Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, sorry PP, keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. I’m an alpha woman who initiated an affair with a married man because I could, not because I am lacking in self-esteem or self-worth. I definitely don’t “feel low” about myself, but it’s not worth explaining to you because you won’t believe me, regardless. Whatever helps you sleep at night!

- 30 year old who makes $350k/ year in finance and can date any guy I want

I went to a highly regarded business school and the women I know in finance are all single and not by choice. I’m confused as to why you think that is something men care about. Prob 80% of what matters to them is appearance.

That's a failure with how Americans people value women and not a reflection of the woman.

Not from my experience. Many of these women won't marry a teacher or a SAHD.

That's a failure with how American people value men.

Sure, but it 100% goes both ways. Two sides of the same coin.

Definitely goes both ways. Many men don't want a woman who out-earns them - they feel emasculated. They might consider it if she's skinny and hot, but it's not preferable.

And my single female friends who are older and successful, in turn, would never even date a blue-collar guy or one who makes $60K at a nonprofit.

Very sad. You are a homewrecker with no morals or values. You have the attitude of a female Epstein and Weinstein. It is not attractive.

Anonymous wrote:^ yep. Cheaters cheat due to unaddressed childhood trauma most often. Hurt people hurt their innocent spouses by acting out this way.

Every therapist we met said this.

And the cheaters continue the cycle leaving their innocent kids and spouse hurting.

They should have gone into therapy before crossing the line...

^ yep. Cheaters cheat due to unaddressed childhood trauma most often. Hurt people hurt their innocent spouses by acting out this way.

Every therapist we met said this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I sent the email.

I said in the email I would prefer he not respond but I thought he should know.

I really did not GAF if he was beating her or this would make her life miserable. If she was really in danger, leave.

I didn't marry you, I don't have to care about your needs or your life, I made no commitment to you.... just like you did not marry me and you do not care about me, my needs and my life.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with the pain of this OP. My heart goes out to you and I wish you well.

I'm not dealing with pain, not sure where you got that. I deal with truth, I believe in radical honesty (google it). I think he deserves to know, so I told him. It's as simple as that. I was not mad or bitter or "in pain" (Im not OP).

Lying is very unhealthy for people, gaslighting etc, he deserves the truth about his life.

I'm PP and you don't sound like someone who is not in pain to me but what do I know. I apologize for saying something you felt was out of line. I was trying to be nice. I will leave it alone.

Of course she's in pain. Hurting people hurt people, which is the theme of this entire thread.

Exactly.

OP- go Lionel Richie on their @sses. “Drop kick” both of them. Ha!

I think when you cheat and are found out you have RIGHTFULLY lost control of the narrative.

The victims can do whatever the hell they want when they find out...you know just like the cheaters did when they were f@cking each other.

OP - you do what you need to do.

Personally, I think these people that don’t want to know their health is at risk or their kids security are stupid. Their spouses will end up divorcing them when kids leave for college and finding out earlier they could have prepared and moved on.

I can’t imagine burying my head in the sand.

Also, when people end up discovering infidelity there is often rock bottom that propels big changes in positive ways after therapy. Many couples grow much closer after going through this. Without knowing, spouse will continue to them to someone else and devalue the marriage.

You can’t rebuild when somebody is holding a secret this big.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Sending a letter like that makes YOU look crazy.

Completely depends on the tone.

Wrong. I have gotten one of these letters when I had broken it off when an ex-fiancee to say he had been cheating on me for more than a year. The tone was nice "women sticking out for women" bull. I was really angry. I would have preferred not to get such a letter. I was very upset someone thought they had the right to but into my life. People should mind their own business. No one has any idea what goes on in someone's relationship and they have no right to "out" anyone. It is not their business. Despite her nice tone, I thought the woman was a nutcase.

I think in this situation when the marriages have been over 20 years in length and there are children involved on both sides, it's VERY DIFFERENT than a person you weren't even married to yet. You cannot begin to understand the ramifications of the cheater's actions.

NP. I think this is all the more reason NOT to tell. I'm currently divorcing DH bc I found out he cheated. I'm losing everything -- friends, family, financial security, companionship, my home. I would've rather stayed ignorant, and that's not up for debate.

PP here...and this is exactly why I think people should not get involved. People would not necessarily divorce...and sometimes divorce is not for the best if the spouse felt fine not knowing about the cheating. I personally would not want to know if I was happy in the marriage otherwise. A lot of affairs are not caught and there are many reasons to be married--not just sex. But some people can't get past the cheating and end up divorced and are worse off than if they did not know. Not everyone wants to know...I agree with you.

Anonymous wrote:Would you send via email or certified letter (signature required)? It was a multi-year affair, unprotected sex. He deserves to know.

Go to their house and light em up in person!!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending a letter like that makes YOU look crazy.

Completely depends on the tone.

Wrong. I have gotten one of these letters when I had broken it off when an ex-fiancee to say he had been cheating on me for more than a year. The tone was nice "women sticking out for women" bull. I was really angry. I would have preferred not to get such a letter. I was very upset someone thought they had the right to but into my life. People should mind their own business. No one has any idea what goes on in someone's relationship and they have no right to "out" anyone. It is not their business. Despite her nice tone, I thought the woman was a nutcase.

I think in this situation when the marriages have been over 20 years in length and there are children involved on both sides, it's VERY DIFFERENT than a person you weren't even married to yet. You cannot begin to understand the ramifications of the cheater's actions.

NP. I think this is all the more reason NOT to tell. I'm currently divorcing DH bc I found out he cheated. I'm losing everything -- friends, family, financial security, companionship, my home. I would've rather stayed ignorant, and that's not up for debate.

I am in the same situation, but wish I had known sooner. Most likely, I will never recover financially or socially, but I would rather know the truth and deal with the upheaval than live my life with someone who could betray me that way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending a letter like that makes YOU look crazy.

Completely depends on the tone.

Wrong. I have gotten one of these letters when I had broken it off when an ex-fiancee to say he had been cheating on me for more than a year. The tone was nice "women sticking out for women" bull. I was really angry. I would have preferred not to get such a letter. I was very upset someone thought they had the right to but into my life. People should mind their own business. No one has any idea what goes on in someone's relationship and they have no right to "out" anyone. It is not their business. Despite her nice tone, I thought the woman was a nutcase.

I think in this situation when the marriages have been over 20 years in length and there are children involved on both sides, it's VERY DIFFERENT than a person you weren't even married to yet. You cannot begin to understand the ramifications of the cheater's actions.

NP. I think this is all the more reason NOT to tell. I'm currently divorcing DH bc I found out he cheated. I'm losing everything -- friends, family, financial security, companionship, my home. I would've rather stayed ignorant, and that's not up for debate.

Anonymous wrote:(Archer voice)

"Do you want to start violence, because this is how you start violence"

Disagree. It's not the letter that starts it...it's finding out somebody was screwing your spouse. That's one sh*t erupts. Ask Elin, Tiger's wife, ask Lionel Richie's wife...watch any dateline with the betrayed spouse going for blood against the cheaters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, sorry PP, keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. I’m an alpha woman who initiated an affair with a married man because I could, not because I am lacking in self-esteem or self-worth. I definitely don’t “feel low” about myself, but it’s not worth explaining to you because you won’t believe me, regardless. Whatever helps you sleep at night!

- 30 year old who makes $350k/ year in finance and can date any guy I want

I went to a highly regarded business school and the women I know in finance are all single and not by choice. I’m confused as to why you think that is something men care about. Prob 80% of what matters to them is appearance.

That's a failure with how Americans people value women and not a reflection of the woman.

Not from my experience. Many of these women won't marry a teacher or a SAHD.

That's a failure with how American people value men.

Sure, but it 100% goes both ways. Two sides of the same coin.

Definitely goes both ways. Many men don't want a woman who out-earns them - they feel emasculated. They might consider it if she's skinny and hot, but it's not preferable.

And my single female friends who are older and successful, in turn, would never even date a blue-collar guy or one who makes $60K at a nonprofit.

(Archer voice)

"Do you want to start violence, because this is how you start violence"

No, anyone can be a nutcase. Lots of cheated on men and women who lose their minds.

Cheating is painful. Takes a lot of work to get past it in the least damaging way possible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending a letter like that makes YOU look crazy.

Completely depends on the tone.

Wrong. I have gotten one of these letters when I had broken it off when an ex-fiancee to say he had been cheating on me for more than a year. The tone was nice "women sticking out for women" bull. I was really angry. I would have preferred not to get such a letter. I was very upset someone thought they had the right to but into my life. People should mind their own business. No one has any idea what goes on in someone's relationship and they have no right to "out" anyone. It is not their business. Despite her nice tone, I thought the woman was a nutcase.

Wrong it was OP's married gf and her no good husband that brought ALL of them into their lives. At that point it's everyone's business because kids, finances, and health issues could be involved. If you want too talks about "rights", it wasn't their right to cheat on their spouses and kids putting everyone into that situation.

The only nutcases are the cheaters, not the ones exposing them. OP needs to call him or send a short letter, but yes he should know.

Bingo