Anonymous wrote:I was adopted by people who, for reasons I still don't totally understand, rejected me. I love them, I've known no other parents but them, and unfortunately, their rejection holds the ability to hurt me for the rest of my life. I remember feeling loved for a few short years, maybe until I was 5 or so. For the remainder of my childhood, I had no conscious understanding of being rejected. In hindsight, it was clear I was not what they wanted or expected, and that my adoptive mother, in particular, resented everything that had to do with me and the other child she adopted a few years before me—my sibling by adoption, but not by blood.

By age 10, I became despondent and suicidal. The first 10 years of my life, I was the model child: intelligent, well-behaved, talented, easy going, academically gifted. The next 7 years I spent validating my mother's dislike of me. And ultimately, I internalized her view, believing I was broken, ungrateful, and in need of repair. Thankfully, I was able to get away to college by 17, and never moved back home full time. In my second year, I took an apartment off campus, and so began my adult life. I visited my parents occasionally, and seemed to be chasing after their attention and approval. My calls home usually went unreturned for days, sometimes my birthday was forgotten, and I continued to try to toughen up, and seek love elsewhere. Fortunately, I met my husband not long after college, and have been blessed with an amazing marriage and two incredible children of my own. Sadly, my adopted sibling has not been able to find happiness in adulthood, and lives a marginal existence of homelessness, unemployment, and violent tendencies, though my sibling, also, was blessed with intelligence and charm. Said sibling cannot sustain functional behaviors for extended periods of time.

My outcast status is complete within my adoptive family. Occasionally, I learn of a death, or a wedding, or a child being born, usually by googling family names, and stumbling across an obituary that mentions survivors, spouses, and grandchildren. I spent my childhood being the bastard at the family reunion, only I was oblivious to that reality. In hindsight, I've been able to figure this out. I now have my own family, I am loved, and I have a place where I belong. I wish I could turn off the love I have for my parents, but it remains a thorn in my side. I am sorry they could never know the joys of loving the children they "raised." (Sibling and I were left to our own devices so much of the time, I barely survived childhood.) I am stung by the easily flowing love and affection my mother has for her biological family. She admitted to me in adulthood that she always considered me to be damaged goods. I am sad that my kids have only one set of grandparents, but grateful that they are shielded from the toxicity that I grew up with.

For some reason, topics on adoption seem to usually focus on the adoptive parents or the biological parents, but not on the kids. I thought my story might be of some relevance. Lastly, I did find my biological mother many years ago; she told me to never contact her again.

Anonymous wrote:So much negativity in this forum. I feel like it is fashionable to critique adoption, rather than celebrate the love.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are over 120,000 children waiting to be adopted. Most of these are older children, which means 6 or older. I adopted a teenager 2 years ago. It has been a big challenge. Kids in foster care have been through a lot. Before you adopt you need to know what to expect. An adopted child brings a lot of past hurt with them. There will be problems. You should be able to deal with them. I am still glad I adopted. I wish I would have known more about what to expect. fri2002bc@aol.com

You clearly have a big heart. Strength and good wishes to your family.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes we adopt for the wrong reasons and then regret it . I did. I will have to live with this quilt forever. The child is not 4yrs old and i still have not bonded with her. I have tried, but it is not in my heart. She is very active and demanding and i get very depressed and anxious and feel so much regret as to how i am stuck with her. I did not think it was going to go this way... she was so cute as a baby but soon drained me !!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Do you regret having kids?" be asked of parents with bio children? I'm sure there are parents who wish they'd never had kids.

Actually, bio parents cannot blame anyone, and do not regret that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an adoptee, adopted at birth and I have always known. My birth mom tried to abort me and failed. I ended up with a great home, wonderful parents and am a well adjusted new mom myself (bio kid). I am closer to my mom than anyone else and couldnt be happier. I wanted to adopt too, but DH was afraid.

Wow, you sound strange.
You describe your first mother as a person who wanted an abortion, speak of your adoptive parents with gratitude
That is the difference between adoptees and non-adaptees. We are not made to feel we must be grateful, and love our mothers even though had a tough time years and years ago and tried to get an abortion and failed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The baby is supposed to cure the adoptive parents of the trauma of infertility - impossible
The newborn misses its own mother - it is called the primal wound. The baby knows it is with a caretaker it does not know.
Adoptive parents are jealous of the bio parents, the kid is made to feel guilty, when it wants to search the parents are against it. This results in some cases even in blackmail. i.e. They did not want you, we raised you
Sometimes society is negative toward adoption. You stay as the adopted cousin

Are you really this ignorant, or are you just pretending!!!

I think what she said is true. I know someone who is adopted who is now 5o yrs old and her adoptive mother refuses to even discuss her adoption. Her adopted brother did not know he was adopted (4 yrs. younger than my friend) until he was grown because adoptive mother was so afraid they might want to locate biological mother. Adoptive mother was, and still is, jealous and she is 80 yrs. old!

Anonymous wrote:I am an adoptive parent and am happy that I adopted instead of having a biological child. I really believe that a biological child of my own would not be as perfect as the child I adopted.

I do know from being around many adoption list servs and message boards that yes, there are plenty of adoptive parents who regret adopting and there are plenty of birthparents who regret relinquishing their child for adoption.

I also know several people IRL who regret the biological children they had and are raising.

Anonymous wrote:The baby is supposed to cure the adoptive parents of the trauma of infertility - impossible
The newborn misses its own mother - it is called the primal wound. The baby knows it is with a caretaker it does not know.
Adoptive parents are jealous of the bio parents, the kid is made to feel guilty, when it wants to search the parents are against it. This results in some cases even in blackmail. i.e. They did not want you, we raised you
Sometimes society is negative toward adoption. You stay as the adopted cousin

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoption does not always work out. It is in the best interests of the adoptive parents, and the bio, but there are not guarantees that the child will be happy.

Biological parenting doesn't always work out either. How many peo
plus 1. FWiW, I am an extremely fortunate adoptive parent with the "perfect" child for me. LOVE!!!