Anonymous
05/18/2017 17:01
Subject: Re:How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:yeah... you seem so cold and calculated that i kind of see why your husband needed another woman in his life.
Because an ocean of emotions is exactly what this situation is calling for. Right?
yes. emotions are not evil, they are adaptive responses honed by millennia of evolution. OP is clearly deficient in that area.
Anonymous
05/18/2017 15:50
Subject: Re:How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:yeah... you seem so cold and calculated that i kind of see why your husband needed another woman in his life.
Because an ocean of emotions is exactly what this situation is calling for. Right?
Anonymous
05/18/2017 14:35
Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:enjoy sending large portion's of your family's income to the other woman and child each month. meanwhile, keep financially subsidizing the father of your children.
OP said she's the breadwinner and earns significantly more than her husband. The CS will be based on his income alone and the child is almost out of daycare so the mandatory support amount won't be all that high.
What a ridiculous post.
You think just because the baby isn't in daycare anymore that his payment will change/become less?
Don't be ridiculous.
I guess the kid should stop eating, which will cause them to stop growing, so I guess no need for food OR new clothes since she'll stop outgrowing them every year.
I guess that means that dear old dad won't have to pay for extra curricular activities anymore, such as dance, soccer or art classes, because if she's not eating & not growing, she certainly won't have the energy to have fun.
Then there's that pesky little hindrance of medical insurance, BUT since there will be no food, no clothes, no energy for fun, she definitely won't need a doctor in case she gets sick or anything.
NEWS FLASH PP: Kids don't magically start shrinking or become less expensive to take care of after day care.
In fact, they start GROWING & becoming even more expensive. This means that everything grows along with them, their appetites, their clothing, their energy levels & yes, even trips to the doctor!
Where ever would you get such a ridiculous notion, especially in Montgomery County?
Anonymous
05/18/2017 13:37
Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:enjoy sending large portion's of your family's income to the other woman and child each month. meanwhile, keep financially subsidizing the father of your children.
OP said she's the breadwinner and earns significantly more than her husband. The CS will be based on his income alone and the child is almost out of daycare so the mandatory support amount won't be all that high.
That's not how it works.
Anonymous
05/18/2017 12:34
Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:enjoy sending large portion's of your family's income to the other woman and child each month. meanwhile, keep financially subsidizing the father of your children.
OP said she's the breadwinner and earns significantly more than her husband. The CS will be based on his income alone and the child is almost out of daycare so the mandatory support amount won't be all that high.
Anonymous
05/18/2017 12:02
Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
enjoy sending large portion's of your family's income to the other woman and child each month. meanwhile, keep financially subsidizing the father of your children.
Anonymous
05/18/2017 11:16
Subject: Re:How do I talk about this with the kids?
yeah... you seem so cold and calculated that i kind of see why your husband needed another woman in his life.
Anonymous
05/18/2017 02:52
Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
New poster here.
Accepting your husband's behavior (through staying married) is guaranteeing that neither of your kids will ever have functional relationships in the future. You would be normalizing what's actually totally fucked up.
Your kids will figure it all out, with your help or without it. The only question is whether you want them to see you as the reasonable victim who respected them and always tried to do the best for them, or someone who was part of the dysfunction and caused them more pain due to her own selfishness and/or weakness.
Accepting your husband's behavior (through staying married) is guaranteeing that neither of your kids will ever have functional relationships in the future. You would be normalizing what's actually totally fucked up.
Your kids will figure it all out, with your help or without it. The only question is whether you want them to see you as the reasonable victim who respected them and always tried to do the best for them, or someone who was part of the dysfunction and caused them more pain due to her own selfishness and/or weakness.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What's to stop him from doing this again?
Nothing, just like any other unfaithful spouse, except the commitment not to, and the fear of losing everything.
Anonymous wrote:
Woah. Your husband is absolutely not "just like any other unfaithful spouse". He didn't get drunk one night and make a bad decision. He deliberately deceived you for years and then dragged your kids into the guts of the deception and dysfunction. He's clearly has no morals whatsoever and has absolutely no regard for you or your kids. Pretending otherwise will only hurt your kids even more.
Anonymous
05/15/2017 00:47
Subject: Re:How do I talk about this with the kids?
OP, you repeatedly have stated that you only want advice on how to frame this situation to your children and answer their questions. You need a therapist's help, for many reasons but primarily that your husband has already done psychological damage to your son by having him visit with his half sibling for an extended period of time without telling you. That must have weighed on your poor soon terribly. Even if your husband never specifically told your son to lie, your son certainly at age 6 would have picked up on the fact that his father was clearly not being truthful to his mother (presumably at least occasionally you'd ask where they had been when they returned from a visit), and your son probably witnessed conversations between his father and his affair partner that disclosed information that your son would know was wrong to you, his mother. It is unthinkable to me the level of deception your poor kid has been living for the past year. I'd have any child in those shoes in therapy stat.
Anonymous
05/15/2017 00:13
Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
You say that you don't want your children to think that this is normal, or that this is how men are allowed to behave.
However, it's about actions, not words. You would have to show, through your actions, that you don't believe that it's okay for a man -- specifically, your husband -- to behave this way. Staying married implies that you do find these behaviors acceptable.
I think that what a lot of people here are saying is that it's just extremely difficult to believe that someone whose betrayal of trust was so great, and in such profound ways, over a period of years, will change overnight. And that, if he continues, and you continue the marriage, that you will effectively be communicating the message that you accept these behaviors.
However, it's about actions, not words. You would have to show, through your actions, that you don't believe that it's okay for a man -- specifically, your husband -- to behave this way. Staying married implies that you do find these behaviors acceptable.
I think that what a lot of people here are saying is that it's just extremely difficult to believe that someone whose betrayal of trust was so great, and in such profound ways, over a period of years, will change overnight. And that, if he continues, and you continue the marriage, that you will effectively be communicating the message that you accept these behaviors.
Anonymous
05/14/2017 22:48
Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:OP, are you going to tell us what your husbands relationship with this woman is now? And by extension, your relationship with her?
They coparent. I've never met or spoken to her.
Anonymous wrote:I may be able to get over the affair, but I'd NEVER get over the fact that my kid knew about his father's affair & love child for TWO years before I did. It's one thing for him to lie & cheat, but to involve my innocent child & make him lie for 2 years is morally bankrupt & he just sounds so scuzzy to me.
I don't like that either.
Anonymous wrote:You may be able to hide this from friends, family, co workers & neighbors now, but once this kid hits the tweens & starts using social media & all of your kids are Facebook friends & Snapchat buddies & posting things like #ilovemybrotherand sister on each other's walls, then everyone will know.
This is a strange thing to be concerned about. My friends are aware. I can't imagine my coworkers or neighbors give a damn; I am not aware of their personal lives and I'm sure they don't care about mine. People are generally only concerned with their own lives. I don't conduct my life on social media. You seem very concerned with appearances.
Anonymous wrote:At least if you had a temporary separation you'd look like you actually had somewhat of a backbone & standard for yourself, but to find out about this one day & then just living life the same, no punishment for him & everything remains exactly the same, as if he hadn't been cheating for YEARS?
Uhhh, NO (and you can tell yourself whatever you want to make staying with him "ok", but this wasn't a long term affair, this was a family & he was living a double life).
You don't know what happened or what we had so let's not theorize. It wasn't a family.
Anonymous wrote:What's to stop him from doing this again?
Nothing, just like any other unfaithful spouse, except the commitment not to, and the fear of losing everything.
Anonymous wrote:I couldn't get through life with everyone always giving me that pathetic look of pity & judgement and giving my husband the glare of moral disgust on the daily.
No one thinks of you long enough to give you any kind of look. All families have crap they deal with; most people around them are not aware of other people's crap, nor do they give two damns.
Anonymous
05/14/2017 14:29
Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
OP, are you going to tell us what your husbands relationship with this woman is now? And by extension, your relationship with her?
I may be able to get over the affair, but I'd NEVER get over the fact that my kid knew about his father's affair & love child for TWO years before I did. It's one thing for him to lie & cheat, but to involve my innocent child & make him lie for 2 years is morally bankrupt & he just sounds so scuzzy to me.
You may be able to hide this from friends, family, co workers & neighbors now, but once this kid hits the tweens & starts using social media & all of your kids are Facebook friends & Snapchat buddies & posting things like #ilovemybrotherand sister on each other's walls, then everyone will know.
At least if you had a temporary separation you'd look like you actually had somewhat of a backbone & standard for yourself, but to find out about this one day & then just living life the same, no punishment for him & everything remains exactly the same, as if he hadn't been cheating for YEARS?
Uhhh, NO (and you can tell yourself whatever you want to make staying with him "ok", but this wasn't a long term affair, this was a family & he was living a double life).
What's to stop him from doing this again?
I couldn't get through life with everyone always giving me that pathetic look of pity & judgement and giving my husband the glare of moral disgust on the daily.
I may be able to get over the affair, but I'd NEVER get over the fact that my kid knew about his father's affair & love child for TWO years before I did. It's one thing for him to lie & cheat, but to involve my innocent child & make him lie for 2 years is morally bankrupt & he just sounds so scuzzy to me.
You may be able to hide this from friends, family, co workers & neighbors now, but once this kid hits the tweens & starts using social media & all of your kids are Facebook friends & Snapchat buddies & posting things like #ilovemybrotherand sister on each other's walls, then everyone will know.
At least if you had a temporary separation you'd look like you actually had somewhat of a backbone & standard for yourself, but to find out about this one day & then just living life the same, no punishment for him & everything remains exactly the same, as if he hadn't been cheating for YEARS?
Uhhh, NO (and you can tell yourself whatever you want to make staying with him "ok", but this wasn't a long term affair, this was a family & he was living a double life).
What's to stop him from doing this again?
I couldn't get through life with everyone always giving me that pathetic look of pity & judgement and giving my husband the glare of moral disgust on the daily.
Anonymous
05/14/2017 14:04
Subject: Re:How do I talk about this with the kids?
Therapy.
Don't ask us. Go to a therapist.
Don't ask us. Go to a therapist.
Anonymous
05/13/2017 21:46
Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Thank you for sharing, PP. This is helpful. This is OP.
Do you think it would be different if your father tried to make things work? It sounds like your mother was the one fighting to keep the family together. In our case, DH is trying his best, and I'm the one who's on the fence.
Do you think it would be different if your father tried to make things work? It sounds like your mother was the one fighting to keep the family together. In our case, DH is trying his best, and I'm the one who's on the fence.
Anonymous
05/13/2017 15:14
Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't even know if this is the right forum for this question but I can't think of a better fit.
My DH had a long-term affair that resulted in a daughter. She is four, and our children together are six and two. I found out a few months ago and so far we are not planning to divorce. This has been a wild and emotional ride for me but my question is not about this right now.
He is quite involved in her life and sees her twice a week or so. He has also been getting our son together with the girl regularly because he felt siblings must know each other. I do not prevent him from seeing his daughter, and have allowed my son to continue seeing her on the condition that her mother is never around my children. They see each other at least once a week. My DH is a very involved father with our kids, he is a good dad.
So far he didn't explain/discuss with our son how this girl came to be, he just told him that "this is your sister", and since this has started a few years ago, I think my son has just taken this for granted. However, I believe that eventually he will put two and two together, and I think we should figure out a way to talk about this with our kids that doesn't denigrate either their half-sister or their father. I don't want to just present this as a fait accomplit, I want my children to understand that cheating is wrong but I just feel completely helpless and unequipped to step around this minefield. I don't want my children, and especially my daughter (who is now 2) to learn this is normal or this is how men are allowed to behave. Things are what they are, the kids aren't going away. How do I talk about this?
I would like some advice from those of you who have been in this situation as kids, or someone who had something like this happen in the family. How would you have liked the adults in the family frame this for you? What is the fair way to talk about this that makes clear that cheating is wrong, but does not take it out on the half-sibling or make their father look like a piece of crap?
My situation was almost the same growing up. My father had a kid before he left the house for good when I was 8. He introduced his child to my siblings and I at a visit. My mother wasn't aware he did that until after the fact. She flipped. I was around 10 when that happened. I remember asking a lot of questions. She didn't offer the juicy goods but gave age appropriate responses. It wasn't until I was 16 when she dished the dirt. I never looked at him the same since. We had an ok relationship into adulthood but I don't miss him now that he's deceased. I don't look down at my mother for trying to make things work after she found out he fathered a child. And I don't accept or think it's normal that he did that to our family. But I grew up with half siblings and after he passed away, we haven't spoken since- he was our only bond.
Me again. Your kids will come to their own conclusion about their father when they come to an age to understand the facts. You can't control that. I guess my mother dished the dirt when she felt I was ready to handle it without giving too much detail.