Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:31     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Anonymous wrote:Come on! She needs to get back to work. Not fair at all to The husband.

Clearly she knows if she does alimony may be reduced, unless imputes income is factored.

Very unfair.


You need to read, she works as a speech therapist. fyi
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:30     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.


Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.


OP, you are absolutely within your rights to want this and anyone who says otherwise is 100% wrong.


I agree! And the people suggesting he move to the private sector and make more money are truly nuts. He has a well-paying, stable job that will provide him and his family with a pension, good insurance, etc. It would be incredibly stupid and short-sighted for him to give that up for a less stable job as the breadwinner. I mean, what are you guys even thinking??


And, she also has a job. If he wants her to work more and harder so should he. He could also take a second job.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:28     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?


Woman here - I am totally on your side on this.

I just heard a WAMU segment this morning that was really similar - husband was an attorney at EPA. Wife has an MBA and has been out of the workforce for close to 10 years. Four kids, two or three are school age (one was 5). He was working at Home Depot on the weekends and they each had about $100k in student loan debt. He basically saw no path to financial freedom. I was scratching my head at that one. Your wife needs a job, dude!

I don't know how you can "make" her get a job, but I'm totally in your corner. Just not acceptable that one partner leaves the other holding the ball.

Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:27     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?


Guess what-- those of us who are working parents do ALL of those things. It is very doable.


+1
Typical SAHM excuses.


I’m not a SAHM but the above is real life and it sucks.
When our child was sick for 2 weeks, then another child sick for a week it destroyed us.
We had to cancel a vacation because we blew through our PTO.
To say nothing of trying to eek out work from home and tens to a sick child. It was hard.

We spend our weekends running errands at least one day and it sucks.
After work is a flurry of grabbing kids from school/activities and doing homework, house stuff, etc.
It’s not easy or fun. We do it, but to demean people who choose to avoid this and pretend this isn’t real life is not helpful.

If you have no outside help, no family help, it’s an entirely different level. Please don’t brush that away.


Um, OP has high schoolers. You stayed home for two weeks with a sick high schooler?


High schoolers that used to be middle schoolers that used to be elementary schoolers.
My point was in response to a poster brushing off all SAHM’s as worthless.
I am NOT a SAHM but my above post was to demonstrate how the things that poster demeaned and devalued are very real for many families.

And I suppose yes, if I had a 15 year old home with a blazing fever and pneumonia, yes I would want to be with them. I’m a mother. I love my children and would still want to be there for a very very sick child and not gone from 630am to 6 pm.
Sorry!
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:25     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Come on! She needs to get back to work. Not fair at all to The husband.

Clearly she knows if she does alimony may be reduced, unless imputes income is factored.

Very unfair.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:24     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.


Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.


OP that's the problem a lot of women have. DH "helping" isn't doing the 50% if both have f/t jobs.

Going by what you posted it looks to be fairly equal.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:23     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Ummmm my parents had the means to pay for my college and didn’t. It was my responsibility to get great grades, get into a great grad school, hustle my butt to work part time and go to college, and I did.
No resentment here.
At my grad school celebration dinner my dad handed me an envelope with a letter about how proud he was of me and a check to pay off grad school. I had no idea. Still paid my undergrad loans by living below my means and paying that shit down.
My parents did it their way and I expect my kids to do the same.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:23     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?


Guess what-- those of us who are working parents do ALL of those things. It is very doable.


+1
Typical SAHM excuses.


I’m not a SAHM but the above is real life and it sucks.
When our child was sick for 2 weeks, then another child sick for a week it destroyed us.
We had to cancel a vacation because we blew through our PTO.
To say nothing of trying to eek out work from home and tens to a sick child. It was hard.

We spend our weekends running errands at least one day and it sucks.
After work is a flurry of grabbing kids from school/activities and doing homework, house stuff, etc.
It’s not easy or fun. We do it, but to demean people who choose to avoid this and pretend this isn’t real life is not helpful.

If you have no outside help, no family help, it’s an entirely different level. Please don’t brush that away.


Um, OP has high schoolers. You stayed home for two weeks with a sick high schooler?
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:22     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Anonymous wrote:This thread is that it gives clear insight into why so many kids arrive at college totally incompetent and unable to manage basic life functioning. It's eye-opening.


Yup. Do you really need an adult to sit with a high school student when they are home sick or make them a sandwich? Or be home at 3 to make sure they start their homework?
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:21     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?



New poster here- This comment above nailed it. Calculate all the unpaid labor she does at home. Does she cook, clean, make doctor appointments, take the cars to get serviced, shuttle kids to and from events, do birthday gifts magically appeared wrapped up, fridge full of food, etc.


Np: JFC - I do all that and work full-time. Some of you act like SAHMs perform these unicorn tasks that no one else could possibly do. We have lawn service, but no housekeeper yet, somehow, everything is done by two working parents. I’m not interesting in debating WAH/WOH v SAH because I think each family should make the decision that works for their circumstances, but don’t talk about how there’s no time to do any home/personal tasks, if you WAH/WOH.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:21     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
High schoolers do not need someone to stay home with them when sick. High schoolers do not need someone to make their lunches.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:20     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
PP here. I mean "This thread gives clear insight..."
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:19     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?


Guess what-- those of us who are working parents do ALL of those things. It is very doable.


+1
Typical SAHM excuses.


I’m not a SAHM but the above is real life and it sucks.
When our child was sick for 2 weeks, then another child sick for a week it destroyed us.
We had to cancel a vacation because we blew through our PTO.
To say nothing of trying to eek out work from home and tens to a sick child. It was hard.

We spend our weekends running errands at least one day and it sucks.
After work is a flurry of grabbing kids from school/activities and doing homework, house stuff, etc.
It’s not easy or fun. We do it, but to demean people who choose to avoid this and pretend this isn’t real life is not helpful.

If you have no outside help, no family help, it’s an entirely different level. Please don’t brush that away.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:19     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
This thread is that it gives clear insight into why so many kids arrive at college totally incompetent and unable to manage basic life functioning. It's eye-opening.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2020 10:15     Subject: I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:While agree the wife needs to step up her contribution to the household, who really think the husband is doing all he says he is??? My guy would also say he cooks, cleans and helps with the kids, what that really means is he does an occasional weekend breakfast or dinner, runs a load of sheets if I’ve been ill and asks the kids how their day was before wandering off to stare at his phone! Also op said the cleaner comes in 1 ever 3 weeks big whoop, that’s not covering the daily grind of keeping a house clean! And yes I work from home making over 100k not my fault he couldn’t manage the same!


+100

I work full time and manage the house and it SUCKS. In total I work so many more hours than my husband. Many men are in true denial about this phenomenon.


+another 100

I work part time and posted above to the OP about our reasons why it works for us, but almost 100% of my friends who work full time face the same issue.