Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Exactly..not even close to abusive. I have s feeling OP is a bit of a drama queen

A normal person can pick up on tension in the house they are staying. If OP is counting up water refills and trash emptying with gritted teeth it wouldn’t be that hard to pick up on not feeling welcomed. Why is it not ok for her to talk to her son about it? Maybe the outcome is no more visits but she’s not a villain for saying something to him to clear the air.

Because she obviously didn’t go to her son and say “Lisa works so hard to have us here, every year, and I’m concerned its too much for her—and you — to have us as guests right now”

She went to her son with ingratitude and entitlement after trying to pick fights with him. This is a classic play stupid game, win stupid prize.

It doesn't matter if you roll out the red carpet but still treat the guests with disdain or indifference. If OP doesn't like having them there she should have just said no from the outset. MIL knows she's not welcome and she wasn't wrong.

It’s a matter of perception. From OP’s description, MIL sounds difficult to please and like she enjoys stirring the pot. OP clearly felt like she was walking on eggshells in her own home.

In the end, asking others to caretake our feelings is a no-win situation: everyone feels bruised, everyone likely has a point, and no one is willing to budge when it feels like their boundaries are being crossed.

If OP needs to take a break from the inlaws for a while, she should, because that’s what’s good for her. It’s her home with DH, and their holidays, too. They’re hosting, so they get to set the rules. If the inlaws are mad about it, that’s not OP’s issue to fix.

OP told us all about the work she did during and leading up to the visit. There was no mention of enjoying her company whatsoever or looking forward to the visit. MIL picked up on this not so hidden resentment so she said something to her son. Do you all normally just dance around issues instead of just speaking up? OP still can't even make up her mind about speaking up. Going through the motions while seething with resentment expecting MIL to not notice is a tall order. So now it's all out in the open which is better than what was happening before.

She said she has never felt comfortable there.
But you missed this part:

"On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. "

We don't know what MIL likes to stir up. It could be anything from Megan Markle to MAGA. I hope OP comes back and tells us. But this is why MIL has a hair across her ass; not OP.

That's between the MIL and her son. If he is mad enough to bar her from his home he probably would have done so already.

No, if you’re bickering in someone else's home it ceases to be between MIL and her som and becomes the business of everyone else there. OP does not need to host ungrateful and ill-mannered guests even if her husband isn’t “mad enough to bar her from his home” which is a hilariously hysterical way of describing not inviting someone to visit four weeks after her last visit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Go away angry MIL. You aren't welcome at xmas this year, get over it.

Actually I’m a NP and agree
💯 with the poster. You on the other hand sound petty and nutty.

Oh, youre a new angry MIL poster mad about people setting boundaries against your shitascular behavior? Ok fun. Go away to you, NP. You're also not invited.

Actually I’m a DIL with a difficult MIL. Difference between us? I have social skills and I’m actually able to arbitrate most unpleasantries without threatening to cut someone off. In other words, I’m not an intolerable moron.

Same!! And I can refill a glass without claiming abuse!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Go away angry MIL. You aren't welcome at xmas this year, get over it.

Actually I’m a NP and agree
💯 with the poster. You on the other hand sound petty and nutty.

Oh, youre a new angry MIL poster mad about people setting boundaries against your shitascular behavior? Ok fun. Go away to you, NP. You're also not invited.

Actually I’m a DIL with a difficult MIL. Difference between us? I have social skills and I’m actually able to arbitrate most unpleasantries without threatening to cut someone off. In other words, I’m not an intolerable moron.

Same!! And I can refill a glass without claiming abuse!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Go away angry MIL. You aren't welcome at xmas this year, get over it.

Actually I’m a NP and agree
💯 with the poster. You on the other hand sound petty and nutty.

Oh, youre a new angry MIL poster mad about people setting boundaries against your shitascular behavior? Ok fun. Go away to you, NP. You're also not invited.

Actually I’m a DIL with a difficult MIL. Difference between us? I have social skills and I’m actually able to arbitrate most unpleasantries without threatening to cut someone off. In other words, I’m not an intolerable moron.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Go away angry MIL. You aren't welcome at xmas this year, get over it.

Actually I’m a NP and agree
💯 with the poster. You on the other hand sound petty and nutty.

Oh, youre a new angry MIL poster mad about people setting boundaries against your shitascular behavior? Ok fun. Go away to you, NP. You're also not invited.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Exactly..not even close to abusive. I have s feeling OP is a bit of a drama queen

A normal person can pick up on tension in the house they are staying. If OP is counting up water refills and trash emptying with gritted teeth it wouldn’t be that hard to pick up on not feeling welcomed. Why is it not ok for her to talk to her son about it? Maybe the outcome is no more visits but she’s not a villain for saying something to him to clear the air.

Because she obviously didn’t go to her son and say “Lisa works so hard to have us here, every year, and I’m concerned its too much for her—and you — to have us as guests right now”

She went to her son with ingratitude and entitlement after trying to pick fights with him. This is a classic play stupid game, win stupid prize.

It doesn't matter if you roll out the red carpet but still treat the guests with disdain or indifference. If OP doesn't like having them there she should have just said no from the outset. MIL knows she's not welcome and she wasn't wrong.

It’s a matter of perception. From OP’s description, MIL sounds difficult to please and like she enjoys stirring the pot. OP clearly felt like she was walking on eggshells in her own home.

In the end, asking others to caretake our feelings is a no-win situation: everyone feels bruised, everyone likely has a point, and no one is willing to budge when it feels like their boundaries are being crossed.

If OP needs to take a break from the inlaws for a while, she should, because that’s what’s good for her. It’s her home with DH, and their holidays, too. They’re hosting, so they get to set the rules. If the inlaws are mad about it, that’s not OP’s issue to fix.

OP told us all about the work she did during and leading up to the visit. There was no mention of enjoying her company whatsoever or looking forward to the visit. MIL picked up on this not so hidden resentment so she said something to her son. Do you all normally just dance around issues instead of just speaking up? OP still can't even make up her mind about speaking up. Going through the motions while seething with resentment expecting MIL to not notice is a tall order. So now it's all out in the open which is better than what was happening before.

She said she has never felt comfortable there.
But you missed this part:

"On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. "

We don't know what MIL likes to stir up. It could be anything from Megan Markle to MAGA. I hope OP comes back and tells us. But this is why MIL has a hair across her ass; not OP.

That's between the MIL and her son. If he is mad enough to bar her from his home he probably would have done so already.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Exactly..not even close to abusive. I have s feeling OP is a bit of a drama queen

A normal person can pick up on tension in the house they are staying. If OP is counting up water refills and trash emptying with gritted teeth it wouldn’t be that hard to pick up on not feeling welcomed. Why is it not ok for her to talk to her son about it? Maybe the outcome is no more visits but she’s not a villain for saying something to him to clear the air.

Because she obviously didn’t go to her son and say “Lisa works so hard to have us here, every year, and I’m concerned its too much for her—and you — to have us as guests right now”

She went to her son with ingratitude and entitlement after trying to pick fights with him. This is a classic play stupid game, win stupid prize.

It doesn't matter if you roll out the red carpet but still treat the guests with disdain or indifference. If OP doesn't like having them there she should have just said no from the outset. MIL knows she's not welcome and she wasn't wrong.

It’s a matter of perception. From OP’s description, MIL sounds difficult to please and like she enjoys stirring the pot. OP clearly felt like she was walking on eggshells in her own home.

In the end, asking others to caretake our feelings is a no-win situation: everyone feels bruised, everyone likely has a point, and no one is willing to budge when it feels like their boundaries are being crossed.

If OP needs to take a break from the inlaws for a while, she should, because that’s what’s good for her. It’s her home with DH, and their holidays, too. They’re hosting, so they get to set the rules. If the inlaws are mad about it, that’s not OP’s issue to fix.

OP told us all about the work she did during and leading up to the visit. There was no mention of enjoying her company whatsoever or looking forward to the visit. MIL picked up on this not so hidden resentment so she said something to her son. Do you all normally just dance around issues instead of just speaking up? OP still can't even make up her mind about speaking up. Going through the motions while seething with resentment expecting MIL to not notice is a tall order. So now it's all out in the open which is better than what was happening before.

She said she has never felt comfortable there.
But you missed this part:

"On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. "

We don't know what MIL likes to stir up. It could be anything from Megan Markle to MAGA. I hope OP comes back and tells us. But this is why MIL has a hair across her ass; not OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



Regardless of who did what, the bottom line is that the homeowner has the right to invite whom they please.

End of story.

We know. MIL was invited to her home and the guest felt uncomfortable. OP felt it was a chore. She should never have invited her if she was going to be so put out about it. Bad situation all around.

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Exactly..not even close to abusive. I have s feeling OP is a bit of a drama queen

A normal person can pick up on tension in the house they are staying. If OP is counting up water refills and trash emptying with gritted teeth it wouldn’t be that hard to pick up on not feeling welcomed. Why is it not ok for her to talk to her son about it? Maybe the outcome is no more visits but she’s not a villain for saying something to him to clear the air.

Because she obviously didn’t go to her son and say “Lisa works so hard to have us here, every year, and I’m concerned its too much for her—and you — to have us as guests right now”

She went to her son with ingratitude and entitlement after trying to pick fights with him. This is a classic play stupid game, win stupid prize.

It doesn't matter if you roll out the red carpet but still treat the guests with disdain or indifference. If OP doesn't like having them there she should have just said no from the outset. MIL knows she's not welcome and she wasn't wrong.

It’s a matter of perception. From OP’s description, MIL sounds difficult to please and like she enjoys stirring the pot. OP clearly felt like she was walking on eggshells in her own home.

In the end, asking others to caretake our feelings is a no-win situation: everyone feels bruised, everyone likely has a point, and no one is willing to budge when it feels like their boundaries are being crossed.

If OP needs to take a break from the inlaws for a while, she should, because that’s what’s good for her. It’s her home with DH, and their holidays, too. They’re hosting, so they get to set the rules. If the inlaws are mad about it, that’s not OP’s issue to fix.

OP told us all about the work she did during and leading up to the visit. There was no mention of enjoying her company whatsoever or looking forward to the visit. MIL picked up on this not so hidden resentment so she said something to her son. Do you all normally just dance around issues instead of just speaking up? OP still can't even make up her mind about speaking up. Going through the motions while seething with resentment expecting MIL to not notice is a tall order. So now it's all out in the open which is better than what was happening before.

Anonymous wrote:
Regardless of who did what, the bottom line is that the homeowner has the right to invite whom they please.

End of story.

Anonymous wrote:



Regardless of who did what, the bottom line is that the homeowner has the right to invite whom they please.

End of story.