Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 15:36     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.


I have zero issue with interracial dating/marriage, however I definitely wouldn't want my daughter marrying into the type of family that expects significant eldercare (both physical and financial) from the younger generation. I don't want her to be expected to live with her inlaws or allow them to live with her, or fund their retirement.


Eldercare doesn't seem to be race-correlated. Lots of whites take a significant part of eldercare when their parents get older. Some have their parents move to the same town or even move in to an in-law unit of their house.


Expectations for elder care are GREATLY influenced by both race and family culture. What is considered normal/typical/expected can vary widely and is often not the same between two different cultures. DH and I are from different religions and different regions of the US and our families have vastly different expectations of our help, our visits, our gifts, etc.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 15:26     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
This is quite the thread - I find the honesty refreshing actually, even if it is racist, classist, etc.

These are all factors we as parents think about. It's hard out there to make a good living nowadays, even as a super smart kid. Job security and high pay are not as guaranteed as they were when we were graduating.

I def don't want DD to bring home MAGA, although I can't imaging that happening. That would be a serious parenting fail.

And yes, I want her spouse to be from a somewhat similar SES, doesn't have to be as wealthy, but debt would be a huge burden. I'm ok with kid of tech immigrant - they're actually more down to earth than some others.

Yes, I would consider helping kid with down payment on a house - I mean, why not if you can afford it?

Very interesting comment from a PP that inherited wealth trumps salary.

Do you all talk to your kids about all these things? Or just hope for the best?
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 13:11     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Speaking as someone from high cost urban areas, like NYC and West Coast where real estate routinely costs >$1000/sq ft, it absolutely could take a million dollar downpayment to be able to carry a million dollar mortgage on a 300k combined income which is at the margin between middle and upper middle class. That would get you 2000 sq ft of home, on an income that seems reasonably likely to be achievable without having to be one of the lucky or talented few who can land that superstar unicorn job.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 08:26     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.


I don’t care about the race, more having matching socioeconomic background of the partner. So many more FGLI and Pell Grant kids at top schools nowadays. At least middle/upper middle class preferred. So much of post-grad life depends not just on smarts, but being able to access parental help, for a first downpayment, being able to avoid grad school loans, just even simple things like not having to help out extended family members if you’re the one who “made it big” from a FGLI family. It would be nice if our side is not the only one that can provide the help, and the other side is not going to be a financial burden. It’s the unfortunate realities of modern capitalist society. Inheritance trumps salary, even for super smart kids, in a lot of ways.


Nah. I and many of my ivy peers from the late 90s were first gen or pell grant or both. we all went to top law or med, or Goldman, make top 1-2% income now and donate to charities, pay for top privates live in 2million dollar houses up and down the east coast. Our SES did not hold us back. You do not understand the power of an ivy/stanford etc education and the doors it opens.


I am the poster to which you are responding. I am myself a former Pell Grant recipient at an Ivy, and certainly jumped SES compared to my parents, and am all those things which you describe above. What I'm saying is that the current capitalist economy is different from the 90s when you and I were coming up and benefitting from our Ivy educations. Nowadays, it's so much harder to get established as a young adult even with a great education, and a high paying profession. Even in the 90s, consider how different the post-grad years were for my friends from more modest families, compared to those who had parents who could help them out, even if they had identical jobs. Where I live, you'd need a million dollar downpayment just to get a reasonable "family home" of 2000 sq ft. Even with high wages, young grads will be saving for years and years, to scrape together a downpayment by the age of 40, unless they come from a family that can help, or at least, do not have huge student loan burden. I would prefer if our side are not the only ones who are able to provide that help.


Where do you live…Palo Alto? Considering this is DCUM, you most certainly don’t need $1MM as a down payment on a starter home in the DMV unless your idea of a down payment is 50%+ of the house value (and $2MM is far from a starter home).

Your kid could marry someone from a UMC background who just doesn’t agree with your view philosophically. I think DCUM provides a very distorted view of how the vast majority of even UMC parents think. I would wager less than 25% of UMC parents view a down payment as something they will provide their children.

BTW, I don’t understand how the economy is any more or less capitalistic than the 1990s. 1990-1994 was a generally crappy time looking for a job with overall unemployment much higher than today. 1995-1997 was good…then 1998-1999 was turbo as the dotcom boom took off.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 08:24     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:As long as they don’t bring home maga I’m good


This. Plus I would be sad if they fell in love with and settled down with someone who lived far away.
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 08:21     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
As long as they don’t bring home maga I’m good
Anonymous
Post 10/27/2025 08:16     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Go to a school where there are mostly intellectual peers: the friends and possible spouses will be smart enough for your kid, more likely to be ambitious with their goals, ie pHD, MD,JD, or top jobs in tech, finance either startups or best companies. For 99th%ile kids, the T15/ivy or even T20 undergrad choice sets them up to be among similar intellectual peers for most of their 20s and into early 30s. Perfect bestie/mate finding years.


this is a problem with my smart but a bit scatterbrained kid. He won't be able to get into anything remotely "elite". He needs a school with even keeled, fairly laid back but smart kids. Not even sure where to look


Midwest or west coast — all the smarts but more laid back
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2025 23:42     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.


there are white tech immigrants out there. Not as many but still.


From which countries?


DP. Many from eastern europe.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2025 23:08     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.


there are white tech immigrants out there. Not as many but still.


From which countries?
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2025 23:07     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.


I have zero issue with interracial dating/marriage, however I definitely wouldn't want my daughter marrying into the type of family that expects significant eldercare (both physical and financial) from the younger generation. I don't want her to be expected to live with her inlaws or allow them to live with her, or fund their retirement.


Eldercare doesn't seem to be race-correlated. Lots of whites take a significant part of eldercare when their parents get older. Some have their parents move to the same town or even move in to an in-law unit of their house.


Not the same as in South Asian culture, trust me. The parents of the husband run the house.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2025 23:04     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Go to a school where there are mostly intellectual peers: the friends and possible spouses will be smart enough for your kid, more likely to be ambitious with their goals, ie pHD, MD,JD, or top jobs in tech, finance either startups or best companies. For 99th%ile kids, the T15/ivy or even T20 undergrad choice sets them up to be among similar intellectual peers for most of their 20s and into early 30s. Perfect bestie/mate finding years.


this is a problem with my smart but a bit scatterbrained kid. He won't be able to get into anything remotely "elite". He needs a school with even keeled, fairly laid back but smart kids. Not even sure where to look


Same here. At a state school - we shall see


We have two tiers of state schools. the first tier is overtaken by the superachievers and hightly competitive now, the second has majority first gen. It feels very strange, and it's often the same with high schools here


Is “here” the DMV?
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2025 23:01     Subject: Re:is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes and it's why I took California schools off their lists. I don't want them settling down with someone who is from so far away.

BTW OP, this happens whether or not you are in favor of it. This is one thing that you truly have no control over. So of course it should be a consideration.


CA schools (at least publics) are so not worth it if you are OOS. Also lots of either first gen kids or kids of foreign born techies.


Harvard has 41% Asians many of them kids of foreign born techies. Add first gen and it is more than 50% not the kind of people you are looking to associate with.


What a horribly racist thing to say.


I suspect that is what many DCUM whites think, if not majority.



lol the non white non Christian PP was just as racist… Indian immigrants…. South Americans… frequently very racist against others…. But it’s only whites in your view, I’m sure…
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2025 22:33     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
I hear you. I hope my kids all fall in love during college at the very least
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2025 22:22     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.


I don’t care about the race, more having matching socioeconomic background of the partner. So many more FGLI and Pell Grant kids at top schools nowadays. At least middle/upper middle class preferred. So much of post-grad life depends not just on smarts, but being able to access parental help, for a first downpayment, being able to avoid grad school loans, just even simple things like not having to help out extended family members if you’re the one who “made it big” from a FGLI family. It would be nice if our side is not the only one that can provide the help, and the other side is not going to be a financial burden. It’s the unfortunate realities of modern capitalist society. Inheritance trumps salary, even for super smart kids, in a lot of ways.


Nah. I and many of my ivy peers from the late 90s were first gen or pell grant or both. we all went to top law or med, or Goldman, make top 1-2% income now and donate to charities, pay for top privates live in 2million dollar houses up and down the east coast. Our SES did not hold us back. You do not understand the power of an ivy/stanford etc education and the doors it opens.


I am the poster to which you are responding. I am myself a former Pell Grant recipient at an Ivy, and certainly jumped SES compared to my parents, and am all those things which you describe above. What I'm saying is that the current capitalist economy is different from the 90s when you and I were coming up and benefitting from our Ivy educations. Nowadays, it's so much harder to get established as a young adult even with a great education, and a high paying profession. Even in the 90s, consider how different the post-grad years were for my friends from more modest families, compared to those who had parents who could help them out, even if they had identical jobs. Where I live, you'd need a million dollar downpayment just to get a reasonable "family home" of 2000 sq ft. Even with high wages, young grads will be saving for years and years, to scrape together a downpayment by the age of 40, unless they come from a family that can help, or at least, do not have huge student loan burden. I would prefer if our side are not the only ones who are able to provide that help.
Anonymous
Post 10/26/2025 21:44     Subject: is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do parents worry about kids date/marry different races? For example, do white parents here worry that their ivy kids marrying tech immigrants’ kids since now there are over 40% of them at Harvard.


I have zero issue with interracial dating/marriage, however I definitely wouldn't want my daughter marrying into the type of family that expects significant eldercare (both physical and financial) from the younger generation. I don't want her to be expected to live with her inlaws or allow them to live with her, or fund their retirement.


Eldercare doesn't seem to be race-correlated. Lots of whites take a significant part of eldercare when their parents get older. Some have their parents move to the same town or even move in to an in-law unit of their house.