Anonymous
Post 03/27/2015 09:43     Subject: Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House
Anonymous wrote:PP, you're in the minority that this is not a big issue. What if you had someone you cared very little for traipsing about your home when you weren't there, making herself an f'ing sandwich, at that!


Another step PP here. If it were just "someone,' it might bother me. If it were the bio mother of the teenage kids who also live there, I might be a little more accomodating. This is splitting hairs and may not matter to a lot of you, but OP moved into THEIR home. So I am not sure that OP stomping the floor about this issue is productive. Like I have said, you can win the battle but lose lose the war. OP really needs to think about whether this is an issue she has to "win."
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2015 17:06     Subject: Re:Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House
It may be that the kids want to spend some of the afternoons with their Mom on the days when they are at their Dad's house. If this is the case, the conversation with the ex could be much easier - instead of accusing her of hanging out at your house, perhaps offer a different custody arrangement as a solution. The kids could come over after you get home from work, instead of going there after school and being alone, getting bored, and calling the Mom to come bring something under the guise of wanting to spend time with her/not be alone.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2015 17:03     Subject: Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House
PP, you're in the minority that this is not a big issue. What if you had someone you cared very little for traipsing about your home when you weren't there, making herself an f'ing sandwich, at that!
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2015 12:05     Subject: Re:Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House
The point is OP is making a big issue out of something that actually isn't a big issue. It bothers OP alone--not the kids or the DH. It's like poking a hornets nest just to see what happens. Let it go OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2015 11:09     Subject: Re:Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I ask because my DH has been caught in this very trap, time and time again, with his adult child, who either moves back to her mom or threatens to when things don't go exactly her way.


What the hell is an "adult child"? This is a contradiction in terms.

If you are under 18, you are a child and you will do what I say.

If you are over 18, you are an adult, and you will do what I say if you live in my house or you will move the hell out.



Another PP here. I get what you are saying conceptually, but the dymanic is not that black and white in step and blended families.

I am a step and I am as hardass as the next person, but I would not expect my DH to put out his 18YO out because he let his mother in the house.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2015 11:05     Subject: Re:Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Since everyone is dispensing this great advice about keeping the ex out, let's take it to the next step.

How would you advise OP deal with the aftermath in the worst case? Suppose the 18YO says "I do not appreciate my mother being treated like this - I want to stay over there from now on!" Suppose the kids defy you and say "you are not even here when she comes. You said this is our home too and we are going to let her in if you are not here!" Suppose the situation really goes left and her DH says "I knew this was a bad idea - shoulda never let you talk me into it. Now my kids don't want to stay here."

See...we have 50 people telling her to limit or deny acces to the ex. That's the easy advice. What I do not see is anyone advising her how to handle any potential fallout. Before I took the step that many of you are advising, I would want imout on how to deal with what may come next. That will be the most challenging part of this.


Stepmom here. I think you are giving really, really great advice here. This is definitely something to talk through with her ex, and take it through steps beyond the initial step of attempting to keep her out.

However, are you suggesting that if the teenage children threaten to go back to their mom's over this, that the OP and her DH should give in? (I believe you are simply suggesting to consider the potential fallout, but I'm wondering what you would do.) I ask because my DH has been caught in this very trap, time and time again, with his adult child, who either moves back to her mom or threatens to when things don't go exactly her way. She does the same to her mom and then comes back to us. Of course, the solution should be that the parents come together and put a stop to the manipulation and playing each other against each other for better "terms", but unfortunately divorced parents don't always co-parent effectively, and it sounds like this ex is not at all reasonable when it comes to not getting exactly what she wants. So should this dad be manipulated into letting his teenagers have whatever they want under the threat of going back to their mom's if they don't get their way?


That's a good point - but as far as getting their way - we are not talking about them staying out late or going to a party. This issue is super complicated because it involves how, when and where the kids can interact with their mother. I am not saying that the OP should not insist that some boundaries be imposed. She and her DH are certainly entitled to impose whatever boundaries are appropriate. My point is that, as you mentioned, you have to take it through the steps after the "lockout" step because those are the steps that will require the heavy lifting IMO. Telling OP that ex is wrong and to "change the locks" etc is only helpful if you also tell her how to handle the resulting scenarios. Either way you slice it, a decision to keep her out is going to be a change to the status quo. As all parents know, it is one thing to make the rules, another thing to enforce them and still another thing to have reasonable peaceful coexistence under them. I am just saying that OP and her DH need "flow chart" things out.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2015 09:40     Subject: Re:Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House
Anonymous wrote:I ask because my DH has been caught in this very trap, time and time again, with his adult child, who either moves back to her mom or threatens to when things don't go exactly her way.


What the hell is an "adult child"? This is a contradiction in terms.

If you are under 18, you are a child and you will do what I say.

If you are over 18, you are an adult, and you will do what I say if you live in my house or you will move the hell out.
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2015 09:22     Subject: Re:Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House
Anonymous wrote:Since everyone is dispensing this great advice about keeping the ex out, let's take it to the next step.

How would you advise OP deal with the aftermath in the worst case? Suppose the 18YO says "I do not appreciate my mother being treated like this - I want to stay over there from now on!" Suppose the kids defy you and say "you are not even here when she comes. You said this is our home too and we are going to let her in if you are not here!" Suppose the situation really goes left and her DH says "I knew this was a bad idea - shoulda never let you talk me into it. Now my kids don't want to stay here."

See...we have 50 people telling her to limit or deny acces to the ex. That's the easy advice. What I do not see is anyone advising her how to handle any potential fallout. Before I took the step that many of you are advising, I would want imout on how to deal with what may come next. That will be the most challenging part of this.


Stepmom here. I think you are giving really, really great advice here. This is definitely something to talk through with her ex, and take it through steps beyond the initial step of attempting to keep her out.

However, are you suggesting that if the teenage children threaten to go back to their mom's over this, that the OP and her DH should give in? (I believe you are simply suggesting to consider the potential fallout, but I'm wondering what you would do.) I ask because my DH has been caught in this very trap, time and time again, with his adult child, who either moves back to her mom or threatens to when things don't go exactly her way. She does the same to her mom and then comes back to us. Of course, the solution should be that the parents come together and put a stop to the manipulation and playing each other against each other for better "terms", but unfortunately divorced parents don't always co-parent effectively, and it sounds like this ex is not at all reasonable when it comes to not getting exactly what she wants. So should this dad be manipulated into letting his teenagers have whatever they want under the threat of going back to their mom's if they don't get their way?
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2015 09:14     Subject: Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House
Enough blah blah blah about how the ex is wrong. What should the OP do about it? She has already asked the ex not to do this, and has been ignored. So what next?
Anonymous
Post 03/26/2015 09:01     Subject: Re:Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am in a marriage that is the second for both of us. Both of us have kids. Kids range in age from 8-16. Kids are incredibly forgetful and we are shuttling back and forth more than we'd like to get things they need that are in the other house. The parent driving the kid ALWAYS waits in the car while the kid goes in to get what they need. The parent waiting in the car is not being shut out of the kid's life. It's a few minutes in the car, not a big deal. It's not my house -- I have no desire or right to be there.

The kids are going to grow up just like their mother -- not respecting boundaries -- unless you put a stop to this. But DH should be the one dealing with her, not you.
She has no right to enter into your house. She's really got some nerve.

I think DH should tell her that her repeated entry into the house is really disrespectful and that she needs to wait outside from now on.


She's their mom, not the UPS delivery guy.


Yes, she's their mom, and what she is teaching them is that it's okay to disrespect people and their boundaries. What she's teaching them is that they have a right to make people uncomfortable whenever they wish, and that they have no obligation to be considerate of other people's needs. She's a bad mom, essentially, at least in this regard.

I am 100% in favor of parents with shared custody being open to blurring the lines about seeing their children during noncustodial time. My DH would see his daughter almost every day after school until her mom came home, and would take her out to dinner on nights her mom was working late, even if it was her mom's week. Her mom was welcome to see her during our weeks, too, though she never did. But barging into an ex's home and hanging out there when you have been repeatedly asked not to is simply not acceptable. If she wants to spend time with them, she can bring them to her place or take them out somewhere.