OP here. I wanted to provide a 6 month update for those of you who followed my story earlier.

Things are actually going very, very well for me. Weekly therapy has helped me get through the worst of it, and now I'm down to going about once a month.

The kids have struggled, so I'm not going to sugarcoat that. The youngest refused to talk about or even acknowledge the divorce (he just turned 8), and started exhibiting lots of anger at home and at school. The older one (he is 10) started having discipline problems in school. While my STBXH insisted that it was all in my head, I insisted on getting them in to counseling.

During one of the early sessions, the therapist had the younger one draw a picture of his family. He drew a rocky mountain (which she said is a child's way of depicting lots of instability) with me and himself standing at the top of the mountain holding hands, with rainbows and flowers and big smiles. Daddy was drawn in black at the bottom of the mountain, laying down with his eyes x'd out, dead. His brother was half-drawn as an afterthought. When the therapist showed it to my STBXH and I, you should have seen his face . . . he was like "I don't think it means anything." It is really hard to see the kids struggling with this, but they have to go through it. They really do.

On the fear and anger side, things are better for me. I've learned I can do this on my own - I can cover the mortgage, pay all the bills, run the household, etc., and it's totally fine. In fact, doing all of this has made me feel so free and unburdened - it's like I'm flying! I can do this, I really can.

I don't cry very much anymore, but on occasion I'll be triggered by something like the song we played at our wedding, or on Facebook the "memory" feature that shows you things that you posted years ago on any given day.

The STBX isn't doing as well, shockingly. He's complaining of financial woes, how poor he is now that he's only on a single salary (we are both GS-15s, we make identical salaries, so no sympathy from me).

All in all, things are ok. I'm ok. The kids are going to be ok. It isn't the life I imagined, but it is what we have, and it is pretty darn amazing.

NP here. I haven't read through all 15 pages, but I am really moved by your experiences. I feel for you and your kids, and can't imagine what it must be like after 15 years together.

This comment is totally out of left field, but have you even watched a movie called, The Women? Not the remake, but the original 1939 version with Joan Crawford. Some of it is really hokey, but there are parts that are definitely worth seeing.

OP here. I would have preferred that for the kids, but STBXH signed a lease on a new place before even telling me, so that was off the table. He's a selfish asshole.

Anonymous wrote:Glad you stayed strong, OP! Believe you me, your STBX and the OW will get what's due them. You may not know it, but you can't do what they've done and not have it revisited on you in some way. Hugs.

But the poor kids will suffer through it as well.

The best divorces I've observed focused on keeping the kids stable. So, the kids always slept in their own beds at home every night...while mom and dad took turns staying at the house.

Glad you stayed strong, OP! Believe you me, your STBX and the OW will get what's due them. You may not know it, but you can't do what they've done and not have it revisited on you in some way. Hugs.

OP you are an inspiration. Wishing you a peaceful and restful Christmas.

Thanks all!! Last night I was so, so filled with anger and was seriously on the cusp of contacting the OW's husband. I think the anger came from the fact that it was my STBXH's night with the kids, so I was alone. We are also 90% through with splitting up our finances, and I realized that he's spent $10K on this separation! That was the budget for our wedding back in 2000.

It just sucked to be sitting at home alone, sad, and realizing that my STBXH and the OW were the ones who cheated, and the only people suffering from it are me and my two children. Every day since the split, my children ask me who is picking them up from school and where they are going to sleep that night. It kills me that they have that level of uncertainty and disorientation in their lives. It is SO unfair and it is not how I ever envisioned raising my family.

But . . . I popped a xanax and put on some Netflix and went to bed. This morning, I'm glad that I didn't do anything rash because I still feel like I have my dignity. I'm following Michelle Obama's mantra - whey they go low, we go high. I'm going to get through this!

Sending you a hug, OP. Hope you are as well as can be at the moment.

ScienceMom wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So now that his move out date is imminent, he's been saying things like "You know I haven't completely given up on us. I still hope we can work things out and this separation will provide clarity."

What do I do with that? I mean, my first choice would be to save my marriage, but I don't want to prolong this insanity. He'd have to do so many things, and I'm not sure he has it in him.

full disclosure, i have not read everything but I have btdt.

Still have him move out. Don't close the door to reconciliation. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions.

No doubt the OW is a mess and he is starting to realize that, make him live it. He needs to decide regardless of you and the children that OW is not his soul mate. After he does ... and he will, he has 6 months of no contact with the OW and individual counseling to figure out why he uses affairs to "fix his internal issues". Let him try to recommit himself to being a person that does the right thing in the face of an imperfect world.

Then you can open discussion about whether you want to reconcile.

Either way your kids get a better man as a father.

Couldn't have said it better!

I could say it better: Do NOT reconcile with a man like this.