Anonymous
03/07/2023 19:52
Subject: Re:Unequal inheritance
I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.
I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.
I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.
I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.
I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.
Anonymous
03/07/2023 16:33
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:My grandfather sort of did this. 3 kids. The will was 1/3 each. Uncle A is the oldest, then my mom, then Uncle B. Uncle B is the most successful. Definitely worth more than my grandfather twice over. My mom is doing just fine. My parents are retired comfortably. My Uncle A has had issues holding down a job. Eventually he did quit his job and moved home, but he took care of my grandparents. He cared for my grandmother until she died, and then my grandfather.
All 3 children are local. My mom was also around her parents a lot. She did a bunch for them as well. Uncle B didn't do much. He stopped by on occasion but is a very selfish individual and solely concerned about himself.
They went to the lawyer after grandfather died and found out the will was changed. 70% to Uncle A, 15% each to mom and Uncle B. My mom wasn't thrilled it changed but understood why and was fine with it. Uncle B was p*ssed and was going to challenge the will. My Uncle A didn't have a lot in savings at that point and holding up my grandfathers estate would've been a financial hardship for sure on him. Thankfully he changed his mind on that one.
Since all that went down, Uncle B has removed himself from the family. Uncle A and my mom are still close, and Uncle A gives us (my moms children) generous checks for Christmas and birthdays. My mom is also the only child who had children. Uncle A has basically said his will is to split what he has 50/50 with my mom and Uncle B. However he would prefer to spend the bulk of the money on my sibling and I and are children, which is what has been happening. He doesn't want to change his will.
All that to be saying you cannot control what family does. At all. Not what they say, do, or how they spend their money. If you're secure financially it shouldn't matter. Let your mother make whatever decision she wants.
DYK when the will was changed from 1/3 to 70/15/15?
Anonymous
03/07/2023 14:44
Subject: Unequal inheritance
My grandfather sort of did this. 3 kids. The will was 1/3 each. Uncle A is the oldest, then my mom, then Uncle B. Uncle B is the most successful. Definitely worth more than my grandfather twice over. My mom is doing just fine. My parents are retired comfortably. My Uncle A has had issues holding down a job. Eventually he did quit his job and moved home, but he took care of my grandparents. He cared for my grandmother until she died, and then my grandfather.
All 3 children are local. My mom was also around her parents a lot. She did a bunch for them as well. Uncle B didn't do much. He stopped by on occasion but is a very selfish individual and solely concerned about himself.
They went to the lawyer after grandfather died and found out the will was changed. 70% to Uncle A, 15% each to mom and Uncle B. My mom wasn't thrilled it changed but understood why and was fine with it. Uncle B was p*ssed and was going to challenge the will. My Uncle A didn't have a lot in savings at that point and holding up my grandfathers estate would've been a financial hardship for sure on him. Thankfully he changed his mind on that one.
Since all that went down, Uncle B has removed himself from the family. Uncle A and my mom are still close, and Uncle A gives us (my moms children) generous checks for Christmas and birthdays. My mom is also the only child who had children. Uncle A has basically said his will is to split what he has 50/50 with my mom and Uncle B. However he would prefer to spend the bulk of the money on my sibling and I and are children, which is what has been happening. He doesn't want to change his will.
All that to be saying you cannot control what family does. At all. Not what they say, do, or how they spend their money. If you're secure financially it shouldn't matter. Let your mother make whatever decision she wants.
All 3 children are local. My mom was also around her parents a lot. She did a bunch for them as well. Uncle B didn't do much. He stopped by on occasion but is a very selfish individual and solely concerned about himself.
They went to the lawyer after grandfather died and found out the will was changed. 70% to Uncle A, 15% each to mom and Uncle B. My mom wasn't thrilled it changed but understood why and was fine with it. Uncle B was p*ssed and was going to challenge the will. My Uncle A didn't have a lot in savings at that point and holding up my grandfathers estate would've been a financial hardship for sure on him. Thankfully he changed his mind on that one.
Since all that went down, Uncle B has removed himself from the family. Uncle A and my mom are still close, and Uncle A gives us (my moms children) generous checks for Christmas and birthdays. My mom is also the only child who had children. Uncle A has basically said his will is to split what he has 50/50 with my mom and Uncle B. However he would prefer to spend the bulk of the money on my sibling and I and are children, which is what has been happening. He doesn't want to change his will.
All that to be saying you cannot control what family does. At all. Not what they say, do, or how they spend their money. If you're secure financially it shouldn't matter. Let your mother make whatever decision she wants.
Anonymous
03/07/2023 12:37
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:I posted before, but I think in dysfunctional families it is yet another way for parents to show their unfair treatment of kids and dysfuntion. I suspect most would agree there are extreme cases where it is justified like a disabled sibling, a loving sibling wiped out financially by cancer treatment, etc. In the healthy families I know of, it was discussed and reasonable to the siblings.
You get to do whatever you want with your money and if you were a dysfunctional or even abusive parent, it will be yet more proof of you playing favorites.If you were a kind and loving parent, then most likely your reasons were fair enough the siblings were on board and you probably cared enough that you discussed it in a loving and thoughtful way.
It's fascinating the number of people defending unequal inheritance without extreme circumstances. Makes me think we some people who profited from this and others who plan to do it as their last act of dysfunction with their kids.
+1
Acting in this way is absolutely inimical to how I was raised and I know it would be to my siblings. In the end, there was nothing left to inherit due to protracted illnesses, but I am confident that our parents would have been as impartial as possible and we would have, if necessary, probably tweaked. I would have probably foregone money as my assets are much greater than any of my siblings. That's what I learned from my parents.
While DH's grandparents treated his father and uncle in a similar way, his sibling says that they deserve more. FIL doesn't appear to agree, but MIL appears to be wearing down under these entreaties.
Anonymous
03/07/2023 12:29
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It sucks, but you will need to get over it. It’s easier to get over it if you adopt the perspective that it isn’t “your” money; it’s hers, and she can do what she wants with it.
I have a similar experience. My mother (73) has always favored one of my brothers, to an unhealthy extreme. She has indicated that she wants to make him executor of her estate (approx $10 mil) and let him decide how to wants to distribute it among her four children. I told her that didn’t sound enforceable and she told me to buzz off. So I’m prepared to get zero.
73 is young and you haven't had to deal with much eldercare stress yet. Talk to me after you have spent over a decade dealing with many emergencies, decline into dementia, rage, paranoia, and more and the sibling who is getting the most money is conveniently busy, but swings into town now and then, gets special treatment and before mom is declared incompetent manages to squeeze out more handouts. Talk to me when you have your own family emergencies and the siblings getting more aren't available. I don't mean give us your feedback after a year of this. You need to have your life upended with highly difficult parents, as you figure out in therapy how to set boundaries and you try to do the right thing even though the one who is never there for them is busy traveling for leisure and will getting a windfall of money down the line.
So you would be willing to put up with abuse and poor treatment if the price tag was right? Your help for loved ones is conditioned on a payout?
I get that you're going through a tough time, PP, but there's no way to look at this where your attitude is anything but crappy.
Yes, so true.
Anonymous
03/07/2023 11:46
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:I posted before, but I think in dysfunctional families it is yet another way for parents to show their unfair treatment of kids and dysfuntion. I suspect most would agree there are extreme cases where it is justified like a disabled sibling, a loving sibling wiped out financially by cancer treatment, etc. In the healthy families I know of, it was discussed and reasonable to the siblings.
You get to do whatever you want with your money and if you were a dysfunctional or even abusive parent, it will be yet more proof of you playing favorites.If you were a kind and loving parent, then most likely your reasons were fair enough the siblings were on board and you probably cared enough that you discussed it in a loving and thoughtful way.
It's fascinating the number of people defending unequal inheritance without extreme circumstances. Makes me think we some people who profited from this and others who plan to do it as their last act of dysfunction with their kids.
+1 well said. This is so true and I have seen this scenario play out in my extended family. It's so sad. It's not about the money, more so the sentiment or lack of sentiment.
Anonymous
03/07/2023 08:43
Subject: Unequal inheritance
I posted before, but I think in dysfunctional families it is yet another way for parents to show their unfair treatment of kids and dysfuntion. I suspect most would agree there are extreme cases where it is justified like a disabled sibling, a loving sibling wiped out financially by cancer treatment, etc. In the healthy families I know of, it was discussed and reasonable to the siblings.
You get to do whatever you want with your money and if you were a dysfunctional or even abusive parent, it will be yet more proof of you playing favorites.If you were a kind and loving parent, then most likely your reasons were fair enough the siblings were on board and you probably cared enough that you discussed it in a loving and thoughtful way.
It's fascinating the number of people defending unequal inheritance without extreme circumstances. Makes me think we some people who profited from this and others who plan to do it as their last act of dysfunction with their kids.
You get to do whatever you want with your money and if you were a dysfunctional or even abusive parent, it will be yet more proof of you playing favorites.If you were a kind and loving parent, then most likely your reasons were fair enough the siblings were on board and you probably cared enough that you discussed it in a loving and thoughtful way.
It's fascinating the number of people defending unequal inheritance without extreme circumstances. Makes me think we some people who profited from this and others who plan to do it as their last act of dysfunction with their kids.
Anonymous
03/07/2023 06:26
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:It sucks, but you will need to get over it. It’s easier to get over it if you adopt the perspective that it isn’t “your” money; it’s hers, and she can do what she wants with it.
I have a similar experience. My mother (73) has always favored one of my brothers, to an unhealthy extreme. She has indicated that she wants to make him executor of her estate (approx $10 mil) and let him decide how to wants to distribute it among her four children. I told her that didn’t sound enforceable and she told me to buzz off. So I’m prepared to get zero.
Sounds like she’s thinking of him in the role of surviving spouse. Unhealthy indeed.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 17:44
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It sucks, but you will need to get over it. It’s easier to get over it if you adopt the perspective that it isn’t “your” money; it’s hers, and she can do what she wants with it.
I have a similar experience. My mother (73) has always favored one of my brothers, to an unhealthy extreme. She has indicated that she wants to make him executor of her estate (approx $10 mil) and let him decide how to wants to distribute it among her four children. I told her that didn’t sound enforceable and she told me to buzz off. So I’m prepared to get zero.
73 is young and you haven't had to deal with much eldercare stress yet. Talk to me after you have spent over a decade dealing with many emergencies, decline into dementia, rage, paranoia, and more and the sibling who is getting the most money is conveniently busy, but swings into town now and then, gets special treatment and before mom is declared incompetent manages to squeeze out more handouts. Talk to me when you have your own family emergencies and the siblings getting more aren't available. I don't mean give us your feedback after a year of this. You need to have your life upended with highly difficult parents, as you figure out in therapy how to set boundaries and you try to do the right thing even though the one who is never there for them is busy traveling for leisure and will getting a windfall of money down the line.
So you would be willing to put up with abuse and poor treatment if the price tag was right? Your help for loved ones is conditioned on a payout?
I get that you're going through a tough time, PP, but there's no way to look at this where your attitude is anything but crappy.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 16:51
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It sucks, but you will need to get over it. It’s easier to get over it if you adopt the perspective that it isn’t “your” money; it’s hers, and she can do what she wants with it.
I have a similar experience. My mother (73) has always favored one of my brothers, to an unhealthy extreme. She has indicated that she wants to make him executor of her estate (approx $10 mil) and let him decide how to wants to distribute it among her four children. I told her that didn’t sound enforceable and she told me to buzz off. So I’m prepared to get zero.
73 is young and you haven't had to deal with much eldercare stress yet. Talk to me after you have spent over a decade dealing with many emergencies, decline into dementia, rage, paranoia, and more and the sibling who is getting the most money is conveniently busy, but swings into town now and then, gets special treatment and before mom is declared incompetent manages to squeeze out more handouts. Talk to me when you have your own family emergencies and the siblings getting more aren't available. I don't mean give us your feedback after a year of this. You need to have your life upended with highly difficult parents, as you figure out in therapy how to set boundaries and you try to do the right thing even though the one who is never there for them is busy traveling for leisure and will getting a windfall of money down the line.
You know, it is sounds like you've had a lot of sh*t going on, but your utter dismissal of PP's point says more about you than her situation that has NOTHING to do with eldercare stress. Maybe start a vent thread in this forum.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 10:22
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:It sucks, but you will need to get over it. It’s easier to get over it if you adopt the perspective that it isn’t “your” money; it’s hers, and she can do what she wants with it.
I have a similar experience. My mother (73) has always favored one of my brothers, to an unhealthy extreme. She has indicated that she wants to make him executor of her estate (approx $10 mil) and let him decide how to wants to distribute it among her four children. I told her that didn’t sound enforceable and she told me to buzz off. So I’m prepared to get zero.
73 is young and you haven't had to deal with much eldercare stress yet. Talk to me after you have spent over a decade dealing with many emergencies, decline into dementia, rage, paranoia, and more and the sibling who is getting the most money is conveniently busy, but swings into town now and then, gets special treatment and before mom is declared incompetent manages to squeeze out more handouts. Talk to me when you have your own family emergencies and the siblings getting more aren't available. I don't mean give us your feedback after a year of this. You need to have your life upended with highly difficult parents, as you figure out in therapy how to set boundaries and you try to do the right thing even though the one who is never there for them is busy traveling for leisure and will getting a windfall of money down the line.
Anonymous
03/06/2023 08:23
Subject: Unequal inheritance
It sucks, but you will need to get over it. It’s easier to get over it if you adopt the perspective that it isn’t “your” money; it’s hers, and she can do what she wants with it.
I have a similar experience. My mother (73) has always favored one of my brothers, to an unhealthy extreme. She has indicated that she wants to make him executor of her estate (approx $10 mil) and let him decide how to wants to distribute it among her four children. I told her that didn’t sound enforceable and she told me to buzz off. So I’m prepared to get zero.
I have a similar experience. My mother (73) has always favored one of my brothers, to an unhealthy extreme. She has indicated that she wants to make him executor of her estate (approx $10 mil) and let him decide how to wants to distribute it among her four children. I told her that didn’t sound enforceable and she told me to buzz off. So I’m prepared to get zero.
Anonymous
03/05/2023 21:29
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:Wow, that sounds like a bad mother. Reward the lazy one.
+1
I would be really hurt too.
Anonymous
03/05/2023 21:23
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Repeat after me OP: I AM NOT ENTITLED TO MY PARENTS' MONEY. THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT WITH IT.
I don't completely disagree, but I think it depends. A lot of parents' money is inherited. I know in my family that millions were passed down with the express wishes that it further their children, grandchildren, great grandchildren. So to the extent that someone inherits money, then leaves it all to a step mom who then leaves it to her unrelated kids, that's not right. Or when two parents have a trust, the mom died, dad remarries and the dad dissolves the trust and gives all the money to step kids.
Most families aren’t handing down millions of dollars. You need a dose of reality.
My mother has 10M net worth. She has made it clear to me and my oldest sister that my youngest sister, who has a special needs child, will get 8M while my oldest sister will get 1.2M. I will get 800K. It is my mother's money and she can decide how she wants to give to each of us. As her son and daughters, we have no rights to her money and it does not have to be equally divided. By giving me 800K and 8M to my youngest sister, it doesn't mean my mother loves any less than my sister. It is her money....
Anonymous
03/05/2023 03:41
Subject: Unequal inheritance
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Again, this poster is ignoring the fact that the brother lives with and presumably takes care of many things for the money and will only do more as she ages.
"Presumably" is doing a lot of work in this sentence. It would be nice if his emotional and physical labor over time is equal to or greater than the money his mother has spent on him and his kids. I've personally known family members who lived with an aging person and really stepped up. I wouldn't assume that has already happened or will necessarily happen in the future.
I'm so sick of that word. Some poster here uses it in every post.