You’re not cutting off their relationship. He is perfectly capable of maintaining some kind of relationship with those kids, be it from a distance, or when he gets his life together, in person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, wow OK. I know I have responded to your posts before. My stbx had an affair 10 years ago, which I forgave. Then he blindsided me by leaving a year ago. It turns out it was another affair. I've become weird trauma besties with the other woman's husband. My ex also has a drinking problem.

Friend, what are you doing? No. You should be detaching much more than this. I have very intentionally held myself at a distance from my ex. When he tries to dump things on me, I go grey rock and compose funny texts about it to send to my friends later (Heroic Father Congratulates Self for Buying Food). I see how much I can get away with responding only "No way" or "Oh, bummer" in a flat tone of voice to whatever he says.

It has worked. There was the utter grief, then the anger, and now the detachment and indifference (understanding that it is of course fluid and non-linear). My stbx is a flaming dumpster fire of chaos, though to be fair, (currently) not to the level of your ex. When he sent me a sad selfie of himself in the hospital after breaking a bone doing a stupid sport (that he absolutely also sent to his girlfriend), I said, "Oh, bummer." Haha. I didn't ask about his surgery or how he was flying home with a broken bone or anything. Not my circus, not my monkeys. When I made a pointed remark about him driving when he wasn't supposed to, he unleashed a novel's worth of complaints about how he was "supporting both of us" and blah blah blah. I didn't read it carefully or respond. Detach, detach, detach. That is what divorce means.

I think your kids are older? Mine are younger teens. They see him for what he is. They are constantly disappointed. "Daddy literally has no food. Like, what does he expect us to do?" "I hate how Daddy makes us DoorDash ourselves dinner every night while he goes out." "Daddy always says he can give me a ride and then the day before he tells me I have to find a ride." It's frustrating. But I cannot save them from those frustrations. I mean, I'm not going to leave my kid stranded on the side of the road. I will go pick them up. But I do NOT anticipate all the ways he is going to let them down and then problem-solve that for him. I did do that, for many years. That was our marriage. I was really good at it. But I am so, so happy to be freed from that burden. Seriously, sometimes I cry about how happy I am to be relieved of it.

Also . . . dating? Like, right away? When you haven't done the work on your co-dependency?

I don't mean to come down too hard on you or to act like I have all the answers. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, haha. And I know you are trying to hold the world together, just as you always have. But there's no shortcuts here. Take a step back from all the men in your life and just let yourself be. Be alone with yourself for a minute until you can hear your own voice again.

My ex has literally left my kid stranded at a high school football game when he was ~11. Dropped him off. Forgot to pick him up. Phone died. Kid waited under the bleachers so the security guards wouldn’t question him. Called me once it was obvious dad would never show up. These things happen, but he’s now proficient in using uber, and can cook for himself if he doesn’t want door dash. The silver lining is that he’s much more mature and independent than his friends. He knows dad is unreliable but doesn’t completely hate him.

Yeah, for someone who held the world together like OP seems to have done, it was unimaginable to me to just let the rope drop. But my kids are fine. Actually, I think it's better for them to understand that their dad is unreliable, than for me to try to muscle his flaws into not existing. Our kids shouldn't have to be this independent and self-reliant at this age, but the price is that the dysfunctional parent sacrifices a closer, more stable relationship with them as the kids are like, WTF, why can't you adult better.

The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was helpful.

Anonymous wrote:Op has time for the kids, parent her still husband, work, heal from a Concorde that hasn’t happened yet, have a new boyfriend, and to write novellas on DCUM.


Cmon now.

Anonymous wrote:Time for some tough love OP, so here it is:

I checked the date of your first post. It was January 3 of 2023. It’s now September 2nd 2025 and you’re spiraling because of this man.

Drop him.

And I mean that. Yes he’s the father of your children. You’re not cutting off their relationship. He is perfectly capable of maintaining some kind of relationship with those kids, be it from a distance, or when he gets his life together, in person. But you need to drop him. All of it. The finances with him, the investment that you have and how much he’s exercising, just all of it. You’re codependent with him and he’s going drag you down.

Keep your house. Your mortgage and rate are great.
Kids go to public school.
529’s are defunct until insurance and your retirement are shorted up.
Delay the divorce until you can pay for an atty.
That’s it.

Last thing: drop the boyfriend. I actually gasped out loud when I read that you’re trying to date through all of this. I’m honestly not sure what’s going on there, but that is a symptom of unhealthy choices. You do not have to bandwidth for a boyfriend right now. And I say that as another single mom who understands the need for companionship.

Yeah, for someone who held the world together like OP seems to have done, it was unimaginable to me to just let the rope drop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, wow OK. I know I have responded to your posts before. My stbx had an affair 10 years ago, which I forgave. Then he blindsided me by leaving a year ago. It turns out it was another affair. I've become weird trauma besties with the other woman's husband. My ex also has a drinking problem.

Friend, what are you doing? No. You should be detaching much more than this. I have very intentionally held myself at a distance from my ex. When he tries to dump things on me, I go grey rock and compose funny texts about it to send to my friends later (Heroic Father Congratulates Self for Buying Food). I see how much I can get away with responding only "No way" or "Oh, bummer" in a flat tone of voice to whatever he says.

It has worked. There was the utter grief, then the anger, and now the detachment and indifference (understanding that it is of course fluid and non-linear). My stbx is a flaming dumpster fire of chaos, though to be fair, (currently) not to the level of your ex. When he sent me a sad selfie of himself in the hospital after breaking a bone doing a stupid sport (that he absolutely also sent to his girlfriend), I said, "Oh, bummer." Haha. I didn't ask about his surgery or how he was flying home with a broken bone or anything. Not my circus, not my monkeys. When I made a pointed remark about him driving when he wasn't supposed to, he unleashed a novel's worth of complaints about how he was "supporting both of us" and blah blah blah. I didn't read it carefully or respond. Detach, detach, detach. That is what divorce means.

I think your kids are older? Mine are younger teens. They see him for what he is. They are constantly disappointed. "Daddy literally has no food. Like, what does he expect us to do?" "I hate how Daddy makes us DoorDash ourselves dinner every night while he goes out." "Daddy always says he can give me a ride and then the day before he tells me I have to find a ride." It's frustrating. But I cannot save them from those frustrations. I mean, I'm not going to leave my kid stranded on the side of the road. I will go pick them up. But I do NOT anticipate all the ways he is going to let them down and then problem-solve that for him. I did do that, for many years. That was our marriage. I was really good at it. But I am so, so happy to be freed from that burden. Seriously, sometimes I cry about how happy I am to be relieved of it.

Also . . . dating? Like, right away? When you haven't done the work on your co-dependency?

I don't mean to come down too hard on you or to act like I have all the answers. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, haha. And I know you are trying to hold the world together, just as you always have. But there's no shortcuts here. Take a step back from all the men in your life and just let yourself be. Be alone with yourself for a minute until you can hear your own voice again.

My ex has literally left my kid stranded at a high school football game when he was ~11. Dropped him off. Forgot to pick him up. Phone died. Kid waited under the bleachers so the security guards wouldn’t question him. Called me once it was obvious dad would never show up. These things happen, but he’s now proficient in using uber, and can cook for himself if he doesn’t want door dash. The silver lining is that he’s much more mature and independent than his friends. He knows dad is unreliable but doesn’t completely hate him.

Yeah, for someone who held the world together like OP seems to have done, it was unimaginable to me to just let the rope drop. But my kids are fine. Actually, I think it's better for them to understand that their dad is unreliable, than for me to try to muscle his flaws into not existing. Our kids shouldn't have to be this independent and self-reliant at this age, but the price is that the dysfunctional parent sacrifices a closer, more stable relationship with them as the kids are like, WTF, why can't you adult better.

The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, wow OK. I know I have responded to your posts before. My stbx had an affair 10 years ago, which I forgave. Then he blindsided me by leaving a year ago. It turns out it was another affair. I've become weird trauma besties with the other woman's husband. My ex also has a drinking problem.

Friend, what are you doing? No. You should be detaching much more than this. I have very intentionally held myself at a distance from my ex. When he tries to dump things on me, I go grey rock and compose funny texts about it to send to my friends later (Heroic Father Congratulates Self for Buying Food). I see how much I can get away with responding only "No way" or "Oh, bummer" in a flat tone of voice to whatever he says.

It has worked. There was the utter grief, then the anger, and now the detachment and indifference (understanding that it is of course fluid and non-linear). My stbx is a flaming dumpster fire of chaos, though to be fair, (currently) not to the level of your ex. When he sent me a sad selfie of himself in the hospital after breaking a bone doing a stupid sport (that he absolutely also sent to his girlfriend), I said, "Oh, bummer." Haha. I didn't ask about his surgery or how he was flying home with a broken bone or anything. Not my circus, not my monkeys. When I made a pointed remark about him driving when he wasn't supposed to, he unleashed a novel's worth of complaints about how he was "supporting both of us" and blah blah blah. I didn't read it carefully or respond. Detach, detach, detach. That is what divorce means.

I think your kids are older? Mine are younger teens. They see him for what he is. They are constantly disappointed. "Daddy literally has no food. Like, what does he expect us to do?" "I hate how Daddy makes us DoorDash ourselves dinner every night while he goes out." "Daddy always says he can give me a ride and then the day before he tells me I have to find a ride." It's frustrating. But I cannot save them from those frustrations. I mean, I'm not going to leave my kid stranded on the side of the road. I will go pick them up. But I do NOT anticipate all the ways he is going to let them down and then problem-solve that for him. I did do that, for many years. That was our marriage. I was really good at it. But I am so, so happy to be freed from that burden. Seriously, sometimes I cry about how happy I am to be relieved of it.

Also . . . dating? Like, right away? When you haven't done the work on your co-dependency?

I don't mean to come down too hard on you or to act like I have all the answers. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, haha. And I know you are trying to hold the world together, just as you always have. But there's no shortcuts here. Take a step back from all the men in your life and just let yourself be. Be alone with yourself for a minute until you can hear your own voice again.

My ex has literally left my kid stranded at a high school football game when he was ~11. Dropped him off. Forgot to pick him up. Phone died. Kid waited under the bleachers so the security guards wouldn’t question him. Called me once it was obvious dad would never show up. These things happen, but he’s now proficient in using uber, and can cook for himself if he doesn’t want door dash. The silver lining is that he’s much more mature and independent than his friends. He knows dad is unreliable but doesn’t completely hate him.