Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there may be men like that - I hope there aren't women who want that. The idea that women aren't independent and should be dependent on their husbands like a child isn't anything to aspire to. Women are capable, competent adults and should be contributing. Life as an adult and with a family costs money. No one should have kids thinking they have no financial responsibility to their children or for themselves.

Just like no one should have kids thinking they have no hands on responsibility to their children.

The days should be long gone where dad has 100% financial responsibility and mom has 100% hands on responsibility.

Families take money and time and both parents should be contributing in both ways.

I don't really have much respect for any adult who thinks that living off other people is something to aspire too. Being a barnacle isn't really a great quality to have.

What you are describing is not what OP was describing. A spouse who wants to support you in making your own choices to stay at home, work, make a career change etc etc is different from a spouse pressuring you to stay home.

Also calling sahms “barnacles” is so disrespectful. Why the hate for women making a choice that works for their family? Focus on your own grass

I am not saying sahp are barnacles. I am speaking to the attitude that a woman being a dependent and being looked after by a man is something g to aspire to. A dream man being someone who pays for everything is no different to me from a dream woman being one who does all child and domestic care. The attitude of one person doing it all to absolve the other of parental and adult responsibilities is not something I want any of my kids to aspire to. I would feel very disappointed in my young adult children if they saw a dream partner as one who either took on full care of them financially or took on full care of them domestically so that they had 0% of the responsibility in that area. I would also be disappointed if they offered that to a partner and weren’t looking for equality in a marriage.

If two equal partners decide post marriage that one person staying at home for a few years until the kids are in school is what makes the most sense for their family…fine. That is completely different from the attitude in the OP and subsequent responses of what makes one a good spouse or dream partner is taking on 100% of an entire area of adult and financial responsibility.

One spouse who doesn’t feel or take on any financial responsibility to me is the exact same as one spouse whose doesn’t feel or take any childcare or household responsibilities.

Blah blah blah No one cares get over yourself and your big “job” you sound self important

I didn’t even mention a job let alone a big job. You cared enough to answer although without anything to really contribute.

I would do anything to be a stay at home dad but I make way too much money and I am handcuffed for the time being. My time is coming!

Anonymous wrote:Some of y’all just love being a wage slave and helping make someone else richer a little too much. You’ll definitely be glad that’s how you spent your time when you’re old.

Yes, and these are the same women filling up many of the other fora on DCUM about how exhausted they are, how depressed they are, etc. Choose it if you want to, but own the consequences of being a working mother and stop slamming people who don't choose that life.

“There are no solutions. There are only trade offs.” -Thomas Sowell.

I don’t know that it was my “dream” to have a SAHM. It was a preference partially because that is how I was raised. On our second date my now wife told me she would be willing to work but her dream was to be a SAHM. She put me through graduate school and then stopped working the Friday before my first day at my post grad job (two of our kids born during graduate school). It has worked well for us. We’ll celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary later this year.

Yes, women in her situation can end up in tough spots. But so can men and women in any home/work arrangement. There is no magic “have it all option.” Every choice comes with a set of benefits and costs. Everyone just has to choose which set of benefits/costs they prefer. I completely understand that some men AND women would look at our situation and say “no way would I put myself in that position.”

She has sacrificed a career, and I’ve sacrificed much of a personal life outside of our family and work. Beyond my college friendships virtually all of my friendships/socialization (what little time there is for that) are derivative of work/family life.

Before any one asks.

-We don’t need her income, so not worried there.
-I do a lot more cooking than my wife (I handle breakfast every morning. Because it matters to me and I cook on the weekends because I enjoy it). We outsource the rest.
-I really enjoy outdoor work around the house but we outsource much of it. Though my wife has been power spraying the house and decks these past few weeks and she loves gardening.
-we outsource most of our home cleaning with the exception of the kids having to clean their own space/laundry.
-LOL at the idea of me being in control of the money. She handles the day-to-day finances and I take the lead on the long term planning. I don’t even know the logins to our accounts other than the brokerage account.

“There are no solutions. There are only tradeoffs.”

Anonymous wrote:My father-in-law worked two jobs his whole life and at our wedding, his only advice to my DH is “don’t make her get a job”. I think it’s cultural. I stayed home with the children when they were young, and work part-time now when they are in school. But my DH still pays all the bills, he basically says my paycheck is mine to do with whatever (it’s not much, I put it into my retirement savings).

This is very typical for Muslim women but yet in the west we are labeled as being backward. Men are supposed to provide and our paycheck is ours. It’s not a recommendation that our paycheck is ours. It’s actually a religious thing. If the man can’t provide then women will need to work and that’s fine. I work PT and don’t make a lot of money but I use most of it for kids activities and my ROTH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there women out there that have the same dream for their men? Because I don’t love going to the office every day, and would happily have the choice not to.

I am amazed at how old-fashioned Americans sense of gender roles are compared with my home country.

I come from a third world country, and I don't know a single woman there who does not work. It does not matter how rich/ wealthy husband's are there: every woman has something doing. The wealthy wives don't have an office job, but they all have some type of business going on, and it's usually very lucrative since they have access to wealthy clients.

The poorer women without oranges would sell oranges, spices, doughnuts, etc. You'd be amazed at the money they can make selling these basic items.

Every woman ( adult) should have their own source of income. It dies not have to be a traditional/ rigid job if one can afford the flexibility and uncertainty.

Weird. My husband is from one of the poorest countries and the majority of women don’t work if they are middle or upper class. I work but I don’t have any hang ups toward women who don’t. Mind your own business.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there may be men like that - I hope there aren't women who want that. The idea that women aren't independent and should be dependent on their husbands like a child isn't anything to aspire to. Women are capable, competent adults and should be contributing. Life as an adult and with a family costs money. No one should have kids thinking they have no financial responsibility to their children or for themselves.

Just like no one should have kids thinking they have no hands on responsibility to their children.

The days should be long gone where dad has 100% financial responsibility and mom has 100% hands on responsibility.

Families take money and time and both parents should be contributing in both ways.

I don't really have much respect for any adult who thinks that living off other people is something to aspire too. Being a barnacle isn't really a great quality to have.

What you are describing is not what OP was describing. A spouse who wants to support you in making your own choices to stay at home, work, make a career change etc etc is different from a spouse pressuring you to stay home.

Also calling sahms “barnacles” is so disrespectful. Why the hate for women making a choice that works for their family? Focus on your own grass

I am not saying sahp are barnacles. I am speaking to the attitude that a woman being a dependent and being looked after by a man is something g to aspire to. A dream man being someone who pays for everything is no different to me from a dream woman being one who does all child and domestic care. The attitude of one person doing it all to absolve the other of parental and adult responsibilities is not something I want any of my kids to aspire to. I would feel very disappointed in my young adult children if they saw a dream partner as one who either took on full care of them financially or took on full care of them domestically so that they had 0% of the responsibility in that area. I would also be disappointed if they offered that to a partner and weren’t looking for equality in a marriage.

If two equal partners decide post marriage that one person staying at home for a few years until the kids are in school is what makes the most sense for their family…fine. That is completely different from the attitude in the OP and subsequent responses of what makes one a good spouse or dream partner is taking on 100% of an entire area of adult and financial responsibility.

One spouse who doesn’t feel or take on any financial responsibility to me is the exact same as one spouse whose doesn’t feel or take any childcare or household responsibilities.

Blah blah blah No one cares get over yourself and your big “job” you sound self important

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there may be men like that - I hope there aren't women who want that. The idea that women aren't independent and should be dependent on their husbands like a child isn't anything to aspire to. Women are capable, competent adults and should be contributing. Life as an adult and with a family costs money. No one should have kids thinking they have no financial responsibility to their children or for themselves.

Just like no one should have kids thinking they have no hands on responsibility to their children.

The days should be long gone where dad has 100% financial responsibility and mom has 100% hands on responsibility.

Families take money and time and both parents should be contributing in both ways.

I don't really have much respect for any adult who thinks that living off other people is something to aspire too. Being a barnacle isn't really a great quality to have.

What you are describing is not what OP was describing. A spouse who wants to support you in making your own choices to stay at home, work, make a career change etc etc is different from a spouse pressuring you to stay home.

Also calling sahms “barnacles” is so disrespectful. Why the hate for women making a choice that works for their family? Focus on your own grass

I am not saying sahp are barnacles. I am speaking to the attitude that a woman being a dependent and being looked after by a man is something g to aspire to. A dream man being someone who pays for everything is no different to me from a dream woman being one who does all child and domestic care. The attitude of one person doing it all to absolve the other of parental and adult responsibilities is not something I want any of my kids to aspire to. I would feel very disappointed in my young adult children if they saw a dream partner as one who either took on full care of them financially or took on full care of them domestically so that they had 0% of the responsibility in that area. I would also be disappointed if they offered that to a partner and weren’t looking for equality in a marriage.

If two equal partners decide post marriage that one person staying at home for a few years until the kids are in school is what makes the most sense for their family…fine. That is completely different from the attitude in the OP and subsequent responses of what makes one a good spouse or dream partner is taking on 100% of an entire area of adult and financial responsibility.

One spouse who doesn’t feel or take on any financial responsibility to me is the exact same as one spouse whose doesn’t feel or take any childcare or household responsibilities.

The problem is biology. Women solely have children and breastfeed. Equality is great until you have kids and reality hits you in the face.

Women aren’t breast feeding anymore. At least not the mothers that recently had babies in my wealthy neighborhood. My neighbor said it’s no longer pushed in hospitals like when I gave birth 18 years ago and they wouldn’t give anyone on a bottle abs basically shamed and forced everyone to BF.

Lots of women still breastfeed. I am glad if women are experiencing less pressure to do it -- it had gotten way out of hand.

But also -- I enjoyed breastfeeding. Not pumping, that is miserable. But I enjoyed the actual act of breastfeeding and found it to be a nice, relaxing, enjoyable bonding time with my baby. Being able to take 18 months off from work for an extended maternity leave meant I was able to enjoy that time with my baby, including BFing. And that's what OP is talking about -- finding a man who is invested in creating that option in case his wife wants it. If she doesn't, that's fine. But many women would love to be able to take an extended maternity leave or take a few years off when the kids are small, and simply cannot because their income is absolutely necessary to the family's economic viability. So a man who makes it his goal to make enough to create those options is attractive. Of course it is!

Yes and they are typically Muslim men, foreign men from traditional backgrounds. My husband is Bangladeshi and he truly doesn’t care what I do. He would have been content with me being a housewife when I was pregnant. Even when the kids are in school he doesn’t care. He wants me to stay at home and stop stressing over work but he’s not pushy about it. There are men out there like this for sure. Most of my neighbors are Indian and the majority of the wives aren’t working and they don’t seem worried about it or in a hurry to find a job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While there may be men like that - I hope there aren't women who want that. The idea that women aren't independent and should be dependent on their husbands like a child isn't anything to aspire to. Women are capable, competent adults and should be contributing. Life as an adult and with a family costs money. No one should have kids thinking they have no financial responsibility to their children or for themselves.

Just like no one should have kids thinking they have no hands on responsibility to their children.

The days should be long gone where dad has 100% financial responsibility and mom has 100% hands on responsibility.

Families take money and time and both parents should be contributing in both ways.

I don't really have much respect for any adult who thinks that living off other people is something to aspire too. Being a barnacle isn't really a great quality to have.

What you are describing is not what OP was describing. A spouse who wants to support you in making your own choices to stay at home, work, make a career change etc etc is different from a spouse pressuring you to stay home.

Also calling sahms “barnacles” is so disrespectful. Why the hate for women making a choice that works for their family? Focus on your own grass

I am not saying sahp are barnacles. I am speaking to the attitude that a woman being a dependent and being looked after by a man is something g to aspire to. A dream man being someone who pays for everything is no different to me from a dream woman being one who does all child and domestic care. The attitude of one person doing it all to absolve the other of parental and adult responsibilities is not something I want any of my kids to aspire to. I would feel very disappointed in my young adult children if they saw a dream partner as one who either took on full care of them financially or took on full care of them domestically so that they had 0% of the responsibility in that area. I would also be disappointed if they offered that to a partner and weren’t looking for equality in a marriage.

If two equal partners decide post marriage that one person staying at home for a few years until the kids are in school is what makes the most sense for their family…fine. That is completely different from the attitude in the OP and subsequent responses of what makes one a good spouse or dream partner is taking on 100% of an entire area of adult and financial responsibility.

One spouse who doesn’t feel or take on any financial responsibility to me is the exact same as one spouse whose doesn’t feel or take any childcare or household responsibilities.

The problem is biology. Women solely have children and breastfeed. Equality is great until you have kids and reality hits you in the face.

Women aren’t breast feeding anymore. At least not the mothers that recently had babies in my wealthy neighborhood. My neighbor said it’s no longer pushed in hospitals like when I gave birth 18 years ago and they wouldn’t give anyone on a bottle abs basically shamed and forced everyone to BF.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It won't be my sons' dream. Lol They see the role model of two parents doing it on the home front and the work front and they are proud of their mom's career too.

They always had a parent pick them up after school and one coaching their teams and on the sidelines. They saw a man do 'women' chores and a woman do 'man' chores (I say that facetiously)--but my husband taught them how to do their own laundry, etc.

I was raised the same way. My husband had a single mom working two jobs. We both feel strongly about breadwinning not being all on one partner's back...and the same with child care/house stuff.

But, the bonus is with increased $$ you can have a weekly housekeeper and do a lot of things so you have even more time to spend with your kids and get your workout in, etc.

It’s cute that you think 1) kids give AF about their parents’ careers and 2) that more than a select few people in the world can work full time while also always picking their kids up from school and coaching them as you say.

What ? Kids certainly give a ton of fcks about their parents careers when it’s time to get internships or build their network.

My kid is exploring a field completely unrelated to anything either parent has ever been involved in. He has great internship and networking connections that he developed on his own. The one field related connection he has is through a family friend.

Ironically 2 months of his summer internship is overseas and he would not have been able to accept if both if us were working.