Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband 5 minutes ago: "I was thinking that in order to avoid the Mother's Day crowds, we should go out to dinner tonight, wherever you want to go" and then walks upstairs to take a nap. IT IS SATURDAY AFTERNOON AND YOU ARE ASKING ME TO PLAN MY OWN MOTHER'S DAY DINNER FOR THIS EVENING? I want to cry.

What exactly did you need him to do? He said you can eat wherever you want, so aren't you going to just...go there? Or you're saying you need a reservation, so he should have waited to find out where you wanted to go and then made the reservation before taking a nap?

He should have had the plan in place before telling PP that "he was thinking" about maybe doing something that would require her to do any work.

Why does she have to do any work? Because she has to come up with the place that she wants to eat? So instead he should intuit where she wants to eat. Ok. Heaven forbid he get that wrong.

Like a week ago he could have said, "I'd like to take you to Good Food Place for Mother's Day dinner. How's that sound? If good I'll make the reservation. If not where else would you like to go?"

This stuff is not so very complicated! Sure, it is if you're with someone who refuses to talk or plays weird games. But if you're a normal person married to another normal person? Why are you making it so complicated??

Well I think you’ve tapped into the issue.

I don’t do anything for DH for Father’s Day but I do make sure my kids do. When they were younger, it was something crafty as they get older it’s time to spend together.

All I would ask for is for him to do the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband explicitly what I wanted several weeks ago. We also discussed our Father’s Day plans in the same discussion.

I would love for him to intuit that I need to sleep in, want breakfast from this particular bakery, and want it delivered to me in bed before we go to see my sister and her children, then he takes off with our kids to see his mother while I relax with my sister. But it’s really unlikely that he’ll do so and frankly I’m in my 30s and don’t need to settle for some kind of half-assery, so my make my wishes known up front.

Why? Why on earth would you expect that he would know the exact thing you want to do for Mother's Day? Do you know exactly what he wants to do for Father's Day? Why wouldn't you be willing to be clear about what you want rather than expecting someone to read your mind and then be upset when they do it wrong? It's like you people are setting your husbands up to fail a test or something.

I know exactly what my husband wants for Father’s Day: Golf with our teen sons, grilling outside, and a bj later that night.
I can also tell you what every woman wants for Mother’s Day: something cute from the kids, a meal that she doesn’t have to prepare, a card with something nice written in it, and some time alone to relax.

None of this is hard.

I can also tell you that my husband does NOT want me to come to him the Saturday before Father’s Day and ask him to plan the day out.

+1. Haha this is spot on for what DH and I both want on mothers/Father’s Day.

I don’t see why people wouldn’t take advantage of a day to appreciate their spouse. And, presumably, people who have been together long enough to have kids have some idea of what each other find enjoyable or relaxing. Right…?

Because I'd rather my spouse and I appreciate each other regularly.

To me, the people who are unhappy about whatever they did or didn't get on Mother's Day are generally unhappy in their marriages. I love my spouse and we have a great marriage, so I don't get upset about birthdays or other holidays. We get each other stuff randomly throughout the year and discuss our wants and needs on a regular basis, so any single "day" doesn't carry more weight than another.

I hate when people act like those are the only two options. Especially on Valentine's day.

Like its either: tell them you love them every day but ignore valentine's day OR be cold and distant all year but go over the top of Feb 14th.

As if there isn't a middle ground where you appreciate and love them everyday but also use the opportunity to put it into words and express that love in a new way.

+1. It’s weird that you have to explain this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband 5 minutes ago: "I was thinking that in order to avoid the Mother's Day crowds, we should go out to dinner tonight, wherever you want to go" and then walks upstairs to take a nap. IT IS SATURDAY AFTERNOON AND YOU ARE ASKING ME TO PLAN MY OWN MOTHER'S DAY DINNER FOR THIS EVENING? I want to cry.

What exactly did you need him to do? He said you can eat wherever you want, so aren't you going to just...go there? Or you're saying you need a reservation, so he should have waited to find out where you wanted to go and then made the reservation before taking a nap?

He should have had the plan in place before telling PP that "he was thinking" about maybe doing something that would require her to do any work.

Why does she have to do any work? Because she has to come up with the place that she wants to eat? So instead he should intuit where she wants to eat. Ok. Heaven forbid he get that wrong.

Like a week ago he could have said, "I'd like to take you to Good Food Place for Mother's Day dinner. How's that sound? If good I'll make the reservation. If not where else would you like to go?"

This stuff is not so very complicated! Sure, it is if you're with someone who refuses to talk or plays weird games. But if you're a normal person married to another normal person? Why are you making it so complicated??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband explicitly what I wanted several weeks ago. We also discussed our Father’s Day plans in the same discussion.

I would love for him to intuit that I need to sleep in, want breakfast from this particular bakery, and want it delivered to me in bed before we go to see my sister and her children, then he takes off with our kids to see his mother while I relax with my sister. But it’s really unlikely that he’ll do so and frankly I’m in my 30s and don’t need to settle for some kind of half-assery, so my make my wishes known up front.

Why? Why on earth would you expect that he would know the exact thing you want to do for Mother's Day? Do you know exactly what he wants to do for Father's Day? Why wouldn't you be willing to be clear about what you want rather than expecting someone to read your mind and then be upset when they do it wrong? It's like you people are setting your husbands up to fail a test or something.

I know exactly what my husband wants for Father’s Day: Golf with our teen sons, grilling outside, and a bj later that night.
I can also tell you what every woman wants for Mother’s Day: something cute from the kids, a meal that she doesn’t have to prepare, a card with something nice written in it, and some time alone to relax.

None of this is hard.

I can also tell you that my husband does NOT want me to come to him the Saturday before Father’s Day and ask him to plan the day out.

+1. Haha this is spot on for what DH and I both want on mothers/Father’s Day.

I don’t see why people wouldn’t take advantage of a day to appreciate their spouse. And, presumably, people who have been together long enough to have kids have some idea of what each other find enjoyable or relaxing. Right…?

Because I'd rather my spouse and I appreciate each other regularly.

To me, the people who are unhappy about whatever they did or didn't get on Mother's Day are generally unhappy in their marriages. I love my spouse and we have a great marriage, so I don't get upset about birthdays or other holidays. We get each other stuff randomly throughout the year and discuss our wants and needs on a regular basis, so any single "day" doesn't carry more weight than another.

I hate when people act like those are the only two options. Especially on Valentine's day.

Like its either: tell them you love them every day but ignore valentine's day OR be cold and distant all year but go over the top of Feb 14th.

As if there isn't a middle ground where you appreciate and love them everyday but also use the opportunity to put it into words and express that love in a new way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband explicitly what I wanted several weeks ago. We also discussed our Father’s Day plans in the same discussion.

I would love for him to intuit that I need to sleep in, want breakfast from this particular bakery, and want it delivered to me in bed before we go to see my sister and her children, then he takes off with our kids to see his mother while I relax with my sister. But it’s really unlikely that he’ll do so and frankly I’m in my 30s and don’t need to settle for some kind of half-assery, so my make my wishes known up front.

Why? Why on earth would you expect that he would know the exact thing you want to do for Mother's Day? Do you know exactly what he wants to do for Father's Day? Why wouldn't you be willing to be clear about what you want rather than expecting someone to read your mind and then be upset when they do it wrong? It's like you people are setting your husbands up to fail a test or something.

I know exactly what my husband wants for Father’s Day: Golf with our teen sons, grilling outside, and a bj later that night.
I can also tell you what every woman wants for Mother’s Day: something cute from the kids, a meal that she doesn’t have to prepare, a card with something nice written in it, and some time alone to relax.

None of this is hard.

I can also tell you that my husband does NOT want me to come to him the Saturday before Father’s Day and ask him to plan the day out.

+1. Haha this is spot on for what DH and I both want on mothers/Father’s Day.

I don’t see why people wouldn’t take advantage of a day to appreciate their spouse. And, presumably, people who have been together long enough to have kids have some idea of what each other find enjoyable or relaxing. Right…?

Because I'd rather my spouse and I appreciate each other regularly.

To me, the people who are unhappy about whatever they did or didn't get on Mother's Day are generally unhappy in their marriages. I love my spouse and we have a great marriage, so I don't get upset about birthdays or other holidays. We get each other stuff randomly throughout the year and discuss our wants and needs on a regular basis, so any single "day" doesn't carry more weight than another.

Pp I actually completely agree with you that I see Mother’s Day/holiday complaints as part of a larger relationship problem. I also think it’s completely fine to want a low key approach since you are typically satisfied in your marriage.

I just think it’s sad that there are people relying on a day with the hopes that their spouse will do something nice for them. And then are berated by posters for wanting their spouse to be considerate. It has to be terrible to have a spouse who doesn’t make an effort on a regular basis or on a “special day” and has no idea how to make their partner happy. But, to your point, 100% a relationship problem, not a Mother’s Day specific problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband explicitly what I wanted several weeks ago. We also discussed our Father’s Day plans in the same discussion.

I would love for him to intuit that I need to sleep in, want breakfast from this particular bakery, and want it delivered to me in bed before we go to see my sister and her children, then he takes off with our kids to see his mother while I relax with my sister. But it’s really unlikely that he’ll do so and frankly I’m in my 30s and don’t need to settle for some kind of half-assery, so my make my wishes known up front.

Why? Why on earth would you expect that he would know the exact thing you want to do for Mother's Day? Do you know exactly what he wants to do for Father's Day? Why wouldn't you be willing to be clear about what you want rather than expecting someone to read your mind and then be upset when they do it wrong? It's like you people are setting your husbands up to fail a test or something.

I know exactly what my husband wants for Father’s Day: Golf with our teen sons, grilling outside, and a bj later that night.
I can also tell you what every woman wants for Mother’s Day: something cute from the kids, a meal that she doesn’t have to prepare, a card with something nice written in it, and some time alone to relax.

None of this is hard.

I can also tell you that my husband does NOT want me to come to him the Saturday before Father’s Day and ask him to plan the day out.

+1. Haha this is spot on for what DH and I both want on mothers/Father’s Day.

I don’t see why people wouldn’t take advantage of a day to appreciate their spouse. And, presumably, people who have been together long enough to have kids have some idea of what each other find enjoyable or relaxing. Right…?

Because I'd rather my spouse and I appreciate each other regularly.

To me, the people who are unhappy about whatever they did or didn't get on Mother's Day are generally unhappy in their marriages. I love my spouse and we have a great marriage, so I don't get upset about birthdays or other holidays. We get each other stuff randomly throughout the year and discuss our wants and needs on a regular basis, so any single "day" doesn't carry more weight than another.

Then why are you on this thread?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband explicitly what I wanted several weeks ago. We also discussed our Father’s Day plans in the same discussion.

I would love for him to intuit that I need to sleep in, want breakfast from this particular bakery, and want it delivered to me in bed before we go to see my sister and her children, then he takes off with our kids to see his mother while I relax with my sister. But it’s really unlikely that he’ll do so and frankly I’m in my 30s and don’t need to settle for some kind of half-assery, so my make my wishes known up front.

I think people are really different on this. I don’t really have any wishes other than that DH think about what might (realistically) make me happy.

Yeah that’s just it. I’m not setting some arbitrary “you think about what will make me happy” metric. He could think for hours and get it wrong. Why set a test when the only person who is impacted by the results is me?

It isn’t a test. He couldn’t think for hours and get it wrong.
If he thought about it for an hour, then he would get it right. Because him thinking about it IS what I want.
There is nothing for me to tell him to do. I can buy my own breakfast from a particular bakery or even have it delivered if I don’t want to get out of bed. No need for a middle man. I want him to think about me. I would rather have something that isn’t my favorite that he genuinely thought about and thought I would like.

You sound exhausting.

Why? I mean, my kids do this. My mom and sister do. My friends do. I do it for DH, the kids, my family, and my friends.

What’s so exhausting about thinking about someone else and doing something they might like?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband 5 minutes ago: "I was thinking that in order to avoid the Mother's Day crowds, we should go out to dinner tonight, wherever you want to go" and then walks upstairs to take a nap. IT IS SATURDAY AFTERNOON AND YOU ARE ASKING ME TO PLAN MY OWN MOTHER'S DAY DINNER FOR THIS EVENING? I want to cry.

What exactly did you need him to do? He said you can eat wherever you want, so aren't you going to just...go there? Or you're saying you need a reservation, so he should have waited to find out where you wanted to go and then made the reservation before taking a nap?

He should have had the plan in place before telling PP that "he was thinking" about maybe doing something that would require her to do any work.

Why does she have to do any work? Because she has to come up with the place that she wants to eat? So instead he should intuit where she wants to eat. Ok. Heaven forbid he get that wrong.

NP. How can you not understand this dynamic? Have you ever had a significant other? He was linking Saturday night’s dinner to Mother’s Day, as though there would be some Mother’s Day observance, but really, he’s just saying the holiday is an inconvenience, so please make your special dinner happen at a time that would be more pleasant for him and then take him there after his nap. Presumably they were always planning to eat dinner on Saturday night, so her Mother’s Day celebration is getting to pick the restaurant. Whoopee.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband explicitly what I wanted several weeks ago. We also discussed our Father’s Day plans in the same discussion.

I would love for him to intuit that I need to sleep in, want breakfast from this particular bakery, and want it delivered to me in bed before we go to see my sister and her children, then he takes off with our kids to see his mother while I relax with my sister. But it’s really unlikely that he’ll do so and frankly I’m in my 30s and don’t need to settle for some kind of half-assery, so my make my wishes known up front.

Why? Why on earth would you expect that he would know the exact thing you want to do for Mother's Day? Do you know exactly what he wants to do for Father's Day? Why wouldn't you be willing to be clear about what you want rather than expecting someone to read your mind and then be upset when they do it wrong? It's like you people are setting your husbands up to fail a test or something.

I know exactly what my husband wants for Father’s Day: Golf with our teen sons, grilling outside, and a bj later that night.
I can also tell you what every woman wants for Mother’s Day: something cute from the kids, a meal that she doesn’t have to prepare, a card with something nice written in it, and some time alone to relax.

None of this is hard.

I can also tell you that my husband does NOT want me to come to him the Saturday before Father’s Day and ask him to plan the day out.

+1. Haha this is spot on for what DH and I both want on mothers/Father’s Day.

I don’t see why people wouldn’t take advantage of a day to appreciate their spouse. And, presumably, people who have been together long enough to have kids have some idea of what each other find enjoyable or relaxing. Right…?

Because I'd rather my spouse and I appreciate each other regularly.

To me, the people who are unhappy about whatever they did or didn't get on Mother's Day are generally unhappy in their marriages. I love my spouse and we have a great marriage, so I don't get upset about birthdays or other holidays. We get each other stuff randomly throughout the year and discuss our wants and needs on a regular basis, so any single "day" doesn't carry more weight than another.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband 5 minutes ago: "I was thinking that in order to avoid the Mother's Day crowds, we should go out to dinner tonight, wherever you want to go" and then walks upstairs to take a nap. IT IS SATURDAY AFTERNOON AND YOU ARE ASKING ME TO PLAN MY OWN MOTHER'S DAY DINNER FOR THIS EVENING? I want to cry.

What exactly did you need him to do? He said you can eat wherever you want, so aren't you going to just...go there? Or you're saying you need a reservation, so he should have waited to find out where you wanted to go and then made the reservation before taking a nap?

He should have had the plan in place before telling PP that "he was thinking" about maybe doing something that would require her to do any work.

Why does she have to do any work? Because she has to come up with the place that she wants to eat? So instead he should intuit where she wants to eat. Ok. Heaven forbid he get that wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told my husband explicitly what I wanted several weeks ago. We also discussed our Father’s Day plans in the same discussion.

I would love for him to intuit that I need to sleep in, want breakfast from this particular bakery, and want it delivered to me in bed before we go to see my sister and her children, then he takes off with our kids to see his mother while I relax with my sister. But it’s really unlikely that he’ll do so and frankly I’m in my 30s and don’t need to settle for some kind of half-assery, so my make my wishes known up front.

I think people are really different on this. I don’t really have any wishes other than that DH think about what might (realistically) make me happy.

Yeah that’s just it. I’m not setting some arbitrary “you think about what will make me happy” metric. He could think for hours and get it wrong. Why set a test when the only person who is impacted by the results is me?

It isn’t a test. He couldn’t think for hours and get it wrong.
If he thought about it for an hour, then he would get it right. Because him thinking about it IS what I want.
There is nothing for me to tell him to do. I can buy my own breakfast from a particular bakery or even have it delivered if I don’t want to get out of bed. No need for a middle man. I want him to think about me. I would rather have something that isn’t my favorite that he genuinely thought about and thought I would like.

You sound exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how to tell my DH that I would rather we just ignore the holiday completely instead of having him half-ass something when he would clearly rather be scrolling his phone. It makes me feel way less loved than normal and then I wonder if I’m just normally delusional.

Tell him you would rather just ignore the holiday completely. That's a full sentence.

My kids like doing stuff for Mother's Day and Father's Day so we do it, but we don't celebrate Valentine's Day with each other. We are kind and loving to each other 365 days a year, so I don't need or want to spend that particular evening out at dinner when restaurants are overly crowded. So I asked him if he cared and said that I did not (this is when we were dating). We each decided to ignore the holiday and so we do. Just use your words.

And by the way, I am sorry for the situation you are in, and I don't think you're delusional at all. I do think holidays like Mother's Day can highlight issues in relationships and cause people to be upset. If your husband doesn't do anything for Mother's Day or help your kids do something, then to me that's just an example of how he generally treats you, and it can be amplified on a day when people are posting photos of their amazing families and gushing about their spouses. I personally don't have a close relationship with my own mother and my dad, to whom I was very close, died a couple of years ago, so Mother's Day and Father's Day are events I would rather skip entirely but I suck it up for my kids' sake. Maybe you can start a tradition where you get to do something for yourself for Mother's Day weekend. You may have to plan it, but at least it would be what you wanted? I know that's not the same as feeling appreciated by your husband, but maybe it would help take the sting out of the holiday for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Guys - if you are married to someone who cares about Mother's Day, then do something that will make them happy and feel appreciated. If you are married to someone who's cool sending themselves flowers, then keep not doing anything. It's pretty easy.

Except the hard part is figuring out if she really doesn't care about Mother's Day or is just pretending not to care in order to test you, and if you take her words at face value then she'll be seething and will punish you for it. (See also: Valentine's Day)

If someone says they don't care but they actually do then that it on them, not you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My complaint is that I have a mother figure who is probably expecting something. Every year it’s agony because she doesn’t live close by, she has her own family (who are hopefully taking her out so lunch is not an option), I’ve never sent anyone flowers so I don’t know how to do this and trying to make myself research it is too much. I’ve sent her a card on Thursday. I hope it gets there on time.

Holidays are my curse because I don’t like them, I only remotely like new years but that’s it.

How did you make it to adulthood? You can order flowers in 10 minutes online.

+1 Researching how to send flowers is crazy. Google "flower delivery", open website, pick flowers, enter information, and click "submit".

With all due respect, I think you and the prior PP are missing the underlying tone of depression in the first PP's post. As someone who also has stress around holidays due to family issues, I get it. Yes, searching for how to order flowers is objectively easy, but it's more the mental/emotional part of it that is what causes blockage. Anyway, just a PSA next time someone posts something like the above, maybe empathy instead of sarcasm could be the right choice. Or just stay silent.