Yeah, this is not a thing in my Jewish family! For weeks before Thanksgiving, my mom is calling me asking what type of food to buy for everyone. When I say anything, she gets mad. She wants to know what kind of bagels to pick up, do we want turkey or roast beef for lunch, what kind of juice the kids like, etc. And we do stay at a hotel, but there is no question that we will be fed when we are over at their place.

Can you have food and groceries delivered? A sandwich tray from the local grocer, pizza, Walmart grocery delivery?

OP- What did you end up doing for Thanksgiving??? How did things turn out?

Anonymous wrote:That's very bizarre. This happened to me once with family so I made a big show of ordering a huge amount of groceries and stocking the fridge for myself and partner. I would offer them some things but mostly I got speciality food I knew they wouldnt eat.

They made a big thing of being offended by it with little comments and I didnt care one bit. I cant stand people who are weird about food and IMO it's a control thing. I have no time for it.🤣
I no longer visit this person, it's not worth dealing with the 1) acting like youre stealing food from them and are some kind of mooch 2) acting like youre some snob or evil money flaunting person if you do buy food.

You cant win, so the only thing to do is not play the game. Though I did enjoy the looks on their faces when the food delivery arrived. They were shocked, miffed, and annoyed, and I loved it.

Actually, I think your response of buying food that you knew they wouldn't eat shows that you like to use food to control as well...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Can I get you to agree that you’re responsible for what you eat and I’m responsible for my family? That means no comments on what we are eating at any time. If this is a problem we will just stay somewhere else.”

Do you want to provoke a confrontation? No, they will never agree to this. And threatening to stay is hostile. This approach is quite frankly, stupid. It’s starting a fight that will create hard feelings and solve nothing.

You know what they are like. They’re not going to change. If you’re going to stay in a hotel you need to decide ahead of time, announce it as fact and ignore all complaints. If you’re going to stay with them you need to decide that your family does eat lunch every day and do that. I would say we’re “going to get some air” or “get a coffee” and go out for a big lunch every day. Ignore complaints, but I also would not talk about where we went out to eat and I would instruct the kids to not talk about it either. So, in short do whatever works for you but be discreet about it.

I would much prefer that my family be honest with me, and let me know that they are uncomfortable than sneak out and tell the kids to keep quiet. Just be open and say "Mom, this is what our family needs to be comfortable..."

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I see these types of posts a lot. I’ve never experienced it and am interested in understanding the psychological dynamic / reasons that hosts families do this. Is it disordered eating on their part? Belief that food and consumption are dirty or bad in some way? If there’s any mental health professionals on this thread I’d be genuinely interested in understanding it. It just seems so bizarre.

I think it’s a combination of things

1. Control issues that manifest itself through food.

2. Old people just eat less than younger folks. It’s because you don’t need as much food when you are old, and also because they were probably not raised constantly snacking and eating the huge portions that have become standard in today’s world!

3. They are used to just feeding 2 people, not your DH and all your kids

Anonymous wrote:That's very bizarre. This happened to me once with family so I made a big show of ordering a huge amount of groceries and stocking the fridge for myself and partner. I would offer them some things but mostly I got speciality food I knew they wouldnt eat.

They made a big thing of being offended by it with little comments and I didnt care one bit. I cant stand people who are weird about food and IMO it's a control thing. I have no time for it.🤣
I no longer visit this person, it's not worth dealing with the 1) acting like youre stealing food from them and are some kind of mooch 2) acting like youre some snob or evil money flaunting person if you do buy food.

You cant win, so the only thing to do is not play the game. Though I did enjoy the looks on their faces when the food delivery arrived. They were shocked, miffed, and annoyed, and I loved it.

This is the right attitude right there. You might as well get exactly the food you love and enjoy the ensuing shock, OP

NP here. I see these types of posts a lot. I’ve never experienced it and am interested in understanding the psychological dynamic / reasons that hosts families do this. Is it disordered eating on their part? Belief that food and consumption are dirty or bad in some way? If there’s any mental health professionals on this thread I’d be genuinely interested in understanding it. It just seems so bizarre.

That's very bizarre. This happened to me once with family so I made a big show of ordering a huge amount of groceries and stocking the fridge for myself and partner. I would offer them some things but mostly I got speciality food I knew they wouldnt eat.

They made a big thing of being offended by it with little comments and I didnt care one bit. I cant stand people who are weird about food and IMO it's a control thing. I have no time for it.🤣
I no longer visit this person, it's not worth dealing with the 1) acting like youre stealing food from them and are some kind of mooch 2) acting like youre some snob or evil money flaunting person if you do buy food.

You cant win, so the only thing to do is not play the game. Though I did enjoy the looks on their faces when the food delivery arrived. They were shocked, miffed, and annoyed, and I loved it.

Anonymous wrote:OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

I agree with the last one, if they want to see your kids, have them come to you, then it's your house and your rules. and they can eat as little as they want.

Anonymous wrote:Try bursting into tears. I feel like this is often an effective and underutilized strategy for getting out of weird social situations. Works great for small children.

Pro tip: works great at the DMV too.

LOL! I love you!

There has to be some give and take on this. Good hosts try to make their guests comfortable (and closing the kitchen is always wrong), but guests have a role to play, too. Good guests go with the flow of the house, within reason. Or if they can't or won't do that (which may be the case when kids are little), they stay in a hotel.

My retired parents are PITAs about food. At home they do a full hot breakfast at 7 AM daily, and get miffed when we don't do things that way at our house, and on a busy weekday morning, point them to the cereal and fruit as DH and I are running around trying to get everyone out the door to school and work. They are able-bodied and welcome make themselves eggs and bacon if they want, but I do ask that they wait until we leave (by 8 AM) and that's apparently a huuuge burden. They also complain if dinner isn't on the table by 6 because they don't like to eat too late. We're lucky to be home by 6.

Rigid inflexible people should stay in hotels.