them.
If your mother recently died last year then when the heck did they start dating OP? While your mother was still alive and sick?
Her husband I suspect is disgusted as most would be if all this is true. Yes maybe "dad" knew her a long time....
I am having trouble understanding your assumptions. I really like my new step mother. I have known her for a long time. She was divorced when I was a teenager and brought up her two boys on her own. Both boys are successful professionals now. My mother died mid-year last year. How long people date is varies and not to mention culturally dependent. Some people date for years and decide not to marry, some people date for 3 months and decide to tie the knot. I have seen both kinds of marriage succeed and fail.
I made the point in my original post that my mother's family have given their blessings. "Disgusted" is a strong word in any context, but especially in this one.
NP. You seem articulate and compassionate...but you’re losing me at the above where you say you don’t understand the assumptions. PP is clearly implying your dad was having an affair with this woman while your mom was ill. You know that’s what they’re implying.
Anonymous
02/05/2021 16:55
Subject: Re:Husband making comments about my dad's will
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
...
With regard to my father's new wife - she is a friend of the family. We have known her for a long time.
But in your first post you said:
Anonymous wrote:
To add to it all, the other day my husband asked me with a smirk how old my new step mother is and whether she is that much older than us. (she is 58, my dad is 68). I just said, "I don't know, I have not asked."
None of this makes sense.
Thank you. I don't know if this is a Troll or not. She was never a friend of the family if that's true, lol. You don't hit on your friends, nor marry them.
If your mother recently died last year then when the heck did they start dating OP? While your mother was still alive and sick?
Her husband I suspect is disgusted as most would be if all this is true. Yes maybe "dad" knew her a long time....
I am having trouble understanding your assumptions. I really like my new step mother. I have known her for a long time. She was divorced when I was a teenager and brought up her two boys on her own. Both boys are successful professionals now. My mother died mid-year last year. How long people date is varies and not to mention culturally dependent. Some people date for years and decide not to marry, some people date for 3 months and decide to tie the knot. I have seen both kinds of marriage succeed and fail.
I made the point in my original post that my mother's family have given their blessings. "Disgusted" is a strong word in any context, but especially in this one.