Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the feedback, and I am happy that some of them are sane! I talked to a couple of my friends in the past few days and now I understand (plus from your comments) that I am not supposed to this. I can only make small talk - this is the culture here. Did not know. How sad. So are the many creepy remarks to my very normal and human interaction and reaction. But ok, now I know how I am supposed to behave and will try my best. By the way, my two kids and the other two kids were talking about having a playdate at our house, so as you can see, obviously the other two kids do not have any issues with me. Not sure if their parent will agree to it though. We shall see. We have plenty of other playdates, but have never had one with these two kids.

Sounds like it was a good learning experience for you and no harm was done! Thank you for the update.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the feedback, and I am happy that some of them are sane! I talked to a couple of my friends in the past few days and now I understand (plus from your comments) that I am not supposed to this. I can only make small talk - this is the culture here. Did not know. How sad. So are the many creepy remarks to my very normal and human interaction and reaction. But ok, now I know how I am supposed to behave and will try my best. By the way, my two kids and the other two kids were talking about having a playdate at our house, so as you can see, obviously the other two kids do not have any issues with me. Not sure if their parent will agree to it though. We shall see. We have plenty of other playdates, but have never had one with these two kids.

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP here, as I originally thought this thread was just about saying hi to kids in aftercare. Now that I know OP was trying to mediate a conflict between her child and other kids, I have to weigh in on the side of "OP Is Wrong."

Having the mother of one of the kids in the conflict engage with the conflict shifts the power dynamic in a really unhealthy way. It's not good for anyone, not for the kids who are suddenly being ganged up on by an adult, and not for the OP's child, who doesn't learn to mediate their own minor elementary school drama.

That's why parents really need to stay out of this stuff, as they don't have the entire context, and they would never be able to engage objectively even if they did have the entire context.

The aftercare provider is a perfectly appropriate mediator, if mediation is necessary, because they aren't emotionally tied to any of the kids.

OP was wrong. The other parent was absolutely correct. Also, I've lived all over the world and I am struggling to figure out where OP might be from where this is common. Most cultures are MORE interested in letting kids mediate their own conflict, not LESS.

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Anonymous wrote:OP here - we are traveling, and I have not been able to check in. Wow, I am seeing some crazy comments here. I am not going to go into more details about how things exactly happened and how our aftercare functions, but many of the things some of you described is incorrect.

It is surprising to me how some of you view the world. The way you think no-one but you should be able to talk to your child. I am not a stranger to those kid; the four kids (my two and the other two siblings) spend the entire afternoon together in aftercare 5 days a week, every single week. They are friends. Most of the time I arrive a bit earlier than the other Mother and the kids are playing together and I say hello to those other kids. They are nice kids, nice to me and my kids. But kids fight, but next day they make up. The kids are nice. The mother is not friendly and never says hello to me or my kids. Maybe she thinks that's normal, but it is not normal for me. The aftercare does not have sufficient supervision. I was nice to those kids when I chatted with them. It was not a lecture. It was a usual chat and I included maybe once sentence about what happened the day before. And the next day all four of them played together again, as they usually do.

There is so much drama in E.S. aftercare, it is not easy sometimes to manage kids of different grade levels who are still learning how to socialize. It's much more challenging than the regular classrooms where kids are more or less the same age.

You don’t get it. In their mind, you’re two friends’ parent and maybe an adult acquaintance. You aren’t a friend of the parent or child. You only know the kids in one small way, and it does NOT give you the right to act like you know how their parent wants them act!

Of course I am not the Mother's friend, and not a friend of the two kids. I am the mother of my kids' friends. We have invited these kids to my kids b'day party. Those two kids have invited my kids to their b'day party. They have attended a common friend's birthday party. I am not representing their Mother when I talk to them. Don't be so weird. There is no such rule that only the parents can talk to children. People do not live in their individual bubbles. We are all part of a community. Too bad that many of you prefer to isolate your kids from natural human interaction. And sorry, but my kids are not the snowflakes and I am not the helicopter parent. It's the other way around. You are the helicopter parents and your kids are the snowflakes - those who posted that no other adults should be able to interact with their kids. Thank god I did not grow up in a society with these kind of values. Must be exhausting, fearful and very isolating.

I work in childcare, and I volunteer at school. Unlike you, I’m VERY careful about how I approach discipline for kids whom I have never been granted authority.

She was not "disciplining" them. Good grief, she was simply talking to them. As has been clarified over and over and over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It can be irritating when others correct your kids. Not in all circumstances- but over the holidays we hosted Christmas dinner and my BIL and SIL who have no kids like to correct and direct my kids. For example, we were all sitting down to the table and waiting for people to get served food and my three year old is sitting nicely with his new transformer at table while we are waiting to start eating. My SIL says "No toys at the table Larlo." Where she is getting this rule, as it is our house and our table and he is not being disruptive at all, I don't know. I ignore her and say he needs to put away the toy once everyone gets their food.

While we are opening presents in a room strewn with wrapping paper all over and my three year old is opening up a candy that he received and lets the wrapper drop to the floor- BIL says "Pick that up and put it in that bowl over there." The whole party has been letting paper fall where it may! The problem is that this puts me in the position of having to enforce or not enforce their random directives and rules. What they are choosing to nitpick may not be something that I think is worth the battle to enforce.

Yes, if it is something that is a safety issue or egregious, but otherwise, don't correct other people's kids, especially when you are a guest in their home. It can also come across as critical to the kid and parents if you feel the liberty to intervene with their child over minor things.

My BIL tried to correct something else minor my kid was doing and I said "If there is a behavior that needs addressing I will do it."

They probably feel that they and your son are part of the same family and thus they are able to also give him direction. Maybe your kid feels good knowing he's part of a network of adults who are raising him.

If this bugs you, you should teach your kid not to take it personally, that BIL and SIL mean well, etc.

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I teach my kids to be respectful. Not scream like maniacs.

We are all entitled to our parenting philosophies. I didn't want my children to be deferential to any adult just because. Their teachers or parents of their friends who they were told to mind have never complained. A random adult buttonholing my kids doesn't deserve respect.

I do teach my kids to be respectful "just because." That's how we treat others, and how I teach my kids to treat others. They can't get in the car with anyone without my permission, but -- speaking to them? Of course they should be respectful of others "just because." I already posted this, but we have a cranky neighbor who doesn't like it when kids play out front. I teach my kids to be respectful of her and stop playing when she tells them to -- even though their friends' parents teach their kids to be indignant in response. How in the world can we have a functioning society if children are allowed to tell adults what is acceptable? Or to shout "YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER!" when someone they actually interact with requests something of them?

Absurd.

I think it’s absurd that she’s allowed to tell your kids whether they’re allowed to play in front of their own home.

We live in a community. We respect each other's right to live in peace. One of the things she objects to is balls that end up going into the bushes and breaking branches. So now the kids have stopped playing ball and are simply breaking branches off of the bushes for spite. (I suspect it's some parents of those kids doing it as well.) Mean-spirited, vindictive, vengeful -- THOSE are not the neighbors I want near me. Cranky old lady, I can live with. I see nothing wrong with teaching my kids to modify their behavior to suit a cranky old lady. It's living with each other. Being respectful. A better way to live.