Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

My BIL hasn't held a job in almost 20 years. My in laws blame his wife becaase "she won't let him work." It is insane. And he was not/is not Mr. Mom either.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, sorry people are nuts.

There is no reason your wife can't make more money. Your teens don't need a housekeeper or someone home when they get home or someone to stay with them on sick days. there are millions of teens in the world with working parents

I agree with a previous poster that you need to put aside your frustration and exasperation, no matter how valid they are and approach this as a team. Look at the budget and decide together where to cut back. Explain that the pressure of being the sole breadwinner with the expectation that you can alone can find everything needed is causing you significant stress an you can't continue as is. Something has to change. Brainstorm what can change. You are already fillin more than your financial weight and you have a stable good income, at this point she needs to look at options. Even if she can bring in 50k a year that would be a big help.

Discuss together how to budget what you have currently and what will suffer. Do you not find collee or retirement? Have those conversations.

If you start the conversation in a confront ational manner she is just going to get defensive and feel unappreciated. You need to talk about it from a financial aspect and from your own well being. There is nothing wrong with saying, I can't keep doing this the way we are, something has to change.

I don't see any reason why divorce would be on the table and it would put you, her, and the kids in a worse financial position. You just need to have a 'we' have a problem, how do 'we' fix this. It isn't you against her.

+1000.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

The kids are in HIGH SCHOOL. They can figure all of this out. My 7th grader comes home to an empty house and then picks her younger sister up from the bus stop every day. There's plenty of time for connection at other times.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is that it gives clear insight into why so many kids arrive at college totally incompetent and unable to manage basic life functioning. It's eye-opening.

Yup. Do you really need an adult to sit with a high school student when they are home sick or make them a sandwich? Or be home at 3 to make sure they start their homework?

Our neighbor’s kid in high school routinely gets home at 12:30, and, shortly thereafter, a load of other teens arrive with duffel bags. They’re doing who know what for several hours. Parents don’t get home from work until 6:30 or so, well after they are gone.

Uh, okay. This is not a usual situation. High school kids do not get out of school at 12:30. You are fear-mongering.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is that it gives clear insight into why so many kids arrive at college totally incompetent and unable to manage basic life functioning. It's eye-opening.

Yup. Do you really need an adult to sit with a high school student when they are home sick or make them a sandwich? Or be home at 3 to make sure they start their homework?

Our neighbor’s kid in high school routinely gets home at 12:30, and, shortly thereafter, a load of other teens arrive with duffel bags. They’re doing who know what for several hours. Parents don’t get home from work until 6:30 or so, well after they are gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is that it gives clear insight into why so many kids arrive at college totally incompetent and unable to manage basic life functioning. It's eye-opening.

Yup. Do you really need an adult to sit with a high school student when they are home sick or make them a sandwich? Or be home at 3 to make sure they start their homework?

Our neighbor’s kid in high school routinely gets home at 12:30, and, shortly thereafter, a load of other teens arrive with duffel bags. They’re doing who know what for several hours. Parents don’t get home from work until 6:30 or so, well after they are gone.

Anonymous wrote:Op, sorry people are nuts.

There is no reason your wife can't make more money. Your teens don't need a housekeeper or someone home when they get home or someone to stay with them on sick days. there are millions of teens in the world with working parents

I agree with a previous poster that you need to put aside your frustration and exasperation, no matter how valid they are and approach this as a team. Look at the budget and decide together where to cut back. Explain that the pressure of being the sole breadwinner with the expectation that you can alone can find everything needed is causing you significant stress an you can't continue as is. Something has to change. Brainstorm what can change. You are already fillin more than your financial weight and you have a stable good income, at this point she needs to look at options. Even if she can bring in 50k a year that would be a big help.

Discuss together how to budget what you have currently and what will suffer. Do you not find collee or retirement? Have those conversations.

If you start the conversation in a confront ational manner she is just going to get defensive and feel unappreciated. You need to talk about it from a financial aspect and from your own well being. There is nothing wrong with saying, I can't keep doing this the way we are, something has to change.

I don't see any reason why divorce would be on the table and it would put you, her, and the kids in a worse financial position. You just need to have a 'we' have a problem, how do 'we' fix this. It isn't you against her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is that it gives clear insight into why so many kids arrive at college totally incompetent and unable to manage basic life functioning. It's eye-opening.

Yup. Do you really need an adult to sit with a high school student when they are home sick or make them a sandwich? Or be home at 3 to make sure they start their homework?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?

Guess what-- those of us who are working parents do ALL of those things. It is very doable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.

Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.

OP, you are absolutely within your rights to want this and anyone who says otherwise is 100% wrong.

I agree! And the people suggesting he move to the private sector and make more money are truly nuts. He has a well-paying, stable job that will provide him and his family with a pension, good insurance, etc. It would be incredibly stupid and short-sighted for him to give that up for a less stable job as the breadwinner. I mean, what are you guys even thinking??

And, she also has a job. If he wants her to work more and harder so should he. He could also take a second job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

The kids are in HIGH SCHOOL. They can figure all of this out. My 7th grader comes home to an empty house and then picks her younger sister up from the bus stop every day. There's plenty of time for connection at other times.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, you did not achieve your potential if you could not support your family.

You can say the same about OPs wife. Women want equality, but refuse to work. Their children have two parents, and it's every much her responsibility to provide for them as it is his. She sounds lazy and wants to socialize with her SAHM friends.

OP, you won't get helpful responses because this board is filled with SAHMs and women who want to bag high earning men so they can be lazy and not work.

Woman here. I would take a high earning husband who loves me over equality anyday. Sorry it’s the truth. I feel so bad for OP’s wife. Not that she may have to work more but because he is a not high earner who doesn’t seem to love her very much.

This is what many women find. My husband knew I would be in and out of the work force, pretty much said it's up to me. We also live beneath our means and still have 2 retirements, and one home paid off. OP and his wife can scale back, the kids can get loans and scholarships for college.

If I were one of OP’s kids and knew my mom chose not to work in order to save/pay for college and I had to take out a loan because of it I would be resentful. That is the height of selfishness. I guarantee your kids would rather have paid college.

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

Anonymous wrote:I think the HS years are actually the most important to have a very involved, on the pulse parent so your children aren’t getting into the many vices that could have serious long term effects on them, such as drugs, unprotected sex, social media over sharing/bad behavior/bullying/ nude pics.

The stakes are actually much higher and have more consequence than tears from a first grader that wasn’t invited to a birthday party.

I pay way more attention to friend group, demeanor, where my children are, who they are with, what they are doing, than I did supervising an after school play date for 3rd graders.