Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DIL and I totally endorse OP's original letter.

I would only add that there is no need for a man to choose between his wife and his mother - unless MIL forces him to choose.

Stop trying to assert your dominance by constantly forcing him to choose!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Divorce is horrible? Come on now. People here talk about it being liberating. Less child care time more personal time. And kids are resilient, remember? A divorce would mean MIL gets a lot more time with her grandchild too without walking on eggshells around an unstable DIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

I feel sorry for your future DIL. Consider this, then - if you cause trouble in your son's marriage your will only be making your son unhappy. Divorce is horrible. Imagine now that your son and his wife have a child. If you succeed in interfering to where you cause a divorce, you will not only cause your own son pain, but leave your grandchild broken-hearted over the end of life as they know it. That makes you a selfish jerk.

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

This. Applicable to SILs as well and I have young children.

Ok so in response to this crazy letter and I’m not OP.

Dear crazy MIL,

No it is absolutely not your job or your place to get involved in your son’s marriage just because you birthed him over 20 years ago doesn’t give you a license to run his life.

Stop playing the martyr and acting like he owes you because you did what you were supposed to do as a parent.

You are truly misled if you think your son will put your over the woman he has made vows to and lives with and possibly has children with.

If your son does back up his mommy over his own wife that’s not a win for you because that means you haven’t raised him to correctly which is to back up his immediate family which is now his wife and children.

You aren’t there 24/7 although it may feel like it to me to really know what goes on behind closed doors. So no you have no right to judge.

Stop expecting your grown son to side with you. You may have kissed a scrape knee better in 1982 but I have birthed all your son’s children, bought a house with him, share a whole life with him, made vows to stand by him until death do us part, I am the one he looks to for comfort when he has had a bad day.

You may be his mother but he didn’t exactly have a choice in who his mother was but he certainly had a choice in who his wife was and he actively chose me and he chooses me everyday. We will never really know if he would have chosen you as his mother.

Lady you have a lot more to lose as the mil than I do as the DIl. Think about it I’m married to your son and have your grandchildren. You don’t treat me right you really think your precious son will side with you? HAHA well guess again? Also guess what you really think you disrespect your grandchildren’s mother I’m gonna let you within 10 yards of your grandchildren well you are surely mistaken. And I will make sure your grandchildren know exactly why they don’t see you.

Yes couples may divorce but do you really wanna sight that as a potential possibility in your letter? That means you are routing for something negative to happen in your son’s life and lady we aren’t divorced today so quit citing hypotheticals.

You had 18 years to actively parent my husband if you couldn’t get it right in 18 years and still feel the need to actively baby and “mother” him guess you didn’t get it right the first time, huh?

Signed,
A DIL who knows there aren’t room for 3 people in a marriage. Butt out and back off MIL.

I also want to add to my letter that if your son chose a poor wife for himself that’s another parenting fail on your end for not teaching your son how to properly be a good judge of character. Go mom!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

Nobody “trashed” op. The MIL just told her son he looked tired. He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always. In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist. I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP. OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships. There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. I loved my MIL but I didn’t expect really anything from her. I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does. If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes. This facilitated a happy relationship. OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.

OP here. Absolutely of course she is going to care more about her own son than me. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t check on me at all.

The woman is the one (not the man) who goes through the brunt of the issues during pregnancy and child birth. Not once did she ask about me. I think there is a fine line between treating me exactly like her son and not asking at all about me.

She could have asked is there anything you need from me. Brought over meal to help us out anything but she did and said nothing.

The incubator comment means that you are seen as nothing more than a person to produce and provide grand babies for you which is the way mil was acting because once the pregnancy got risky she didn’t ask about me the actual human carrying the child but she damn well was worried her grandchild couldn’t make it. So she can care about her son, grandchild, but not her DIL? Why because I’m not blood related?

Hence me being seen as an incubator. My pain and mental and physical anguish didn’t matter as long as that baby and her son were healthy.

But her son seems a little tired and she needs to suddenly inquire about it. I was tired to that day and in a lot of pain but she didn’t give two shits.

There has to be a middle ground. I don’t expect to be in the ladies inheritance but I think the least a mil can do is reach out to her DIl to ask how she is feeling and offer to help in a way that benefits BOTH her son and DIL. Without the DIl there would be no grandchild to speak of.

Have you tried talking to MIL directly about your relationship? Or are you both using DH as a go-between and damaging your own marriage in the process?

OP I understand that you are upset that your MIL has never really asked you how you are doing. That much is clear.

However, are you really sure of the reason she has not asked you? How do you know it is because she does not care? Could it be that she is worried that she may offend you? How do you know it is the former and not the latter? Only you know the history of your interactions and can think back to whether you have perhaps been testy or taken offense too easily towards MIL.

In any event this may be your built in dynamic. She may never ask about you or talk to you directly. You can let it bother you for the rest of her life, or you can find a way to accept her and be kind to her. Maybe she will be a really great grandma that your children love. Will you deprive them of that, or will you rise above it?

I will add that I, as a person, feel very uncomfortable about being seen as “prying” when someone has a medical issue. I have always been this way, and I can see how someone can interpret it as me not caring. I do care but I just have this inherent discomfort and if anyone asks me for help I am very reliable. Have you directly ever asked MIL for help?

You’re right I can’t have my husband be the go between for me and my mil. I have to address her directly. I think the reason it hurts is because we always had a great relationship and I expected more support from her as that’s what my friend’s MILs gave them. And then when she suddenly perked up and seemed concern when the child I was carrying may be at risk I felt like an incubator like my health doesn’t matter until it affects her grandchild not bearing in mind the mental and physical toll it takes on me. As a fellow woman I would expect more in that department.

Since she asked about her son who wasn’t going through a difficult pregnancy and asked about he unborn grandchild it is clear she shows love through asking about them so when she didn’t ask about me the one who was suffering the most at the time it left me wondering why isn’t that love extended to me when mil is clearly capable of it.

I think I have to address it with her head on or else it will fester.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

Nobody “trashed” op. The MIL just told her son he looked tired. He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always. In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist. I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP. OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships. There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. I loved my MIL but I didn’t expect really anything from her. I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does. If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes. This facilitated a happy relationship. OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

Nobody “trashed” op. The MIL just told her son he looked tired. He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always. In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist. I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP. OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships. There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. I loved my MIL but I didn’t expect really anything from her. I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does. If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes. This facilitated a happy relationship. OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.

OP here. Absolutely of course she is going to care more about her own son than me. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t check on me at all.

The woman is the one (not the man) who goes through the brunt of the issues during pregnancy and child birth. Not once did she ask about me. I think there is a fine line between treating me exactly like her son and not asking at all about me.

She could have asked is there anything you need from me. Brought over meal to help us out anything but she did and said nothing.

The incubator comment means that you are seen as nothing more than a person to produce and provide grand babies for you which is the way mil was acting because once the pregnancy got risky she didn’t ask about me the actual human carrying the child but she damn well was worried her grandchild couldn’t make it. So she can care about her son, grandchild, but not her DIL? Why because I’m not blood related?

Hence me being seen as an incubator. My pain and mental and physical anguish didn’t matter as long as that baby and her son were healthy.

But her son seems a little tired and she needs to suddenly inquire about it. I was tired to that day and in a lot of pain but she didn’t give two shits.

There has to be a middle ground. I don’t expect to be in the ladies inheritance but I think the least a mil can do is reach out to her DIl to ask how she is feeling and offer to help in a way that benefits BOTH her son and DIL. Without the DIl there would be no grandchild to speak of.

Have you tried talking to MIL directly about your relationship? Or are you both using DH as a go-between and damaging your own marriage in the process?

OP I understand that you are upset that your MIL has never really asked you how you are doing. That much is clear.

However, are you really sure of the reason she has not asked you? How do you know it is because she does not care? Could it be that she is worried that she may offend you? How do you know it is the former and not the latter? Only you know the history of your interactions and can think back to whether you have perhaps been testy or taken offense too easily towards MIL.

In any event this may be your built in dynamic. She may never ask about you or talk to you directly. You can let it bother you for the rest of her life, or you can find a way to accept her and be kind to her. Maybe she will be a really great grandma that your children love. Will you deprive them of that, or will you rise above it?

I will add that I, as a person, feel very uncomfortable about being seen as “prying” when someone has a medical issue. I have always been this way, and I can see how someone can interpret it as me not caring. I do care but I just have this inherent discomfort and if anyone asks me for help I am very reliable. Have you directly ever asked MIL for help?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

Nobody “trashed” op. The MIL just told her son he looked tired. He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always. In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist. I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP. OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships. There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. I loved my MIL but I didn’t expect really anything from her. I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does. If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes. This facilitated a happy relationship. OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.

OP here. Absolutely of course she is going to care more about her own son than me. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t check on me at all.

The woman is the one (not the man) who goes through the brunt of the issues during pregnancy and child birth. Not once did she ask about me. I think there is a fine line between treating me exactly like her son and not asking at all about me.

She could have asked is there anything you need from me. Brought over meal to help us out anything but she did and said nothing.

The incubator comment means that you are seen as nothing more than a person to produce and provide grand babies for you which is the way mil was acting because once the pregnancy got risky she didn’t ask about me the actual human carrying the child but she damn well was worried her grandchild couldn’t make it. So she can care about her son, grandchild, but not her DIL? Why because I’m not blood related?

Hence me being seen as an incubator. My pain and mental and physical anguish didn’t matter as long as that baby and her son were healthy.

But her son seems a little tired and she needs to suddenly inquire about it. I was tired to that day and in a lot of pain but she didn’t give two shits.

There has to be a middle ground. I don’t expect to be in the ladies inheritance but I think the least a mil can do is reach out to her DIl to ask how she is feeling and offer to help in a way that benefits BOTH her son and DIL. Without the DIl there would be no grandchild to speak of.