Anonymous
04/17/2018 11:18
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Don't the rest of you always get sick of doing the SAME thing for holidays year after year? I'd LOVE to travel to my SILs for Thanksgiving. It would be an adventure and I'd love to see her city and all the meals she cooks for Thanksgiving.
Anonymous
04/17/2018 11:16
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.
My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.
OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?
People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.
Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...
Hello? Maybe other members of the family want to make holiday memories and traditions in their homes! Yeah, and maybe they do want to show off their cooking skills and their china. So what? Why is it OK for MIL to want and get all those things, but not others?
Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.
OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?
You do know you can get all those things by inviting your BIL's family to your home for any weekend any time you want, right? Apart from whether or not you also host at holidays.
And you do know that with sports and school schedules, and work schedules--*and an annual beach vacation planned by MIL and paid for by everyone with DH's family*--that the holidays are a rare and perfect time to spend time with DH's family? And you do know that there is a different feeling when you celebrate a holiday together vs. a random weekend in April, right?
Yes. I also imagine there's a different feeling for MIL to have her family around her in the house they all grew up in and she decorated every year and that she now lives in alone. I'm not opposed to your hosting, OP, but throwing out spa time sounds a little snotty. Where exactly is your MIL while you and SIL are in your jacuzzi, DH and BIL are playing basketball in the driveway and the kids are all playing in the basement? Do what you want, but it's really not that hard to see why MIL might not be all guns ho about giving up hosting in her house and going to yours instead. But things change and she'll get used to it. But like a PP saud, you can change traditions but you don't get to insist that people like MIL are happy about it.
Anonymous
04/17/2018 11:10
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.
My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.
OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?
People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.
Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...
Hello? Maybe other members of the family want to make holiday memories and traditions in their homes! Yeah, and maybe they do want to show off their cooking skills and their china. So what? Why is it OK for MIL to want and get all those things, but not others?
Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.
OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?
You do know you can get all those things by inviting your BIL's family to your home for any weekend any time you want, right? Apart from whether or not you also host at holidays.
And you do know that with sports and school schedules, and work schedules--*and an annual beach vacation planned by MIL and paid for by everyone with DH's family*--that the holidays are a rare and perfect time to spend time with DH's family? And you do know that there is a different feeling when you celebrate a holiday together vs. a random weekend in April, right?
Nobody is saying that your desire to have your inlaws over is wrong. The point is - why can't you compromise with your MIL, if Thanksgiving is especially important to her?
OMG, some more, again: Thanksgiving is not "especially important to her." She wants literally every holiday at her house: Easter, Independence Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Every. Year. We have done it this way every year for seven years! I "got" to host Easter ONE TIME because I couldn't travel with a difficult pregnancy. One time, in seven years, have we hosted a holiday with DH's family in our home.
So she wants what she wants; you want what you want. You just say, "MIL we decided not to travel to you for Thanksgiving this year, but you're welcome at our house." Instead you have to make a huge production out of hosting EVERYONE, and using your crystal and china. What you seem to really want is for everyone to think your MIL is a terrible person.
Oh, come on. Now I'm done. How far are you reaching with that? I want everyone to think MIL is a terrible person. Yes, you caught me.
Have at it, DCUM. I'm done.
Anonymous
04/17/2018 11:08
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.
My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.
OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?
People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.
Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...
Hello? Maybe other members of the family want to make holiday memories and traditions in their homes! Yeah, and maybe they do want to show off their cooking skills and their china. So what? Why is it OK for MIL to want and get all those things, but not others?
Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.
OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?
You do know you can get all those things by inviting your BIL's family to your home for any weekend any time you want, right? Apart from whether or not you also host at holidays.
And you do know that with sports and school schedules, and work schedules--*and an annual beach vacation planned by MIL and paid for by everyone with DH's family*--that the holidays are a rare and perfect time to spend time with DH's family? And you do know that there is a different feeling when you celebrate a holiday together vs. a random weekend in April, right?
Nobody is saying that your desire to have your inlaws over is wrong. The point is - why can't you compromise with your MIL, if Thanksgiving is especially important to her?
OMG, some more, again: Thanksgiving is not "especially important to her." She wants literally every holiday at her house: Easter, Independence Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Every. Year. We have done it this way every year for seven years! I "got" to host Easter ONE TIME because I couldn't travel with a difficult pregnancy. One time, in seven years, have we hosted a holiday with DH's family in our home.
So she wants what she wants; you want what you want. You just say, "MIL we decided not to travel to you for Thanksgiving this year, but you're welcome at our house." Instead you have to make a huge production out of hosting EVERYONE, and using your crystal and china. What you seem to really want is for everyone to think your MIL is a terrible person.
Anonymous
04/17/2018 11:08
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Team OP AND HER HUSBAND, who also wants to host.
Team OP's SIL/BIL, who have also had enough of the monopoly
Team OP's SIL/BIL, who have also had enough of the monopoly
Anonymous
04/17/2018 11:07
Subject: Re:MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.
OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?
Op, you're being ridiculous. Now it's not about sharing hosting responsibilities, but about how much better your house is than MIL's? It just proves what I was thinking that it's not about traditions or starting your own, but really you just hate going to MIL's house and you want to take over hosting.
Because what now? Let's say everyone comes to your house for T-giving and loves it (like you say). Will you do Christmas? and Easter too? I mean if everyone really loves your house so much more than MIL's, then they'd prefer to come to your place for all the holidays, right?
OP here. Our hope is to have everyone who actively wants to host have a turn at hosting, including MIL! DH and I love having people over and would love to have the full holiday experience with DH's family, especially the cousins. We also know for a fact that BIL and his wife would love to host a holiday. I have no idea whether DH's aunt/uncle would like to host, or his adult cousin, but I don't think so. Anyway, three people actively want to host--MIL, SIL/BIL and DH and me. Why on Earth is it so wrong for us to all get to host every now and again, if that's what we want? I'd even be happy with something like:
Year 1: Easter at MIL's, Thanksgiving at our place
Year 2: Fourth of July at SIL's, Christmas at MIL's
Year 3: Easter at our place, Thanksgiving at MIL's
and so on
Please keep in mind this is already on top of her usually hosting Fourth of July and a set-in-stone DH family beach trip that is at the same house every year; a house she chose long ago (and yes, we pay our own way so you can take that off your snark list).
Look, you clearly resent your MIL and think this represents some kind of injustice against you. That's fine, but don't act all surprised when she gets upset when you aggressively change things that have been done the same way for a long time. It's not your job to re-structure your IL's family traditions.
Anonymous
04/17/2018 11:06
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.
My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.
OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?
People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.
Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...
Hello? Maybe other members of the family want to make holiday memories and traditions in their homes! Yeah, and maybe they do want to show off their cooking skills and their china. So what? Why is it OK for MIL to want and get all those things, but not others?
Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.
OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?
You do know you can get all those things by inviting your BIL's family to your home for any weekend any time you want, right? Apart from whether or not you also host at holidays.
And you do know that with sports and school schedules, and work schedules--*and an annual beach vacation planned by MIL and paid for by everyone with DH's family*--that the holidays are a rare and perfect time to spend time with DH's family? And you do know that there is a different feeling when you celebrate a holiday together vs. a random weekend in April, right?
Nobody is saying that your desire to have your inlaws over is wrong. The point is - why can't you compromise with your MIL, if Thanksgiving is especially important to her?
OMG, some more, again: Thanksgiving is not "especially important to her." She wants literally every holiday at her house: Easter, Independence Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Every. Year. We have done it this way every year for seven years! I "got" to host Easter ONE TIME because I couldn't travel with a difficult pregnancy. One time, in seven years, have we hosted a holiday with DH's family in our home.
Anonymous
04/17/2018 11:05
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.
My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.
OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?
People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.
Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...
Hello? Maybe other members of the family want to make holiday memories and traditions in their homes! Yeah, and maybe they do want to show off their cooking skills and their china. So what? Why is it OK for MIL to want and get all those things, but not others?
Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.
OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?
You do know you can get all those things by inviting your BIL's family to your home for any weekend any time you want, right? Apart from whether or not you also host at holidays.
And you do know that with sports and school schedules, and work schedules--*and an annual beach vacation planned by MIL and paid for by everyone with DH's family*--that the holidays are a rare and perfect time to spend time with DH's family? And you do know that there is a different feeling when you celebrate a holiday together vs. a random weekend in April, right?
Nobody is saying that your desire to have your inlaws over is wrong. The point is - why can't you compromise with your MIL, if Thanksgiving is especially important to her?
Anonymous
04/17/2018 11:03
Subject: Re:MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.
OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?
Op, you're being ridiculous. Now it's not about sharing hosting responsibilities, but about how much better your house is than MIL's? It just proves what I was thinking that it's not about traditions or starting your own, but really you just hate going to MIL's house and you want to take over hosting.
Because what now? Let's say everyone comes to your house for T-giving and loves it (like you say). Will you do Christmas? and Easter too? I mean if everyone really loves your house so much more than MIL's, then they'd prefer to come to your place for all the holidays, right?
OP here. Our hope is to have everyone who actively wants to host have a turn at hosting, including MIL! DH and I love having people over and would love to have the full holiday experience with DH's family, especially the cousins. We also know for a fact that BIL and his wife would love to host a holiday. I have no idea whether DH's aunt/uncle would like to host, or his adult cousin, but I don't think so. Anyway, three people actively want to host--MIL, SIL/BIL and DH and me. Why on Earth is it so wrong for us to all get to host every now and again, if that's what we want? I'd even be happy with something like:
Year 1: Easter at MIL's, Thanksgiving at our place
Year 2: Fourth of July at SIL's, Christmas at MIL's
Year 3: Easter at our place, Thanksgiving at MIL's
and so on
Please keep in mind this is already on top of her usually hosting Fourth of July and a set-in-stone DH family beach trip that is at the same house every year; a house she chose long ago (and yes, we pay our own way so you can take that off your snark list).
Anonymous
04/17/2018 10:59
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.
OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.
Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.
For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.
What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?
The difference being that DCUM would be raking her over the coals for "leaving it so late" and "springing it on poor MIL" and "not giving anyone time to consider this change." NP
+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.
OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.
Yes, I have clarified that, and yes, she did know ahead of time we’d be reaching out this early. -OP
You hadn't actually clarified that, but ok. MIL knew you were about to invite everyone to your house instead of hers, but waited until after you did that to send a long email about why she disagreed. Seems odd of her to let you invite people when she still wanted to host, but maybe she's an odd person. Did your other invited guests know that your MIL was not on board with this change when the accepted your invitation? Not including your BIL/SIL who are clearly on your side. Did aunt/uncle know?
OP here. She didn’t seem unwilling to change or give any reasons why she couldn’t during the call. She knew we were inviting others. She was on the email. THEN she objected. No one “knew MIL wasn’t on board” because she got off board after invites she knew would be issued were issued.
Maybe she didn't think you would be making thanksgiving invitations IN APRIL because that's patently absurd. She may have had more to say but didn't think you were going to be so aggressive about it.
I'm one of OP's skeptics, but this argument doesn't make sense. If MIL agreed, why would it make a difference if OP invited people in April or October? So what?
Anonymous
04/17/2018 10:57
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.
My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.
OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?
People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.
Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...
Hello? Maybe other members of the family want to make holiday memories and traditions in their homes! Yeah, and maybe they do want to show off their cooking skills and their china. So what? Why is it OK for MIL to want and get all those things, but not others?
Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.
OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?
You do know you can get all those things by inviting your BIL's family to your home for any weekend any time you want, right? Apart from whether or not you also host at holidays.
And you do know that with sports and school schedules, and work schedules--*and an annual beach vacation planned by MIL and paid for by everyone with DH's family*--that the holidays are a rare and perfect time to spend time with DH's family? And you do know that there is a different feeling when you celebrate a holiday together vs. a random weekend in April, right?
Anonymous
04/17/2018 10:48
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why does every holiday have to include so much family? Traveling two and a half to three hours is a lot, especially on a crazy travel weekend.
OP, you would have been on firmer ground to have just said that the travel on a busy weekend is too much for you, so your nuclear family will be celebrating at home. You then could have asked your husband's mother if she would like to join you. With a yes to that, you could have gone ahead and invited her usual guests.
Instead, you told her that you would be inviting her and her usual guests to your house even though you knew that that is not what she wanted. There's a difference between not wanting to travel yourself and deciding unilaterally to move the whole party to your house.
For instance, in my neighborhood, there's a family that throws a big St. Patrick's day party every year and many of the neighbors attend. It is a tradition and everyone enjoys and looks forward to this party each year. The party also includes many friends of these neighbors who don't live in our neighborhood.
What if one year I decided to invite the entire guest list from that party to my house for St. Patrick's day and I sent out the invitations in September? Don't you think my neighbors who have always given this party would be justifiably upset with me?
+1. OP still hasn't clarified if MIL knew they were going to be inviting everyone now, 7 months early, or if the other guests knew - when they were invited and accepted - that their usual hostess by not on board and possibly didn't know they were being invited this far out.
OP, your arguments for wanting to host are valid, of course. But based on how the invitations were handled and who knew what when, it can come across as a power play of sorts. You say you don't care if everyone still goes to MILs, but if you're invitations to them implied MIL was already in agreement with the change of plans, you've put them in an awkward spot (which is rude). I'm thinking more of the aunt/uncle. It's obvious OP and SIL are all for blowing up this hold MIL has.
Yes, I have clarified that, and yes, she did know ahead of time we’d be reaching out this early. -OP
You hadn't actually clarified that, but ok. MIL knew you were about to invite everyone to your house instead of hers, but waited until after you did that to send a long email about why she disagreed. Seems odd of her to let you invite people when she still wanted to host, but maybe she's an odd person. Did your other invited guests know that your MIL was not on board with this change when the accepted your invitation? Not including your BIL/SIL who are clearly on your side. Did aunt/uncle know?
OP here. She didn’t seem unwilling to change or give any reasons why she couldn’t during the call. She knew we were inviting others. She was on the email. THEN she objected. No one “knew MIL wasn’t on board” because she got off board after invites she knew would be issued were issued.
Maybe she didn't think you would be making thanksgiving invitations IN APRIL because that's patently absurd. She may have had more to say but didn't think you were going to be so aggressive about it.
I'm one of OP's skeptics, but this argument doesn't make sense. If MIL agreed, why would it make a difference if OP invited people in April or October? So what?
Well, I guess if you see personal relationships as a contract negotiation, you're right: MIL agreed, and cannot later retract her agreement. But if you're attuned to how people actually operate, then it's more like: the idea surprised MIL, and she said "yes" because DIL forcefully presented it as a fait accompli, and they are not a confrontational family. But after she hung up the phone she started thinking more about it, and it bothered her, and she sent the email. A wiser way to go about it would have been to just be up front: "MIL, we would really love to host a family holiday this year. I know you like to have Fred and Martha for Thanksgiving but do you think they would come to our place...?" And have a dialogue. Maybe at some point in that dialogue you put your foot down, but you don't have to start off that way. And, if you start out with an unmoveable bottom line (instead of a discussion) then you CAN expect the other person will be unhappy. That's life.
Anonymous
04/17/2018 10:44
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
NP. Team MIL here.
Anonymous
04/17/2018 10:40
Subject: Re:MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.
OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?
Op, you're being ridiculous. Now it's not about sharing hosting responsibilities, but about how much better your house is than MIL's? It just proves what I was thinking that it's not about traditions or starting your own, but really you just hate going to MIL's house and you want to take over hosting.
Because what now? Let's say everyone comes to your house for T-giving and loves it (like you say). Will you do Christmas? and Easter too? I mean if everyone really loves your house so much more than MIL's, then they'd prefer to come to your place for all the holidays, right?
Anonymous
04/17/2018 10:37
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:LOL I love you all are refusing to believe that a MAN could have a preference on hosting a holiday.
My husband doesn't like my mom's turkey. Since he entered the family he's been lobbying for us (as in me and him) to host. We've done it once (DH cooked the turkey, I did sides), and my sister has done it twice since then - turns out none of liked my mom's thanksgiving parties.
OP has said over and over that her husband was part of this plan from the beginning. Why do you find that so hard to believe?
People just like the trope of the evil DIL who is trying to shut the MIL out of her life.
Honestly, I really don't. I have a problematic MIL and step-mother. I have loads of crazy relatives. I have relatives I've had to cut off. Something about OP gives me a spidey-sense that she's the problematic one in this scenario. Maybe I'm just prejudiced about people who put opportunity to show off their "fine china" over family traditions ...
Hello? Maybe other members of the family want to make holiday memories and traditions in their homes! Yeah, and maybe they do want to show off their cooking skills and their china. So what? Why is it OK for MIL to want and get all those things, but not others?
Again, OP hosts IN HER OWN HOME already. This is about OP "getting" this particular holiday, with her Inlaws. Not about hosting in general.
OP here. How does me hosting my family sometimes equal my kids having a sleepover in our basement with their DH-side cousins? How does it equal “spa” time in my home with my SIL, who loves the jacuzzi at my house? How does it equal basketball games in our driveway with BIL?
You do know you can get all those things by inviting your BIL's family to your home for any weekend any time you want, right? Apart from whether or not you also host at holidays.