Anonymous
04/01/2020 08:09
Subject: Re:Serious relationship with divorced dad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries
Yes she does. If my daughter can't stand my GF for whatever reason, I am certainly not going to marry her. I put DD first every time.
Divorced dad
Ugh. I’m so glad I’m dating a man who says, My kids don’t get veto power over who I date. They are kids.
Luckily his kids seem to like me
Date =/= marry
Anonymous
04/01/2020 00:55
Subject: Serious relationship with divorced dad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I bet OP frequently comes up with reasons to drop by, like the computer cord, which turn into entire evenings spent at Dad’s house.
Dad is probably also annoyed by the clinginess and lack of boundaries, but doesn’t know how to tell OP. Daughter picks up on that and is behaving accordingly.
09:40 here. This is exactly what happened in my situation. And frankly, my daughter saw clearly. Ex-GF wasn’t a bad person but she was definitely clingy and definitely had her own long-term agenda about “moving forward” that was more unilaterally developed than she probably wanted to admit to herself.
To 09:40, so glad to hear there are very same dad's out there! I'm a divorced mom with an elementary kid and really truly only seek out the kind of relationship you originally had in mind. All amongst my divorced female friends I see these forced drip-truth blendings of families. IMHO part of the casual gf turning into this constant visitor is because women 37+ get their friends and family talking about a oh so romantic move-forward 24/7 as soon as divorced-dad bf material moves into the realm. Ask me how I know. Even my ex-freakin MIL was blibber-blabbering about how he could find a woman who'd be nice to kid and I could find a divorced dad to take care of his kids. Was the last conversation I had with her. Basically explained to her that this is NOT what the kids want it need. I know enough young adults who lived and hated it. May be an extreme position but I once read this in a book: blending family life is is essentially maximum fulfilment of the adults' wants.
Anonymous
03/31/2020 22:43
Subject: Serious relationship with divorced dad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP I strongly recommend you keep your own counsel from now on. There are some loons on this board with strange agendas. Telling you to break up- that's nuts.
It really isn't. She keeps floating that as an option -- so, yes, it's certainly an option and it's clearly at the forefront of her mind.
OP here. I float that as an option because everyone seems to be telling me there is no path forward. My boyfriend has flat out told me his daughter doesnt get veto power. This relationship is going to happen. But we want it to happen in the least traumatizing way to the daughter because contrary to popular belief, she matters and her relationship with her dad matters. As one PP pointed out, she actually does hope her parents get back together and in part, this explains why she was cool towards me at first and the more serious our relationship has become, the more hostile she's been. It's also hard to know what's self-centered teen behavior and what's actually a real issue. I completely agree that blending families isn't easy and because of school districts, there is not going to be any short term blending. Do we hope that we can bring the kids together in the future for simple things like family bbqs or hikes or holiday dinners, absolutely. But that's not going to happen until his daughter is a bit more comfortable. Flipping out because I am at the pool seems extreme. Not being able to say hello because I drop by on a weekend afternoon, also extreme.
His daughter may never get "a bit more comfortable." I think that's what you're missing here. You're going to have to accept that you may never win this child over. Like ever. I don't know what state you're in but in the DC area we've all been ordered to stay at home and not make social visits. If you follow the order, perhaps this will give his daughter a cooling off period. See what happens the next time you all connect, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. I also don't feel like this is about her being self-centered. Children have feelings too and it takes time to get past those. You can't rush it or wish it away. Divorce is a lot more traumatizing to children than people would like to admit.
Anonymous
03/31/2020 13:02
Subject: Serious relationship with divorced dad
It sounds like mental illness runs in the family. Has his daughter been evaluated for mental illness?
Anonymous
03/31/2020 12:49
Subject: Serious relationship with divorced dad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP I strongly recommend you keep your own counsel from now on. There are some loons on this board with strange agendas. Telling you to break up- that's nuts.
It really isn't. She keeps floating that as an option -- so, yes, it's certainly an option and it's clearly at the forefront of her mind.
OP here. I float that as an option because everyone seems to be telling me there is no path forward. My boyfriend has flat out told me his daughter doesnt get veto power. This relationship is going to happen. But we want it to happen in the least traumatizing way to the daughter because contrary to popular belief, she matters and her relationship with her dad matters. As one PP pointed out, she actually does hope her parents get back together and in part, this explains why she was cool towards me at first and the more serious our relationship has become, the more hostile she's been. It's also hard to know what's self-centered teen behavior and what's actually a real issue. I completely agree that blending families isn't easy and because of school districts, there is not going to be any short term blending. Do we hope that we can bring the kids together in the future for simple things like family bbqs or hikes or holiday dinners, absolutely. But that's not going to happen until his daughter is a bit more comfortable. Flipping out because I am at the pool seems extreme. Not being able to say hello because I drop by on a weekend afternoon, also extreme.
Anonymous
03/31/2020 11:59
Subject: Serious relationship with divorced dad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DCUM is very quick to tell people to divorce but also hates second marriages and stepparents. If you divorce, you must basically remain single until the kids have graduated college (and maybe a few years after that, just in case the kids, traumatized by your divorce, don't want you dating, in which case you must still continue to put their wishes first).
You seem really resentful of your children. Why did you have them?
... wut? I'm not divorced or a stepparent, and my parents are still married as well, so I am not qualified to provide any sort of helpful feedback to the OP. I was just pointing out that DCUM is probably not a good place to come for advice because commenters basically respond to every relationship problem with "divorce immediately" but also strongly discourage people from finding new partners, and tell stepparents that they are always in the wrong.
Anonymous
03/31/2020 11:55
Subject: Re:Serious relationship with divorced dad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries
Yes she does. If my daughter can't stand my GF for whatever reason, I am certainly not going to marry her. I put DD first every time.
Divorced dad
It sounds like the boyfriend's daughter would just prefer her dad not to date, it's not personal against the GF - the daughter has said so. Even the daughter's mom is fine with OP and has tried to step in to no avail. I wonder if the daughter deep down hopes that if GF goes away, her parents may get back together. No one can blame her, of course...
I know a grown woman who felt that way about her widowed dad's new partner. Her mother passed away when she was a preteen, her dad was single for over 5 years and didn't start dating again until she was away at college, and she was still very resentful of his dad's girlfriend because she viewed her dad's relationship as a betrayal of her mother. She did come around after several years of pretending the girlfriend (now her dad's wife) didn't exist and refusing to include her in family events. It's hard to see your parent with someone other than your mother.
Anonymous
03/31/2020 11:55
Subject: Serious relationship with divorced dad
Anonymous wrote:DCUM is very quick to tell people to divorce but also hates second marriages and stepparents. If you divorce, you must basically remain single until the kids have graduated college (and maybe a few years after that, just in case the kids, traumatized by your divorce, don't want you dating, in which case you must still continue to put their wishes first).
You seem really resentful of your children. Why did you have them?
Anonymous
03/31/2020 11:51
Subject: Re:Serious relationship with divorced dad
Anonymous wrote:The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries
Yes she does. If my daughter can't stand my GF for whatever reason, I am certainly not going to marry her. I put DD first every time.
Divorced dad
It sounds like the boyfriend's daughter would just prefer her dad not to date, it's not personal against the GF - the daughter has said so. Even the daughter's mom is fine with OP and has tried to step in to no avail. I wonder if the daughter deep down hopes that if GF goes away, her parents may get back together. No one can blame her, of course...
Anonymous
03/31/2020 11:51
Subject: Re:Serious relationship with divorced dad
Anonymous wrote:The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries
Yes she does. If my daughter can't stand my GF for whatever reason, I am certainly not going to marry her. I put DD first every time.
Divorced dad
Ugh. I’m so glad I’m dating a man who says, My kids don’t get veto power over who I date. They are kids.
Luckily his kids seem to like me
Anonymous
03/31/2020 11:48
Subject: Re:Serious relationship with divorced dad
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The daughter doesn't get a vote on the person the father marries
Yes she does. If my daughter can't stand my GF for whatever reason, I am certainly not going to marry her. I put DD first every time.
Divorced dad
Also, please remember that when your DD moves to college, start dating, and won't care at all that you don't like the boys she dates. Also remember that you have zero choice in who she marries or when she marries. Enjoy the one-sided pull.
When that happens, she will be an adult. And, contrary to what you seem to believe, she WILL want my approval of her mate.
You're very weird and projecting.
Awww are you going to slam doors and run to your room when she brings home a boy you don't like?
All fathers think they will manage their daughter's marriages. You're in for a rude awakening.