Anonymous
10/13/2018 13:35
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it's a mistake just to go by what your dd says and not have her back. She's a teenager, not an adult, and the teen world for girls is ruled by social connections and not wanting to be the outgroup. Teens don't have the inherent judgment and maturity to recognize and deal with bullying, especially when it is happening to them and they're not seeing the 10,000 view.
If my daughter were sexually assaulted by a boyfriend or other male friend, I would not allow her to tell me I can't go to the police because she doesn't want me to make waves. This is not physical assault but it absolutely is psychological assault. Your daughter was attacked by people she thought were her friends, in a deliberately cruel and wounding way, in a team context. She doesn't have good judgment right now about the most appropriate response -- how could she? She's a teen with a forming brain, not a fully mature adult.
By deferring to her silence, you're sending a message that you won't step in as a parent and the person who loves her best in the world to help make sure that this assault is brought into the open and that it doesn't happen to her again.
If she is silent now, I am 100% sure that -- no matter how she laughs it off or otherwise puts a brave face on it in front of the team -- that she will be a target of these bitchy, cruel girls again, because she's not showing that she's stronger and rising above -- she's showing that she will be silent and take whatever they dish out without fighting back.
And she is reinforcing to the bystanders that it's best to go along with the bullies, that bullying won't be stopped, and that they should be silent because they might be next. They're not going to step in to nip it in the bud or help her out the next time these cruel girls come after her.
+1. I would tell my daughter I'm going to tell the coach (be up front about it) but I wouldn't let her talk me out of it.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 13:32
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
OP, I think it's a mistake just to go by what your dd says and not have her back. She's a teenager, not an adult, and the teen world for girls is ruled by social connections and not wanting to be the outgroup. Teens don't have the inherent judgment and maturity to recognize and deal with bullying, especially when it is happening to them and they're not seeing the 10,000 view.
If my daughter were sexually assaulted by a boyfriend or other male friend, I would not allow her to tell me I can't go to the police because she doesn't want me to make waves. This is not physical assault but it absolutely is psychological assault. Your daughter was attacked by people she thought were her friends, in a deliberately cruel and wounding way, in a team context. She doesn't have good judgment right now about the most appropriate response -- how could she? She's a teen with a forming brain, not a fully mature adult.
By deferring to her silence, you're sending a message that you won't step in as a parent and the person who loves her best in the world to help make sure that this assault is brought into the open and that it doesn't happen to her again.
If she is silent now, I am 100% sure that -- no matter how she laughs it off or otherwise puts a brave face on it in front of the team -- that she will be a target of these bitchy, cruel girls again, because she's not showing that she's stronger and rising above -- she's showing that she will be silent and take whatever they dish out without fighting back.
And she is reinforcing to the bystanders that it's best to go along with the bullies, that bullying won't be stopped, and that they should be silent because they might be next. They're not going to step in to nip it in the bud or help her out the next time these cruel girls come after her.
If my daughter were sexually assaulted by a boyfriend or other male friend, I would not allow her to tell me I can't go to the police because she doesn't want me to make waves. This is not physical assault but it absolutely is psychological assault. Your daughter was attacked by people she thought were her friends, in a deliberately cruel and wounding way, in a team context. She doesn't have good judgment right now about the most appropriate response -- how could she? She's a teen with a forming brain, not a fully mature adult.
By deferring to her silence, you're sending a message that you won't step in as a parent and the person who loves her best in the world to help make sure that this assault is brought into the open and that it doesn't happen to her again.
If she is silent now, I am 100% sure that -- no matter how she laughs it off or otherwise puts a brave face on it in front of the team -- that she will be a target of these bitchy, cruel girls again, because she's not showing that she's stronger and rising above -- she's showing that she will be silent and take whatever they dish out without fighting back.
And she is reinforcing to the bystanders that it's best to go along with the bullies, that bullying won't be stopped, and that they should be silent because they might be next. They're not going to step in to nip it in the bud or help her out the next time these cruel girls come after her.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 13:26
Subject: Re:WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
I posted earlier and said that I think you need to discuss with both the coach and the principal. One of the things that really bothers me is how premeditated this was and how long and drawn out this "prank" was. I'm shocked that not one kid went to a parent and told them about this.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 13:06
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
OP, do you trust the coach? Is this an adult who cares about the individual kids and not just their performance? If so, I would encourage your DD to talk to the coach. She can even do it alone. She can honestly tell the coach what happened, how it made her feel, and ask the coach's advice on what to do next. Your DD can tell the coach she is not sure she is comfortable with the coach talking to the other players about it. The coach may not be able to honor that, but if he or she is good at their job hopefully they can explain their position to your DD in a way she understands and agrees with.
Even as adults we sometimes need help with other people. I don't think "standing up for yourself" means pretending that you don't care when other people hurt you. I think it would be a good experience for your DD to reach out to the coach and deal with it that way. If the coach's response is terrible, that is an important lesson to. Sometimes the adults who are supposed to help you don't do it the right way. It would be great for your DD to be walked through this process with your support before she has to go it alone as an adult.
Even as adults we sometimes need help with other people. I don't think "standing up for yourself" means pretending that you don't care when other people hurt you. I think it would be a good experience for your DD to reach out to the coach and deal with it that way. If the coach's response is terrible, that is an important lesson to. Sometimes the adults who are supposed to help you don't do it the right way. It would be great for your DD to be walked through this process with your support before she has to go it alone as an adult.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 12:13
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would leave no doubt as to my opinion on this prank with the coach and the other parents.
I did once when my oldest was younger and pranked, and I really think that nobody thought I would say anything. But I did.
And you know what? It felt great to stand up for my daughter. I would do it again in a heartbeat. We teach others how to treat us.
Glad it felt great for you. It probably humiliated your kid! But hey you have to show everyone you’re the Mama Bear regardless of who gets embarrassed in the process right!!
+1
I think some "intense" moms get this drastically and dramatically wrong.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 12:12
Subject: Re:WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The coach needs to know two girls are rotting her team from the inside.
I would find out where bully girls want to go college and back channel the info to the institution.
You need to get a grip.
+1
No kidding. Therapy, ASAP, first PP - I can only imagine how you are ruining your children, much much more than any bullying could possibly do.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 12:04
Subject: Re:WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:The coach needs to know two girls are rotting her team from the inside.
I would find out where bully girls want to go college and back channel the info to the institution.
You need to get a grip.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 11:59
Subject: Re:WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
The coach needs to know two girls are rotting her team from the inside.
I would find out where bully girls want to go college and back channel the info to the institution.
I would find out where bully girls want to go college and back channel the info to the institution.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 11:59
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP back, this has been so helpful, thank you all for posting. Here are some of my takeaways:
This really was bullying.
Not saying something would force my DD to "keep the peace" and essentially be a victim twice.
OK to tell coach because this is unsportsmanlike behavior and he should know that two teammates are bullying other(s).
She gets to decide whether to stay or go.
Other parents may or may not have known.
Arranger-Parent likely wouldn't care.
Did I get all that right? Anything else?
Ok. This is OP again. The above were my original takeaways way back on page 3. After all the discussion I think I am here now:
This really was bullying.
I can't and won't say anything to school or coach because my DD has asked me not to. Likewise re Sports Star.
She gets to decide whether to stay or leave the team.
Other parents may or may not have known including the Arranger-Parent.
There is an event at the school this weekend (not team related) where I will likely run into one or more of the parents of teammates. This will be the first time our paths have crossed since. When they ask "How's it going?" what do I say? And how do I suppress the urge to say Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?
I would not delve into the situation at just a "How's it going?"
If they ask "How is your daughter feeling?" I would respond with something positive followed by questioning why they ask.
If they ask why she was not at past event I would give a one or two sentence honest summary. "She missed it because the team collectively decided to exclude her from the event, by providing the wrong date."
+1.
I would also reach out to the coach proactively, since the coach is responsible for addressing bullying.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 11:59
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:I would leave no doubt as to my opinion on this prank with the coach and the other parents.
I did once when my oldest was younger and pranked, and I really think that nobody thought I would say anything. But I did.
And you know what? It felt great to stand up for my daughter. I would do it again in a heartbeat. We teach others how to treat us.
Glad it felt great for you. It probably humiliated your kid! But hey you have to show everyone you’re the Mama Bear regardless of who gets embarrassed in the process right!!
Anonymous
10/13/2018 11:46
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP back, this has been so helpful, thank you all for posting. Here are some of my takeaways:
This really was bullying.
Not saying something would force my DD to "keep the peace" and essentially be a victim twice.
OK to tell coach because this is unsportsmanlike behavior and he should know that two teammates are bullying other(s).
She gets to decide whether to stay or go.
Other parents may or may not have known.
Arranger-Parent likely wouldn't care.
Did I get all that right? Anything else?
Ok. This is OP again. The above were my original takeaways way back on page 3. After all the discussion I think I am here now:
This really was bullying.
I can't and won't say anything to school or coach because my DD has asked me not to. Likewise re Sports Star.
She gets to decide whether to stay or leave the team.
Other parents may or may not have known including the Arranger-Parent.
There is an event at the school this weekend (not team related) where I will likely run into one or more of the parents of teammates. This will be the first time our paths have crossed since. When they ask "How's it going?" what do I say? And how do I suppress the urge to say Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?
I would not delve into the situation at just a "How's it going?"
If they ask "How is your daughter feeling?" I would respond with something positive followed by questioning why they ask.
If they ask why she was not at past event I would give a one or two sentence honest summary. "She missed it because the team collectively decided to exclude her from the event, by providing the wrong date."
Anonymous
10/13/2018 11:44
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
I agree that the parents might not have known anything, OP. You sound reasonable, level headed and mature (not trying to relive whatever MS/HS issues). Good on you, OP. Your DD is a lucky girl to have your level headed guidance.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 11:44
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
I would leave no doubt as to my opinion on this prank with the coach and the other parents.
I did once when my oldest was younger and pranked, and I really think that nobody thought I would say anything. But I did.
And you know what? It felt great to stand up for my daughter. I would do it again in a heartbeat. We teach others how to treat us.
I did once when my oldest was younger and pranked, and I really think that nobody thought I would say anything. But I did.
And you know what? It felt great to stand up for my daughter. I would do it again in a heartbeat. We teach others how to treat us.
Anonymous
10/13/2018 11:40
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP back, this has been so helpful, thank you all for posting. Here are some of my takeaways:
This really was bullying.
Not saying something would force my DD to "keep the peace" and essentially be a victim twice.
OK to tell coach because this is unsportsmanlike behavior and he should know that two teammates are bullying other(s).
She gets to decide whether to stay or go.
Other parents may or may not have known.
Arranger-Parent likely wouldn't care.
Did I get all that right? Anything else?
Ok. This is OP again. The above were my original takeaways way back on page 3. After all the discussion I think I am here now:
This really was bullying.
I can't and won't say anything to school or coach because my DD has asked me not to. Likewise re Sports Star.
She gets to decide whether to stay or leave the team.
Other parents may or may not have known including the Arranger-Parent.
There is an event at the school this weekend (not team related) where I will likely run into one or more of the parents of teammates. This will be the first time our paths have crossed since. When they ask "How's it going?" what do I say? And how do I suppress the urge to say Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?
OP, I would be breezy. I wouldn't bring up the incident- assuming the other parents will sympathize, it is still the wrong place/ wrong time. You might talk with your DD again about speaking to the coach, but if she doesn't want you to, then don't. The only times I've gone against my DS's wishes on something like that, the behavior from other students was ongoing, inappropriate in a way that couldn't be ignored, and my DS felt threatened. While this is bullying, it doesn't meet the threshold where your DD feels threatened or the behavior is potentially dangerous.
If the bullying continues, I would re-visit this with your DD and tell her that you *are* going to the coach because it's the right thing to do. I've said this to my son- "you're not grown yet, and I still get to decide where I'm needed."
Anonymous
10/13/2018 11:30
Subject: WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
Anonymous wrote:OP back, this has been so helpful, thank you all for posting. Here are some of my takeaways:
This really was bullying.
Not saying something would force my DD to "keep the peace" and essentially be a victim twice.
OK to tell coach because this is unsportsmanlike behavior and he should know that two teammates are bullying other(s).
She gets to decide whether to stay or go.
Other parents may or may not have known.
Arranger-Parent likely wouldn't care.
Did I get all that right? Anything else?
Ok. This is OP again. The above were my original takeaways way back on page 3. After all the discussion I think I am here now:
This really was bullying.
I can't and won't say anything to school or coach because my DD has asked me not to. Likewise re Sports Star.
She gets to decide whether to stay or leave the team.
Other parents may or may not have known including the Arranger-Parent.
There is an event at the school this weekend (not team related) where I will likely run into one or more of the parents of teammates. This will be the first time our paths have crossed since. When they ask "How's it going?" what do I say? And how do I suppress the urge to say Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?