Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP I am a supporter of maintenance sex 100%. For women, its use it or lose it IMO. Hard to get a creaky unused engine back up and running (I say this as a 32 year old who had a hard time getting my own unused engine running a couple months post partum so not a ding on age).

I do not think you should focus on her orgasm. For a lot of women it doesn't happen every time, it can be enjoyable without that. What is virtually never enjoyable is kind of knowing its unlikely to happen and having to endure a lot of extra stuff to make your partner feel like they're helping you out. If she's open about when it is and isn't in the cards take that and run with it.

Thanks for this. I was starting to second guess myself based on the SHE MUST ORGASM EVERY TIME comments. Believe me, I'm willing to spend the time making it happen for her. I enjoy getting to touch her and think up ways to try and get her off. For me that's a big part of the fun of sex. But if that's not what she's up for on a given night, I doubt it's helpful for me to insist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

Hah -- I'm absolutely not giving the impression I dislike oral. I very much enjoy giving it and have never been shy about saying so. Getting her off is one of my favorite things about sex.

Well this is kind of weird then. Look at from your POV. Would you turn down your wife offering to give you a blow job? There might be something more going on with your wife, if she’s regularly turning down oral.

Not so weird. Different people have different preferences. I know people who'd never turn down a meal. But, for me, eating can often feel like a hassle. Given a choice between a long complicated meal (even if it's delicious) and a quick sandwich, some nights I'm just going to pick the sandwich because it gets the job done a whole lot more efficiently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP I am a supporter of maintenance sex 100%. For women, its use it or lose it IMO. Hard to get a creaky unused engine back up and running (I say this as a 32 year old who had a hard time getting my own unused engine running a couple months post partum so not a ding on age).

I do not think you should focus on her orgasm. For a lot of women it doesn't happen every time, it can be enjoyable without that. What is virtually never enjoyable is kind of knowing its unlikely to happen and having to endure a lot of extra stuff to make your partner feel like they're helping you out. If she's open about when it is and isn't in the cards take that and run with it.

Thanks for this. I was starting to second guess myself based on the SHE MUST ORGASM EVERY TIME comments. Believe me, I'm willing to spend the time making it happen for her. I enjoy getting to touch her and think up ways to try and get her off. For me that's a big part of the fun of sex. But if that's not what she's up for on a given night, I doubt it's helpful for me to insist.

I think this is a fundamental difference between men and women thing. You can't imagine sex being enjoyable if it doesn't end in orgasm, most men can't. But I for one, and I don't think I'm the only one, can enjoy sex even if it doesn't end that way. Some nights it is easier than others to get there but if I feel like I HAVE to have one it is exponentially harder.

A lot of posters are talking about how much your wife sucks for giving up but the reality is she's not, she's talking to you, she's communicative about her needs and wants and she's willing to try to improve by having sex more frequently (at least based on the willingness to do the quicky?).

Don't listen to a bunch of people on DCUM in unhappy relationships, listen to your wife who seems to be actively thinking about the problem, not exactly sure how to solve it but trying to work her way through it with you.

Thanks. One benefit of reading these topics over the years is that some of the standard pieces of the conversation (e.g. do chores! declare the marriage open!) sort of become background noise. I appreciate the folks willing to lend a considerate ear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP I am a supporter of maintenance sex 100%. For women, its use it or lose it IMO. Hard to get a creaky unused engine back up and running (I say this as a 32 year old who had a hard time getting my own unused engine running a couple months post partum so not a ding on age).

I do not think you should focus on her orgasm. For a lot of women it doesn't happen every time, it can be enjoyable without that. What is virtually never enjoyable is kind of knowing its unlikely to happen and having to endure a lot of extra stuff to make your partner feel like they're helping you out. If she's open about when it is and isn't in the cards take that and run with it.

Thanks for this. I was starting to second guess myself based on the SHE MUST ORGASM EVERY TIME comments. Believe me, I'm willing to spend the time making it happen for her. I enjoy getting to touch her and think up ways to try and get her off. For me that's a big part of the fun of sex. But if that's not what she's up for on a given night, I doubt it's helpful for me to insist.

I think this is a fundamental difference between men and women thing. You can't imagine sex being enjoyable if it doesn't end in orgasm, most men can't. But I for one, and I don't think I'm the only one, can enjoy sex even if it doesn't end that way. Some nights it is easier than others to get there but if I feel like I HAVE to have one it is exponentially harder.

A lot of posters are talking about how much your wife sucks for giving up but the reality is she's not, she's talking to you, she's communicative about her needs and wants and she's willing to try to improve by having sex more frequently (at least based on the willingness to do the quicky?).

Don't listen to a bunch of people on DCUM in unhappy relationships, listen to your wife who seems to be actively thinking about the problem, not exactly sure how to solve it but trying to work her way through it with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who don't think there is a correlation between division of labor and sexual desire, many of the low drive women would likely bang another guy, they just don't want their husbands. Ask yourself why that is. Attention? Feeling like more than a house keeper? Shut up and grow a pair and own that you may be the issue, not her.

So true. Women grow resentful after years of cleaning up after their husband and doing the majority of the child care, resentment kills libido. Men pay the price for laziness in the long run.

Truth

Men don't get lazy, they see their overweight nagging wives have done nothing but become complaining harpies and feel duped.

I'm a women and stayed in shape, and I'm nice and try to tell him how good he looks and how much I love him every day. Guess what? When I have something boring that' needs to be done he doesn't complain or even sigh - he just does it.

Be nice to be around and give him some love every once in a while and I'm sure he'll be more willing to pick up the slack.

This was written by a lonely divorced dude. No woman would say that!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP I am a supporter of maintenance sex 100%. For women, its use it or lose it IMO. Hard to get a creaky unused engine back up and running (I say this as a 32 year old who had a hard time getting my own unused engine running a couple months post partum so not a ding on age).

I do not think you should focus on her orgasm. For a lot of women it doesn't happen every time, it can be enjoyable without that. What is virtually never enjoyable is kind of knowing its unlikely to happen and having to endure a lot of extra stuff to make your partner feel like they're helping you out. If she's open about when it is and isn't in the cards take that and run with it.

Thanks for this. I was starting to second guess myself based on the SHE MUST ORGASM EVERY TIME comments. Believe me, I'm willing to spend the time making it happen for her. I enjoy getting to touch her and think up ways to try and get her off. For me that's a big part of the fun of sex. But if that's not what she's up for on a given night, I doubt it's helpful for me to insist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

Hah -- I'm absolutely not giving the impression I dislike oral. I very much enjoy giving it and have never been shy about saying so. Getting her off is one of my favorite things about sex.

Well this is kind of weird then. Look at from your POV. Would you turn down your wife offering to give you a blow job? There might be something more going on with your wife, if she’s regularly turning down oral.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

Hah -- I'm absolutely not giving the impression I dislike oral. I very much enjoy giving it and have never been shy about saying so. Getting her off is one of my favorite things about sex.

Anonymous wrote:
OP I am a supporter of maintenance sex 100%. For women, its use it or lose it IMO. Hard to get a creaky unused engine back up and running (I say this as a 32 year old who had a hard time getting my own unused engine running a couple months post partum so not a ding on age).

I do not think you should focus on her orgasm. For a lot of women it doesn't happen every time, it can be enjoyable without that. What is virtually never enjoyable is kind of knowing its unlikely to happen and having to endure a lot of extra stuff to make your partner feel like they're helping you out. If she's open about when it is and isn't in the cards take that and run with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

You are 32 and too young to have your libido killed off, come back in 10-20 years and talk to us.

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

I hate the word 'maintenance'. I have a long list of maintenance items that I have to take care of (many that DH could take but doesn't), I don't need any more maintenance items my list!

I'm never sure how to describe this. "Duty" sex is another term but I like that one less than "maintenance." What I'm trying to get at is the kind of sex that married couples have where it's something that the less interested spouse does lovingly and willingly. It might not be super exciting for them, but it's not painful or unpleasant either. This would be distinct from the version where the less interested spouse is having sex grudgingly and/or is just enduring the process.

OP I am a supporter of maintenance sex 100%. For women, its use it or lose it IMO. Hard to get a creaky unused engine back up and running (I say this as a 32 year old who had a hard time getting my own unused engine running a couple months post partum so not a ding on age).

I do not think you should focus on her orgasm. For a lot of women it doesn't happen every time, it can be enjoyable without that. What is virtually never enjoyable is kind of knowing its unlikely to happen and having to endure a lot of extra stuff to make your partner feel like they're helping you out. If she's open about when it is and isn't in the cards take that and run with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

I hate the word 'maintenance'. I have a long list of maintenance items that I have to take care of (many that DH could take but doesn't), I don't need any more maintenance items my list!

I'm never sure how to describe this. "Duty" sex is another term but I like that one less than "maintenance." What I'm trying to get at is the kind of sex that married couples have where it's something that the less interested spouse does lovingly and willingly. It might not be super exciting for them, but it's not painful or unpleasant either. This would be distinct from the version where the less interested spouse is having sex grudgingly and/or is just enduring the process.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

I hate the word 'maintenance'. I have a long list of maintenance items that I have to take care of (many that DH could take but doesn't), I don't need any more maintenance items my list!

I'm never sure how to describe this. "Duty" sex is another term but I like that one less than "maintenance." What I'm trying to get at is the kind of sex that married couples have where it's something that the less interested spouse does lovingly and willingly. It might not be super exciting for them, but it's not painful or unpleasant either. This would be distinct from the version where the less interested spouse is having sex grudgingly and/or is just enduring the process.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

I hate the word 'maintenance'. I have a long list of maintenance items that I have to take care of (many that DH could take but doesn't), I don't need any more maintenance items my list!