Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I agree with this. I have never cheated nor had my spouse to my knowledge. But I think we as a society attach such monumental importance to strict, perfect fidelity over many decades, which is just kind of silly when you think about it in the context of our animal nature, changing emotional, physical, and intellectual needs over time. It’s almost like we use the concept of fidelity as a measure of our safety in the relationship and financially. I’m just opining here. I think there are other ways of doing life and relationships that perhaps more people are starting to think about.

Many people agree with you. I assume a lot of the people so outraged by cheating are younger and idealistic. I am nearing 50. Call me jaded, but when I look around at the actual marriages that are still going (there are many of them!), a lot of them are sexless, or the passion is gone. Even the stats about married people age 50+ show that most aren't having sex that often and many are down to once a month or less.

Do you throw it all away for one last chance at experiencing life's greatest joys? Or just bottle that stuff inside and let the resentment grow?

Regardless of the moralizing, our animal instincts often win out.

But then you divorce or open the marriage like an adult. Not pretend you didn't eat a cookie.

+2. Exactly. Open the marriage or divorce. This is where there’s never a good answer to why not open marriage/cheat except that it’s not good for them (obviously the messaging is that cheating is for the benefit of wife/kids etc. which is clearly not the case).

PP cheater here, of course this is the answer. I don't ask for an open marriage because she will say no and then be suspicious. What is good for me is keeping my marriage intact and having sex on the side. What would be best for me is having a loving sexual relationship but she doesn't want that with me. If she catches me, she can decide to divorce or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I agree with this. I have never cheated nor had my spouse to my knowledge. But I think we as a society attach such monumental importance to strict, perfect fidelity over many decades, which is just kind of silly when you think about it in the context of our animal nature, changing emotional, physical, and intellectual needs over time. It’s almost like we use the concept of fidelity as a measure of our safety in the relationship and financially. I’m just opining here. I think there are other ways of doing life and relationships that perhaps more people are starting to think about.

Many people agree with you. I assume a lot of the people so outraged by cheating are younger and idealistic. I am nearing 50. Call me jaded, but when I look around at the actual marriages that are still going (there are many of them!), a lot of them are sexless, or the passion is gone. Even the stats about married people age 50+ show that most aren't having sex that often and many are down to once a month or less.

Do you throw it all away for one last chance at experiencing life's greatest joys? Or just bottle that stuff inside and let the resentment grow?

Regardless of the moralizing, our animal instincts often win out.

But then you divorce or open the marriage like an adult. Not pretend you didn't eat a cookie.

There is an entirely reasonable school of thought that any spouse who a) never initiates/usually rejects/basically uninterested in sex b) avoids conversations about it c) makes NO attempt to even acknowledge the elephant in the room d) seems more or less content with the sexless status quo for months/years ... this spouse has chosen to put his/her head in the sand, is NOT acting as an adult, and couldn't care less about any cookie eating.

First off. There are a whole group of people who are just turned off by their spouse because they are closeted gays or just now prefer blonds instead of brunettes or whatever and they are the ones refusing sex in the marriage and also cheating. Remember Chris Watts wife wanting to have sex with him and meanwhile he was avoiding her and off with his new love and thinking about how to get away from her. Again cheaters aren’t honest people except for this one flaw.

+100. It’s not like they apply their faulty logic to only cheating. They apply that thought process to other decisions in their life as well. Cheating tells you about how they handle situations in their life.

Also this argument makes no sense. If you think your wife or husband doesn’t love you enough to have sex with you you somehow automatically want to become a cheater when you’ve never lied before ? No you would have a talk about sex in the open and come to a conclusion you could both live with. Honest people act honestly. Dishonest people act dishonestly. There is never an honest way forward for a dishonest person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I agree with this. I have never cheated nor had my spouse to my knowledge. But I think we as a society attach such monumental importance to strict, perfect fidelity over many decades, which is just kind of silly when you think about it in the context of our animal nature, changing emotional, physical, and intellectual needs over time. It’s almost like we use the concept of fidelity as a measure of our safety in the relationship and financially. I’m just opining here. I think there are other ways of doing life and relationships that perhaps more people are starting to think about.

Many people agree with you. I assume a lot of the people so outraged by cheating are younger and idealistic. I am nearing 50. Call me jaded, but when I look around at the actual marriages that are still going (there are many of them!), a lot of them are sexless, or the passion is gone. Even the stats about married people age 50+ show that most aren't having sex that often and many are down to once a month or less.

Do you throw it all away for one last chance at experiencing life's greatest joys? Or just bottle that stuff inside and let the resentment grow?

Regardless of the moralizing, our animal instincts often win out.

But then you divorce or open the marriage like an adult. Not pretend you didn't eat a cookie.

There is an entirely reasonable school of thought that any spouse who a) never initiates/usually rejects/basically uninterested in sex b) avoids conversations about it c) makes NO attempt to even acknowledge the elephant in the room d) seems more or less content with the sexless status quo for months/years ... this spouse has chosen to put his/her head in the sand, is NOT acting as an adult, and couldn't care less about any cookie eating.

First off. There are a whole group of people who are just turned off by their spouse because they are closeted gays or just now prefer blonds instead of brunettes or whatever and they are the ones refusing sex in the marriage and also cheating. Remember Chris Watts wife wanting to have sex with him and meanwhile he was avoiding her and off with his new love and thinking about how to get away from her. Again cheaters aren’t honest people except for this one flaw.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

Having been cheated on before---yes, because it changes everything.

Without trust you question everything and become a person you never wanted to be. It is no way to live.

Uhhh, no. That's a choice you make because you're not emotionally evolved enough to forgive.

NP. Actually, I think you’re not emotionally evolved to understand such a basic principle as trust and honesty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I agree with this. I have never cheated nor had my spouse to my knowledge. But I think we as a society attach such monumental importance to strict, perfect fidelity over many decades, which is just kind of silly when you think about it in the context of our animal nature, changing emotional, physical, and intellectual needs over time. It’s almost like we use the concept of fidelity as a measure of our safety in the relationship and financially. I’m just opining here. I think there are other ways of doing life and relationships that perhaps more people are starting to think about.

Many people agree with you. I assume a lot of the people so outraged by cheating are younger and idealistic. I am nearing 50. Call me jaded, but when I look around at the actual marriages that are still going (there are many of them!), a lot of them are sexless, or the passion is gone. Even the stats about married people age 50+ show that most aren't having sex that often and many are down to once a month or less.

Do you throw it all away for one last chance at experiencing life's greatest joys? Or just bottle that stuff inside and let the resentment grow?

Regardless of the moralizing, our animal instincts often win out.

But then you divorce or open the marriage like an adult. Not pretend you didn't eat a cookie.

+2. Exactly. Open the marriage or divorce. This is where there’s never a good answer to why not open marriage/cheat except that it’s not good for them (obviously the messaging is that cheating is for the benefit of wife/kids etc. which is clearly not the case).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I agree with this. I have never cheated nor had my spouse to my knowledge. But I think we as a society attach such monumental importance to strict, perfect fidelity over many decades, which is just kind of silly when you think about it in the context of our animal nature, changing emotional, physical, and intellectual needs over time. It’s almost like we use the concept of fidelity as a measure of our safety in the relationship and financially. I’m just opining here. I think there are other ways of doing life and relationships that perhaps more people are starting to think about.

Many people agree with you. I assume a lot of the people so outraged by cheating are younger and idealistic. I am nearing 50. Call me jaded, but when I look around at the actual marriages that are still going (there are many of them!), a lot of them are sexless, or the passion is gone. Even the stats about married people age 50+ show that most aren't having sex that often and many are down to once a month or less.

Do you throw it all away for one last chance at experiencing life's greatest joys? Or just bottle that stuff inside and let the resentment grow?

Regardless of the moralizing, our animal instincts often win out.

But then you divorce or open the marriage like an adult. Not pretend you didn't eat a cookie.

There is an entirely reasonable school of thought that any spouse who a) never initiates/usually rejects/basically uninterested in sex b) avoids conversations about it c) makes NO attempt to even acknowledge the elephant in the room d) seems more or less content with the sexless status quo for months/years ... this spouse has chosen to put his/her head in the sand, is NOT acting as an adult, and couldn't care less about any cookie eating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I agree with this. I have never cheated nor had my spouse to my knowledge. But I think we as a society attach such monumental importance to strict, perfect fidelity over many decades, which is just kind of silly when you think about it in the context of our animal nature, changing emotional, physical, and intellectual needs over time. It’s almost like we use the concept of fidelity as a measure of our safety in the relationship and financially. I’m just opining here. I think there are other ways of doing life and relationships that perhaps more people are starting to think about.

Many people agree with you. I assume a lot of the people so outraged by cheating are younger and idealistic. I am nearing 50. Call me jaded, but when I look around at the actual marriages that are still going (there are many of them!), a lot of them are sexless, or the passion is gone. Even the stats about married people age 50+ show that most aren't having sex that often and many are down to once a month or less.

Do you throw it all away for one last chance at experiencing life's greatest joys? Or just bottle that stuff inside and let the resentment grow?

Regardless of the moralizing, our animal instincts often win out.

But then you divorce or open the marriage like an adult. Not pretend you didn't eat a cookie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I don't get it either. If you told me which is a graver sin of: 1) my wife spending all of our money recklessly; 2) neglecting our children; 3) being emotionally or physically cruel; 4) sleeping with some dude from work on a road trip.....it almost sounds silly to type it out.

My STBX did all of the above, and I could've handled the cheating, but the other stuff were all the real dealbreakers.

Cheating isn't an isolated incident. Cheaters have issues. And to cheat, almost all will become emotionally, abusive and critical at home. Cheating also requires choosing someone else over family time/work, etc. Anyone in an affair is no joy at home.

I know. It's like these people think cheating is some impulsive thing done once in your life after celebrating a work accomplishment overseas and it never infiltrates into any part of your life and somehow you are magically cured and that impulse came and went. And that guy who thinks no one says vows anymore and means them? I don't know about this site. There is no way that person deals with life honestly other than cheating. We dated for 2 years, were engaged for a year, invited all our family and friends, went on a honeymoon, had a nice house and kids and good stable jobs and family help. He was cheating even on our vacations and spending our family money. And then blamed us for his own negligence at home knowing full well he was living a double life. This is the typical cheater. Living a completely double life for years and doing other reckless things and being a jerk at home or being overly kind to make up for their cheating. Hot and cold. I think people are confusing someone wanting to have sex outside of the relationship and opening up the relationship with cheating. These aren't the same things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I don't get it either. If you told me which is a graver sin of: 1) my wife spending all of our money recklessly; 2) neglecting our children; 3) being emotionally or physically cruel; 4) sleeping with some dude from work on a road trip.....it almost sounds silly to type it out.

My STBX did all of the above, and I could've handled the cheating, but the other stuff were all the real dealbreakers.

Cheating isn't an isolated incident. Cheaters have issues. And to cheat, almost all will become emotionally, abusive and critical at home. Cheating also requires choosing someone else over family time/work, etc. Anyone in an affair is no joy at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I don't get it either. If you told me which is a graver sin of: 1) my wife spending all of our money recklessly; 2) neglecting our children; 3) being emotionally or physically cruel; 4) sleeping with some dude from work on a road trip.....it almost sounds silly to type it out.

My STBX did all of the above, and I could've handled the cheating, but the other stuff were all the real dealbreakers.