Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

How is that a burden on them? So I shouldn't have married either because I married for the kids. Yes, he is wonderful man, but we would have remained boyfriend/ girlfriend if I did not want kids

I guess it's different for those who marry primarily for romantic love. I love my DH very much. But I did not marry him because of that. I married him because I thought marriage was the best institution under which we could raise children. So staying for those children can still make sense if he cheats.

Anonymous wrote:Don't stay with a spouse who cheats just "for the kids." That's a terrible burden to put on them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Here to say that my wife did exactly this. Put me through unimaginable trauma including everything the PPs said about losing weight and sleep, with constant audible sobbing, selfishly blew up our beautiful family, all of it. It is not just men. I don't understand how ANYONE does this (or facilitates this) when kids are involved, male or female.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Here to say that my wife did exactly this. Put me through unimaginable trauma including everything the PPs said about losing weight and sleep, with constant audible sobbing, selfishly blew up our beautiful family, all of it. It is not just men. I don't understand how ANYONE does this (or facilitates this) when kids are involved, male or female.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

+1 I agree with all of this and at the same time I think--how can a married woman with kids to this to another woman. I get that everyone says men are less evolved (like your last statement), but in many of these instances the men are doing it with other married women that also have kids. It's an unusually brutal thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

I had to think: did I write this? This is exactly my experience as well. So much trauma.

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

I’m a different poster and I agree it was a dumb analogy. There’s only one person in this world who can fairly compare crapping in the house with cheating, and that’s Johnny Depp.

A better one would be if your kid murdered someone. Does your love trump the infraction? For some yes, others no.

Stop with the analogies. A child who commits murder isn’t committing an offense against the parent. It isn’t about live trumping the infraction.

Marriage is an intimate relationship which requires trust between two partners. When one person has broken that trust in such a serious way, the other person is not obligated to continue the relationship just because of live. Love does not require self-subjugation to abuse.

I assume this means any and all trust, right? Or does only sex count in your mind? There are plenty of ways to let down your spouse and lose trust. Perhaps your spouse experiences job loss and you no longer trust them to contribute to finances. Maybe your spouse isn’t a good parent. Maybe your spouse doesn’t handle the in-laws well. I could go on…. Just seems strange to only focus on sex and fidelity as requiring trust.

Do you have sex with your in-laws, or with your spouse's money? Who, in addition to your spouse, do you have sex with? Sex and kids are the most unique signifiers of the type of relationship that is being discussed.