Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to add that I have an hour commute one way and kids are on the challenging side. I guess all I'm trying to say is that let's not be so quick to judge. Everyone has unique situations and different capacities to handle their stuff along with varying amounts of help. WOH vs. SAH is a useless fight. Some weeks I wish I worked full time and other weeks I wish I worked less.

Anonymous wrote:Working mom here - 30 h per week. Chore list given here is vastly oversimplified. My husband constantly travels and I am always stressed about running the household smoothly. I wish I could just focus on my job rather than always having house stuff to worry about. 3 kids with all their dr. appts + dentist visits. They don't get sick too often but still have multiple dr visits due to sports injuries or something random like maybe strep throat or maybe not. I have my own appointments (dentist, OB, mammogram, eyes, physician. Kids often have something at school like an open house or parent breakfast or field trip (youngest is in ES). This does not include servicing my car or if something is wrong with car. House maintenance and repairs also have to be dealt with. We also get family and friends visiting who always stay with us. I feel bad not seeing them and just bolting to the office. Occasional coffee with a friend just to maintain contact. Shuttling kids around to activities all afternoon and sometimes the times of the activities randomly change (winter soccer for travel team). I find juggling everything incredibly challenging.

Anonymous wrote:Pp here stil laughing at the list - and I work full time.

--kids activities - you have to enroll every season, plan parties, organize carpools, participate in them, pay coaching fees, pay for coach gifts, buy equipment, buy more equipment when it gets lost

--kids clothes - my kid grew out of his sneakers in 6 weeks, so yeah, a 1x per year trip doesn't cut it

--you need ink to print the damn Amazon cards, you also needs to get bar/bat mitzvah clothes, cards, lots of carpooling too

PTA dues -- 1x per year. I also had to pay for school photos, yearbook, book of kids writing, books to read in class, science fair supplies, teacher gifts, fundraising bricks, field trips, auction donations, extra supplies b/c the teacher ran out of tissues, headphone per teacher, sports dues for bus, fair tickets, 8th grade grad events. That was this year.

I won't go on about other school obligation that aren't $ related - but thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

You clearly don't have kids in orthodontics! I work I a small office of women and with six kids in braces, we had about 1 appt every 10 days between us. We decidesd as a group to tell our DHs to take off to take them - so it is more equitable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

This may not seem like a lot, but my DH does NONE of this unless I ask. Does yours actually take the initiave? BTW, if we don't book our dr yearly annuals a month in advance, we are late for forms. Also, I make summer camp plans in January--as does most of upper NW DC. DH has NEVER signed the kids up for camps. And he would probably only remember to do this in June, when most of the camps are booked, and then we'd be screwed. Kudos to your marriage if your DH actually plans this stuff and manages to delegate appropriately. In my circle, I can confidently say that moms do 95% of the planning, and the dads execute 35%-45% only if and when asked.

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent

+1

How many of us would choose to work if finances, our partners, children, extended family and/or situation truly gave us the choice? Not saying there aren't those who would. But always these mommy wars are soaked in jealousy and spite.

I truly have a choice, yet I work 45 hours a week, plus commute, and do 90% of everything at home. I also exercise 5-7 hours a week. You just need to be organized and efficient.

I don't want to live like this. Sorry but it sounds miserable to me.

Anonymous wrote:Working mom here - 30 h per week. Chore list given here is vastly oversimplified. My husband constantly travels and I am always stressed about running the household smoothly. I wish I could just focus on my job rather than always having house stuff to worry about. 3 kids with all their dr. appts + dentist visits. They don't get sick too often but still have multiple dr visits due to sports injuries or something random like maybe strep throat or maybe not. I have my own appointments (dentist, OB, mammogram, eyes, physician. Kids often have something at school like an open house or parent breakfast or field trip (youngest is in ES). This does not include servicing my car or if something is wrong with car. House maintenance and repairs also have to be dealt with. We also get family and friends visiting who always stay with us. I feel bad not seeing them and just bolting to the office. Occasional coffee with a friend just to maintain contact. Shuttling kids around to activities all afternoon and sometimes the times of the activities randomly change (winter soccer for travel team). I find juggling everything incredibly challenging.

Anonymous wrote:Pp here stil laughing at the list - and I work full time.

--kids activities - you have to enroll every season, plan parties, organize carpools, participate in them, pay coaching fees, pay for coach gifts, buy equipment, buy more equipment when it gets lost

--kids clothes - my kid grew out of his sneakers in 6 weeks, so yeah, a 1x per year trip doesn't cut it

--you need ink to print the damn Amazon cards, you also needs to get bar/bat mitzvah clothes, cards, lots of carpooling too

PTA dues -- 1x per year. I also had to pay for school photos, yearbook, book of kids writing, books to read in class, science fair supplies, teacher gifts, fundraising bricks, field trips, auction donations, extra supplies b/c the teacher ran out of tissues, headphone per teacher, sports dues for bus, fair tickets, 8th grade grad events. That was this year.

I won't go on about other school obligation that aren't $ related - but thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Op. Wrong. We split laundry and cooking, I usually clean the kitchen, we have a cleaning lady every two weeks, and I am very active with kid activities. Taking the kids to doctor appointments, she does that so you got me there.

People.

It's not fathers driving kids to activities that makes them split the family burden.

When husbands make themselves responsible for keeping track of the kids' events, remembering and planning and organizing and even initiating events (!), THAT is when they can claim to share the burden with their wives.

Let's be clear here - it's not the pair of hands gripping the wheel that gets the majority of the stress. It's the one receiving all the dates for all the different events and planning the year out to the last summer camp, who is the most burdened.

Exactly. Managing a google calendar and registering for all those activities is almost a full time job in itself. Especially for middle schoolers, who need constant supervision.

OP wife is working part-time. He could also get a better job but chooses not to. Reality is he doesn't take off when the kids are sick, doesn't do transporting during work hours and flex to make activities. He probably doesn't do doctors appointments, dental appointments, eye appointments, do the shopping (clothing and food and other household), take off when house repairs are needed, etc. He may do some cleaning and laundry but its probably not 1/2 and maybe a few times a month. Cleaning the kitchen is very different from cleaning the house and laundry and house upkeep.

My husband says he cooks - maybe a few time a year if I do most of the prep. He drives to get carry out. He will load the dishes once or twice a month and say he cleaned the kitchen (still leaving a huge mess). My husband will say he does lots of things, but then there is reality. I do everything including taking care of his mom. He doesn't even buy his own underwear.

Just another SAHM trying to justify her existence...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

This may not seem like a lot, but my DH does NONE of this unless I ask. Does yours actually take the initiave? BTW, if we don't book our dr yearly annuals a month in advance, we are late for forms. Also, I make summer camp plans in January--as does most of upper NW DC. DH has NEVER signed the kids up for camps. And he would probably only remember to do this in June, when most of the camps are booked, and then we'd be screwed. Kudos to your marriage if your DH actually plans this stuff and manages to delegate appropriately. In my circle, I can confidently say that moms do 95% of the planning, and the dads execute 35%-45% only if and when asked.

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent

+1

How many of us would choose to work if finances, our partners, children, extended family and/or situation truly gave us the choice? Not saying there aren't those who would. But always these mommy wars are soaked in jealousy and spite.

I truly have a choice, yet I work 45 hours a week, plus commute, and do 90% of everything at home. I also exercise 5-7 hours a week. You just need to be organized and efficient.

I don't want to live like this. Sorry but it sounds miserable to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

We stopped at 2 kids, we allow one activity per season and arrange carpools.

Yeah? Well I have one kid with no activities 9okay--bball for two months twice a week) and though I work, no carpooling.

Doesn't change the fact that other families have different situations. What is your point anyway?

I am pretty sure that poster wasn't saying her was the only way...

My point was, don't act like one parent couldn't possibly work full time because of kids' activities. Have fewer children or cut back on kids' activities, unless having a parent do the carpooling, and doing a lot of carpooling, is important to your family.

You point is NOT taken. Some people prioritize having a big family over other things-like working full time. You do not. I do not. You and I prioritize other things. The choice to stay at a home to accommodate a big family is just as valid as the choice to have one and stay at work. Or the choice to have five kids and stay working full time and carpooling.

Just because your way CAN be done doesn't make it the ONLY way.