Anonymous
11/02/2017 11:59
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:Gosh people, whatever happened to "It takes a Village"?
Why are we abandoning the centuries old idea of community- woman helping woman, in favor of everyone on their own- good luck to you?
When my twins were babies, I had a few moms help out driving my older 2 to activities. And now we drive their kids to activities (I pack 1 family of 4 kids in my minivan with my 2 older ones- love minivans)
Anyway, I got in 2 car accidents in 2 weeks due to severe sleep deprivation when my twins were 3 months old. One- I turned right into a moving vehicle. Neither of us could believe it- I apologized profusely. Lucky, no one was hurt. But simply, my eyes and brain were not working, and I did not see him at all.
I've never caused any other accidents in my 25+ years of driving.
Ahhh "It takes a Village"... OK. That's all good, but it's not really a village when one person is doing all of the work. It's not a one way giving situation. OP has helped for 1 month. Twin mom needs to find someone else to "help", hire someone, or do it herself.
The whole "takes a village" idea works only if you have a system like that set up in place where everyone is close-knit and women's roles are limited to mothering eg. Hasidic Jewish communities. It doesn't sound like the OP is part of a system where people openly trade favors...her neighbor is just taking advantage.
+1
Anonymous
11/02/2017 11:55
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I mean I would do it until her twins were 6 months old, because I remember how exhausting the first 6 months are, even with one. But if you don't want to do it anymore just send her a communication that you won't be able to do it past x date.
You would do it? seriously? not for a family member, not for a friend, but for someone who just happens to own property nearby?
Yeah... I do stuff for friends and neighbors all the time. Because I like them and I am a good person.
Anonymous
11/02/2017 11:51
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:Gosh people, whatever happened to "It takes a Village"?
Why are we abandoning the centuries old idea of community- woman helping woman, in favor of everyone on their own- good luck to you?
When my twins were babies, I had a few moms help out driving my older 2 to activities. And now we drive their kids to activities (I pack 1 family of 4 kids in my minivan with my 2 older ones- love minivans)
Anyway, I got in 2 car accidents in 2 weeks due to severe sleep deprivation when my twins were 3 months old. One- I turned right into a moving vehicle. Neither of us could believe it- I apologized profusely. Lucky, no one was hurt. But simply, my eyes and brain were not working, and I did not see him at all.
I've never caused any other accidents in my 25+ years of driving.
The whole "takes a village" idea works only if you have a system like that set up in place where everyone is close-knit and women's roles are limited to mothering eg. Hasidic Jewish communities. It doesn't sound like the OP is part of a system where people openly trade favors...her neighbor is just taking advantage.
Anonymous
11/02/2017 11:49
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:Gosh people, whatever happened to "It takes a Village"?
Why are we abandoning the centuries old idea of community- woman helping woman, in favor of everyone on their own- good luck to you?
When my twins were babies, I had a few moms help out driving my older 2 to activities. And now we drive their kids to activities (I pack 1 family of 4 kids in my minivan with my 2 older ones- love minivans)
Anyway, I got in 2 car accidents in 2 weeks due to severe sleep deprivation when my twins were 3 months old. One- I turned right into a moving vehicle. Neither of us could believe it- I apologized profusely. Lucky, no one was hurt. But simply, my eyes and brain were not working, and I did not see him at all.
I've never caused any other accidents in my 25+ years of driving.
If you're going to invoke "it takes a village" and assign responsibility to me for your child, then you have to let me discipline your child as well. It doesn't work just one way.
Anonymous
11/02/2017 11:40
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.
It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.
But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!
As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.
barf.
Gold star for you, PP. except, you know, you haven't done jack sh*t, and no where near what Op has already done for Twin Mom, but you've already claimed credit. Gag me with a spoon.
Wow, you sound like you’re still hung over from the weekend. Or this morning.
No, she's gagging on the saccharine sanctimony of the post she was responding to.
Anonymous
11/02/2017 11:38
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Gosh people, whatever happened to "It takes a Village"?
Why are we abandoning the centuries old idea of community- woman helping woman, in favor of everyone on their own- good luck to you?
When my twins were babies, I had a few moms help out driving my older 2 to activities. And now we drive their kids to activities (I pack 1 family of 4 kids in my minivan with my 2 older ones- love minivans)
Anyway, I got in 2 car accidents in 2 weeks due to severe sleep deprivation when my twins were 3 months old. One- I turned right into a moving vehicle. Neither of us could believe it- I apologized profusely. Lucky, no one was hurt. But simply, my eyes and brain were not working, and I did not see him at all.
I've never caused any other accidents in my 25+ years of driving.
Why are we abandoning the centuries old idea of community- woman helping woman, in favor of everyone on their own- good luck to you?
When my twins were babies, I had a few moms help out driving my older 2 to activities. And now we drive their kids to activities (I pack 1 family of 4 kids in my minivan with my 2 older ones- love minivans)
Anyway, I got in 2 car accidents in 2 weeks due to severe sleep deprivation when my twins were 3 months old. One- I turned right into a moving vehicle. Neither of us could believe it- I apologized profusely. Lucky, no one was hurt. But simply, my eyes and brain were not working, and I did not see him at all.
I've never caused any other accidents in my 25+ years of driving.
Anonymous
11/02/2017 10:18
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:I mean I would do it until her twins were 6 months old, because I remember how exhausting the first 6 months are, even with one. But if you don't want to do it anymore just send her a communication that you won't be able to do it past x date.
You would do it? seriously? not for a family member, not for a friend, but for someone who just happens to own property nearby?
Anonymous
11/02/2017 07:53
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
I mean I would do it until her twins were 6 months old, because I remember how exhausting the first 6 months are, even with one. But if you don't want to do it anymore just send her a communication that you won't be able to do it past x date.
Anonymous
11/02/2017 07:51
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a stay at home mom and many parents call on me for favors such as your neighbors and I actually enjoy helping people out. It makes me feel good and helps me to teach my child about performing acts of kindness and being a good friend/ neighbor. Some people reciprocate when I need a favor, some don’t. Doing nice things for others makes me feel good.
Try to think about setting an example for your child. It’s a great learning opportunity and think how nice it would be for the new parents of twins if you offered to do this for the school year for them. That is better then any other baby present or casserole they’ve received- I promise you that.
The way I see it, it's only women who get called on for stupid favors like this, never men. Are some women really desperate to be likable that they bend themselves backwards for others who won't ever reciprocate?
Yes, this is it exactly for many. Everyone has an agenda. Everyone. And for many it is to help others so then they can feel relevant and needed and good about themselves. More power to those who need that confidence boost. But if OP does not and is finished helping for weeks more than most would, then it is her right to stop.
Really? An agenda? Come on... what does that teach our children? So when you volunteer say to clean up a park or make sanwhiches for the homeless it’s for personal gain or to feel relevant? I5 makes me feel good inside to perform acts of kindness. I guess that’s my personal gain. I generally like helping people out if I can.
Exactly. You help others out because it makes you feel good. If it didn't I am quite certain you would stop making those sandwiches. OP has helped her neighbor out because it made her feel good until it didn't and at that point it is time to stop.
Not necessarily. I help out my friends and family even when it doesn't feel good because that's what friends and family do.
Anonymous
11/02/2017 06:26
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:I understand from reading the posts that having newborn twins is really hard, but I still don't understand how that's OP's problem? If the neighbours were adequately expressing appreciation or offering to pay or something , OP wouldn't feel like she is being taken advantage of.
This. I am guessing they haven't told her thank you and she probably isn't that close to them. I also agree that leaving 10 min earlier can be annoying, especially repeatedly, without appreciation, no end in sight, and beyond what was originally indicated or understood. If the 10 minute thing is the problem, I agree with another poster that the kid should knock in your door and be ready to leave when you are. This way you take the extra kid but aren't really inconvenienced. For those that think she should easenty gladly do it, you're wrong. If she wants to, she should. She's in no way a bad person for wanting to stop.
Anonymous
11/01/2017 23:22
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a stay at home mom and many parents call on me for favors such as your neighbors and I actually enjoy helping people out. It makes me feel good and helps me to teach my child about performing acts of kindness and being a good friend/ neighbor. Some people reciprocate when I need a favor, some don’t. Doing nice things for others makes me feel good.
Try to think about setting an example for your child. It’s a great learning opportunity and think how nice it would be for the new parents of twins if you offered to do this for the school year for them. That is better then any other baby present or casserole they’ve received- I promise you that.
The way I see it, it's only women who get called on for stupid favors like this, never men. Are some women really desperate to be likable that they bend themselves backwards for others who won't ever reciprocate?
Yes, this is it exactly for many. Everyone has an agenda. Everyone. And for many it is to help others so then they can feel relevant and needed and good about themselves. More power to those who need that confidence boost. But if OP does not and is finished helping for weeks more than most would, then it is her right to stop.
Really? An agenda? Come on... what does that teach our children? So when you volunteer say to clean up a park or make sanwhiches for the homeless it’s for personal gain or to feel relevant? I5 makes me feel good inside to perform acts of kindness. I guess that’s my personal gain. I generally like helping people out if I can.
Exactly. You help others out because it makes you feel good. If it didn't I am quite certain you would stop making those sandwiches. OP has helped her neighbor out because it made her feel good until it didn't and at that point it is time to stop.
Anonymous
11/01/2017 23:11
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a stay at home mom and many parents call on me for favors such as your neighbors and I actually enjoy helping people out. It makes me feel good and helps me to teach my child about performing acts of kindness and being a good friend/ neighbor. Some people reciprocate when I need a favor, some don’t. Doing nice things for others makes me feel good.
Try to think about setting an example for your child. It’s a great learning opportunity and think how nice it would be for the new parents of twins if you offered to do this for the school year for them. That is better then any other baby present or casserole they’ve received- I promise you that.
The way I see it, it's only women who get called on for stupid favors like this, never men. Are some women really desperate to be likable that they bend themselves backwards for others who won't ever reciprocate?
Yes, this is it exactly for many. Everyone has an agenda. Everyone. And for many it is to help others so then they can feel relevant and needed and good about themselves. More power to those who need that confidence boost. But if OP does not and is finished helping for weeks more than most would, then it is her right to stop.
Really? An agenda? Come on... what does that teach our children? So when you volunteer say to clean up a park or make sanwhiches for the homeless it’s for personal gain or to feel relevant? I5 makes me feel good inside to perform acts of kindness. I guess that’s my personal gain. I generally like helping people out if I can.
Anonymous
11/01/2017 23:07
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:I’m a stay at home mom and many parents call on me for favors such as your neighbors and I actually enjoy helping people out. It makes me feel good
That's great. For other people, it makes them feel used, rushed and more stressed out.
Anonymous wrote:
and helps me to teach my child about performing acts of kindness and being a good friend/ neighbor. Some people reciprocate when I need a favor, some don’t. Doing nice things for others makes me feel good.
Try to think about setting an example for your child. It’s a great learning opportunity
What about teaching your kids (and theirs) that you shouldn't have more kids than you can support. The costs of having/raising children aren't just about paying for the food on the table. You could also teach your kids (and theirs) not to have an entitlement attitude about the world being responsible for their actions. Maybe the kids won't be one of the people saying "It takes a village!" whenever they don't want to take responsibility for their kids. It's a great learning opportunity!
Anonymous wrote:
and think how nice it would be for the new parents of twins if you offered to do this for the school year for them. That is better then any other baby present or casserole they’ve received- I promise you that.
Oh, I'm sure it is. Some of us have figured out why.
Anonymous
11/01/2017 23:06
Subject: At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a stay at home mom and many parents call on me for favors such as your neighbors and I actually enjoy helping people out. It makes me feel good and helps me to teach my child about performing acts of kindness and being a good friend/ neighbor. Some people reciprocate when I need a favor, some don’t. Doing nice things for others makes me feel good.
Try to think about setting an example for your child. It’s a great learning opportunity and think how nice it would be for the new parents of twins if you offered to do this for the school year for them. That is better then any other baby present or casserole they’ve received- I promise you that.
The way I see it, it's only women who get called on for stupid favors like this, never men. Are some women really desperate to be likable that they bend themselves backwards for others who won't ever reciprocate?
Yes, this is it exactly for many. Everyone has an agenda. Everyone. And for many it is to help others so then they can feel relevant and needed and good about themselves. More power to those who need that confidence boost. But if OP does not and is finished helping for weeks more than most would, then it is her right to stop.
Anonymous
11/01/2017 22:52
Subject: Re:At what point does a favor become a burden?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, you should honestly be embarrassed and ashamed.
10 minutes? Really?
Do the right thing.
Does it matter if OP is a SAHM or goes to work? I can barely get myself and 1 child out of the door in the morning. The D.C. areaisn't exactly Mayberry and 10 minutes is huge in the mornings.
I don't think it really matters. Just because someone is a SAHM doesn't mean she has any greater obligation to take on projects to help neighbors, etc. As a practical matter, it probably would be easier for a SAHM than someone trying to get out to the office, but I still think she should be just as able to say no and/or say enough is enough.
- WOHM