Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also, my son has some social skills issues due to ADHD, and has had some former friends no longer want to hang out with him. It was somewhat hurtful at the time (I was not close with their moms, just hurtful for DS). However, realistically, he was better off being on his own for a little bit and ultimately connecting with boys he has more in common with than for these kids to have invited him along to things or agreed to let him come out of pity. There are people who legitimately want to be friends with him, just not those particular boys, and he deserves better than to be someone's pity friend.


You are the one making the friendships pity friendships. I hope you are not passing down that kind of messaging to your son. He deserves much better than you thinking he is a pity invite to any event.

You have completely missed the point, but that's ok. He wasn't getting invited because they didn't want to hang out with him - and that was ultimately ok, because if they didn't want to spend time with him, he's better off now that he is with other kids who do.

... So the same should hold true for the excluded girl in the OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been tight with about six other moms since Kindergarten. Our girls have always been close. Moms genuinely close too. But I know it's always a danger to meet through kids - though I thought our friendship transcended this. I was maybe naive.

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. However, my DD is seen as a "cool" girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.

I saw the texts and immediately talked to my own DD. My DD should have and could have been kinder in declining hanging out. But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl. But now the other mom is asking our friends to pick sides, complaining about my DD to our mutual friends, and wants to invite me to drinks to discuss what to do going into the new year.

I just feel sick over this whole thing and have zero desire to get involved in my child's social life in this way. I also do not want to raise a mean girl, but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions. Anyone BTDT? I do still like the mother but this is putting a strain on our longtime circle.

You already did.

Genuinely curious: How so? Are people supposed to meet in K and remain friends for life?

OP said her daughter was being exclusionary, and unkind in the process. OP also attributes the separation between the girls and the resulting exclusion to her daughter being more "cool" than the artsy girl (what kind of a 90's movie are we in, btw?). So her daughter is unkindly excluding people for not being cool according to the standard at their particular school - that's pretty much the definition of a mean girl.

Of course OP also says "it's nothing personal" and then a few lines later says her daughter doesn't like the girl. She's all over the place.

I agree. How mean of your DD and the other girls to drop a longtime friend. You “cool” daughter is awful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I am the mom of a very artsy, creative teen who was dropped by several “cooler,” sportier girls, some of whose mothers are also my friends. Being on the other side of this, I really think moms need to back off and let the kids work it out. Yes, feelings get hurt and it’s very hard to go through, but intervening is not going to help. They’ll discover what THEY want out of their friendships, not what their moms want them to want. Forcing kids to include others that they don’t want around just makes it so painful and awkward for everyone.

The schools mine go to or have gone to don’t think someone’s cool because of the activities they pursue. The “cool” group are a bunch of kids who hang out together usually because they have excellent social skills, they are into boyfriends/girlfriends earlier than most and usually start drinking and having mixed parties before anyone else. Based on my experience the mean spirited girls are egged on my crazy mothers who obsess about popularity. There was one girl, chubby, unattractive, no outside interests but she was very popular because her mother orchestrated basement parties in their huge house, alcohol allowed. Crazy

Anonymous wrote:

Also, my son has some social skills issues due to ADHD, and has had some former friends no longer want to hang out with him. It was somewhat hurtful at the time (I was not close with their moms, just hurtful for DS). However, realistically, he was better off being on his own for a little bit and ultimately connecting with boys he has more in common with than for these kids to have invited him along to things or agreed to let him come out of pity. There are people who legitimately want to be friends with him, just not those particular boys, and he deserves better than to be someone's pity friend.


You are the one making the friendships pity friendships. I hope you are not passing down that kind of messaging to your son. He deserves much better than you thinking he is a pity invite to any event.

You have completely missed the point, but that's ok. He wasn't getting invited because they didn't want to hang out with him - and that was ultimately ok, because if they didn't want to spend time with him, he's better off now that he is with other kids who do.

Anonymous wrote:

Also, my son has some social skills issues due to ADHD, and has had some former friends no longer want to hang out with him. It was somewhat hurtful at the time (I was not close with their moms, just hurtful for DS). However, realistically, he was better off being on his own for a little bit and ultimately connecting with boys he has more in common with than for these kids to have invited him along to things or agreed to let him come out of pity. There are people who legitimately want to be friends with him, just not those particular boys, and he deserves better than to be someone's pity friend.


You are the one making the friendships pity friendships. I hope you are not passing down that kind of messaging to your son. He deserves much better than you thinking he is a pity invite to any event.

You have completely missed the point, but that's ok. He wasn't getting invited because they didn't want to hang out with him - and that was ultimately ok, because if they didn't want to spend time with him, he's better off now that he is with other kids who do.

Also, my son has some social skills issues due to ADHD, and has had some former friends no longer want to hang out with him. It was somewhat hurtful at the time (I was not close with their moms, just hurtful for DS). However, realistically, he was better off being on his own for a little bit and ultimately connecting with boys he has more in common with than for these kids to have invited him along to things or agreed to let him come out of pity. There are people who legitimately want to be friends with him, just not those particular boys, and he deserves better than to be someone's pity friend.


You are the one making the friendships pity friendships. I hope you are not passing down that kind of messaging to your son. He deserves much better than you thinking he is a pity invite to any event.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

Anonymous wrote:How was the excluded friend even in the group text chain? Or am I misunderstanding?

Anonymous wrote:I can only imagine this post from the other mom. Y'all would be eviscerating her for getting involved and telling her to teach her kid that life isn't fair and to suck it up.