Anonymous wrote:Did they not discuss before marriage how they planned to handle that debt?

Right! We did premarital counseling and a whole session was just on finances. We took tests and talked through the answers. We were on the same page and actually scored 99% similar on the entire thing but it’s still good to talk through.

Other sessions were on kids, handling in-laws, sickness/disability of a partner, chores and romance. We really enjoyed the counseling.

I paid off my dhs. It was my luck to marry into an umc family that paid for my college in full and then gave me a new (used) car for graduation. Dh graduated with 100k in debt and a 15 year old junker car that needed replaced. Dh as attended public university but his was in a state like Virginia where it’s expensive. He had a great degree and didn’t mind living super frugally. He actually lived in an office in a house (like 8x8. It was nicer than it sounds) with 4 other guys. I helped pay his all off and my parents gave us a down payment on a house (50k).

I always thought our money was shared, but Dh and I also would never divorce.

I will say that he seems to have forgotten who paid off his loans. He is reluctant to save for our kids’ college and think student loans are a good thing. I disagree and put 10k each in their accounts every year. Our money is shared but I make half of it and will spend it too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

Marriage is so much more than ‘romantic’. You are naive to ignore the financial and legal implications of marriage. Just because you stuck your head in the sand doesn’t mean anyone else should.

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Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your daughter wants to have her cake and eat it too! She will get many benefits being the spouse of a doctor, but wants to balk at mutually paying down debt? Not a great start in a marriage to be so selfish.

That said, he should absolutely not be pressuring her. Spouses can and should have financial discussions, and if he's actually pressuring (rather than just happening to bring it up), that is a red flag on it's own. But the entire family benefits when debt is paid off, and that includes your daughter.

She’s not gonna get more benefits. She already makes way more money.

She’s just looking for somebody to act like an equal.

So.. whats the issue?

The issue is she makes more money and does not need to fund another adult. Freeloader!

I hope you say the same thing to stay at home moms. Just freeloaders sitting on their ass while their husbands bring home the money they use to survive 🙄

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

You have to be kidding, please tell me you are kidding. Of course this should be discussed prior to marriage. In the open and all cards on the table.

Marriage is a legally binding contract that both people enter into, kinda like buying a house. Never waive contingencies or inspection. And if the person lied (oh by the way I have $400k in debt that you need to pay down) this would grounds for divorcing. At least to me.

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Anonymous wrote:I can just imagine what kind of spoiled princess this woman is that she balks at their household money going to his med school debt (I guess she expects him to quietly pay it off without her noticing) and then cries to her PARENTS about it.

He’s the spoiled one. Why does he even have so much debt (multiple orders of 100k!) and why can’t his parents pay it off? He was too poor to go to med school. Who racks up so much debt and expects his new wife to just make it disappear? At the very least he should commit to working his a$$ off with extra shifts or working on weekends to increase their HHI to the point he can pay the debt off faster. What a freeloader. I would say the same if genders were reversed.

Many careers require grad degrees, and this is even more true in the health care fields (you need doctorate to be a PT now, for example). So only rich people should have those jobs. MANY people rack up debt of a large magnitude to get the long-term earning potential and for having love a field. Also, when you're in your 20s it's hard to understand the long-term impact of such large loans.

So get off your high horse.

That’s all fine and it’s common knowledge. Everyone knows grad degrees are expensive and anyone taking on that much debt should have a financial plan for paying it off themselves, not pulling someone into marriage and dumping the debt on that person. Even teenagers are financially wise nowadays and want to avoid debt. What kind of dumb 20 something year old thinks taking on hundreds of thousands in debt with no family help is a good idea?

Lots of people do. Lots. And the financial plan is a job. But things don’t always pan out as planned.

Did they not discuss before marriage how they planned to handle that debt?

If she is concerned about it, talking to you is not the answer. She needs to discuss her concerns with her dh. Then they need to figure out what to do together. Perhaps they should talk to a counselor to develop a plan that seems equitable to both of them and, as others suggested, they may need to get a post-nup.

It is too bad that they didn’t talk about this before the wedding but they should address this asap and you should advise talking to a third party. I would not want to get in the middle of my dd’s marriage even if she asked for advice.

Anonymous wrote:We’re not meddling, our daughter came to us about this. She has a great career, advanced degree, and zero student debt. She met her husband while he was a medical resident, so all of his debt accumulated not just pre-marriage, but before they even met. It’s an eye popping sum I think in part because he attended prestigious private colleges, while she attended public universities our family could afford.

Should she be helping him wipe out such debts?

My first thought is financial abuse. Is it? Do they have a prenup? Can they get a postnup?

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Anonymous wrote:Is he asking her to pay it all in a lump sum, or to help pay it off over the term of the loan? I agree paying in a lump sum is a big ask and probably not smart, but as a couple they should contribute to the payoff over time, and as his income increases he will contribute a lot.

No, she shouldn’t contribute at all. That’s his own debt. This predates the marriage. That’s not her problem.

I honestly don’t get how this would work.If she makes 100K and he makes 50K and uses 10K of it to pay down his debt.… their household is 140K.

If she makes 100K and he makes 50K, and they each pay 5K, their household brings in 140K.

Unless they each have 100% their own accounts, expenses, spending money, etc. And then divide everything in half with the household expenses, kids and everything going forward. But then, they’re saving for a down payment together and the interest rate on bills like their mortgage depends on their joint household income/debt, so it’s all ends up being the same.

No it’s not the same.
This is how it works.
She makes 100K. He makes 50k.
Household expenses are 100K. They contribute 50% each. She brings 50K, he brings 50K.
He starts using 10K to pay his own debt. His contribution is now only 40K.
She loans him the 10K to cover the shortfall.
Now he owes her 10K.

That’s how it should work.

This is not a marriage…

Yup—do not understand how you can be married and think like that?

What’s mine is ours/what’s his is ousts—-we are a family and it’s a pool of $$ that is completely both of ours. And we jointly decide how to spend it

That’s you. Joint assets and finances work for you, it doesn’t work for everyone. There are plenty of successful married couples with separate assets and finances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My saint husband paid off $60k of grad school debt for me (over time, low interest rate, not lump sum) as I SAH with our children. He knew I had this debt when we married, and also that I wanted to SAH. He was completely supportive of both but I would never have married him without disclosing! We celebrate 20 years of marriage this year and I have not used my grad degree since, although I do now work PT in an unrelated field. He is a high earner and was not phased by this at all. I don't know if his parents knew about my student loans or not, but if they did they never indicated any concern over it. We are all close.

Were you stressed taking out all of that debt for a field you did not really want to work in?
Or was your plan all along to focus on finding a man who would pay it off?

I just can’t imagine approaching life with this mindset.

(I am female …but entirely self-sufficient/independent).

DP: I have two BS degrees and an ms. I worked for 6 years and was making 6 figures when had first kid(25 years ago so 6 figures was a high salary). Decided to SAHP and never looked back. Spouse was fully supportive as it allowed them to fully focus on work and advance (c suite for 20 years, ceo for 10+)

Some of us decide to do what is best for our family knowing that we are in a healthy living marriage and will not be penalized for focusing on family.

Happily married 30+ years.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking her to pay it all in a lump sum, or to help pay it off over the term of the loan? I agree paying in a lump sum is a big ask and probably not smart, but as a couple they should contribute to the payoff over time, and as his income increases he will contribute a lot.

No, she shouldn’t contribute at all. That’s his own debt. This predates the marriage. That’s not her problem.

I honestly don’t get how this would work.If she makes 100K and he makes 50K and uses 10K of it to pay down his debt.… their household is 140K.

If she makes 100K and he makes 50K, and they each pay 5K, their household brings in 140K.

Unless they each have 100% their own accounts, expenses, spending money, etc. And then divide everything in half with the household expenses, kids and everything going forward. But then, they’re saving for a down payment together and the interest rate on bills like their mortgage depends on their joint household income/debt, so it’s all ends up being the same.

No it’s not the same.
This is how it works.
She makes 100K. He makes 50k.
Household expenses are 100K. They contribute 50% each. She brings 50K, he brings 50K.
He starts using 10K to pay his own debt. His contribution is now only 40K.
She loans him the 10K to cover the shortfall.
Now he owes her 10K.

That’s how it should work.

This is not a marriage…

Yup—do not understand how you can be married and think like that?

What’s mine is ours/what’s his is ousts—-we are a family and it’s a pool of $$ that is completely both of ours. And we jointly decide how to spend it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

Yes, healthy marriages are the result of people discussing key issues BEFORE marriage and continuing into the marriage. Discussing finances, kids, work life balance, dealing with IL/family are all key parts. Finances are one of THE MAJOR reasons people divorce.

I got married straight out of grad school. We had discussed all of these things prior. We both were on same page to work hard/live frugal life to pay off our student loans (I Had $15K, spouse had $80K) and then continue for another year to save downpayment for a house. We knew that I might want to be a SAHP and planned financially for that.
That is what people who want a healthy marriage do. You don't get married and have kids then discuss for first time if you can SAHP. Well you don't do that if you want a successful marriage.

This. This is exactly what should have happened. I remember having this conversation bc if i had found out he had a ton of credit card debt it would have been a deal breaker. Student debt i could have worked with. I was the one with the student loan, but it wasn't that much.

+1

Credit card debt would be a deal breaker for me unless they can demonstrate they have truly changed their ways. It’s much easier being married to someone who has the same financial philosophy as me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she married him, she married his debt. Whether she likes it or not. And I cannot imagine the replies this would be getting if the situation was reversed.

False. If they get divorced, his premarital debt remains his separate debt. If he dies, his premarital debt remains his separate debt.

+1. Same as if one of them brought assets to the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:When she married him, she married his debt. Whether she likes it or not. And I cannot imagine the replies this would be getting if the situation was reversed.

False. If they get divorced, his premarital debt remains his separate debt. If he dies, his premarital debt remains his separate debt.