Anonymous wrote:The mistake is potentially being so up front with it, and so confident that it’s what you’ll want. I think if you’d said, “i want to save money so we have the flexibility if one of us wants to stay home with the kids for a few years” it might land better.

I NEVER thought I’d SAH, and my DH and I were both ambitious. Six weeks after our first was born it was painfully clear to BOTH of us how much we wanted a parent to be with her, and I was the one who wanted to and the one who earned less money, so it all made sense. Ten years and three kids later I’m still a SAHM and my DH values it enormously. But he genuinely didn’t feel that way before we had kids, both because he couldn’t conceive of how obsessed he’d be with them and because he was naive about how much work it takes.

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Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

Being a stay at home mom is not lazy. It’s a tough job, tougher than a 9-5 in many ways.

Not really.

Especially after the kids are school-aged. And the reality is a lot of these women who want to be SAHMs and say they'll return to work ... don't.

I work part time, but I had such the opposite experience. I thought work was harder than being home when the kids were little.
Now work is pretty easy. I’ve been doing the same thing for nearly 20 years, and there is rarely a problem that I haven’t seen before. Most things I have literally dealt with hundreds or thousands of times.

My kids, on the other hand, are constantly changing. Parenting a teenager is completely different than parenting a toddler. It’s hard to believe they are even the same person.

In addition, my parents are getting older, so instead of being able to help me, they need my help.

Anyway, I do NOT feel like being a parent of older kids is somehow easier than doing the same job you have been doing your entire adult life. That’s crazy.

What a bizarre comment. Work is hard if you’re dumb and can’t adapt. And most of us have jobs that change as we move up the ladder. We aren’t just doing the same job for decades in stagnation.

I definitely understand what PP means. Do you even work? For most of us as we move into our 40s and 50s it becomes easier to manage work. You figure out how to navigate the workplace, have built a deep network and have a lot of knowledge. I’m on cruise control as I navigate older kids.

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Anonymous wrote:Look for MAGA who want tradwives.

DH is very liberal and I am a stay at home/trad wife.

He's not very liberal then.

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Anonymous wrote:Nobody is mentioning the importance of saving for the $200K it will cost to send each of these kids to college. I doubt these kids want their mom sitting at home while they're in middle school and then making them take the max student loans when it's time for college because the parents didn't have the ability to save that much for each of the 3 kids on just dad's salary.

OP only wants to stay home until the kids are in school

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Anonymous wrote:Look for MAGA who want tradwives.

DH is very liberal and I am a stay at home/trad wife.

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unreasonable for a man to want a working wife. I would also not go into marriage planning to pull a bait and switch unless you’re okay with the idea of working if he doesn’t agree. If this is truly a dealbreaker for you then you need to keep looking for high earners.

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Anonymous wrote:Nobody is mentioning the importance of saving for the $200K it will cost to send each of these kids to college. I doubt these kids want their mom sitting at home while they're in middle school and then making them take the max student loans when it's time for college because the parents didn't have the ability to save that much for each of the 3 kids on just dad's salary.

Preach
However this is DCUM
Allllllll the husband’s of these SAHM’s are rich

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Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend (32) and I (30) just ended our relationship. I’m really heartbroken. We had been together for a year and were even discussing getting engaged and married. We talked about having kids too. We both want to have kids (2 and maybe 3).
I don’t want to put my kids in daycare. I want to be a stay-at-home mom until they start school.
He doesn’t agree with this plan. We both have jobs and earn about the same amount. I believe we could manage on one income.
After two months of arguing about this, we decided to break up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ended a relationship because the guy wasn’t okay with the idea of me being a SAHM.

There are a lot of SAHM on this board. I really need your advice. How did you persuade your husband to let you stay home?
A friend told me to not bring it up while dating because it will scare men. She recommended waiting until after I’m married and have kids. She said that they will be open up to it once they have children. Is that the right approach

Are there still guys out there in the dating world who are okay with that?
Where do I find them?

Op,
I was not looking for a husband who was ok with SAHM - we were way too young to even discuss this. I became a SAHM after a bit of trial and error : combination of personal health issues, an accident that made me question my priorities in life, and my general indifference toward my corporate job. My husband was definitely skeptical in the beginning because modern society has successfully rewired both men and women to expect working women to be the norm. But once he saw how well our kids were being taken care of - this is in comparison to both daycares and a full time nanny, we had experience with both - he realized it was a huge sacrifice on my part to prioritize the wellbeing of the children. We had perfectly positive experiences with the nanny but there is just no comparison in the amount and kind of love and affection he sees in me versus the nanny when it came to interacting with the children. There were also a ton of other benefits to the family as a whole - so many fewer sicknesses during the early years, no stress managing an employee and dealing with what can be a stressful dynamic with a nanny, always backup care for snow days/sick days…. The list goes on.

It helped that I embraced the role and try my best. I’m not an Instagram worthy granola mom but I cook most meals for the kids, take them to all sorts of activities, proactively dealt with sleep training and potty training for everyone’s sanity. My husband sees how hard and thankless being a SAHM mom is and is grateful I quit a pretty cushy job to do it. I think the biggest thing is he loves the children and want the best for them - and in the case of our family, it’s me being a SAHM. There is also no question that once my younger kid starts preschool, I will start looking for part time work and eventually go back to full time.

Men have reason to be skeptical because there is no glamor or even that much fun in being a SAHM. it’s a grind most days and I’ve frequently struggled with regret / burn out. For a lot of families it is not the right choice. If you can’t do a good job and maintain your own sanity while doing it, it’s better to outsource to qualified professionals. But if a man truly loves your kids, he should support a trial where you can demonstrate that you are up for the role.