I want to go out, have fun, have sex. He wants to watch tv.

DH thinks that he contributes more to the household than I do because he has a lower tolerance for mess and is the one who usually cleans. I actually think our division is pretty even because I do all the mental load

"My imaginary work that only happens in my mind makes up for his actual work that happens in the real world."

His resentment. DH thinks that he contributes more to the household than I do because he has a lower tolerance for mess and is the one who usually cleans. I actually think our division is pretty even because I do all the mental load regarding household and kids along with grocery shopping, shared cooking duties, 3/4 laundry (he does his own), scheduling, etc. There are studies that show that husbands often think their household contributions are equal when their wives do not. In our case, I think that the fact that they're equal makes him think he's doing more.

His resentment comes out in anger. He also goes nuts if he thinks I or the kids are acting "entitled." I appreciate all that he does, I would appreciate it more if it wasn't done with a negative attitude. My perspective is that I'm happy to do something for you and let you enjoy it. For example, if it is my night to make dinner, I am fine with you doing work, watching tv, or whatever you want until it's time to eat. To him, if it's his night this falls under "entitled" and if we aren't always asking if he needs help, setting the table 45 minutes beforehand, we're lazy, etc. Also, he really doesn't know how to give the benefit of the doubt.

I can see that some of this is because his "love language" is acts of service while mine is "quality time." He rarely wants to do anything with me or the kids, go out, socialize with people, etc. so I have to live a pretty independent life. I think we also both need to realize that the other person's lack of preferred action doesn't mean we don't love each other or care. We can both make more effort to "give/speak" in the other's preferred mode.

Anonymous wrote:Most men will say lack of sex
Most women will say lack of help raising a family (chores, child rearing, etc)

Raises hand

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we disagree, he always fights to win. And his tactic is always to say something so cutting and hurtful that it cuts the conversation dead in its tracks. It’s been such a relationship killer.

I have yet to meet a woman who does not fight like this.

+1

Anonymous wrote:When we disagree, he always fights to win. And his tactic is always to say something so cutting and hurtful that it cuts the conversation dead in its tracks. It’s been such a relationship killer.

I have yet to meet a woman who does not fight like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He would say lack of sex; I would say his anger and hostility... which make me not want to have sex with him.

Isn't it flabbergasting that he can't figure out hy you don't want to have sex with him????!!!!

I get zero help around the house and my h wonders why I won;t be his sex doll.

+1000. His issue is lack of sex

My issue is you do nothing, zero.

Surely not a popular opinion on DCUM but I should make enough for you to SAHM, have someone clean the house, spend the morning in Starbucks, and then go to yoga and then you can birch at me that I don’t help.

The biggest issue is that men pursue women so the expect to be spoiled. I often wonder where my DW, from a working class family, came from. Where’s my Lexus LX, vacations to Nantucket, closet full of Lily and her and her friends look aghast that one of them might have to work. And for this I get disdain and starfish sex ? I realize now you should play catch and release with women.

This is not normal. It sounds like you chose poorly. Better luck with DW #2.

I know a ton of women exactly like PP describes. Right down to the aghast at working and everything else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants more physical intimacy. I want more emotional intimacy. Chicken and egg for both of us.

This is the vicious cycle for us. He says he needs sex to feel connected to me. I need to feel connection before I want sex.

We are just coexisting and his body no longer turns me on.

My husband is not a hand holding kind of guy but somehow over time I've been successful at "training" him that being sweet and showing signs of affection goes a very long way in getting me to want to have sex. Now he often compliments me on how I look, he'll give me a hug in the morning and always says "love you" when he leaves or gets off the phone. This may fall far short of what others consider emotional intimacy but it beats nothing!

She is a prepper not only for our own household but also for each of those of our three grown children; they want no part of it. She told me, "if you want empty shelves, go live somewhere else."

so for 12:04 and 12:46, what does the emotional intimacy/connection look like for you? (genuinely asking)

Anonymous wrote:He wants more physical intimacy. I want more emotional intimacy. Chicken and egg for both of us.

This is the vicious cycle for us. He says he needs sex to feel connected to me. I need to feel connection before I want sex.

We are just coexisting and his body no longer turns me on.

Untreated anxiety (DW)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His idea of dividing all the family responsibilities: I’ll do my best and she’ll do the rest.

Yeah, essentially this for us, too. More like: I do what I feel like, when I feel like, and she'll do the rest.

Yep, this

Lack of communication and no romance. Life has become very routine with no spark. We are just coexisting in the same house.

He wants more physical intimacy. I want more emotional intimacy. Chicken and egg for both of us.