Number one worst person here is, as others have said, the friend. And not in some anti feminist kind of way.

What the husband did was bad, kind of. I do think you should be able to talk about people you think are hot with your best friend (male or female). Not in grotesque trump like locker room talk but talking about thinking someone is hot is just surface level and generally obvious. If he had been like, 'oh my nanny is hot and here is her instagram account that I have already found and regularly look at' I would be saying something different.

The friend though, as others have said, weaponized this. It does create a wedge, even if OP and her husband both wish it wasn't there. It becomes active attraction instead of passive and will be present in the room whenever they are together. Friend would know this. I literally cannot imagine going up to any friend's husband and saying something like this. Either the friend is total space cadet clueless or was trying to be mean.

And for the record, the actions of the husband vs friend have to be evaluated entirely on their own merits. I think the argument that husband was indiscreet and therefore bad is reasonable but not incompatible with indiscreet friend being a jerk.

Nanny is entirely innocent in all of this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women wonder why they face discrimination, I point to this. It's women doing it to each other. You want to fire a woman just because she is more attractive than you. Cray cray.

Who needs the patriarchy

Patriarchy has always required the support and assistance of women to succeed. We have people blaming the wife, the friend, the nanny, too many are reluctant to hold the husband accountable. We've got people bragging about how the fire or don't hire attractive women at their jobs. The real kicker is I bet most of these posters consider themselves feminist and were out protesting in pink hats against Trump and freaking out about their rights when RGB died. Fwminism and confronting misogyny happens in real-time, in the smaller moments of our lives, folks

Agree with all of this, except there is nothing the man did that was wrong. He merely commented that his nanny was hot to a friend. Not to the nanny. He didn't create a hostile work environment. This whole scenario is just women tearing each other down for their looks

He should have kept it to himself or just his wife because now it's been spread around the community creating a very awkward situation for the nanny. Self-control is a hallmark of adulthood, as adults, we know we don't have to verbalize every thought that crosses our mind. Raise your standards for men.

+1

+2

+3.

Anonymous wrote:As a former nanny, I found it funny when women acted like their twenty something year old manny wanted her 40 year old husband. I remember vividly one woman making comments for her husband to make sure he covers up. Trust me, we babe hot men our age. I’m not after your 40 year old husband. Most nannies aren’t. We don’t want your husbands.

I find it hilarious that you think a 12 year age gap is some gulf.

I'm 46 and, tbh, if I were perving on a younger woman she'd be more like 19. 28 is almost 30 which is pretty close to expiration date.

Get a new nanny. Honestly, don't do this to yourself. I've always hired older nannies (who don't have social media). Never in my life would I hire a younger nanny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just like that Trump Access Hollywood tape, right? I hope none of you saying this is totally fine were outraged by that. It’s just a private conversation between men, after all...

Are you really equating saying someone is hot to bragging about sexual assault? If the husband had said he was going to grab the nanny by her p*ssy, yeah, I’d be on board with calling him a villain. But he didn’t assault anyone and then brag about it. Huge difference.

FFS, he was not talking about ACTUALLY sexually assaulting anyone you ninny. And you’re fooling yourself, it is absolutely no different than any other boys will be boys locker room talk (such as how hot the nanny is). You just choose to be outraged by Trump because you hate him, and choose not to be outraged by some skeevy suburban dads because you want to be perceived as a “cool wife”.

I divorced after 23 years of marriage and I actually dated a much younger nanny for a while. Even picked her up for dates and dropped her off in the morning at the house she worked at. The h in that house was normal friendly but his w used to shoot needles at me from her eyes.

I haven’t followed the whole thread but I’m a PP that called a poster strict and bossy and sent a hug. I didn’t check back much after.

I was in the shower and thinking about why someone would be so sincerely concerned and condemning about a man talking to one of his friends about his employee being hot. It is locker room talk but that doesn’t mean it is okay. I thought how would I feel if my husband and we’re a CEO and Google and he told his friend that his subordinate is hot. The optics would be horrible. The dynamic doesn’t change if instead of a corporation with billions of investment value vs a household staff and employer relationship. It’s wrong it is inappropriate and it is an unnecessary liability. The difference is people care more about how Google is run than some working relationship for someone self-employed. They deserve fair and equal treatment too. There are guys I work with that I think are hot but I would never ever say that to anyone out of respect for their stature, our professional relationship and their personal dignity. So pp if you’re still reading know that what you said gave me enough pause to think it over and arrive at a different perspective on the matter that I didn’t have before. So I’m sending you another e hug for that 🤗

Is a nanny less hot if you simply acknowledge it and keep it to yourself and your personal fantasies?


Don't understand why you need to share with the guys.

Are you jerking off together?

I know of 5 real life marriages that ended with the husband having an affair with the nanny. None of the men were particularly attractive. I am sure that the majority of nannies refer to date people their own age, but not all of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 40 and have two twin boys who are 2. We have a nanny who is honestly fantastic and quite pretty, she's 28.

One of my friends (DH's best friends wife) came over right as the nanny was leaving and briefly said hello to her. Her and I continued to chat and she made a comment "she's as hot as Chris (fake name for DH) described her."

I looked pretty shocked when she said that. She apologized extensively and mentioned my husband Chris has told her husband that we have a really hot nanny. She continued to assure me nothing fishy was up it was just the guys talking.


I feel really hurt. Obviously it's because I'm insecure because she's clearly attractive and 10 years younger than me. Should I bring it up to him?

Your “friend” did that on purpose. She knew she was throwing a grenade in the window.

She’s a good friend. She kindly let OP know that her husband has noticed the nanny. So what? Some women are naive enough to think “oh what would a 21 year old want with a 42 year old anyway” and are sadly mistaken. Tale as old as time.

I’d be on high alert in OP’s shoes but also admit I wouldn’t have hired an attractive nanny on the first place unless my husband traveled extensively and wouldn’t be around her much.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 40 and have two twin boys who are 2. We have a nanny who is honestly fantastic and quite pretty, she's 28.

One of my friends (DH's best friends wife) came over right as the nanny was leaving and briefly said hello to her. Her and I continued to chat and she made a comment "she's as hot as Chris (fake name for DH) described her."

I looked pretty shocked when she said that. She apologized extensively and mentioned my husband Chris has told her husband that we have a really hot nanny. She continued to assure me nothing fishy was up it was just the guys talking.


I feel really hurt. Obviously it's because I'm insecure because she's clearly attractive and 10 years younger than me. Should I bring it up to him?

Your “friend” did that on purpose. She knew she was throwing a grenade in the window.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women wonder why they face discrimination, I point to this. It's women doing it to each other. You want to fire a woman just because she is more attractive than you. Cray cray.

Who needs the patriarchy

Patriarchy has always required the support and assistance of women to succeed. We have people blaming the wife, the friend, the nanny, too many are reluctant to hold the husband accountable. We've got people bragging about how the fire or don't hire attractive women at their jobs. The real kicker is I bet most of these posters consider themselves feminist and were out protesting in pink hats against Trump and freaking out about their rights when RGB died. Fwminism and confronting misogyny happens in real-time, in the smaller moments of our lives, folks

Smartest post on here.

+1

This is completely off-topic but I have an Etsy store with a few select items which relate to feminism. Let me tell you the absolute worst customers I’ve ever had are the ones purchasing these products specifically. The messages are always extremely rude and condescending if they’re unhappy about any single part of their transaction. I always found it a bit ironic they weren’t more supportive of another woman run business (largely considering the product they’re purchasing) and their complaints were always extremely trivial or flat out wrong. Some women really just have something to prove

It’s a very long story short - it’s fun to put on a hat and participate in marches but when it comes to real world application many women fall short. Is it biology?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are 40 and have two twin boys who are 2. We have a nanny who is honestly fantastic and quite pretty, she's 28.

One of my friends (DH's best friends wife) came over right as the nanny was leaving and briefly said hello to her. Her and I continued to chat and she made a comment "she's as hot as Chris (fake name for DH) described her."

I looked pretty shocked when she said that. She apologized extensively and mentioned my husband Chris has told her husband that we have a really hot nanny. She continued to assure me nothing fishy was up it was just the guys talking.


I feel really hurt. Obviously it's because I'm insecure because she's clearly attractive and 10 years younger than me. Should I bring it up to him?

It’s unfortunate, but for whatever reason when you say you have a nanny or are getting a nanny literally the first question many guys ask is “is she hot?” Or if they have seen her and she is cute: “brah, your nanny is so hot right?” I don’t think acknowledging it is a big deal. Briefly volunteering that in conversation with your best friend is also not a big deal. The issue here is your use of the language: “as hot as Chris DESCRIBED her.” That is probably what set you off. Described her? That’s a little weird. But based on your story it sounds like the friend just misspoke and that he just called her hot and didn’t going into detail about her curves etc. It is probably best to let it go if this is a one-off incident. If it really bothers you and you can’t let it go just bring it up with your husband. What’s so hard about telling him that you had to listen to your friend sharing that he thought the nanny was hot and if he could please keep it to himself because it was annoying to hear.

What if an accurate description was “fat troll”. And the DH described her to his friend as a fat troll, friend then says to his DW “Chris said there nanny is a fat troll, and really good at her job”. Friends wife opens the door and see a fat troll playing with kids on the other side of the room and says to OP she is exactly like Chris described her.

Would we we be having this discussion?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women wonder why they face discrimination, I point to this. It's women doing it to each other. You want to fire a woman just because she is more attractive than you. Cray cray.

Who needs the patriarchy

Patriarchy has always required the support and assistance of women to succeed. We have people blaming the wife, the friend, the nanny, too many are reluctant to hold the husband accountable. We've got people bragging about how the fire or don't hire attractive women at their jobs. The real kicker is I bet most of these posters consider themselves feminist and were out protesting in pink hats against Trump and freaking out about their rights when RGB died. Fwminism and confronting misogyny happens in real-time, in the smaller moments of our lives, folks

Smartest post on here.

+1

Hold him accountable for what? Admitting someone is attractive, I see attractive people everyday, it doesn’t mean I have sexual thoughts them. There are plenty of attractive people that I would want nothing to with. And the DH said it to a friend. He didn’t tell nanny he though she was attractive, that would be inappropriate.

We've been over this multiple times in this thread. Did you bother reading it? If you have, it seems you're a bit slow. The problem is not that he finds the nanny attractive. The problem is that he opened his mouth about it thus disrespecting his wife and crating an awkward situation for the nanny, and he alone is wrong and accountable for that. Find whomever you want to attractive, keep your trap shut and stay out of trouble it really is that simple.

In a private conversation with another man. Same kind of conversations that woman have. We all have. He sees lots of hot women and sometimes, he shares this knowledge with other men. It's what people do.

Just like that Trump Access Hollywood tape, right? I hope none of you saying this is totally fine were outraged by that. It’s just a private conversation between men, after all...

Are you really equating saying someone is hot to bragging about sexual assault? If the husband had said he was going to grab the nanny by her p*ssy, yeah, I’d be on board with calling him a villain. But he didn’t assault anyone and then brag about it. Huge difference.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When women wonder why they face discrimination, I point to this. It's women doing it to each other. You want to fire a woman just because she is more attractive than you. Cray cray.

Who needs the patriarchy

Patriarchy has always required the support and assistance of women to succeed. We have people blaming the wife, the friend, the nanny, too many are reluctant to hold the husband accountable. We've got people bragging about how the fire or don't hire attractive women at their jobs. The real kicker is I bet most of these posters consider themselves feminist and were out protesting in pink hats against Trump and freaking out about their rights when RGB died. Fwminism and confronting misogyny happens in real-time, in the smaller moments of our lives, folks

Smartest post on here.

+1

Hold him accountable for what? Admitting someone is attractive, I see attractive people everyday, it doesn’t mean I have sexual thoughts them. There are plenty of attractive people that I would want nothing to with. And the DH said it to a friend. He didn’t tell nanny he though she was attractive, that would be inappropriate.

We've been over this multiple times in this thread. Did you bother reading it? If you have, it seems you're a bit slow. The problem is not that he finds the nanny attractive. The problem is that he opened his mouth about it thus disrespecting his wife and crating an awkward situation for the nanny, and he alone is wrong and accountable for that. Find whomever you want to attractive, keep your trap shut and stay out of trouble it really is that simple.

In a private conversation with another man. Same kind of conversations that woman have. We all have. He sees lots of hot women and sometimes, he shares this knowledge with other men. It's what people do.

Just like that Trump Access Hollywood tape, right? I hope none of you saying this is totally fine were outraged by that. It’s just a private conversation between men, after all...